DP adult kids - need some advice

[Namechanged127865]

Been with DP for a few years now. Own a home together along with my 7yo Ds.

What I need help with is DP 2 adult children. Both settled and with kids of their own. They hate me and refuse to acknowledge my existence. They blame me for splitting up their parents marriage and being the OW. I wasnt at all, we started seeing each other about 12 weeks after the split.

It's like Dp has 2 totally separate lives. The kids refuse to come to the house, never want to meet up when he asks about making plans. What they do is at very short notice (an hour tops) ask to meet up with him, he obviously wants to see the kids and grandkids so agrees even if we have plans or are in the middle of something.

He hates it, he knows it upsets me being dumped at the last minute but he is desperate to keep a relationship with them, understandably, he loves them. He says it's so hard because he cant even mention me and my DS in their company. If he does in conversation they just ignore him and change the subject.

I get on great with the rest of his family and we socialise with his parents etc a few times a month. At family meals for birthdays etc I am only invited if the kids are not going. So, usually I'm left out on these occasions (his parents are lovely and always apologise) or I wait at home until I get a call to say dinner etc is finished and the kids have gone so I can go and join them.

I know they hate me (although with no good reason) but to be honest I think they are adults and need to just get over themselves. They are controlling so much. I have spoken to Dp but he has no idea what to do to make it better.

So has anybody got an advice? Do we just carry on as we are and let them carry on refusing to acknowledge my Dp has a life with me and my DS or should he try and bring it up and talk to them about it and risk them throwing a strop and then refusing to see him?

I'm not desperate for them to like me but feel they need to accept that I'm their dads Dp, that I'm in his life and that I'm not going anywhere.

It's getting us both down.

@JudyGemstone

I'm certainly not suggesting men can't be emotionally abused by their female partners but it does sound a little far fetched. He's painted her as a proper pantomime villain.

To be fair, if I gave a list of my do ex wife, you’d be shouting “oh no she didn’t” with the best of them.

You’d be wrong, she was and is utterly awful!

Some people really are villains, not all Crazy Ex stories are the bloke projecting his own abuse.

Do = dp

I flaming well corrected that too!

Op you're not having an affair with the man so why are you accepting crumbs?

These are adults not children and their df private life is none of their business, they either stop being rude and accept the situation has changed or they come back when they learn some manners, if they have a problem being there when you are then that's entirely their problem, I can't believe your dp is allowing his family to disrespect you like this, I find that disgusting in itself, I'm sorry I'd be shot of this circus.

I can't believe your dp is allowing his family to disrespect you like this, I find that disgusting in itself, I'm sorry I'd be shot of this circus
Except we don't know the full background. Maybe OP was his very young assistant. Maybe she used to come over to the house and befriended his kids of the same age.

Maybe they got emotionally very close for many months, going away together whilst he was telling his wife she was crazy to think he could get with a woman his kids' age.

So in the above example scenario, even if indeed they only started sleeping together a few months after he moved out of the family home, you could see how his kids got to hate OP.

Without the full background to what happened leading to the divorce, it's impossible to judge whether their attitude is outrageous or very much understandable.

Thank you for all the replies but I'm going to step away from the thread now.

I dont understand some pp who keep going on about "well we only know one side of the story" "maybe this happened instead". On this internet forum all posts are obviously one sided. All I could do when asking for advice was to post what I believe to be true. Short of asking Dps ex and kids to come on here and give their side of the story I dont know what else I can do.

Thank you to the pp who have given me advice and opinions based on what information I provided and understood that Dp was in an abusive relationship. I have taken your advice onboard.

Of course that is the case, but you wrote yourself in your opening list that they had no reason to hate you even though they think that you broke up their parents. How is that not a good reason?

Ultimately, you say it wasn't the case, they say it was. You will both have your own version of the truth.

The bottom line is that you can't takeaway their belief just because it doesn't suit you. You need to accept they have a different version to you.

Your oh is happy to drop everything to see them, it's him you need to discuss this with. His family are happy to have them over and oy ask you to come when they are gone, again, it's their choice. They are adults, tbey could invite you and tell the GCs not to if that's an issue for them but they are not and again, that's their choice.

should he try and bring it up and talk to them about it and risk them throwing a strop and then refusing to see him?

Is your DP prepared to do this?

I'm not desperate for them to like me but feel they need to accept that I'm their dads Dp, that I'm in his life and that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm sure they do accept that you're their dad's DP... they must don't want to have anything to do with you.

I just feel with the amount of hate they have for you, what would be the point of being at the same events. It would be uncomfortable for everyone there.

You don't want your DS having to see that.

They may also dislike you because you're a bit younger than they dad/mum... and think he left mum for a younger woman. Think about it...they were late 20s and he gets with you...who has a DS about about 4 or 5 years old at the time. A child he could easily be the grandad of...I can see why they feel as they do.

You say he was in an abusive relationship....well he still is. Perhaps he should consider therapy if it's really bothering him. I wonder if he's more upset seeing you upset....and if you didn't mind he'd be okay.

He does try to arrange meet ups but they are always "busy". Then click their fingers and expect him there.

They expect it, because he goes running. He needs to assert himself and say "I'm in the middle of something....how about Saturday around 2pm"... if that's no good..he should say let me know a good time, but I need a couple of days notice.

It doesn't sound like they have any respect for him at all.
If you don't want to see someone at a larger event don't go, but don't expect the entire gathering to exclude other people just because you have an issue with them.

Well they do expect it and the wider family do as they wish, because it's a matter of who they prioritise.

Saying it’s ok, they don’t have to like you and don’t have to see you is not acceptable

It is their choice to see the OP or not. Why should they be forced to see her?

a parent who behaved like this to the partner of an adult child would rightly be labelled toxic and controlling.

And it would be the responsibility of the adult child to decide whether or not to see their parent under these circumstances.

There would need to be a reason the parent didn't want to see their DIL/SIL...even if it was a perceived reason.

The adult DC have a reason they don't want to see the OP.

Strange attitude they have.

Why is it strange.

My Dad cheated on my Mum and got the OW pregnant.

I was 13 and angry at him but I accepted his relationship with her when they moved in together

Not everyone would accept it and you were very young... too young to understand the complexities of relationships.

If my DC accepted the OW in the scenario you had, I would feel let down by them. I wouldn't say anything...but I wouldn't be happy about it.

Similarly, I would feel I wasn't being loyal to my mum if I accepted the relationship of my dad and an OW.

OP, do you know why they think you are the other woman? It sounds like the fact they think this is why they refuse to have anything to do with you.

My mums friend was in this situation. She met a man with older kids. His kids refused to have anything to do with her and he told them in no uncertain terms that he expected them to treat her with respect. Both kids instead cut contact with his entire family, blocked everyone on social media and basically vanished, for 8 years.

My mums friend and the dad then had a baby, a little girl, and when she started school she made a friend. This little friend turned out to be the dads grand-daughter. His son had had kids and he didn't know. The 2 girls got on very well, helped repair the relationship slightly to the point they could be civil. It then came out that the older kids mum had told them all those years ago that their dad had been cheating with my mums friend and had left their mum and broken up the family to be with her. It wasn't true. But that was why the kids had lost 8 years with their dad.

He now has a relationship with his son and the grandkids that came from the son, but his older daughter still refuses to have anything to do with him. She has 3 kids that he has never met and she actually stopped speaking to her brother for a period of time when she found out he had shown pictures of her kids to their dad 😳 it's ridiculous.

Could the same thing be happening here?