DP adult kids - need some advice

[Namechanged127865]

Been with DP for a few years now. Own a home together along with my 7yo Ds.

What I need help with is DP 2 adult children. Both settled and with kids of their own. They hate me and refuse to acknowledge my existence. They blame me for splitting up their parents marriage and being the OW. I wasnt at all, we started seeing each other about 12 weeks after the split.

It's like Dp has 2 totally separate lives. The kids refuse to come to the house, never want to meet up when he asks about making plans. What they do is at very short notice (an hour tops) ask to meet up with him, he obviously wants to see the kids and grandkids so agrees even if we have plans or are in the middle of something.

He hates it, he knows it upsets me being dumped at the last minute but he is desperate to keep a relationship with them, understandably, he loves them. He says it's so hard because he cant even mention me and my DS in their company. If he does in conversation they just ignore him and change the subject.

I get on great with the rest of his family and we socialise with his parents etc a few times a month. At family meals for birthdays etc I am only invited if the kids are not going. So, usually I'm left out on these occasions (his parents are lovely and always apologise) or I wait at home until I get a call to say dinner etc is finished and the kids have gone so I can go and join them.

I know they hate me (although with no good reason) but to be honest I think they are adults and need to just get over themselves. They are controlling so much. I have spoken to Dp but he has no idea what to do to make it better.

So has anybody got an advice? Do we just carry on as we are and let them carry on refusing to acknowledge my Dp has a life with me and my DS or should he try and bring it up and talk to them about it and risk them throwing a strop and then refusing to see him?

I'm not desperate for them to like me but feel they need to accept that I'm their dads Dp, that I'm in his life and that I'm not going anywhere.

It's getting us both down.

That sounds absolutely horrible. Firstly I think you need to ask yourself if the rest of the relationship is worth it!

How old were they when you got together? Do you think that their mother influenced them when they were younger?

Dp is older than me (11 years) so the kids where late 20s when we got together.

Their mum probably has influenced them against me although we have talked previously and been ok.

The relationship really is amazing the 90% of the time that the kids dont bother. I feel guilty being upset when he drops things to go see them.

I don't think he should be dropping you at short notice . They are adults and should not expect their father to be at their beck and call. Is he not willing to say he's busy and arrange a convenient time?

When we have discussed it I have said to him that its disrespectful of them to expect him to drop everything last minute. He totally agrees with me but I think he is scared to say no incase they then refuse to see him and not let him see the grandkids for a while. Which I understand. Just cant get my head around grown adults acting like this. If they where teenagers I would understand.

Would they really refuse to let him see his grandchildren for not being available immediately and suggesting another date? I feel like he's giving them a huge amount of power here.

If you knew him when he was married I think they feel they’re not being told the truth and punishing their dad.

I dont think they would stop seeing him in the long run but would maybe be cold towards him for a while. That's what hes worried about.

I didnt really know him when he was married. Knew him to say hello to in passing (had seen him in a local bar with his mates a few times) but that was it. Didnt know his name or anything.

There was alot going on with the marriage that the kids dont know about because he didnt think it appropriate for them to know, so he hasnt told them. He would never talk badly of their mum to them, hes not that sort or person. Have no idea what their mum has told them though!

I think your husband need to take back some control here. Nothing will change unless he's prepared to start saying no to his children.

I feel really bad for you that you have to wait for a call to go around once they've left, how mean!!! they need to get over themselves. I hope you manage to sort it out

I've been the child in this situation. I was also married with a baby on the way when my parents split and my DM moved in with her new partner.
We wanted nothing to do with new partner for a long time (or DM to be fair). Nothing to do with my DF 'poisoning us', it was all just incredibly painful to deal with and I had my own life to get on with. My DM would lash out about it occasionally so contact would be cut all together to spare us the drama.

New DP is a nice enough guy and we have contact now, 13 years on, but there will always be an issue. The 3 of them (DM & her DP + DF) in the same room can be incredible stressful and we never know how DM will behave towards DF, who is still on his own.

We often have to choose DF for family occasion or arrange separate things (not always possible when everyone wants to see the kids on their birthday for example). We haven't spent Xmas with DM since the split as DF has no other family so that's another bone of contention. She's now suggesting we all go to her and DP but that would obviously be incredibly awkward for DF.

It's improving, but it's been years. DP will never be a part of my family, but we can get along, and he's not pushy about his involvement. It will always impact on how much DM is involved with me and my family unfortunately.

The only advice I can offer is to be patient. There's no point struggling with your DP about it as he can't change their feelings. They will likely come round in time. And I think it is important that his kids and grandkids feel prioritised, but not at the expense of dropping plans with you. My DM's DP is the opposite with his kids, and hasn't prioritised them at all (they equally dislike my DM) and it's had a serious impact on his relationship with them.

I think your dp has to be reasonable and not dump you in order to rush off and see them at a moment's notice - I couldn't live like that, never knowing I could rely on my plans. It's massively disrespectful towards you and your dp has no right to do this. It would be a ltb situation if he refused to change that.
I think your dp should make arrangements to see them on his own but he also ought to step up and parent them by not allowing this continued rudeness at family events. He shouldn't allow you to be excluded from dinners with his parents etc. I would understand their stance if you really were the OW, but if you truly had no hand in the parents break up, it's time your dp talked to them about what really happened instead of letting them unfairly blame you. He doesn't have to bad mouth their mum, but he does owe you some loyalty. This can't be allowed to go on indefinitely - your child will see this behaviour.

That’s rediculous
Your dp needs to stand up them and include you .
If not I’d end it

This situation would not happen if your dp did not allow it

Yep - your dp needs to take control of this. They have all the power because he's letting them have all the power as are his parents and extended family. I have zero toleration for adult children behaving in this way - it's ridiculous. Their his kids and he should not stop seeing them but imo he needs to:

• tell them he'll see them by himself with appropriate notice (no one should drop pre made plans for anyone bar in an emergency).
• tell them that from now on you will be included in extended family events, end of.

He needs to both call them out & call their bluff. And honestly - if he's not prepared to do that for you I'd be rethinking your future.

I think the timing (12 weeks after they split) probably has a lot to do with it. He barely allowed time to cool off from a long term marriage/relationship before you came on the scene.

I don't know if this was 12 weeks after the split...or 12 weeks after the divorce, but I'll be honest and say it seems really quick and if I were them, I'd be suspicious about you being the OW. Especially if they thought their parents were happy...but it sounds like he may have instigated the split.

There's a respectable amount of time and 12 weeks just isn't it.

Does their DM have a new partner? Do you know if they get on with him?

Why does he wait for them to contact him? He could give them a call and arrange a suitable time to visit, so this last minute thing wouldn't be an issue.

Thank you for all the replies.

I will have another chat with him tonight about it all.

The 12 weeks (looking back) was very quick. It was 12 weeks after they officially split and he moved out. They had discussed the end of the marriage months before that and he had discussed this with his parents at that time who had no idea what was happening (EA) but obviously kept the kids out of it.

His ex was/still is seeing somebody but has lied to the kids about it, her drunken best friend took great pleasure in telling Dp she had upgraded to one of the guys in their friendship group, how they were always meant to be together etc.

I think I will be telling him that I'm not going to be disrespected and dumped at the last minute for them any more. He does try to arrange meet ups but they are always "busy". Then click their fingers and expect him there.

That is horrible OP. My step son's mum told him l was seeing his father before they split up - not true but she won't believe that. Their marriage was over a long time before we got together. My stepson has said some hurtful things about me but DH has got my back and told him he is sorry he feels that way because he is wrong but l am his wife and not going anywhere. We actually get on well but l know how he really feels about me (which is more his mum's influence) - sad but that is the way it is. At least he has got the good grace to be polite to me (he is 25). Not sure l could put up with this treatment OP - like you are some dirty little secret. They are adults ffs.

Can he meet his children without the little ones and have a proper talk about what happened when he split with their mother - why it happened and how you were absolutely nothing to do with it. And answer any questions they have? Really clear everything up.

Could doing this open the door for a complete change in everything?

If not, I agree with PP that he needs to stop jumping when they call. Even if he wasn’t with you he would presumably have other plans occasionally and need to ask for different time. Also, the fact that they never respond to invitations he initiates makes me wonder if they really care. Does he give them lots of money by any chance?

This is awful, they’re manipulating him and he’s allowing it. No way would I put up with this. He needs to stand his ground and make it clear he won’t allow his partner (and himself) to be treated like total shit.

The whole 'there was no cheating we got together weeks after they separated' is rarely as it says on the tin.

Most commonly, the man says he's separated to his new fancy and that he needs time to think to work on his marriage to his wife. He then keeps the latter hanging until he is confident that he can move on straight into the relationship.

The kids are left to see their mother destroyed by the lord and betrayal and although angry with their dad, it's easier to juste hate the new partner.

They are adults, they are entitled to their feelings AND reasons you consider I existent and want nothing to do with you.

Your partner is most likely riddle with guilt hence desperate not to lose them and go with their demands. That's his choice to.

I met my dp before my exh left (we split 7 months previously but amicably and chose to remain in the same house for financial reasons) my dp did the same, waited until the right time to move. Maybe it makes it harder on the kids (all adults) to understand but mine were fine, his engage less but I've met them and are friendly (next stage is having to go to something with ex's there, avoiding so far). You need to get him to talk to his kids like adults, explain he met you later etc and he deserves to be happy and you deserve respect.

@dontdisturbmenow my exh did this exactly. Was with ow & telling her his marriage was over while I was clueless & believing he was distant due to depression & my inability to tolerate his drinking anymore.
Was I 'destroyed' when he left? Yes because I believed I still loved him & he tore our family apart.
BUT, I confined my being destroyed to the safety of my bedroom, my moments with my sisters, my therapists office. I protected my kids from it. I got a handle on my grief in private which meant that my kids could have a good relationship with their father & now sm.
There are times over the years when I've been mad as hell with exh & wondered should I have let the kids see my grief more? Did I let him off the hook too easily? But 11 years down the road & with the benefit of time & wisdom I see that exh must have been incredibly unhappy to do what he did; his unhappiness was all his, his issues, his internal stuff - myself & the kids were unfortunately just the fall guys in his life imploding. Acknowledging his unhappiness has allowed me forgive him & for that I am very grateful because 'hating' the father of your children is exhausting.
So - now I am glad I handled it the way I did & my adult & teen kids are able to navigate their relationships with their dad in a good & healthy way. I also never told them that exh & sm had an affair because what would be the point? What's done is done & the only people that would hurt from that knowledge are the kids. Maybe someday they'll find out, maybe they already suspect - but that's a conversation for them to have with their father if it ever comes to that.
My point being that kids are allowed dislike a stepparent but they should not be allowed dislike a step parent because they have been told by the other parent/family/society - consciously or subconsciously - that they should do so. There really doesn't have to be this much bitterness & ongoing hurt & fallout from separation/divorce but when there is it is DIRECTLY the fault of the adults involved & their inability to behave as adults.
I'm not saying it's easy because it's not & there's a part of me that will never fully get over my exh's rejection of me as a woman & mother - but it's a very small part that I can keep under control.
In short - there is NO need for rational adult children to be behaving this way unless they've a history of being encouraged to do so.
Btw - this post is NOT directed at you personally so please don't think I'm having a go at you - I just referenced you as you highlighted certain things.

Thanks again for replies and some different perspectives.

I'm now thinking about it from if I was the ow point of view (I def wasnt) but an still struggling to see how their behaviour would be justified after this amount of time. Maybe I am being nieve to think that as long as the parents are happy then that's what matters. I have even told my parents over the years to separate and find somebody they will be truly happy with. I dont know.

Dp has tried to talk to the kids about some of the reasons he was so unhappy within the marriage but they take their mums side when she denies it all. Hes given up on that now. Imo there was alot of emotional abuse going on (ex to dp), pressure to provide a certain lifestyle so he worked 90 hour weeks before having a breakdown, then total removal of any intimacy when he dropped his hours to something more manageable and therefore he wasnt earning as much. He tried everything to fix this and ended up running up over 50k on credit cards because he was still expected to provide this lavish lifestyle for ex and kids. About this time his ex started spending a lot of time with a male colleague and when do told her he wasnt comfortable with how close they where she laughed and carried on. Hes pretty sure she had an affair. When his eldest got married he tried to set a budget for it and was told by ex and kids "do you not love kid enough to give her the wedding she wants?". So that was more debt he got into.

He hasnt told the kids all this and the little bits he has told them have been denied by their mum and they believe her over him.

So, the kids have been brought up having everything they want handed to them.

So glad I've posted this thread because it has made me see things slightly differently. They kids are behaving this way because they have been brought up this way.

Golly, that's tough. As others have said, they are grown ups and need to be told!!
Your husband really needs to stop dropping everything the minute they call. Their upbringing sounds terribly spoilt though so they're likely to throw their teddies out the pram at this change of tack from your husband.
He also needs to sit them down and tell them so home truths about the marriage!

I have been in this situation and seeing someone move on after 12 weeks is so upsetting. It is like your parent meant absolutely nothing to the one who has moved on. Like the family you were meant nothing. I bet that has a lot to do with it and if so, was totally independent from anything anyone said about the other. I also thought wow you really can't be alone can you?! And of the new partner, you're either an affair or rebound so either way no desire to get to know you thanks!