Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

The way you are dealing with this is making it worse. You are enabling the mother to take a back seat.

Well I'm sure the op is all ears as to what you suggest. If she didn't look after this child nobody would.

I don’t think the way I’m handling it is making it worse. And for once I don’t really think I’m to blame here. Just trying to do my best in pretty impossible circumstances.

Myself and OH have fallen out again. DSD’s mum was going to come over on Saturday but it’s middle DD’s birthday which DSD doesn’t want to miss so her mum is now coming over on Thursday. DSD then realised that Thursday until the following Saturday, when she would see her mum again was 9 days and she said she couldn’t go that long without seeing her mum so OH suggested that she comes over this thursday and we take DSD over this Sunday too.
I told him that’s no good, unless she’s going to commit to having her for a week or so we’re going to be left with DSD in a total state from Thursday until Sunday when she sees her mum again and then likely until wed/Thursday of that week as it has typically taken her a good few days to (for want of a better phrase) ‘snap out of it.’
He’s told me that her mum was doing her best and it still wasn’t good enough for me and that nothing would be good enough where she’s concerned in my eyes. So I backed myself up and explained that it’s me who has to deal with the upset afterwards m, the calming her down. She confided in me that she doesn’t enjoy her mum’s visits because she’s anxious and has butterflies in her stomach the whole time knowing that at the end of the day she’ll drop her back to us and leave her. And this is the problem I have, she waltz’s in, does whatever she does, dumps her back here, waltz’s out feeling like mother of the year whilst her distraught daughter takes her frustration, anger and confusion out on us and takes hours to calm down. So no, her best isn’t fucking good enough. Her ‘best’ is making things worse for that little girl. Her best is total bull shit.

I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. I’ve requested a call back from my GP about DSD, she isn’t registered with them but I feel as though this is above my pay grade now and I need to speak with someone who can set the ball rolling for help.

Does he ever tell you you’re amazing op? Or is it all thank you to the ex for consenting to see her daughter and the ex is doing her best, and you don’t get a look in I’m just so angry for you that this selfish man is putting you through this shit.

@timeisnotaline he actually told me last week that the DC’s were lucky to have me which was nice to hear.
But usually I’m taken for granted while that idiot thinks she’s doing me a favour for taking her DD for a couple of hours 🙄

I wonder if I walked out for 9 weeks, didn’t bother to see my DC’s then started to bother with them for a few hours once a week if I’d get thanked and a pat on the back like she does? 🤔

I'm glad you told your DH straight because you said exactly what is going on.

Good that you have rang your GP, please say that you think it is now emotional abuse and neither parent is safeguarding her best interests. I really think you should raise it with social services ASAP because somehow I think your DH and his ex will never listen to you but them being involved will hopefully get something resolved.

He’s told me that her mum was doing her best and it still wasn’t good enough for me and that nothing would be good enough where she’s concerned in my eyes.

The utter fucking gall of the man!!!!! He's just as bad as she is, I'm afraid. He'd rather sit back and let others take the lead because he doesn't want to upset the ex, all the while that little girl is being neglected by both her parents. He should be on bended knee thanking you for everything you do. God the bloody cheek of him!

I know 😞 I don’t know how many times I have to go through this with him. He knows this is important but seems to have a list of priorities and this is middle/bottom.

His ex knows how to get around him. She always has done and I’m sick of the shadow she has cast over us for the last 8/9 years. I’m sick of her damaging DSD, sick of being left to pick up the pieces and sick of having our lives dictated to us. Everyone in this house is suffering in some way, shape or form because of their actions.

I’m going to take DD’s out tomorrow when DSD is with her mum. I usually stay in as Im made to feel guilty about doing things without DSD but I’m over that now. My DD’s are important too. I just wish I could enjoy doing things with them without feeling so guilty!

I know you're in a very difficult position due to DSD's issues, but I couldn't stay with a man who had such blatant disrespect for me me, and disregard for his children. If he thinks that's the best a mother can do, really what does that say about his parenting values?

This man is failing to protect not only his vulnerable, emotionally unstable child, but his entire family, yet you're the one at fault?

You have a DH problem. Tell him you're not going to look after HIS daughter alone any more. That she can only come when HE is there to look after HIS daughter. You're being totally ridiculous and a complete and utter doormat. She is his problem not yours and it is affecting you and your children and it shouldn't be. You are in a position to do something about it and you aren't so you need to get serious with your DH immediately. Good luck!

I'm sorry, but your DH really is a useless sack of shit.

Can you take your 2 DDs away for a few days to stay with family, and give him a few days dealing with DSD solo so he knows what you're really dealing with?

That’s all well and good but what about DSD?

Her mum has pretty much abandoned her already. She thinks I’m going to do the same and if I do just that then what is that going to do to her? Yes, it’ll mean her mum/dad or both of them will have to step up but she’ll be mulling over the fact that I’ve had to differentiate between her and DD’s and have chosen to take my DD’s and effectively abandon her. Forcing those two to parent isn’t in DSD’s best interests in my opinion.

I agree user which is why I think you need to involve SS.

What is it about DD returning to school that means her Mum will suddenly have her Mon-Fri?

DSD will be far more settled with court agreed contact. Sadly you still can't make her Mum turn up and have contact with her though

Yep you need to involve SS now

@RandomMess her mum will have her mom-Friday whilst she’s at school because she’s out of the way from 8am (breakfast club) until 4:30-5pm (after school clubs) but is still having her the majority of the time so will claim CB and gets maintenance from OH too. As well as every weekend free. It’s all pound, shilling and pence with her I’m afraid!

That is what I assumed, you now have 4 months of evidence that she isn't interested in DSD please report her for emotional abuse.

Deep down DSD knows her Mum doesn't "truly" love her and these few months have proved it to her.

Your husband is utterly horrible. That's really the problem. He doesn't really give much of a shit about anything other than his farm really, does he? I mean - if you weren't there, his DD would currently be being passed from pillar to post with whoever her useless mum would palm her off with. Because as you said, if YOU weren't there, your H would be like shit off a shovel getting her STRAIGHT back to her mum the second contact was officially over.

HE wouldn't be willing to have his poor little DD with him for more time if you weren't there. He stands there pontificating and 'nothing is good enough for you' to YOU - the ONLY person willing to actually put themselves out for this child and she's not even yours - getting to think of himself like some kind of responsible parent when if it were down to him, he wouldn't lift a finger for her.

He's no better with his other children. Leaves them to you, hardly sees them, thinks 'helping out' a bit with parenting his own children is enough. Is no partner to speak of.

I would honestly start thinking about separating before your own children get more caught up in this shitshow. I honestly think your genuine best outcome could be to separate from him and agree the biggest sum of money you can get out of him and you agree to continue having care for your DSD, at your own new place, with her siblings. Dad of the Fucking Year could maybe visit when he has a moment free.

You have to think of yourself and your other children too. At some point, you have to think of a future with possibility and brightness and plans, rather than endlessly fire-fighting because you cannot make progress with an enemy in your midst, as well as outside.

Oh and as for the September plan you say no to every weekend. And put in a claim for the CB now.

(fantasy land music starts...)

He's not on your side.

He's on HIS OWN side, and at the moment he can use and manipulate you more effectively than the woman with her own home and some distance from him who can't be literally forced to be left holding his babies.

This isn't a good man to be with. He won't ever be. You can be a better parent to all of them without him.

But that seems to be the only way to get them to step up OP.

Neither of them are going to do that while you're carrying all the weight for them.

The reason his ex can get around him is because he also has no interest in putting the welfare of your DSD first. They have both got a set up which works (you).

@user1488481370

I know 😞 I don’t know how many times I have to go through this with him. He knows this is important but seems to have a list of priorities and this is middle/bottom.

His ex knows how to get around him. She always has done and I’m sick of the shadow she has cast over us for the last 8/9 years. I’m sick of her damaging DSD, sick of being left to pick up the pieces and sick of having our lives dictated to us. Everyone in this house is suffering in some way, shape or form because of their actions.

I’m going to take DD’s out tomorrow when DSD is with her mum. I usually stay in as Im made to feel guilty about doing things without DSD but I’m over that now. My DD’s are important too. I just wish I could enjoy doing things with them without feeling so guilty!

I'm glad you are going to take your daughters out OP. They need your undivided attention and you need your own, un-guilty time with them. It must be hard for them, and you, in this situation your ungrateful and careless husband has put you in.

What will happen to any of the children once you have given birth and need extra help? You are already exhausted mentally and physically. Maybe I'm wrong but I really cannot see your husband stepping up in any way, so where and from whom will you get some real life support? Because, I'm afraid, I just see life getting even harder for you and nothing changing for the better.

I was reluctant to mention possibly separating from your husband but now it has been is that such a bad idea? What positives are you getting from your relationship now or likely to get in the future?

Everyone has a breaking point OP - where is yours? 🌹

This is the worst thing I've ever read on mn.
I understand why you can't abandon her , I think you're her only hope.
It would be a disservice to the girl not to report this abuse to ss however .
Hopefully they can guide and support you through this .
How on earth your marriage ( are you married ?) will survive I can't imagine .
How do you ever forgive him ?
Thanking the ex for giving you a break ?
I'd have gone nuclear at that wee gem.
Maybe you can adopt her and her two useless parents can pay you maintenance .
To be real though you've got 6+ years to go so something needs to be done .

I really didn't want to tell you to leave your husband but it seems like it's the only option.
What are you gaining from this relationship? He doesn't appreciate you and the sheer cheek of him saying "nothing is good enough for you" god knows I'd of punched him straight in the face!!
How dare he treat you with so much disrespect?
If I were you I'd send DSD to her mums for a few days and you take your girls and leave and tell the bastard you are done!! You are sick of his shit and sick of being treated like a door mat and if that isn't enough to make him pull his finger out and actually realise everything you're doing and everything he's not then I'm afraid he really is a useless piece of shit and deserves to be on his own.
You are already a single mum and I'm pretty sure if you still want DSD in your life her mum will allow it cause she doesn't want her!
I really worry for you and how you will manage with a new baby added to the mix. You've got to be strong and tell OH and his ex exactly what you think and exactly what they are doing to DSD. Why should everyone else suffer and they live happily whilst you are busting your guts dealing with their mess??

This is heartbreaking and toxic on so many levels. If it were me, I’d LTB; try to adopt DSD. Get SS involved in the process.

I’d LTB; try to adopt DSD. Get SS involved in the process

I have no idea how practical an option this is, but it would be the best one for all the kids in this scenario, for sure.

I wouldn't be adopting her, private fostering yes!!