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Do I EVER get a break?!

642 replies

user1488481370 · 13/06/2020 09:26

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

OP posts:
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justilou1 · 19/06/2020 09:32

That poor kid. I think you know you need to lay down the law with DH regarding SD. It’s time he either shits or gets off the pot. This is fucking ridiculous!!! He seems to be using work to take the “easy way out.” You are the only one who has a relationship with this poor kid, and while you actually seem to give a shit (unlike her actual relatives) you shouldn’t be in this position right now! *Where is the empathy for you - that isn’t simply empty words, ffs?

excelledyourself · 19/06/2020 09:35

Did she even speak to her??

That poor kid Sad

user1488481370 · 19/06/2020 09:45

I’m not even bothered about myself right now. I’m enraged for my DSD. She waved at her through the window (we didn’t even know she was coming!) and then left. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry. Does she not even love her? I couldn’t do that to my children, heck, I couldn’t even contemplate doing it to DSD. I need to stay here for DSD’s sake. I have no rights where she’s concerned but she needs me and I cannot walk out on her. I need to stick it out for now. So upset.

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 19/06/2020 10:02

Tell your husband to stop the maintenance payments right now. You are the one doing the work with the poor kid. Tell him if he doesn't you will ring social services and report her for neglect and you will not be doing anything for him (as opposed to his child) ever again. Use that anger.

excelledyourself · 19/06/2020 10:10

A wave??

I don't know what my advice is, since you won't leave right now. and I get that, but your DP needs to face reality - his daughter lives with him now, that seems clear. So things need to change drastically and fast, or he'll be living with her entirely alone.

RandomMess · 19/06/2020 10:20

If you have a joint bank account stop the payments your self then tell him it's done. Tell him DD is now keeping this as her main residence and you are moving her school, GP etc. Give it a few weeks and request her Child Benefit to be added to yours.

When her mother finally realised she can take it to court and Cafcass can decide what is going to happen.

user1488481370 · 19/06/2020 10:39

@RandomMess absolutely! Unfortunately, we don’t have a joint bank account. But the money isn’t the be all and end all.

I’ve had it out yet again this morning and all he said was ‘well it’s there as it is.’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve never been in such a frustrating situation in my life!!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/06/2020 10:41

What do you have money wise or is his financially abusive as well.

Is he older than you OP? Its sounds like a completely unbalanced relationship and he knows you will stay for the sake of DSD.

Honestly leave and call Social Services on her parents and take her with you if you have somewhere to go

RandomMess · 19/06/2020 10:42

I would leave and take DSD with you tbh clearly neither of them give a shit about their daughter.

monkeymonkey2010 · 19/06/2020 10:43

I’ve never been in such a frustrating situation in my life!!
You're doing it to yourself!

excelledyourself · 19/06/2020 10:45

‘well it’s there as it is.’

What is??

I don't think you've had anything "out".

borntohula · 19/06/2020 10:48

Haven't actually read the entire thread but based on your last few posts OP, your DSD is really lucky you're around. Sad Poor you and her.

user1488481370 · 19/06/2020 11:01

So I take her and most likely get arrested for kidnapping. Yeah great plan 🤔

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2020 11:03

How is it kidnapping her??

You aren't refusing to give her back you are reusing to live with your DH anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️

Are either of them going to even ask after her welfare let alone insist that you take her back home?

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2020 11:25

Then get proper advice legal and social services.

But this cannot go on OP at all. As much as you are trying this is not the best place for your DSD to be and it needs proper and professional looking at

Please contact social and childrens services when you can and a solicitor.

ButteryPuffin · 19/06/2020 11:56

As if they'd call it in as kidnapping. They'd be relieved they didn't have to bother about her.

Move to your mum's and take all the kids with you. Your husband is letting you all down and you seem to think you can't do anything. You can go. He's brought the consequences entirely on himself.

Horehound · 19/06/2020 14:39

Op you're doing nothing to change it. Start giving ultimatums and means it. Otherwise youre martyring yourself.

MzHz · 19/06/2020 14:50

Is this prick of a husband paying this god awful excuse for a mother any child maintenance

If so, it stops today!

RandomMess · 19/06/2020 14:54

@MzHz yes he is!

Therealjudgejudy · 19/06/2020 15:12

This man doesnt respect you. He doesnt seem to even love you...you are treated as the help. Why on earth would you put up with this?? You sound lovely op, a really good mum. But at the end of the day, you need to protect your own health and kids. People will only treat you how you allow them to.

Its time to go mad...

justilou1 · 19/06/2020 19:34

He’d soon sort his shit out once he realised how much child support he’d have to pay you if you left too.

SionnachGlic · 19/06/2020 22:04

I still say go & stay elsewhere for a bit...your OH does not appreciate you or care at all about your needs or feelings. Or stay & continue to put up with it & then nothing at all changes

SpongebobNoPants · 20/06/2020 00:07

Your poor SD and I really feel for you.
Her mum sounds absolutely shit and that little girl is so lucky to have you in her life.
You sound amazing and you’re clearly doing a great job but you really do need help. Your health is paramount and it sounds like you’re literally the glue holding the family together.

Your DH needs to:

  1. Stop the maintenance (fuck that, you’re not “maintaining” DSD if she’s with you 24/7, which to be honest is clearly the best place for her to be
  2. Apply for residence
  3. If he genuinely cannot slow down at the moment (I get it, I have farming relatives - it’s not easy and you have to crack on at the appropriate times of the year) then he needs to use the maintenance money to hire help - either for himself with a part time farmhand, or for you in the form of a cleaner / online tutor for DSD / ironing lady / someone to run errands... basically whatever it takes to lighten your load until he can be available to help more at home.

You need to spell it out for him. You are struggling. You need help. You will become seriously ill if you don’t get help.

If he’s isn’t sympathetic to this or choose to take a “suck it up buttercup” attitude then you need to leave for a few days and potentially leave the kids with him. It sounds harsh but if you don’t take a break then you’ll end up in hospital again and he’ll have sole charge of them anyway.

It’s wonderful you’re taking such good care of the children but if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll be no good to any of them anyway

Welshmamma · 21/06/2020 09:12

Why pay maintenance to ex if you have DSD? That woman is controlling you all 🙁

minielise · 25/06/2020 18:37

How are things going op?