Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Just when I didn’t think your DH could be even more of shit, he now tells you to stop complaining about his vile ex and we discover that he doesn’t think it’s fair for your DDs to have a day out when DSD isn’t with you?

If I knew you in real life, OP, I’d come round and throw him in the slurry tank. Then I’d run you a bath and tuck you into bed with some chamomile tea.

Could you go to your mums? Explain to DSD you need a rest because of the baby and she can see her mum while you’re away (which is what will happen). You need to put yourself first.

Hugs and

I have to concede yes, you'd be better off without him. But having all the children on your own, including dsd when one is a newborn - that's a lot of pressure. So i can understand why you may not want to take that leap.

I think you going away with your DDs is the only thing that will get your H to take this seriously.

While you parent his DD ( and he mollycoddles his Ex) he has no incentive to get into gear and step up.

What's more important to him...the farm or his flesh and blood. He just doesn't have his priorities right and that's because he relies on you and what's worse is he doesn't even appreciate what you're doing.

Honestly.. he should be treating you like the queen of sheba...yet the nonsense that comes of his mouth is unbelievable!

I tell you.. if you were my sister I'd be giving your DH a piece of my mind.

Look op this is getting ridiculous. I'm glad you have called the GP but your OH is a waste of space and enables abuse of your DSD. Personally I would not have my kids anwhere hear him. Think about it like this - if one of your DD's grew up and had to deal with this shit how would you feel about her partner? Would you do anything you could to help her? If so why do you not deserve more than this crap.
Are you happy for your own DD's to be damaged by (1) DSD's behaviour (not her fault I know) and (2) your OH and the way he treats you like a nanny and a maid.
Not sure if I have misread but I thought I saw somwhere you were only 27, please don't wake up in 20 years and realise half your life is over and you have wasted it with your uselss OH.

Hope you are ok User

God I just sat and read the entire thread and all I can say is your DSD is lucky to have such a caring step mum

Sorry everyone, I’m fine, it was middle DD’s birthday yesterday so have tried to pull my head out of my arse in the hope that she had a good day/weekend. Because attention was on middle DD, DSD has been INCREDIBLY difficult and demanding these last few days. Starting fights with DD every 10 minutes, winding up, stealing, screaming tantrums the list goes on. I’m feeling very frayed and vulnerable today.

At 24 weeks pregnant I’m still being sick am experiencing sciatica and awful round ligament pain which feels like the sort of cramps you get in your calves but in your lower belly. Very intense. Trying my best, OH has stepped up a bit realising that I literally have physical limitations at the moment with three children and being pregnant with another.

We’re taking DSD over to see her mum currently. I normally dread it as I know we’ll have the emotional meltdowns afterwards that come as a result but I’m ashamed to say that today, I’m relieved. I just need a break from her. I feel absolutely dreadful admitting this.

It's fine op. I quite often need a break from my own children! Hope you enjoy some time "off".

Don't feel bad because you need a break from a child you care for full time, even when things are going well most parents enjoy a break!! Let alone when they are lashing out and creating WW3 at home.

Thank you. I literally just want to lie on the sofa and slob all afternoon. I don’t have the energy for anything else. We’re going to do a big food shop instead 😩

Can you get shopping delivery where you are OP? I would recommend it.

Glad you are ok - it's good to know that, though don't think of updating us as yet another task you have to do. You've got enough of those already!

Sending you a HUGE hug @user1488481370 - you really sound like you need some care for yourself. 🌹

Again, your husband can manage a food shop, surely?? And yes, with the kids. Like millions of parents do every day.

@excelledyourself he can’t even use a card machine. He really is fucking hopeless

Why are you with this guy? Seriously?

I don’t even know. I think I’ve just gotten used to his bullshit over the years and it’s become my norm.

Life could be so much easier. Right now it’s incredibly difficult. Everything is difficult without support and my motivation to do the simplest of tasks is at 0.

You deserve better. I just don't see this guy, or therefore your whole situation, getting any better. Same for your kids.

I don’t think it will to be honest 😫

we’re on hour two of DSD screaming and crying after seeing her mum. I can’t do anything to calm her down so have had to leave her to it for now as had youngest to sort. Not that I can get any of them out to bed until she’s calmed down 😫

Can one of you take her out a drive in the car and have a chat, while the other gets the younger two to bed?

The toll this girl takes on you and your children is actually horrendous.
You need to leave your husband. This girl needs her parents to step up and they won't whilst you enable all this.
Why exactly is she coming home to you if she's so upset about leaving her mum? Tell her mum about it..

You're being a martyr

Why isn't her DF trying to calm her down? Why is it always you?

Op your oh runs a farm. How does he cope with ordering animal feed, machinery, spare parts, new fences, nuts and bolts to repair stuff if he can't use a card machine?

He can do it. He doesn't want to.

Op, you need to put your children first. Leave him, your life will be so much better and so will your childrens

Honestly OP. I have read this thread with increasing horror.
You need to contact social services urgently. This poor child is being mentally tortured. Your own DC are suffering and will be damaged by this. Your husband is colluding with all of this and does NOT care.

Social services need to step in and you need to remove yourself and your children from this dreadful situation.