Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Why are you putting up with this shit?

Seriously, he won’t listen so pack your kids up and move out for a week and let him deal with DSD for a week and see how fucking hard it is.

You are being mugged off left right and centre.

Arrange with her mum to go back for two weeks on two weeks off... get a group what's app with u all on and just tell her how u feel.

Stand up for urself, u need a break too!

Thank you for asking, I’m actually a lot better now I know we’re pretty much having DSD full time. So is DSD.

I saw her mum today when we were out for a walk. I had to do a double take as o was sure I’d seen her sat in a car but then thought I must’ve imagined it until DSD said ‘look there’s auntie Sarah’s car.’ *Sarah is her mum’s best friend. Luckily DSD didn’t see her mum sat in the car.

Have been having altercations with in-laws this week. There’s a thread about it on AIBU? Always something. On the more positive side of things, DSD seems much more settled and OH has been setting aside an hour a day to help with home schooling. He’s also been pulling his weight around the house a bit more too. Hopefully he keeps improving on this! The relief is palpable.

Hopefully he is going to stop paying maintenance too...

Hmmm we haven’t addressed that one yet. I know a payment went out yesterday...

User. You sound amazing, a wonder adult in her life, I think stop paying maintenance and use that money towards a cleaner to help you get on top of the housework and washing and ironing, your husband sounds as stressed and under pressure as you. You two need to pull together not apart while under stress. Hopefully things will get easier x

@mintyt

User. You sound amazing, a wonder adult in her life, I think stop paying maintenance and use that money towards a cleaner to help you get on top of the housework and washing and ironing, your husband sounds as stressed and under pressure as you. You two need to pull together not apart while under stress. Hopefully things will get easier x

This is a great idea.

You’ve made fantastic progress. The maintenance ends now.

@mintyt this is where I’m a complete twat and my own worst enemy. I feel as though I’m failing and admitting defeat if I get a cleaner 😬😱😫

I know, I’m an idiot!

When did her mum actually last even speak to her?

@excelledyourself last week sometime via FaceTime.

Funnily enough, DSD had asked if she could come back for a little while and she hung up on her! Reckoned it was a signal problem.

You need to point out to your DH that DSD needs new clothes, shoes etc and that he needs to reduce maintenance payments.

He needs to step up and sort it so that you are DSD main home.

That poor girl!!! Find her place at a local school and let her "DM" fight to get her back, she clearly doesn't want to be a parent.

Stop the maintenance. There’s no 50/50 split for DSD’s care. Her DM clearly doesn’t want her but is happy to take the money. I’m glad DSD has you.

I can't believe pp suggesting the OP takes her DSD and goes away. What madness.

She has no legal parental responsibility for the child.

I do think your H doesn't appreciate what you're doing though and a week away from home with your DD and leave DSD with him, wouldn't be a bad idea to let it hit home.

I bet you he'll soon get DSD back to her mums....because then it will affect him. While you continue to do it all...he'll let you do it and not challenge her mum...because it isn't impacting on him.

Hi OP

Its really clear that you love you DSD and want to protect her. He mum and dad are being shits, but you already know that. I think those people that at getting shitty with you because you won't leave your DH don't actually understand the situation your in. I can remember begging my step mum not to leave when she and my dad had an argument because she provided such a stable life for me and I loved her. I understand why you don't want to leave your husband and won't tell you to either! I think the best way that you can gain control is to stop the maintenance payments and talk to DSD's mum. She needs to know that your keeping DSD and will need all of the relevant benefits signed over to you (child benefit). You need tobstand your ground now before she walks all over you anymore than she already has done! I'm sorry your in the situation. Deal with your issues eith DH with its appropriate and your have the energy to do it. For now just focus on making DSD residence officially with you.

Stopping maintenance requires your DH to be on board. If he's not and it doesn't sound like he is, there's not a lot you can do, unless you temporarily leave with your DD.

Your don't want or need to leave, you really need to get a cleaner, you cannot do it all, tell your stepdaughter she can stay as long as she wants too. But please stop the maintenance, your need is greater. Tell your DH that that's what to happen.

I will, I’ll get him to sort the maintenance. I think, top and bottom of it is that he’s terrified of his ex. DSD has recently expressed a wish to stay with us during the week and see her mum during the weekend - vice versa to the usual ‘schedule’ we have in place. I doubt her mother would put the effort in for every weekend like we always have but then again that’s no great deal, it just means she gets weekends off to spend with her sisters. I think we need to get some advice before we stop maintenance. See where we stand.

Good thought about advice re maintenance.
You are clearly the most stable adult for DSD, and she appears to prefer to be with your family.

😢 DSD has spent the last 3 nights crying for her mum. She’s tried talking to her dad and she’s tried talking to her mum on FaceTime too but nothing has been sorted, tonight she’s asked me if I would message her mum. She’s getting to a point where she’s just desperate to see her. Up until this point, she’d been managing very well with everything. But she’s in pieces now and my heart aches for her. I keep looking at my girls and just think I could never do that to them. Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere. I’m starting to think that perhaps her mum has untreated PND.

Contact doesn’t have to be overnight, she’s begged her mum for a day out, a walk, a trip to the beach. Anything. Fuck, is even facilitate it! I’d drive her to wherever she wanted to meet and pick her back up again. Just show your baby that you do love her and that you do care about her because right now she’s feeling very rejected and is in turmoil.

I know I can’t force her to see her little girl. I don’t know what to do 😢

That sounds awful! I hope she and you are ok xx

Poor child, I hope you manage to speak to mum.

She is so lucky to have you

Your poor dsd, that is so cruel of her Mum! I think it would be a good idea to keep a thorough record of this situation in the event of a custody hearing, if the Mother suddenly changes her mind about wanting to actually parent her child when faced with the reality of having to pay maintenance and losing benefits... Clearly dsd is far better off with you in a home where she feels loved, and your oh is going to have to be brave and stand up to his ex for the sake of his dd

SIL saw DSD’s mum drive through a neighbouring village today. She’s obviously in the area pretty frequently. She’s never once asked to see DSD or asked if she could take her out for an hour or two.

She’ll happily come over, see her friend and her kids though. This is really getting to DSD now. We’ve had another meltdown tonight, I’ve just managed to settle her down. What can I even say to comfort her? She’s saying her mum doesn’t love/care about her. I reassure her that she does but I can’t make promises about when she’ll see her again.

I think we need to go through court and get something rigid in place.
Something that her mum has to stick to to ensure that she does see her from time to time. I can’t see any other way.

OH said to me last night that he couldn’t understand why DSD was trying so hard to be nice to her mum on FaceTime etc. I told him that when you’re a child and even an adult, if you have a parent who pushes you away or seems disinterested, you try to make them like/love you more. So you try to be more lovable, you try to be nice to them. You’re like a kicked puppy who keeps going back for affection and it’s heartbreaking.