Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

😳

If you are going to stay with your H can I suggest you explore being the primary carers so you have at least 50:50 and stop paying maintenance? DSD would be better off emotionally with you caring for her...

You need to speak to your Mum and SIL and see if they are actually on board to help out or not and in what way.

Perhaps your H should be looking into hiring help?

Are you treating the verucas?

No one she is in such a state

OP what are you going to do about this? Stop blaming this on his job it is on him?

Yes can you hire out some help in the farm to enable him to be there for his children

So is he paying maintenance currently while your DSD is with you? Surely as she's with you so much - there shouldn't be any CM being paid? Possibly controversial to say, but worth asking the question. The money could be used to hire help on the farm, to allow your OH to pick up his parental responsibilities in the home.

He's closing down the conversation with you about caring for the children deliberately. You need to keep it open. Is there someone he would listen to ? His brother, Mum, midwife?

@Quartz2208 I assume they are being treated - I don’t think they hurt except for when they are being treated? (Only ever had two, but that was my experience and seems to tally from what I’ve heard from other people)

The fact that she has “lots” does imply that there might be a bit of neglect here (from when she was with her mum?) - you don’t Suddenly get “lots”, which makes me wonder why they weren’t treated when there was only one or two. (Although if she doesn’t communicate, I accept it may be that nobody knew she had them, but I think it’s a bit of a red flag)

There is definitely a serious imbalance here - if YOU are looking after his DD, YOU need to have the authority to be the parent, with HIS backing. If DSD is not used to you being the one to make the rules, it’s going to be tough, but if you have no authority over her, and no ability to enforce rules through rewards/sanctions, this is just going to be hell for you. Your DH needs to understand that. If he’s not ok with you being the one that makes in the spot decisions, and if he won’t back you in those decisions, he needs to either get more help on the farm so that he can be at home to parent, or she’s going to have to go back to her mum. That sounds really harsh, but think about the lessons she is learning if she is getting away with screaming meltdowns/bedtime disasters. Neither of you are doing her any favours.

Jeez OP put yourself first! Look after your health! Your DH needs to get in some help which is NOT your mum or SIL! Do not assume they will be happy to help ..

Stop maintenance to his ex as his daughter is living with you and use that money to hire help at home or help on the farm!

He is having his cake and eating it and so is his ex..

Is your health not important enough to him and to you?

He expects your mum and sister (or is it his sister?) to help? Is there anyone on DSD’s mother’s side who could take her for a while?

Totally agree with others that he should just go 50:50 or become RP and drop the maintenance.

If her veruccas are so bad she has trouble walking then she needs so,e help. Not suggesting you do this BTW.

It is so rough that all this is falling to you.

There’s not one reason for you to choose to tolerate this disgusting failure of a man for one minute further. Literally neglecting his kid to the point that she can’t walk very much ? All these kids are learning that they are to accept indifference and neglect from a man, just to keep him, any man is better than none. Vile.

Would your family members take dsd?
Shd needs to see gp or chiropodust about the verrucas. Her dad needs to take her.and he needs to treat her every day with the gel or ointment.

And he needs to get her wet socks and ensure she wears them in the shower and bath. She should not go barefoot on any hard surfaces in the house as these can spread like wildfire.

I think you just need to plan life with DSD living with you. It is obviously the best thing for her as you are the only invested parent.
As others have said, plan chores that they can all help with. Start a chore chart with rewards. ( mine used to get a new book if they got 20 stickers).
Do what you need to be resident parents and get maintenance from DH ex.
Continue to send DD out with OH.

This isn't forever. However you will have your DSD forever. Unfortunately her parents are selfish gits who don't care for her. If you also reject her you may have a more damaged DSD to deal with through teens etc.
Can your DM come over several times a week, give you a break, help with DCs.
Also DH must take over a Sat or Sun. He is just taking advantage of the easier option by working.

User I think they are both taking the piss out of you.

I think her mum might have a change of heart if you go for full time residency. Then she will have to pay CM. Honestly I’d put that on the table.

She should be able to wash her own hair. Dd2 was doing it since she was six. I’d like to bet she likes being babied.

In your position I’d go for full residency which will allow you to set proper boundaries and give this child stricture.

I know a farmer and I don’t think people know how bloody hard it is. The farm rules your life. Sometimes a wife and kids come after the live stock. You also can’t just switch jobs.

OP his time situation isn’t going to change anytime soon so you need to start getting this situation sorted.

You either -

Tell her mother she has to come back for 50/50

Or

Go for full residency. Which I think Is the best option here as it’s quite clear her mother doesn’t want her. If she is settled at yours you can implement real boundaries and expected behaviour.

When your dh is home you need to be forceful that he has to take over specific job roles. And that he always puts his dd to bed with a nightly chat. She’s playing up for you because both parents are absent.

I am going to be blunt: you don't have opportunities to speak to your husband and advocate for yourself or your children (who he is neglecting)but you have AMPLE time to get knocked up over and over again? Your husband could hire help on the farm so he could actually parent and not use your other family members but whatever. Accept being a welcome mat what an example you three adults are setting

Your DSD is desperate for some mothering and fathering! I feel so sorry for her. I had a verucca when my parents split up. No one treated it for years because no one was putting any of the kids' needs first. She must feel so conflicted and unloved. And the one person who is giving her love and structure, is you, and she knows you are going to have another baby. Her parents are letting her down so badly and your DH is letting you down.

Verrucas are being treated. She has 2 on each foot and has had 1 on each foot since Christmas. We’ve been using Bazuka which has shrunk them to a point but have recently used a freeze treatment to try and get rid altogether but they’re so, so stubborn! @MeridianB thankfully we’ve only got hard floor in the kitchen but I’ve got her a verruca sock for the bath/shower etc.

Having 3 children over the space of 7 years isn’t what I’d call ‘getting knocked up over and over again.’ 🙄 yeah well I think I’m actually setting a fairly decent example to be fair as let’s face it, someone has to.

He’s always paid full maintenance regardless of how long we’ve had her for. To be fair her mum will still have council tax and a mortgage to contribute towards even though DSD isn’t there. I’ve urged OH to go for full residency but he says he doesn’t want to put DSD through a court case and he doesn’t want any animosity. This is the option that would suit me. We’d all know where we stood and could implement proper boundaries and rules for DSD.

@user1488481370 you need to find your voice. Stop living a life to the whims of everyone else without any choice.

You need to assert yourself and take control of this because this is no life for you or any of the children.

Your OH is at best a neglectful husband and father and is going for the easy option. Start showing him that this isnt the easy option by finding your ability to stand up.

Or leave

You need a break op
Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit ,get away from all of them
Leave your dh to do some parenting

He was meant to take both older girls this afternoon as he’s clipping sheep and they could wrap the fleeces for him. DSD didn’t want to go so was carrying on alarming. He’s taken DD and left DSD with me!! So I’ve rung him and said it’s not fair that I’m doing the lions share with the DC’s and he and DSD’s mum need to step up to which he replied ‘we’ll do you want to do all of my fucking jobs on the farm then?’

These are the sorts of replies I get everytime. Last year when I was hospitalised with BP largely down to the fact that I was heavily pregnant and alone looking after both DC’s in the holidays he was TOLD by a consultant and 2 midwives that I needed to rest! He’s so selfish!

He's awful, OP.

Ask if he wants to lose his wife and DC's.

Find somewhere else to be.

OP, I had similar through my last pregnancy. It IS utterly selfish and he has to be told that he is putting your and your unborn baby's life at risk here. Sure, the essential farm work has to be done, but he could insist DSD comes with him, and he can delay the other extra construction stuff for a year.

But I echo what PP have said. You need to make a stand because he will carry on taking you for granted until you say enough is enough. Can you get your midwife to step in and advise him on your health needs?

He also needs to grow a pair wrt the ex and stop pandering to DSD.

DSD is very lucky indeed to have you looking out for her. What a shitshow her biological parents are.

Oh and FWIW, when I was admitted to hospital, DSD was back with her mother that evening!

So what are you going to do?

Honestly how can you stay with him?

I would rather be a single parent than live with someone who cared so little for me or the DC.

I would move in with your Mum on a permanent basis tbh.

At this point you’re a volunteer, @user1488481370.

You’re allowing yourself to be treated this way.

I really think it's time to go nuclear now. I would be telling him the fucking farm will have to go up for sale to pay you what you'll be given in the divorce settlement to look after his children that he doesn't want to bother with. Including DSD if you'd have her. I feel very sorry for her and you. Would your mum have you all to stay there?