Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

After your update it’s pretty clear he isn’t seeing you or respecting you as a normal human being.

Your the nanny, cook, cleaner. Not a wife who should be cherished and respected.

Oh and FWIW, when I was admitted to hospital, DSD was back with her mother that evening!

Isn’t it fascinating how quickly that could be arranged when you were physically unavailable? 🤔

A little part of me was still feeling that DH is working hard and has a difficult ex and it’s hard for him too but that last update tells me he’s just another self serving arsehole.

Are you married OP?

One of the most galling aspects of this situation, OP is that your DH is paying his ex for YOU to care for their child. That just can’t be right.

Next time you end up in hospital, tell the midwife and consultant clearly that no matter what they say to Dh/Dp, as soon as you're at home, you will be looking after 3 kids on your own 24/7.

You need to sit DSD down and tell her she has to go with her Dad to work on the farm. Her choice which 2 days - or she goes back to Mums for 2 weeks. Make it her choice.
Its not fair that your own children are missing out because all your attention is sucked up by DSD.
It's lovely that you care enough not to send her back to her mum (who obviously couldn't care less).

I think honestly, the risk to health is less to return DD's to school than to your BP having them at home. Then you can also allow attention to your baby.
Enrol DSD in the local school. Don't ask mum. I doubt mum cares if she ever comes back as long as she gets money.
Establish residence at your house via school.
Formalise it later.

And if DP tells you HIS kids slow him down too much - point out they slow you down too.

I could be wrong... but is your farmer DP the one who had a private lap dance on a stag do last year and tried to touch the stripper “down there”... then gloated about it with his mate? All while you were heavily pregnant with your DD?

The stress of which put you in hospital with high blood pressure & early contractions. Plus the fact you were exhausted doing ALL the childcare on your own.

The same guy who also sent flirty text messages to your friend?

The same DP who’s NEVER helped you with his DSD and you’ve looked after her singlehandedly every weekend and every school holiday? The same guy you’ve repeatedly said is a lazy parent?

If this is the same man, I’d be out that door so fast. Nothing has changed - he’s still 100% disrespecting you.

Look - stop making excuses for him.
So he's got a job - big deal
He also chose to donate his sperm and now he can damn well take responsibility for the kids he's brought into this world.

He's going to run you into the ground.
He isn't interested in taking responsibility for his kids - other than throwing money at them/their mothers.

He never should have been a father......and more fool you for enabling him.

@WizardOfAus ugh I remember that!

You're doing this to yourself if all you want to do is complain about it, and not actually do anything.

As I suggested earlier in the thread, pack a bag for you and the little ones, and go to your mum's tomorrow, at least for 3 days. Don't ask DP, don't wait for him to give you permission, just go. Your mum may live in a one bedroom flat, but at least she'll look after you and your children and give you a break from this horror!

Stop! Stop making excuses .. stop taking his BS! Pack your bags and take a time out or pack his bags and let him stay in a barn or something .. call SD mum and have her fetch her and you take care of YOU!

H and ex have you just where they want you .. I know it is easy for us to say but from your updates your H is a turd! I bet he creates more work so he does not have to deal with the kids issues or you ...

If he can ship ( bad term) Sd off when you were hospitalised he can do it now too ..

Read your posts OP ... you are a convenience for him ..

Could you have an open and honest discussion with dsd ? Explain to her what your concerns are and that you need some help ? Engage with her and include her.
I know it’s her parents responsibility too but she’s maybe looking to you for a bit of guidance.

DH sounds utterly spineless when it comes to dealing with EXW. You might need to at least threaten to consult a solicitor about this. If she is working cash in hand and cheating benefits and she is threatening your DH’s maintenance, this is an issue - especially when DSD is in your care almost all of the time anyway. If she is in your care all the time, surely he shouldn't be paying maintenance, and that’s one huge bill he doesn’t need to worry about.

MY bp is rising reading this!
Honestly op your dh sounds borderline (psychology) abusive & with no disrespect intended towards you, you are tolerating his awful attitude & behaviour.
I appreciate there is a child caught up in all of this, but that child is NOT your responsibility no matter how much both her parents are trying to make it seem so.
If dm is getting maintenance & benefits then dsd should be back with her - end off.
Like others have said I too would pack up my own 2 kids & be out of that house asap & leave dp & exw to sort their dd out - I guarantee she'd be back with her mum before day's end.
But unfortunately I think you have bigger issues than your dsd, but I guess you know this.

OP, I read this in your other thread-

DH’s father died before he was born, his mother taught him that women took responsibility for bringing up/looking after children, laundry, cooking, housework, lighting fires, being at their husband’s beck and call etc. She was the female equivalent of a chauvinistic pig.

You’re fully aware your partner won’t change. He believes child rearing is your responsibility. He has sexist attitudes towards women (hence last year’s stripper saga). You can accept it and raise your daughters in that environment, or leave. But I fear you’ll be back in another 12 months, under a different username, a 5th child on the way and complaining you never get a break. Stop being a martyr and go this time before you’re run into the ground.

I can see PP getting frustrated with and for the OP, but don't victim blame. It is not easy breaking free and it doesn't happen in an instant.

You're basically a free babysitter for DSD. If he wasn't married to you what would happen now?

Your story sounds similar to a thread last year, except the DSD used to hit the OPs DD as well.

The OP had HBP and had to take her DD and DSD to hospital. It was appalling.

Your DH is not stepping up as a parent.

@SandyY2K
I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. I hope to god it’s not the same OP still dealing with the same shit a year later

@Giespeace

I don't remember the other chap being a farmer, but who knows.

I do recall the SD was quite violent, which doesn't seem the case here.

Op i have no words of wisdon i just wanted to say you seen like a lovely mum/step-mum. Your dh and dsd's mum dont appreciate how much you are doing for them. I hope things get easier and you have a healthy pregnancy.

There is only one solution here, they are not going to change. You need to leave, your step daughter has 2 parents who will need to step on and parent her when you do.

I second that it sounds like a DH problem. I feel for both you and your step daughter, she probably really wants her mum and dad to show an interest and spend time with her, you say dh doesnt get home til very late- is she waiting up so she gets to see her dad? Would she see him if she got up and went to bed at normal times?
I think she might be desperate to spend time with him and then is getting overtired and irritable as shes sleep deprived and still not seeing her dad.
Being a step mum must be really tough but i think you have to try and treat her equally to your biological children and you couldnt send them back anywhere.
I would try and get dh to ringfence time with her and stick to it and dh also needs to broach the subject of her going back to her mums but he needs to step up his parenting too. You sound exhausted, can your dh have all the kids so you get a break? Make sure he mucks in with housework too, he is working hard but so are you.

Also sounds like she may possibly have additional needs,10 year old can usually have a shower, wash their hair brush their teeth by themselves, have school mentioned anything? Might be worth talking to school and gp

For goodness sake, OP isn't the child's mother, the child's father is too busy working either because he needs to or wants to, the child's mother is doing sweet FA. Why does no-one seem to think it's the child's Mum responsibility to look after her own child?!

He doesn't love you. I'd be leaving him!

Her mum has driven all the way over this morning. Dumped a load of school work on the top of the wall outside and left to go and see her dad and sister. DSD is absolutely beside herself.