Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

She does do the vast majority and I agree that OPs DH should sort this out however I don't agree that doing the vast majority doesn't excuse just leaving a voicemail saying 'im not having DD back when we planned for another week now, don't call me back to discuss it because I won't answer, bye.'

And it certainly doesn't mean OP has anymore of a responsibility to cancel her prior made plans to accommodate it.

Dad should sort it.

Don't agree doing the vast majority excuses just leaving a voicemail**

When she moved her child that far away from her father she decided/dictated he’d have limited time with her. That being their arrangement, one she pushed on everyone to suit her own ends, she had no right at all the change her plans and refuse to have her DD back on the date agreed.

WOW. So the OP made plans for her own children for while she went away with friends, being the responsible parent she is. And then in the end after all that, her plans get disrupted over a stepchild needing looking after. If that isn’t a recipe for resentment then I don’t know what is.

The op is entitled to have some child free time with her friends and have a bit of freedom, just as much the the stepchild’s mum is. The way people are going on, they must think that just because her partner has a child then her life must revolve around her.

@Willyoujustbequiet

The mum appears to do the vast majority so how dare some posters want her to do even more.

Op your DH sounds like a deadbeat dad. Parenting the bare minimum. Stop enabling him. Its his responsibility. If his working supports you then you have to suck it up.

She moved away making weekday shared care impossible - her choice.

She is the child's Mother - she needs to take responsibility for her own flesh and blood. If the other parent is working and she is not, then tough shit, she looks after her own child. Being a responsible parent does not mean that you dictate that someone else looks after your child - by all means ASK someone to help YOU care for YOUR child but don't expect it as a given. If that person can't or won't look after your child, then you have to make alternative arrangements by consent with another person.

Tell your partner that he will have to take the time off work, and rearrange jobs or whatever, to look after his own child while you are on your planned few days away with your friends. That's a sticking point. You've said repeatedly it's a money thing but you'll have to cut costs somewhere in that case. Plus money is important but so is his time with his daughter, presumably?

She is the child's Mother - she needs to take responsibility for her own flesh and blood. If the other parent is working and she is not, then tough shit, she looks after her own child. Being a responsible parent does not mean that you dictate that someone else looks after your child - by all means ASK someone to help YOU care for YOUR child but don't expect it as a given. If that person can't or won't look after your child, then you have to make alternative arrangements by consent with another person

The child is currently in her father's care. Why is it somehow her mother's responsibility to sort this?

Because the plan was that the child would be in the Mother's care at this time but she left a voicemail "changing her mind".

The child is currently in her father's care. Why is it somehow her mother's responsibility to sort this?

Well actually no, the child was supposed to be in mum's care during this time. She left a voicemail saying she had changed her mind.

.... and the child's FEELINGS........about being an encumbrance?

Mother is at fault for suddenly changing her plans with the consequence that the OP's plans have gone awry. Dad is between a rock and a hard place.

And in the middle is a child who just needs to be number one in someone's heart.

Well actually no, the child was supposed to be in mum's care during this time. She left a voicemail saying she had changed her mind

But the child is still in her father's care at this moment (if I'm right - I might be reading it wrong). So it's really neither the mother nor the OP's responsibility to manage the children. It's her partner's. So he needs to pick up the phone and discuss with his ex and work out what's going to happen next. The mother can't/won't sort it unless she is made aware of the issue and asked to be reasonable. She may decline to be reasonable in which case, OP's partner will either need to sort childcare or discuss the issue with OP and come to some kind of arrangement. He also needs to make it clear to his ex that arrangements need to be set in stone and that he is unable to offer flexibility or last minute changes except in cases of dire emergency.

Constantly saying it's mum's fault isn't going to solve this. She won't magically appear at the right moment unless discussion takes place and some kind of going forward resolution is put into place.

If it was me I'd tell him I have plans to go away and he needs to sort out childcare for his DD.

I wouldn't be cancelling my getaway for this reason.

His child is his responsibility...it very much send like you are facilitating him seeing his DD.... if you left him what would happen?

Would he reduce contact to 2 or 3 times a year?

Whilst I am one to say you knew he had children....it's more in relation to other things ..like having to pay CM or cancelling plans because something had come up with his child ......This does not include you being used as childcare, as it's his responsibility and not yours.

Mother is at fault for suddenly changing her plans with the consequence that the OP's plans have gone awry. Dad is between a rock and a hard place.

And in the middle is a child who just needs to be number one in someone's heart.

And as always on these threads, people hold the stepmum up to the same standards and expectations as the parents. Actually, maybe even more so!
-Dad is working.
-Mum does the majority of care so this instantly means she has the automatic right to dump her child on the dad whether he’s actually there or not (great parenting).
-Stepmum isn’t at work but god forbid she has plans. She the evil witch for not “putting the child’s feelings first”.

The bio mum sounds like a cheeky cow. Get hubby to leave her a message saying you are not around and she needs her daughter back or you'll be leaving her on the doorstep.
Threaten her with applying for full custody too.
If you think she'll be disappearing the day the SD was due back take her back early.

I would be fuming.

Tbh given the lack of summer holiday clubs this year you may have to give a bit unless you want your DH to take annual leave or unpaid parental leave to look after his daughter, which frankly is what he should be doing, particularly if he only see her during school holidays.
You married a man with a child and frankly that does mean sometimes you will have to compromise but cancelling your mini break is a bit much, DH needs to sort arrangements so that isnt necessary. Tbh its his DD I feel sorry for, sounds like noone wants to spend time with her this summer, poor kid!

Tbh its his DD I feel sorry for, sounds like noone wants to spend time with her this summer, poor kid!

The op had plans though. She has a life outside of being with someone with a child and at some point, spending time with her partner’s child will not feature in the top of her priorities. The parents are the ones who needs to make time for their child right now.

My point is, in the op’s case I don’t think it’s a case of “poor kid” because the op is doing nothing wrong in not wanting to look after her.

I do t think you should cancel your plans op. Your husband should sort childcare - normal parents start with grandparents and then their own siblings and then move into paid options if that doesn't suit.

When you're at home with your kids I think it's unreasonable not to have SD as well but since you've made plans to go - you should still go.

I despair at men that can't manage to sort childcare - and have the cheek to think other people will cancel their plans to suit!

I despair at men that can't manage to sort childcare - and have the cheek to think other people will cancel their plans to suit!

To be fair on the op’s partner, it’s actually his ex who thinks people will cancel to suit her. He could have said no, but his ex was very abrupt about it. He has to go to work so it’s all left for the op to clear up everyone’s mess.

To be fair on the op’s partner, it’s actually his ex who thinks people will cancel to suit her. He could have said no, but his ex was very abrupt about it. He has to go to work so it’s all left for the op to clear up everyone’s mess.

He’s a miserable excuse of a father. I don’t understand why everybody keeps falling over themselves to defend his actions. He doesn’t care about his daughter. He only cares about himself. He’ll probably soon get his wish though, she’s 9, realistically she’s not going to want spend term breaks away from friends in the not too distant future.

And yes her mum doesn’t sound too great either. Nobody in this setup wants to take responsibility for their actions/ decisions.

Threads like this once again really confirm how so many separated fathers, require a woman to facilitate them seeing their own children.

Time and time again I see threads with the same story and I wonder how much effort these men works make to see their child if they didn't have a new partner.

Nobody in this setup wants to take responsibility for their actions/ decisions.

Again, I have to jump in and defend the op after this comment.
I’m not really bothered about the mum and dad. They’re both not shining in bright colours anyway. It’s the op who needs defending.

@Mischance

This is an interesting thread, the crux of which is that when you partner up with someone who already has children you cannot expect that those children will not impinge on your life - nor that you should not extend a shared responsibility for them.

It is all very well to take the view that this is not your child; but she is your partner's child and when you marry in this situation then you are indeed accepting a package. You cannot just say that this child is nothing to do with me; as indeed the OP is aware as she does care for her SD at times. It is unfortunate that on this occasion it has scuppered her plans.

The point that I keep trying to make is that this little girl is regarded as an encumbrance all round: Dad can't be bothered with her; Mum is glad to be shot of her; and Step-Mum is pissed off that her plans have been disrupted. It is beyond hope that she is unaware of her place in the scheme of things; and what does that do to her?

But why is it step mum who is expected to rearrange set plans?

It’s the husbands child

Why? Because OH cannot get out of work, the mother is just ditching the child without a thought for her emotional well-being, and it is just step-Mum left. Unless OH can find some way of being there, what is left? Find some child care facility that the poor child does not know and let her sink or swim?

None of it is ideal; but the priority has to be the emotional health of this unwanted child.

Her mother sounds like a piece of work.