Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

@MeridianB you’re so right about DSD’s fantasy of everything she wants her mum to be and what she actually is. So sad.
She’s never once made the effort to organise contact, she’s had to be nagged into it each time.
The way DSD reacts to not seeing her makes me think she’d never cope with not seeing her for prolonged periods of time.

There are no advantages to DSD having contact time with her mum but she’s distraught by the thought of not seeing her.

We’ve had over an hour of screaming and wailing from DSD this morning because she’s dropped a stone out of her coat pocket that her mum had given her and lost it.

I know it’s not DSD’s fault but I’m really struggling with the constant meltdowns now. Youngest DD is teething and grumpy and I’m trying to split myself into 3.

We’ve all been wished dead by her again, her mum is the only one who loves and cares about her .... it doesn’t get any easier, I know she’s saying it because she’s confused and hurting but it’s so hard and I’m at my wits end today and can feel myself bubbling over the top. I’m having to really stop and think about how to react.

I’ve tried cuddling her, giving her love but she’s not interested. In the end I’ve sent her to her room and told her to take 5 to calm down. She’s screaming and yelling up there but she was just as bad down here and with DD wailing and crying too I felt like running away.

Her mother is the hero and we’re the arseholes picking up the slack and getting all of the shit. Fed up and struggling. Poor middle DD is being so good but we’ve not had proper, quality time to ourselves for what feels like an age and I’m realising that soon, she’ll be acting out and resentful if something doesn’t change. DSD is important but my other DD’s are important too.

Can you contact social services about this, OP? It's starting to sound like DSD is going to need more help than you can offer - certainly counselling. You are also at the limit yourself. Plus there needs to be something in place for when you give birth. It's been said before but you will need to impress on your husband that he will have to step up then and look after the kids.

I’d leave with my DDs.

@ButteryPuffin I really want to. I feel like I need to but OH has said that they’d laugh in my face. I replied that they take abandonment/emotional abuse and neglect as seriously as physical abuse. It’s like she’s grieving for her mum. That’s the only way I can describe it.
Enough is enough. This isn’t fair on anyone. OH thinks her mum’s boyfriend has something to do with it.

She’s just hit her head on a wall, punched the wall and hurt her knuckles 😩

Sorry OP, but I don't think you should take your husband's judgement on this seriously, because frankly he's being a shit parent right now. Ignore him. Your instinct for what this child needs is better. Do what needs to be done.

I find it interesting that he's keen to bring other people - mum's boyfriend - into the circle of blame. I would be pretty disgusted with his own failures with regard to his kids right now.

Please call social services, please look out for this little girl.

Let the shit hit the fan. At some point it will anyway rather now than in September tbh.

@RandomMess

Please call social services, please look out for this little girl.

Let the shit hit the fan. At some point it will anyway rather now than in September tbh.

Yes I also think you should call social services and get an impartial and professional view on this. This situation has been been going on so long and you have been more of a parent to that little girl than either of her natural parents. But this cannot continue with an emotionally damaged child in the centre of all this, whilst you try and cope as well as parent your own children (who may feel left behind) and preparing for a new baby.

You must be physically and mentally exhausted already - and that's unlikely to improve whilst you are just left to get on with it by a neglectful mother and a father who just buried his head in the sand whilst you step up.🌹

I have been reading this thread for weeks and I think you are nothing short of a saint (I'm not exaggerating!). I would have left a long time ago. I'm also concsious of not making you feel worse but you really need to consider the impact this is having on your DDs and their emotional developement, I cannot be good for them. I appreciate you want to look after DSD but you cannot do that effecively unless one or both of her parents steps up or you inform social services, you are effectively putting a plaster on a broken leg. I have no doubt you are a great comfort to DSD but in doing so you are doing harming yourself and your kids.

With her self harming you really do need to escalate it now. This is bigger than you should be expected to cope with.

Get a GP appointment and a referral to CAMHS. Your poor step daughter needs professional help as she is experiencing such awful rejection and blame from both her birth parents. Despite your love I feel this is not enough to neutralise the rejection she is experiencing from her birth parents

The way you are dealing with this is making it worse. You are enabling the mother to take a back seat.

Your husband is a total prick and an appalling father, and one of the most awful things about this is that while her mother is awful, you have her other parent standing right there supposedly going through this with you but actually being most of the reason this is as bad as it is. Absolutely fucking appalling and he should be hanging his head in shame. She may not have a mother worth shit BUT she's in her father's home and acting like this because really, she doesn't have him either because he literally gives NOTHING. And a stepmum can't fill this kind of gap. Especially not when said stepmum is already run ragged by having to be both father and mother to the OTHER kids this piece of crap can't see the importance of parenting either.

Horrendous night last night, DSD told me that she was terrified of her mum having a car crash, going into hospital and dying and that she’d never see her again. It took 3 hours to settle her down, she was absolutely distraught - OH was there for the tail end of it and has said that he’ll try to speak to her mum today and if that doesn’t work then to contact SS.
She’s been acting as though she’s grieving for her for a while now. Her reactions to certain things have definitely reminded me of the actions of people who are grieving.

"He'll try and speak to her Mum"

Please just ring SS yourself, DSD is self harming, her Mum is the cause of this and then September will either take DSD back or if schools don't reopen she won't.

Her only interest in DSD is for the money. Honestly is she drinking/on drugs/with a controlling partner or is this just who her Mum is?

Try and speak to the mum for what reason??What does he think he is going to achieve? What is it that he isn't getting about this situation?

I think it's time to take all this out of the hands of this so-called parent you live with.

Tell him his choices are to be there, all the time, and walk the walk, or hand over decisions to YOU, the person that is actually handling this. YOU tell him that you wish him to just call SS, now.

De-lurking to say you are doing a wonderful job but frankly your DH is almost as neglectful as his ex.
Take decisive action now, for your, your DC and DSD's sake

Hi, I have been reading these posts and not felt I had anything to add value to it. But I absolutely applaud you for going above and beyond to help ensure that little one has something or someone stable in her life. It's exactly what I would do for my step son..... If it was ever needed. I do not wish or will I ever take the place of his mum but little ones do not ask for their parents to be seperated and deserve to have a stable upbringing to have a chance at a good life. Myself and my partner have always done stuff together. Anything I do is always discussed with him including if discipline is needed, routine is important for children so we give him that. They need to know how's in charge so they do not walk all over you in years to come. That's not to say I implement discipline but boundaries need to be made in order so they can also build trust with you.

You have an amazing heart and I think you are handling more than you should. Make sure you get help whenever you need as it's important that all of your children feel this. Even if her parents are not being responsible enough to see that. Your health is important not only for them but for your unborn baby and you.

I may get shot down for this, but do you think there’s a possibility of abuse from the mums boyfriend?

With her wanting to stay with you, and your oh mentioning it.

It’s not normal behaviour at that age, the poor thing is clearly struggling, something is going on!

@Namechange8471 I wouldn't ever want to minimise the possibility of a child being abused. That said, I think there is enough going on in this girl's life already, given the neglect and uncaring behaviour of both her actual parents, to explain how she's acting. I also think it's quite possible that OP's husband is latching onto the idea of the boyfriend being at fault because it suits him to find someone else to blame other than himself or the girl's awful mother.
I think this girl is far better off at OP's house, but primarily because OP is the only adult in her life who gives a shit.

ButteryPuffin

I agree, hats off to you op, you really have stepped up for this girl. She’s lucky to have you!

You are a saint. Your dh is a child neglecting asshole. Call social services. If he has any other recommendations, do the exact opposite and the children might benefit. Has he ever actually thought of or voluntary done anything good for them? Not including things he’s volunteered you to do, which would be everything.

It really doesn’t seem like it’s helping seeing her mother. Poor thing and poor you. Don’t pay her a cent and can you use the money to pay a helper to take some of the load off you? Also, it’s very minor but I would tell him that every time he ever thanks her for agreeing to see her daughter, he had better put a solid hour into thanking and doing things for me, as the only woman or parent who gives all his children love and care. It’s one thing that he thanks her as a means of getting her to see her daughter but it’s another that he has never turned around and acknowledged that you carry everyone. Personally if I thought I couldnt trust my children with my dh if I had to go to hospital, it would be time to leave him. You could probably take dsd, no one else wants her anyway

It also sounds like you may need to get CAMHS involved so she can access some counselling. She clearly needs help to process her emotions.