DP adult kids - need some advice

[Namechanged127865]

Been with DP for a few years now. Own a home together along with my 7yo Ds.

What I need help with is DP 2 adult children. Both settled and with kids of their own. They hate me and refuse to acknowledge my existence. They blame me for splitting up their parents marriage and being the OW. I wasnt at all, we started seeing each other about 12 weeks after the split.

It's like Dp has 2 totally separate lives. The kids refuse to come to the house, never want to meet up when he asks about making plans. What they do is at very short notice (an hour tops) ask to meet up with him, he obviously wants to see the kids and grandkids so agrees even if we have plans or are in the middle of something.

He hates it, he knows it upsets me being dumped at the last minute but he is desperate to keep a relationship with them, understandably, he loves them. He says it's so hard because he cant even mention me and my DS in their company. If he does in conversation they just ignore him and change the subject.

I get on great with the rest of his family and we socialise with his parents etc a few times a month. At family meals for birthdays etc I am only invited if the kids are not going. So, usually I'm left out on these occasions (his parents are lovely and always apologise) or I wait at home until I get a call to say dinner etc is finished and the kids have gone so I can go and join them.

I know they hate me (although with no good reason) but to be honest I think they are adults and need to just get over themselves. They are controlling so much. I have spoken to Dp but he has no idea what to do to make it better.

So has anybody got an advice? Do we just carry on as we are and let them carry on refusing to acknowledge my Dp has a life with me and my DS or should he try and bring it up and talk to them about it and risk them throwing a strop and then refusing to see him?

I'm not desperate for them to like me but feel they need to accept that I'm their dads Dp, that I'm in his life and that I'm not going anywhere.

It's getting us both down.

@Magda72, that's all well when the kids are still little. Its another when they are teenagers or young adult. They have usually gained the maturity to pick up on their parents being upset and understand the consequences especially when they involve significant changes.

I hope you have your wills water tight.

Maybe we are different but we have always felt he is an adult and entitled to do what he wants just as we do as adults
It applies both ways. They are adults and are perfectly entitled to not be interested in getting to know OP.

They will have their reasons for not wanting to even if OP thinks there are not reasons. She doesn't know what there are and why they feel the way they do. Most people have pretty good reasons to want nothing to do with a family member.

However, they are adults and can decide who they allow in their lives and who they don't.

That's the thing, I dont expect them to like me at all but I do expect them to respect their dads choice that I am in his life and to be polite at least. I feel terrible for DP parents who are absolutely lovely because I know they feel terrible having to exclude me from some wider family events. Dps mum especially has been upset and cried in the past about it. Whilst they had been shielding it was me and dp doing all their shopping etc. Not once did either grandkid drop off some shopping or for a chat at a distance. They said I'm family now and they hate having to effectively "choose".

I think the kids are just going to have to grow up a bit and I need to stop taking a step back (and being upset) on these family occasions. If I'm invited and they choose not to attend then thats their decision, instead of me being nice and saying it's ok I understand why I wouldn't be invited.

Thank you. Just to clear up that Ds is mine from a previous relationship not a half sibling. Dp and I talked about having a child together but decided against it due to how the his grown up kids where acting.

It's also hard and has an impact on my ds as we obviously have photos etc around the house of Dps kids and grandchildren (one the same age as DS) and he cant understand why he cant meet them and play together.

It is the effect their behaviour is having on others that upsets me. Unfortunately it seems I cant change that and make it better for everyone.

They sound horrible. And your partner needs to sit down with them and have a conversation - partly about his relationship with their mum, and partly about how he wants them to respect you. However, he sounds ineffectual at best so probably won't.

You have only heard one side of the story. You are hugely critical and judgemental towards a woman you do not know without any proof that any of the gossip is true.
You were not in their marriage, which must have been a long one with grown up children. I imagine it was shocking and upsetting to see you and your son with their father weeks after he left their mother.
Cut them some slack, stop believing everything you are told (the truth is usually somewhere in the middle). You may have to accept they may never like you but still want a relationship with their father.

You are right, I have only heard one side of the story but I chose to believe my partner, it would be awful if he has been through an emotionally abusive marriage and I told him I disbelived him. I am sure there was wrong on both side because I am mature enough to understand that. His kids need to understand that as adults too as they are only willing to listen to one side of the story.

As I've said I dont mind if they continue to hate me but they are upsetting Dp and the extended family with their inability to move on and have some understanding. I dont particularly like them from their behaviour but I could still be mature enough to sit at a wider family event and be polite.

I do expect them to respect their dads choice
You have no right to expect anything from them. They don't have to agree with their dad's choice especially if that choice has caused damage.

If I'm invited and they choose not to attend then thats their decision
Absolutely. That is also their right too.

Sounds like you are more bothered by being excluded from things than the fact they haven't accepted you.

You don't particularly like them or their mother. Why would you want to see them or spend time with them then or is this more about your partner spending time with them? Do you feel he is being disloyal to you by seeing them at all?

blackmail....what ever their reasons maybe they should grow up
Except we have no idea what really happen. Maybe they saw their mum lose everything, being lied to, manipulated, having to move to a dingy place, having to work long hours despite suffering from chronic illnesses.

Who knows what the background is, but sometimes, when someone has acted badly, or you think they have, keeping them at arm length is the mature thing to do.

Your partner is only upset because you are upset. You don't like them or want to see them but are still upset that they don't want to see you?

When you say drops you at a.moments notice - do you mean even if you're on your way out together or just they call and he does to see.them? Does he cancel plans with you at the drop of a hat?

The split with his ex was reasonable amicable. The ex got 85% of the assets (because that's what the kids pushed him to do) and now lives in a lovely house mortgage free. The kids cant be upset that dad and mum split up and dad took everything away from her. He happily left with 15% of the equity in their house, a sofa and the 50+k debt. It's all done a dusted where that is concerned.

And I'm not so much upset that they dont like me, it's the implications for everyone else that come along with that.

When I say about being dropped at a moment's notice I mean like we have had a busy week, have planned after work on a friday to have a drink, some nibbles etc in the garden. I get home from work and sort out the food etc, we sit down, eating, at drink, chatting and relaxing and his phone beeps. Message to say they are at a park locally to us and does he want to come and see them. He obviously takes this opportunity and goes for an hour or so because if he was to say no sorry we have plans or are in the middle of something they will be in a mood with him.

That sounds very upsetting. The whole excluding you from family events stuff is really quite unacceptable in my eyes; you literally have to sit at home alone (or with ds) whilst they’re all out for a meal? Wow. Your dp needs to step up a bit now and sit them down for a heart to heart. Whilst divorce is upsetting (been through it with dparents myself - dm moved on fairly quickly) as an adult, I recognise that my parents need to move on with other people and be happy again themselves - I could not imagine treating my step-parents like this. It’s just very unfair.

I think you are naive hes not going to paint himself at the bad guy is he?It sounds like hes rewrittening history to suit. They obviously had a long marriage so she can't have been that bad her lack of sex drive could be hormonal or tiredness etc his debt could have been gambling and he worked extra to pay it off but easy to blame the ex wife,you weren't there and dont know what went on, his parents will side with him. I'm not surprised their reaction 12weeks is pretty insensitive to show up with another woman and her child. I imagine you were unknowingly the ow or were inline to be a new woman. I'm telling you the adult dc know alot more than you realise.

Are you closer in age to his dc?

Reading the strength of feeling from them it seems they are hurt or hurt by proxy rather than indifferent at this stage.

I wonder if there was more overlap than you know or more has gone on than you know at least. It was obviously a long marriage and they were a happy family for some of it. Is there a cliche age gap MLC here?

Lord but there's a lot of projection on here. There is nothing in OP's posts to indicate anything bar a marriage going sour due to changing attitudes to certain expectations & people probably changing.
@Dontdisturbmenow I actually think adult children should have enough cop on to realise - as another poster pointed out - that life is not black and white & to cut both parents a bit of slack. As per my post upthread - in my exh's head he was half way out the door when he met ow. I believed we were just going though a bad patch. I'm not excusing him for one minute but that's a grey area - not a black or white one. Another narrative is that he was spineless & I was blind. Life is messy & people get hurt but that does not mean you carry it for ever & it doesn't mean that adult children should feel the need to 'champion' a parent who should be more than capable of getting over things with appropriate help. No one knows what exists in someone else's marriage & a marriage breakdown is rarely clear cut or simple.
Op has been very clear and eloquent in her posts & has explained how these 'children' are dictating life for an entire extended family which is just wrong.

Ha yes good point I am definitely guilty of being an armchair shrink!

You don't particularly like them or their mother - can't imagine why that might be

I think the problem is that DP is weak-willed. And the DCs know it, so mess about giving little notice of half hearted get togethers.
I couldn't be bothered with awkward get togethers where the ex is making it uncomfortable or the DCs are being unpleasant.
he is desperate to keep a relationship with them, understandably, he loves them. He says it's so hard because he cant even mention me and my DS in their company. If he does in conversation they just ignore him and change the subject.
I mean --- this is pathetic. If my DCs were as rude as this I would happily inform then I am taking them out of my will and I'll see them when they grow up.
Any relationship he is forming with his DGCs must be poor as an hour in the park isn't enough imv.
I think you should be considering this partnership if DP is happy to continue with this carry on.

If you knew him when he was married I think they feel they’re not being told the truth and punishing their dad

^This. Not sure how you get around it tho. Your H seems to have a guilt complex as well, which doesn't help.

The ex got 85% of the assets (because that's what the kids pushed him to do) and now lives in a lovely house mortgage free. The kids cant be upset that dad and mum split up and dad took everything away from her. He happily left with 15% of the equity in their house, a sofa and the 50+k debt. It's all done a dusted where that is concerned

It really, really is about more than money.
.

I feel that some pp here cant except that my Dp (yes a man) was on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm sure if a women came on here and said her partner of several years didnt believe her when she discussed her previous abusive relationship there would be no end of LTB post.

I trust him, that's what's needed in a relationship. Now I could be completely wrong, he could have been an complete dickhead who gambled and treated his ex like shit. I just dont believe that to be the case.

I see the Dp I love who has been hardwired after years of abuse to do whatever it takes to keep his kids and ex happy, even to the detriment of is mental health, physical health and financial security.

The debts are now all clear due to us working together. I'm sure the kids wont know that I technically paid off some of a wedding and several very extravagant holidays they enjoyed because it wouldn't have crossed their minds to ask if Dp could afford it. It was expected with no thought to how dp would afford it all. Hence the debt.