Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

It sounds like your dh needs to change his working life to better suit his role as a father. I mean, I know he’s a MAN and therefore it’s impossible, but you’ve done it so you know it can be done.

I don’t see why the mum is being a CF sounds like she has her dd way more than 50% of the time. Is it really being a CF to expect a parent to look after their child or provide childcare? It’s not her fault OP and her DH have organised their family life in a way which means OP does the bulk of the childcare.

Not your child, not your responsibility. Your husband needs to sort out. You are being used as unpaid childminder.

How does she feel about being with you and her dad? I feel a bit sorry for her tbh, sent off by her mum, dad working, step mum seeing her as an imposition.

If you want to go off with your pals couldn't he take those days off and look after both kids while you're off.

At nine it won't be long before she doesn't want to leave her pals for summer.

Your husband needs to step up here and take holidays when his daughter is here. He doesn't have a choice but to take the financial hit if he has no childcare.

The mum isn't been cheeky if she does the entire term time.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. This is her parents’ problem to solve. Why should her mum get a nice break at the expense of yours? Especially when you’ve gone to such effort to sort your own childcare out.

What annual leave does he take?

He definitely can't take any time off during this school holidays as he is back to back with jobs booked in and he was unable to work for most of lockdown so he's really busy now but after the time off we need the money to get back on track. My 2 were being looked after by my SIL but it would be unfair on SD and SIL as they have no previous contact or relationship apart from the odd gathering at our house. I don't know what the answer is this year but definitely things need to change for next year

@mummycanihaveadrink

He definitely can't take any time off during this school holidays as he is back to back with jobs booked in and he was unable to work for most of lockdown so he's really busy now but after the time off we need the money to get back on track. My 2 were being looked after by my SIL but it would be unfair on SD and SIL as they have no previous contact or relationship apart from the odd gathering at our house. I don't know what the answer is this year but definitely things need to change for next year

Your husband either needs to take time off work or you need to pay for a childminder /holiday club...

Do you have shared finances? Could you join a care agency or your local hospitals bank (usually throigh NHSP) and work a few bank shifts when your husband is at home if there’s going to be a financial hit.

To be honest if he's going out to work and you're at home anyway, then I think you should do it. You knew he had a child when you got with him. Would you expect her to go to a holiday club whilst her half sibs are at home? He's working so you don't have to.

The answer is that your husband finds childcare for his kid.

Why is her mum not having her?

I see so many posts like this on here-men remarrying, carrying on with their life as normal and expecting their new wife to be childcare for their children from their first marriage.

If he hadn’t remarried-he would not have been able to make these arrangements with his daughter as he would be working. He needs to make different arrangements. He can o my do this because of you.

@SuperEkstra I do work and have my own income so he is not providing any more for the family that what I am. I wouldn't say we have shared finances, we both pay a set amount into a joint account and then remaining is our own. 100% childcare needs to be sorted by him, also I'm not saying I would send her to a childminder or similar if I'm at home, I mean if I have childcare in place for my own kids

I’m feeling rather sorry for this poor unwanted kid.

Not sure what the contact arrangements are but it doesn’t sound like she sees a lot of her dad. If he can’t take time off work because your household, including you, can’t afford it then I think you need to help out- at least they can see each other in the evenings.

It sounds like everything has gone a bit wrong because of covid. In which case, add this on to the list of things that are crap because covid.

@Letseatgrandma so do you suggest that I just refuse and leave him to it? As I've been very close to doing this before

@RUOKHon because she has her the vast majority of the time as it is.

[quote mummycanihaveadrink]@Letseatgrandma so do you suggest that I just refuse and leave him to it? As I've been very close to doing this before [/quote]
Well, I don’t think personally I would have agreed to it in the first place.

What was the arrangement before he met you?

@chinateapot I feel bad now. But I already put in 50% of the bills. We stupidly took on a very big mortgage and are struggling to keep up with it now especially as COVID wiped out 3 months of income

I would suck it up this year. I think it's a bad idea to be going away or meeting up with friends at the moment. A second wave, bigger than the first, is very likely.

Hopefully, things will be better next year and childcare options available.

I would probably say on any other year that he needs to get on with it himself. However, options have been really limited and you have said yourself that he is working flat out to get caught up.

I would definitely feel irritated and not a little resentful but I suppose if there genuinely isn’t any option then I don’t know what else he would do.

The crux of it for me would be whether this has been discussed and he 100% understands what sacrifices you are making or whether he is just wandering out the door and leaving you to it

Yet another man who doesn’t take care of his own children
And a woman that enables him

How much annual leave does your husband take? Why can't he take some leave?

Just tell him you don't want to play step mum to his daughter and he needs to sort something out for her in future as looking after her will be his responsibility during future breaks. Does he have family that could help look after her? Even if it meant he had to spend his summer with family it may be better than causing you so much resentment.

@mummycanihaveadrink

For all that's been said on here I can see that I need to be a bit more forceful at saying no maybe. It's not my fault if we can't commit to all of the holidays

Great attitude - not!

Let him take the 6 weeks off and you pay the entire household costs that him not working means he cannot contribute.

Or stop your moaning and get on with being what you chose to be a partner and stepmother!

Another one with mug tattooed to their forehead.
I don't buy this you take the kids on too.
The kids have 2 parents of which a new partner is none.
Tell them to get stretched and parent their own kids.