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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP adult kids - need some advice

83 replies

Namechanged127865 · 01/07/2020 13:48

Been with DP for a few years now. Own a home together along with my 7yo Ds.

What I need help with is DP 2 adult children. Both settled and with kids of their own. They hate me and refuse to acknowledge my existence. They blame me for splitting up their parents marriage and being the OW. I wasnt at all, we started seeing each other about 12 weeks after the split.

It's like Dp has 2 totally separate lives. The kids refuse to come to the house, never want to meet up when he asks about making plans. What they do is at very short notice (an hour tops) ask to meet up with him, he obviously wants to see the kids and grandkids so agrees even if we have plans or are in the middle of something.

He hates it, he knows it upsets me being dumped at the last minute but he is desperate to keep a relationship with them, understandably, he loves them. He says it's so hard because he cant even mention me and my DS in their company. If he does in conversation they just ignore him and change the subject.

I get on great with the rest of his family and we socialise with his parents etc a few times a month. At family meals for birthdays etc I am only invited if the kids are not going. So, usually I'm left out on these occasions (his parents are lovely and always apologise) or I wait at home until I get a call to say dinner etc is finished and the kids have gone so I can go and join them.

I know they hate me (although with no good reason) but to be honest I think they are adults and need to just get over themselves. They are controlling so much. I have spoken to Dp but he has no idea what to do to make it better.

So has anybody got an advice? Do we just carry on as we are and let them carry on refusing to acknowledge my Dp has a life with me and my DS or should he try and bring it up and talk to them about it and risk them throwing a strop and then refusing to see him?

I'm not desperate for them to like me but feel they need to accept that I'm their dads Dp, that I'm in his life and that I'm not going anywhere.

It's getting us both down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechanged127865 · 02/07/2020 19:37

The ex got 85% of the assets (because that's what the kids pushed him to do) and now lives in a lovely house mortgage free. The kids cant be upset that dad and mum split up and dad took everything away from her. He happily left with 15% of the equity in their house, a sofa and the 50+k debt. It's all done a dusted where that is concerned

Its not about the money, I brought this up as a pp had suggested that the kids had to see ex in a rat infested shit hole and could be resentful. I was explaining this was not the case. I'm independent and have my own income, hence how as a partnership we could afford to pay off his debts.

OP posts:

Frankola · 02/07/2020 20:07

They're manipulating him because he feels guilty. And they know they're doing it.

He needs to sort it out for all of your sakes.

theculture · 02/07/2020 20:09

I suppose that if she was emotionally abuse to your DP she has probably been emotionally abusive to the DC, or at the very least they haven't had good role models for handling conflicts

Maybe your DP has been able to move on after his destructive relationship but the DC aren't as far along that path? Do they spend a lot of effort trying not to upset the ex?

Bluemoooon · 02/07/2020 20:15

The ex got 85% of the assets (because that's what the kids pushed him to do) and now lives in a lovely house mortgage free

This is crazy - why did he agree to it?
It does look like they were trying to punish him for some reason. It seems everyone blames DP for the marriage break up - but if he isn't going to tell them the truth or stand up for himself there's not much you can do.

BurtsBeesKnees · 02/07/2020 20:20

I think he needs to start to take back some control. If they text whilst you're eating, he says 'sorry I already have plans. How about we do something on x day' if they say no, then he says 'ok, no problem let me know when you have time' and just let them come to him. They are adults and shouldn't be expecting him to treat them like they are 6.

Meneenamenana · 02/07/2020 20:26

Regardless of whether or not you were the OW I don’t think it is acceptable for adult children to try and manipulate their parents and control their lives with bad behaviour. Saying it’s ok, they don’t have to like you and don’t have to see you is not acceptable - a parent who behaved like this to the partner of an adult child would rightly be labelled toxic and controlling. If they are so angry at their father that they choose to go nc that’s fine but exerting their will on other people - for example refusing to go to wider family events of op is there - is not. Your DP needs to address it with them or it will carry on forever and make everyone miserable.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 07:26

that life is not black and white & to cut both parents a bit of slack
Funny how when it comes to ourselves, we believe we are entitled to like and interact with whoever we want but when it comes to others, they should force themselves to consider the needs of someone they don't care for at all!

In any case, they are cutting him some slack since they are still still seeing him. They want nothing to do with OP, and yes, they will have their reasons for it, especially if it's not just one of kids but both/all.

Maybe just maybe, he is just happy to go and spend time with them when he gets the chance rather than doing it by fear that if says no, they won't to see him again.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 07:30

that life is not black and white & to cut both parents a bit of slack
There are hundreds of threads on MN about posters wanting to go no contact with family members or their partners. 99% of the time they are told that it's their right to do, that they are adults and they should do what's best for them.

But when it's stepchildren, even when they turn adult, they should be forced to tolerate someone they clearly have a serious issue with because...because they are step children and should shut up and put up?

I too wondered early if OP is close to their age.

fuckinghellapeacock · 03/07/2020 07:34

They are manipulating him but it certain sounds like he is manipulating you. His story sounds incredibly unlikely.

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2020 07:46

If DP's children want to not see OP then that's their right and they can not see her.
If DP's children want to see him with their children then they can arrange that just like millions of adults do every day.
They don't have to have a relationship with the OP.

Really DP and the family should be saying that DP will meet them alone and at family events the adult children need to be civil or exercise their right to not attend.

Magda72 · 03/07/2020 08:26

Funny how when it comes to ourselves, we believe we are entitled to like and interact with whoever we want but when it comes to others, they should force themselves to consider the needs of someone they don't care for at all!
Actually no. And that is not what I am suggesting re these adult children at all. They can see their father alone without op present - their prerogative & I think op would be fine with that from what she's said. What they should not be doing is manipulating an entire extended family to do what they want, ie. excluding op from wider family events. As someone else said that's rude & petulant & it's the equivalent of me telling my sister I won't go to a family event she's organising unless she doesn't invite someone whom I don't want to see!!! Or me telling exh that he's allowed at a open school event but his dw isn't because I don't want her there. That's ridiculous carry on & is extremely childish.
No one should be forced into one to one contact with people who make them feel uncomfortable, but applying that mindset to larger events where a lot of people are present is manipulative. If you don't want to see someone at a larger event don't go, but don't expect the entire gathering to exclude other people just because you have an issue with them.

Magda72 · 03/07/2020 08:30

@fuckinghellapeacock - why does his story sound unlikely?
Men can be abused too you know.

My exdp was also in a very toxic relationship with his exw whereby she verbally& emotionally abused him regarding finances, his sex drive, his masculinity etc. etc. for years.
Is his story unlikely too?

Chesneyhawkes1 · 03/07/2020 08:34

I think they need to grow up. They weren't kids when their parents split.

Strange attitude they have. My Dad cheated on my Mum and got the OW pregnant.

I was 13 and angry at him but I accepted his relationship with her when they moved in together. Tbh she did my Mum a favour giving her the kick she needed to get rid of him.

MzHz · 03/07/2020 08:40

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think your dp has to be reasonable and not dump you in order to rush off and see them at a moment's notice - I couldn't live like that, never knowing I could rely on my plans. It's massively disrespectful towards you and your dp has no right to do this. It would be a ltb situation if he refused to change that. I think your dp should make arrangements to see them on his own but he also ought to step up and parent them by not allowing this continued rudeness at family events. He shouldn't allow you to be excluded from dinners with his parents etc. I would understand their stance if you really were the OW, but if you truly had no hand in the parents break up, it's time your dp talked to them about what really happened instead of letting them unfairly blame you. He doesn't have to bad mouth their mum, but he does owe you some loyalty. This can't be allowed to go on indefinitely - your child will see this behaviour.

I agree with this 100%

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/07/2020 08:50

Your dp sounds like a right pushover. He got himself into thousands of pounds of debt and walked away from the marriage with hardly anything "because his kids wanted him to". They're still controlling him. Add adults they have no right to a say in his relationship with you. They don't respect him at all. He's still being pushed around and you're bottom of the pile. I can't see how he will ever change, this is all he knows in his relationship with his kids.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/07/2020 08:51

It's absolutely wrong for his kids to have ever been given so much control over him. He gave them that control. Probably so he can't be blamed for his own choices.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 13:54

What they're actually doing is behaving like petulant teenagers and trying to manipulate their family to jump to their tune by saying they're 'busy' each time DP tries to make plans, then expecting DP to jump, and expecting family not to invite OP to events because they don't like it
We have absolutely no idea that this is the case. OP is clearly annoyed that she didn't join on some family gathering so would rather conclude that it's because the kids are having a fit at them being there. Same with assuming her OH only agrees to see his kids because he is stated to lose them otherwise.

It could actually be that the family believe the kids take precedence over OP but don't tell her that to her face do not to upset her and her OH says he's just trying to be nice because he doesn't want to tell her that he actually loves spending as much time with them as possible.

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2020 14:15

dontdisturbmenow
Her other half sounds spineless, but it is concerning how so many posters are quick to suggest he couldn't have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, that the kids obviously have every reason to dislike the OP, that the OP was obviously the other woman, that the story with the children is just to cover up that the OP isn't wanted.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 14:25

Your dp sounds like a right pushover. He got himself into thousands of pounds of debt and walked away from the marriage with hardly anything "because his kids wanted him to"
That or the more likely scenario was that he wanted to move away quickly and felt guilty.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 14:27

The OP says herself that she gets on well with her partner's parents. Could it not be entirely possible that some adult children really are petulant and seem to think their parents should pander to their every whim
Of course, it could be too but it makes no difference because they are adults and if nothing has been done yet, it's very unlikely it will be now. They were petulant from the start, why only do something about now when it's been years?

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2020 14:36

I can understand why she accepted it to start with. Very few people want to feel like they're imposing themselves on adult children, or have the children think they're trying to take mum's place. It makes sense for a relationship with adult children to develop slowly if the children have strong feelings about their parents' relationship.

I do think the OP should have spoken up before now as the current situation means that those around the adult children are enabling this behaviour.

JudyGemstone · 03/07/2020 18:07

I'm certainly not suggesting men can't be emotionally abused by their female partners but it does sound a little far fetched. He's painted her as a proper pantomime villain.

Dinopawstomp · 03/07/2020 21:40

Is your deep concern that he will always chose them over you? if that is the case you have to decide if that's a deal breaker or not.

As much as you'd like it to it doesn't sound like he is going to change, his kids hold the trump cards (they are his children and GC) which you can't compete with. The question is are you prepared to live like that or walk away.

SandyY2K · 03/07/2020 23:09

And I'm not so much upset that they dont like me, it's the implications for everyone else that come along with that.

Well it seems everyone else accommodates them and prioritises them over you ..that's what you don't like if you're honest.

Your in-laws and DP will choose them every time and you sneak over once they leave or get left while he goes off to the park.

This issue if children believing their mum tends to happen when the dad doesn't or didn't have a close relationship with them to begin with.

If he was gone for 90 hours a week working... you have to ask how well he actually knew his kids.

Your DP sounds like it's easy to push him around. His wife forced him to work so many hours for a life of luxury and now his DC click and he goes running.....at some point in life he needs to take responsibility for how he is treated by others.

MzHz · 04/07/2020 08:52

Honestly your dp and his parents etc need to stop treating you like some kind of leper.

Your dp needs to say as of now she’s included and if the step dc can’t suck that up, so be it. He’s doing them no favours at all in life lessons actually and when it comes to his life he needs to defend it and stand up for it. His parents etc need to back you up.

Or you admit you have a dp problem and let him go.

Enough. You’ve been treated badly by these people for far too long. Stop making it so easy for you to be treated like this.

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