Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

@Magda72

I don’t feel I’ve been overly judgmental. You’d need a really good spin-doctor to put a positive spin on this entire situation. The update doesn’t make him sound any better; he was okay with his daughter moving hours away because ‘her partner seems a nice man’ and ‘the mum might get her act together’. The cynic in me would suggest he thought good riddance but he’s trying to bring it in a nice way and the second part suggest he lacks self-knowledge or basic introspection.

I don’t care about his working arrangements (or finances)-zero sympathy, I really don’t, he should arrange his work to accommodate a basic level of parenting. His child had no say in this entire situation, and she’s the only one I feel sorry for.

Again I also don’t think step-parents should automatically fill in gaps, I really don’t. The responsibility of both parents. The problem is this assumption only holds value when the child has one or two decent parents. However if you think it’s a good idea to associate yourself with individuals whose parenting is at best lacking then you can hardly be surprised if this ends up being the case.

Unlike the child a step-parent makes a conscious decision to enter a relationship. You reap what you sow. Tbf I also feel that grandparents might fill in the gaps, out of basic decency. In casu there is no good alternative, he is not suddenly going to step up is he. Poor girl.

Poor girl indeed.

I'm sorry to have to be the voice of reality but when you date somebody else with kids you have to expect that until their kids become adult you will have to look after them at short notice and plans being cancelled to accommodate them that's part of being a SM to someone else's kids, even though you have arranged childcare for your own it sounds as if your partner can not which then falls on you to make sacrifices, they come as a package with the Dad so you will just have to accept it as that is what you signed up for.

Honestly this crap that sm's are supposed to fill in all the parenting gaps (physical, financial & emotional) just because they have the nerve to get with a man who has kids just infuriates me beyond belief

But single mums and dad's come as a package is what is allways said on these forums, at first you may not have to look after your sd or ss but as time goes on your partner will expect you to look after their sd or ss whilst they go to work it is what allways happens when you date someone else who's already got kids and you are then seen as being selfish if you don't help them out with childcare for their children, quite a few minority of people start a relationship and can't see the long term implications when you date somebody who already has children and then they come on here complaining that it is affecting their life and their plans like in this instance, it is quite obvious to most this situation was going to happen in the future, that is why people prefer not to date people with kids because of the hassle and complications later on in the relationship, I wouldn't put up with my plans being cancelled all the time as a result of somebody else's kids, just move on to someone who has less responsibilitys so you can enjoy life more.

She's asking for a break to recharge. For a few days whilst mum swans off for 5 weeks

OP absolutely has an entitlement to a break and shouldn't be expected to look after step children all the time they are with their father. However, this is a father who has his children 13-14 weeks out of 52. Why shouldn't the mother have a break of 5 weeks? How is it different to the OP finding childcare for her children and swanning off to be with her friends? Don't make this about the mother (and I do take the point that she seem to have changed arrangements with no discussion). The OP has a partner issue, not an partner's ex's issue.

@jimmyjammy001 the parent shouldn't bloody expect their partner to look after their kid. If my OH said to me that his kids were coming and he was off to work I'd be making plans for the day for myself. His kids are not my responsibility

This is an interesting thread, the crux of which is that when you partner up with someone who already has children you cannot expect that those children will not impinge on your life - nor that you should not extend a shared responsibility for them.

It is all very well to take the view that this is not your child; but she is your partner's child and when you marry in this situation then you are indeed accepting a package. You cannot just say that this child is nothing to do with me; as indeed the OP is aware as she does care for her SD at times. It is unfortunate that on this occasion it has scuppered her plans.

The point that I keep trying to make is that this little girl is regarded as an encumbrance all round: Dad can't be bothered with her; Mum is glad to be shot of her; and Step-Mum is pissed off that her plans have been disrupted. It is beyond hope that she is unaware of her place in the scheme of things; and what does that do to her?

If your husband has to live with your kids year round , it seems not unreasonable for you to accommodate his kid for a few weeks.
If over the course of the year, he has never in anyway helped you with your kids, then it is not unreasonable to refuse to change your plans to have to assist with his kid.
Being a partner/spouse does not require you to be a minder of his kid, but it should require you to access fairly the accommodations that he makes for your children.

As an adult, he may not feel the need to point out the accommodations that he makes for your children. As a grown-up , he may just handle it without feeling a need to point it out.

The thread seems to have drifted a little.
How about we have less of the “when you marry a man with a child you have to sacrifice your own life and plans without even the basic courtesy of being consulted about it” and more of the “when you give birth to a child you have to sacrifice your own life and plans because you are responsible for that child and can’t just decide to abandon them to other people’s care who have had no say in it”.
Not buying the “poor mum needs a break” line when it comes with a side of “doesn’t give a shit who has the kids as long as she doesn’t and it was her that moved too far away for more frequent visits to be practical”.
I also suspect the same posters who think that dad is pond scum for working as hard as he can to provide for his family after an extended period unable to work during lockdown would be the same shrews screaming blue murder if he had no income and couldn’t pay maintenance. Then it would be “he’s expecting his child to live on fresh air, he’s a poor excuse of a man, poor neglected DSD” (no such concern would be shown for his two resident children who also wouldn’t be provided for financially by their father at this time, I’m sure).

Imagine he cancelled all that work and became a SAHD just to be available on the off chance that his ex decided to pull this shit? What then? Who is benefiting from that really? Not even the ex.
OP has been looking after DSD during her dads contact time to allow him to work to provide for all three of his children and still spend some time with his daughter. It’s a pain but she’s doing it for the benefit of the whole family.
The real big problem is that now she’s expected to look after DSD during the ex’s contact time, too, and cancel her own plans in her own childfree time to do it. It’s not unreasonable to be massively pissed off about that and no amount of “you knew what you were getting into” bullshit changes that.

@Giespeace - very well said!

Honestly this crap that sm's are supposed to fill in all the parenting gaps (physical, financial & emotional) just because they have the nerve to get with a man who has kids just infuriates me beyond belief

Yes. I hate this shit.

I have no issue looking after my step children the odd time when I am consulted and asked prior or in an emergency.

I certainly would not get with a man with children and then expect to be an unpaid nanny for the entirety of the school holidays, unable to make any plans of my own or to cancel them because their mother has decided with no prior discussion that I'm having them for another week. My answer would be no and I would carry on with my plans and leave my husband and his ex to sort out whatever they wanted.

It makes my blood boil the double standards on here. You should never get too involved as a step parent, never step on mum's toes, never think of yourself as a parent, plans and contact have nothing to do with you, stay out of it until it's inconvenient for the parents of course and then it's all 'what did you expect?', they are your kids too, cough up all your time and money when mum or dad clicks their fingers because you're a family. No.

I help out, I am kind and caring toward my step children but I am not taking on parental responsibility of them, they have two parents. The same two parents they had before I was around and the same two they'd have if my and DH ever split up. If I'm at home and not busy then fine, but if I have plans... Well that's just tough really.

You've arranged childcare for your children OP, your husband will have to do the same. He is a big boy I'm sure he can figure it out, but unfortunately due to prior arrangements, you aren't free for those days.

so you will just have to accept it as that is what you signed up for

No it isn't. Please show me this contract that step parents sign to say they will live the rest of their lives at the beck and call of the child's two parents? OP has and does do more than enough as a step mother in terms of childcare. She has an arrangement with friends now and due to the mother changing the situation at the last minute dad is now stuck for childcare. OP should not just have to go 'okay, I'll just cancel my plans then no problem'. She is entitled to be pissed and she is entitled to say sorry DH but this one is for you, her father, to sort.

Why can't he arrange childcare? He is a grown man. I'm assuming if OP goes along with her plans he isn't just going to do nothing. He will sort something. At the moment OP is giving him the perfect excuse not to bother because she is making all the sacrifices and changes and bending over backwards to accommodate him (and their mum). Remove the free nanny (OP) and her husband will have to sort something like plenty of other parents do throughout the holidays.

Just a though OP, but I've looked sfter my SC for quite a lot of lockdown. However there have been days when I've been unable to and my husband who is also self employed has had to take them to work with him. Could this not work? What does your husband do?

Mine has a workshop and does engineering type work but he has an office with sofa and food making stuff etc... And sets them up in there with their screens or they play on their bikes outside. It's not perfect for long term but it works on the few days we are stuck just fine.

I do not think it is at all about knowing what you signed up for when you married a man with children so much as it is about fairly accessing what the partner /spouse has to tolerate with having your children in his/her environment far more than having his/her children present in that same environment.

Just because the other partner/spouse does not complain does not mean that they do not at times find the situation to be inequitable.

Equity and fairness come in many forms.

I also suspect the same posters who think that dad is pond scum for working as hard as he can to provide for his family after an extended period unable to work during lockdown would be the same shrews screaming blue murder if he had no income and couldn’t pay maintenance.

It’s not about his (current) working arrangements. Besides children cost money, you’d figure he’d know that. It’s perfectly possible to provide for your children and provide a basic level of parenting. He hardly bothered beforehand. His bad decision-making keeps affecting his child(ren). Good fathers don’t do that. He ‘unselfishly’ allows his daughter to move away, and hardly sees her. Mind you he did take the whole two weeks off last year, so there’s that I suppose. Oh and one of the reasons being that he has to work extra hard is because he took out a ‘very big mortgage’.

Being selfish/ruining your own life, no problem. Further ruining an innocent child’s life, I take issue with. There is really no alternative. You can refuse filling the gaps, but apparently nobody is going to pick up the slack. So what do you suggest; a solution that doesn’t negatively impact the child. Step-parents, knowingly get involved with people with children – you’d expect a bit of due diligence concerning the parenting of the prospective partner.

[quote Tyersal]@jimmyjammy001 the parent shouldn't bloody expect their partner to look after their kid. If my OH said to me that his kids were coming and he was off to work I'd be making plans for the day for myself. His kids are not my responsibility[/quote]
I'm surprised your relationship has lasted so long, as soon as I say I do not want to go to legoland or peppa pig world on my day off with partner and her kid and then eat rubbish food at hungry horse because they've got a play area and listen to kids running around screaming and crying I get called selfish and mean, at the end of the day people with kids come as a package and you have to accept that to make it work if you really like your partner, that means looking after them occasionally and going out on days out including them otherwise there will be resentment in the relationship.

We aren't talking about looking after them occasionally or including them on some days out.

We're talking about OP being expected to spend the entire summer as free childcare and then dropping her own plans just because mum has now decided she isn't having her daughter back when she was supposed to.

In that situation it is up to the parent to sort it out, not the step parent to drop everything, sacrifice her already made plans after spending plenty of time helping out already, and bending over backwards to accommodate unreasonable parents.

Dad is an adult, he can sort out childcare for a few days whilst OP is away like plenty of other parents have to do. Or is it just because OP is a woman that dad is apparently incapable of finding childcare for his own children for a few days and OP should drop everything she's doing to bail him out of his parent duties? Can't imagine a step dad being told the same to be honest.

@jimmyjammy001 it means that for you by the sounds of it, it doesn't for me. I do my own thing when OH has his kids and he does his, we catch up when they've gone home, it works for us

He's working so you don't have to

Not the case when they have shared children. Even if she wasn't working, which she is, she would be not working to save the money on childcare for their joint children they would both otherwise be responsible to pay. He's not doing her a favour.

I do not think it is at all about knowing what you signed up for when you married a man with children so much as it is about fairly accessing what the partner /spouse has to tolerate with having your children in his/her environment far more than having his/her children present in that same environment

That’s all well and good but irrelevant here as the OPs children were fathered by her DH and I’d like to think he does far more than tolerate his younger children in his environment as a special favour to OP.

I did not realize that the husband was father to all three children. In that case he is working to provide for all of his children. He is not doing the mother of his oldest child any favors. He is the 24/7 father to all of his children.

The OP should insist that he work less to be available . If he has to lose income, that is just the foreseeable outcome of his being available to care for "his children" in the home that he works to provide.

TBH, caring and planning for 3 children does not require much more effort than caring and planning for 2 children. Parents manage households with 3 children all across the world.
I agree that the OP's husband should do a better job of communicating. Absent a better communication strategy, maybe he should plan to work a part time business from home ; this would serve to equalize their contributions.

I can't believe your DH let his daughter go and live an 8 hour round trip away.

this would serve to equalize their contributions

OP has started that she pays 50% of bills and her DH pays 50% of bills.

TBH, caring and planning for 3 children does not require much more effort than caring and planning for 2 children

The problem here is OP has already made childcare arrangements for her two children during the time she was due to be away (when DSD was supposed to be back at her mum's). All dad has to do is sort one child out. I don't see why it's apparently so difficult for him to do that for a few days, with notice.

This issue is not for OP to sort out. She has made arrangements for her children, the ones she was expecting to be in her care at the time as DSD would have been at her mum's by then has the plans not changed, dad will have to do the same for a few days, hardly the end of the world.

The mum appears to do the vast majority so how dare some posters want her to do even more.

Op your DH sounds like a deadbeat dad. Parenting the bare minimum. Stop enabling him. Its his responsibility. If his working supports you then you have to suck it up.