Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Good for you OP (and for your children too). How long can you stay at your friends? Long enough, hopefully, for your ungrateful OH to see just how much he's taken you for granted, I hope. Hope you are OK for funds?

If you ever doubt it, you've done the right thing for your DSD too - hopefully she'll now get the help she needs and which you've tried so hard, pretty much alone, to give her.

You take care of you and your daughters @user1488481370. Take care 🌹

Well done OP. He is treating you awfully. I hope you've taken your girls with you. Have a rest, and a bit of peace, and then a good hard look at the best future you can build for you and your girls. The freedom programme is probably a good idea

WELL DONE That's the right thing to do.

He's threatened to throw you out! The absolute cheek of him. How dare he....the man who can't just a card machine ...I don't know how you cope with him honestly.

Take your DDs away with you for a while and he can look after his DD.

That poor girl...neither of her parents are up to the task and act like idiots... what a pair ... what good had the child got with their inadequacies running through her veins.

Thrown you out? Lol.

Oh dear he may have to learn to use a card machine. Oh and look after at least one of the children he seems to keep creating then leaving to fend for themselves.

He's horrible, OP, really horrible. I really hope you can leave. There is very little you can do from your position to genuinely help your DSD.

Lovely to see that after everything YOU do to basically run his entire family, look after every one of his children including the ones that aren't yours, run the entire show so he actually gets to do his farming and, you know, not just live on his own on beans for the hour or so he's in the house - he threatens to throw you out?

How fucking dare he.

Farm or not, it's as much your home as his - more so, there are four people in the family and only one of those adults actually does and caring or takes any responsibility for the others.

Fuck his farm. Perhaps his family have the right idea in trying to sabotage it, whatever that reason is.

He's really not worth it. This is the kind of man you'll get to 60 with and think, what a fucking waste, I could have had a relationship with someone with some actual character, personality, love in them.

So you've gone, so I assume your DSD is to be shipped back to her mum asap? I mean we can't run the risk of him having to take any responsibility for these kids he likes laying the law down about.

Stay gone. You need a rest, for one thing. Worrying to be getting to this stage of pregnancy and just not having any break at all.

I hope you and your kids are out of that soon. You all deserve more

He's threatening to throw you out?

Going to look after his own daughter for a bit is he?

I’ve taken DSD too. ‘You can take her an all.’

Charming!

He’s tried ringing tonight but I haven’t answered.

Oh christ, he truly is awful. Its like a merrygoround you've been frantically pushing, for as long as you try to keep everything spinning no-one else will step up.

Please think long and hard about being with this man. You've been living to support and enable his life and its high time that stops.

He's a piece of shit.

I really wasn’t comfortable leaving her there. I felt uneasy knowing that she would likely be passed around and left to deal with OH’s foul mood. She’d be totally devastated if I’d just left her and taken her sisters away from her. I couldn’t do it.

I’m secretly hoping this kick starts something. Things need to change. One thing is for certain in all of this and it’s that I can’t leave DSD at the whim of her parents. I feel as though I need to stay involved to keep her sane and mentally well. The alternative, whether they step up or otherwise wouldn’t be pretty.

'You can take her an all'? He's a total fucking disgrace of a father.

I wouldn't speak to him tonight, and I wouldn't feel bad about it either. In fact I would speak to a solicitor tomorrow about the position you would be in with a permanent split - I know you won't want to act on that yet but it helps to be equipped with some knowledge of what you'd be entitled to.

Try to get some rest. You all deserve a lot better

You really are such a special person op. This is one of the worst threads I've read on here and I've been here for 10 years or so. You are all your dsd has got. You spend all your time looking after others. Have you got anyone who can look after you for a bit?

Op you’re awesome.

I'm relieved you took DSD and was pretty sure you would.

Your "D"P is woefully lacking and you deserve someone so much better...

He basically just does what he wants when he wants doesn't he?

OP, I think you can be sure that your DSD will remember you looking out for her. Yes, it's sad that she will probably look back and question why it had to be you, not her parents, but she'll know someone was in her corner, fighting for what is right for her. And anything else is for her parents to answer to. Whatever happens, hold on to that.

What did SS actually say when you spoke to them? Have you any idea how they will follow up on this?

Hello OP, I've just read the full thread. Where to begin!?

Well done on ringing social care, you made the right decision. They need to know what is going on with DSD and her mum. She is so lucky to have you.

Secondly and most importantly, you need to be attending your antenatal appointments. No wonder you have hypertension with all of this going on. The most important thing in all of this is your health, because clearly, without you the welfare of 4 children would be on the line. You have to be well for them, attend your appointments or else I'll sniff you out and come and take your BP myself!

I mean it when I say that you did the right thing calling social care, I am a professional, I do this day in and day out. You made the right call.

Taking my professional hat off, your OH is a prick, sorry that you've had to deal with all of this. You are doing a fantastic job, it hasn't been an easy time... Well done mama.

Sending some unmumsnetty love - let me know if there's anything I can do advise wise

@user1488481370

I’ve taken DSD too. ‘You can take her an all.’

Charming!

He’s tried ringing tonight but I haven’t answered.

Thank God for that. Was gonna say if you've left her please call as again and warn them

You may very well be accused of bloody kidnapping now. Even though you’re the only one who gives a shit about that poor little girl. I hope SS steps in ASAP!

@user1488481370

I’ve taken DSD too. ‘You can take her an all.’

Charming!

He’s tried ringing tonight but I haven’t answered.

My goodness what a despicable creature he is! I'm so glad you have good friends you can lean on for a while, for yourself as well as the children. 🌹

I’ve taken DSD too. ‘You can take her an all.’
What a father. Your dsd is so lucky to have you. Please don’t pick up the phone to him. I hope you’re doing ok.

If my Dad and step mum had got divorced, my younger brother and I would have chosen to live with her. Might this be a solution that could be floated? It would allow you to remove all the kids from this chaos if you wanted to leave.

Just for info - my kids chose to stop seeing their Dad at 8&9 because he was abusive. He lost parental responsibility eventually.

Good psychological help if you find it is amazing for the kids. And for yourself. Finding it is hard.

I did a lot of work with my eldest. We found the out of the fog website helpful. I think your DSD needs the truth. You can discuss things with her. Feeling so powerless must be so hard for you, so imagine how it feels for her.

I’ve taken DSD too. ‘You can take her an all.’

Like she's an object or something... but absolutely awful of him.
Him and his wife are a waste of space as parents.

You're far too good for this man.... and you deserve a million times better.

@FizzyGreenWater
He's really not worth it. This is the kind of man you'll get to 60 with and think, what a fucking waste, I could have had a relationship with someone with some actual character, personality, love in them.

Absolutely 💯% bang on with this. Well said.