Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Well after speaking to OH, he’s gone off the idea of getting residency of DSD 😡

Too spineless to stand up to his idiot ex, who, by the way left her DD in such a state last night by saying we’d likely be back in lockdown next week again and she wouldn’t be able to see her anymore for a while. This translates to me as, I’m sick of putting the effort in to see you and need an excuse not to bother.
She was in such a state that she was sick and we had another 2 hours at least, of calming her down.

Have told OH that if he doesn’t start going for custody then today I’m making a call to social services. Surely the abandoning her here for 12/13 weeks without clearing it with myself or OH before hand are pretty good grounds for emotional abuse/abandonment/neglect.

It’s wasn’t even 8am before we had shouting, screaming and throwing things around. Her attitude goes to total SHIT after she’s been with her mother which is another little side affect I’ve noticed as time has gone on. No fucking good to me.

Does anyone have any advice on what to say when I ring SS? Have never had to do this before so I’m a bit green.

You say your step daughter has been abandoned by her mother and her father isn't looking after her.

Say you died, op. What would your husband do?
He got with you to look after his kid. That's all. Used you for childcare. Nice eh?

I think its time to tell the mum /ex you are pregnant, and be really direct but not rude. Like, im pregnant and have been unwell aswell as my own children, we have to go back to the old arrangement as its me doing over 90% of all the childcare, ive been doing too much. don't ask your husband your doing this, tell him!!!! i think its time, i feel very sorry for your DSD as well tbh. its no life for her. what parent would be willfully separated from a child for over a month during a pandemic.

OP... I said earlier in the thread this will affect DSD and who she becomes in the future...but it's also going to affect your DDs. The effects of the current situation is going to impact on your daughters and they could end up being very resentful of both of you as parents.

These are all some of the reasons adult children seek therapy...because the instability of their childhoods has long lasting effects.

They won't accept that you were stuck... they'll see it as you chose to stay and they had no choice in it.

You also need to put yourself and your unborn child as a priority.

Unless your H feels the direct impact of this...he will not do anything. He knows that you will always be there so he had no motivation to do a damn thing.

You need a break...what's stopping you going to St your mum for a few days with the kids? Tell him your physically and mentally exhausted and you absolutely need to take it easy for the sake of the family...because if you crash and burn.... then it's all going to be on him.

I can't believe he didn't know how to use a card machine...
Does he have a learning disability?
Where has he been all his life to not know this in 2020?
What sort of family is he from?

This is so shocking...but you need to put your DDs first...because he never will.

As long as you are there... you will continue to face these problems....his ex wouldn't stand for this in a million years.

Op I've just read your thread
With regards to social services you ring and literally ask for help. Say that you are struggling with your step daughter's behaviour and are increasing concerned for her mental wellbeing and the effect that it is having on the whole family.
I had to ring them recently and they asked what I wanted from them-help guidance and support for all of us so that we can be a proper family again.

Also tell SS that you will be leaving unless one of her parents steps up an looks after her because you are unable to care for an abandoned child anymore due to her behaviour including SELF HARMING

Honestly I would leave and go to your Mums for a few weeks and see what your DH sorts out then... I suspect she will be back with her Mum within 24 hours!

@RandomMess

Honestly I would leave and go to your Mums for a few weeks and see what your DH sorts out then... I suspect she will be back with her Mum within 24 hours!

Absolutely 💯% this.

I know you're trying to do the best you can, but while you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, nothing will change here.

It's a very sad situation and you're in a difficult position with the 2 parents not stepping up and doing what they should....it's awful that they have brought a child into the world and are failing her which will lead to abandonment and other issues.

I once again have to say that what makes it worse, is the lack of gratitude, appreciation, recognition and respect from your H. He's not even smart enough to use common sense to make you feel valued in all this.... .but maybe that's asking too much considering he is unable to use a card machine. 🤔

@SandyY2K is right. Your DH should be kissing your ass. If not out of genuine gratitude, he could at least bloody pretend so that you keep it up. But he really is too thick. Can't do a shopping because he can't use a card machine. Those kids are straight up gubbed if anything happens to you!

@user1488481370

I'm glad you've decided to contact Social Services. Please don't just threaten to do it - ACTUALLY do it, whatever your OH says.

He's had plenty of time to step up and be the father but, every single time he's copped out and left you, the person who is NOT her parent but is mainly left to deal with the outcome from the neglect from both her neglectful mother and uncaring father.

Your OH in particular is at fault but leaves the burden to clearly fall on your shoulders when you have more on your plate emotionally than you can deal with. Has he considered how you will cope when you have a newborn as well? Does he even care? Tell them how this is situation affecting your own health in pregnancy now - as well as the emotional well-being of your children?

Don't be stoic any more or hold back with SS. Tell them exactly what's being going on and that you are seriously and urgently considering removing yourself and your own children physically out of the situation.

I hope you can take this next step OP because, sadly, it's been, unfairly, been well and truly left to you.

Good luck. 🌹

I have read your posts and feel for your dsd

Not only does she have a really crap mother who can’t be bothered with her unless she thinks she is about to be paid then she makes the “effort” for a couple of days but your dh is also a crap dad to all of his children as well.

I know your dh is a farmer but he has a wife he has 4 children. If he can’t find time to look after them each day then it isn’t a realistic business for him unless he puts in place help to step in where he can’t or he changes his business model to one where he can have time off during the day or evenings to be a part of the family

Yes to calling SS
Being a single working mother doesn’t mean you can’t look after your children.

Your dsd is suffering because atm she must feel so insecure. Even if she gets to see her dm the plans can change at the last minute.
Your dh needs to go for full custody and specific days when her mother has her. Even if it is a day out every 3 months
If her mother can’t do that day then it can’t be changed.

At least it will cut the melt downs down to 4 times per year than every other week.
And in some ways I think if she has a secure plan in place I think the behaviour will change.
I think in your original post about her not being able to clean herself I think this is about attention and almost going back to a time where she used to get attention and trying to mimic the behaviour so she can re enact a scenario where her mother or father did wash her and do her hair and paid her attention.

Your dsd will eventually realise her mother doesn’t love her. And only when she comes to terms with that fact will she be able to heal.

I think it is very telling that the ex only has a 1 bedroom place. Where does dsd sleep normally when she stays during the week when she goes to school?

I also think once you remove the ex from the scene for 3 months and start to treat dsd as a Dd and not make allowances for her I think family life will get easier.

The maintenance your dh pays would be better spent on a cleaner and a baby sitter so you can have a day out without dc for a few hours each week. Or for ECAs that will give you a break for a few hours a few evenings each week or a few hours on a Saturday morning.

I know you treat her like part of the family but atm you have the constant will she won’t she see her Dd going on and the lashing out and upset when she comes back.

I think almost like a husband accusing his wife of cheating when he is the one who is up to no good I think the ex telling her Dd that you are a crap mum is just deflecting her own short comings.

If you were so crap then why does she leave her Dd with you for 19 weeks. She hasn’t been working 24/7 for 19 weeks.

I really hope you get this sorted for all your sakes.

For you because I think it will bring your BP down and for your dsd because it will give her a steady homelife.

You need to take your DSD to her mum and leave her there. Don't fetch her and when the ex says why aren't you fetching her tell her exactly why. You are pregnant and dealing with the mood swings and behaviour when she's been there is not something you are prepared to do because OH isn't helping.
Does she cry for her dad when she's with her mum??
There comes a point where you have to flip your lid and tell everyone exactly what's going to happen.
If DSD stays with mum and doesn't want to come to yours then her dad has to deal with that and by the sounds of it he doesn't want to if he doesn't want her living with you.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant too and feel pure shit and my kids are older so god knows how you're managing with little ones.
You've got to decide what you're doing staying with someone who doesn't appreciate you and throws all the shit on you or leaving now before it's too late.
You're very young and this is all having a bad affect on your girls and that's not fair because they haven't done anything wrong.
If you're staying, which I think you will, Tell your OH you aren't looking after her anymore as you are concentrating on your girls and growing a baby and can't deal with the melt downs and his pussy footing around his ex, why is he so scared of upsetting her? If he wants her at your house he needs to deal with her and at the same time his other children.
I feel so sorry for you 💜

I’ve done it.

I’ve given as much information as I possibly could. Have gone back historically too.

OH is absolutely furious with me and threatened to throw me out so I’m going to stay with a friend for the time being.

Have told him that he’s had plenty of opportunities to listen to me and act accordingly but consciously chose not to each time. I’ll only take so much. DSD will only take so much. I’ve been left with no choice.

God he's a prick. You've upset his comfortable existence, that's why he's angry with you. Now he might actually have to face up to the fact hes such a shit dad. Hope you're okay.

How bloody dare he! Is DSD with you as well or not?

Throw you out? He's completely dependent on you for childcare, food shopping, the admin for his business, absolutely everything bar the actual physical farm work! It'd be funny if it weren't so horrible. How on earth he thinks he can manage without you I don't know. But it's high time he found out how much he's taken for granted.

You've done the right thing OP. Get hold of important stuff to take (like the bank card, since he can't use it anyway, can he?) Don't be cowed. Tell him you'll be requiring the child support he pays his ex plus a lot more to look after HIS kids and he can sort out all his own shit now. He is a fool to think he'll come off better by taking this tack with you.

God, he is really horrible OP.
Shocking.

Oh OP, you are obviously intelligent both intellectually and emotionally but you have been so naive with this man. You got with him when you were a teenager and were pregnant at 20/21. How much older is he? Aged 27 you now have 3 children to him and have taken on a 4th as your own as neither he nor the child's mother are interested in parenting their daughter. You are being taken for a fool by both of them. Did you sign up for a life of drudgery because that's your future, with a vindictive ex thrown in for good measure.

You have finally taken the initiative to address this fiasco and he threatens to throw you and his children out. You're not married so he can do that and you are left literally holding the multiple babies.

What do you want from your life? It surely can't be this, and he won't change - he won't change!

Get away from him and his ex. They have a very odd dynamic, it's toxic and you're the one being poisoned.

I have daughters older than you. If you were one of mine your partner would be getting it both barrels from me. How dare he treat you like a servant?! Please get away and take some time to think about how you want your life to be. Maybe do the Freedom Programme online to help you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. Good luck 💐

What a totally useless, vindictive cunt your husband has proven himself to be.
Honestly, he is nothing but a hinderance to your life by all accounts. Good on you for doing what needed to be done for your DSD, but it’s time for you to look after yourself now and cut this loser loose for good.

Well done, OP. You really tried, and SS was the last resort you were left with. Walk away now. I really do feel for her, but you've fulfilled your moral obligations to DSD. Time to look after yourself. It's clear that your husband has no intention of looking after anyone but himself.

oh god yeah im wondering if hes essentially thrown you out but expected to take DSD with you.

I think that's the sensible choice at this time. I think the love you have for your stepdaughter is wonderful but when you are fighting for her against both her parents, you just can't win.

So what about your other child(ren)?
Hmmm

@user1488481370

I’ve done it.

I’ve given as much information as I possibly could. Have gone back historically too.

OH is absolutely furious with me and threatened to throw me out so I’m going to stay with a friend for the time being.

Have told him that he’s had plenty of opportunities to listen to me and act accordingly but consciously chose not to each time. I’ll only take so much. DSD will only take so much. I’ve been left with no choice.

Who have you taken with you op? Good on you for calling ss