Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

@Porridgeoat I fear if I thrash anything out with DSD’s mum, it’ll make her dig her heels in more. It’s very obvious she resents me.
DSD has already said she’d like to stay with us and see her mum EOW.

Asking DH why he is ignoring DSD needs and wants that is to reside with him.

He has parental responsibility there is no court order, her Mum is emotionally neglectful/absent/abusive. He can enrol her in a new school for September and he can take her to court to formalise it.

DSD has already said she’d like to stay with us and see her mum EOW

So tell your husband he needs to make that happen. Any ducking the issue and you ask why he is putting his ex wife's needs ahead of his daughter's. You are unfortunately going to have to push him on this as you are (ironically!) the only one putting DSD first, plus it would make things more stable for you and the younger ones.

@ButteryPuffin I think he’s terrified of upsetting his ex and his ex demanding DSD back and refusing us access. Especially when she realises she’s going to lose child benefit and maintenance. From past experience she’ll probably get pretty nasty about this in the hope that OH will back down (he always does) It’s obvious she spent a large part of her day with DSD filling her head full of crap. I’ve been told several times since Saturday that ‘my mum thinks you’re a waste of space.’

This is why he takes it to court now. Ex has been happy to leave DSD in your care full time for 3 months and refused to see her!!!

Whether the agreement is with you full time or just EOW plus school holidays it will be there in black and white court stamped!

You all need this stability...

Tell your H to grow the f*ck up and do the right thing by his DD.

If he works all those hours surely money isn't an issue? In the immediate he should pay for a cleaner/home help, and someone to help on the farm. It's ludicrous to do it all himself, he must barely know his own children. & There's no way you can have any quality time together. This sounds like purposely done absenteeism from family life. He needs to face the fact that he's a father, open his pockets and sort this out. Then he can deal with his parenting skills and time

My own ten year old is a nightmare - hormonal and stroppy so you have my sympathies there! If your DH can't do more I really don't know what the solution is but I think everyone dealing with young children and home schooling is pretty frazzled.

You’d think money wouldn’t be an issue but it usually goes straight back into the business, there’s always repairs to do on machinery, vets bills, land management based costs etc. Just because he’s working ridiculous hours doesn’t mean we’re rolling in it - that’s really not how farming works. He pays one of his nephews to help him occasionally but he works alongside him.
His family are trying their best to put him out of business and that’s a worry. I genuinely don’t think he’s absent purposely. He just had a lot to do to try to keep things afloat.

I’ll keep pushing for custody, I feel it’s all I can really do.

Why and how are his family trying to put him out of business?

Is the maintenance he is paying actually based on what he pays himself? Because the whole thing is a joke, he is struggling financially and paying maintenance for a child he is having 50:50 to currently full time. I really don't think he should be paying much at all...

He needs contact sorted via the courts ASAP and maintenance based on that not something he decided to give her years ago before he had 2 more DC and was self employed.

His family just hate the farm. His brother has a criminal record for beating him up, has bullied his way into whatever he wants etc.

He doesn’t pay based on what he earns, its their own ‘agreement’. I wouldn’t say we’re struggling financially, we’re just about managing, bills are all paid and we’re very lucky that so far, we’re not in any debt.

Well he's being a fool and tbh so are you for doing all the parenting and enabling him to treat you so poorly meanwhile his ex is doing zero parenting and damaging his DD.

For now he could just half the payments. Sure ex will threaten CMS but she will probably get even less than half of what he currently pays..

You don’t need a solicitor to sort out residency. You can do it all yourself with some research. First step is mediation, your OH and his ex would both have to attend, if it can’t be resolved there then they move on to court, again he can self represent.
Keep a diary, dates and times that DSD is let down by mother, behaviour of DSD around those times too.
Change her school to the local school, get her settled there so she has a firm routine, all rules apply to all children, not one set for her and another set for your own D.C.
You are amazing and she is so lucky to have you.
Stop the maintenance payments right now.
If there is already a child arrangement order made by court, she may try and get the child back, BUT the most that would happen would be a safety check by the police and the ex would then need to go back to court. Get your ducks in a row now while you have the upper hand. Time to make her residency with you official!

DSD’s mum is coming over this Saturday to pick DSD up and take her to her sister’s house (she lives a few miles away from us)

I’m pleased that after being nagged for weeks that she’s finally starting to show some initiative and am actually quite impressed that she’s come over 2 Saturdays in a row BUT I’m sick of OH licking her butt over it, thanking her and praising her! I feel like Im holding this shit together and she’s doing what she feels like when she can be arsed yet I get no thanks and she gets this out pouring of fucking applause!
After 11 weeks it’s STILL the absolute bare minimum. She’s had to be nagged and pestered to do it after over 2 months of having minimal contact with her DD. Even worse, she can find the time to come over and see her own friends, she’d been spotted twice so goodness knows how many times she’s actually been over here and not bothered to see her DD. It’s a cop out! A fucking massive cop out, DSD has been treated absolutely appallingly by both her and OH as have I!

As you can tell I really don’t like the woman, I’d think more of her if she took her for a week or so, didn’t just take her around all of her friends and family etc so that she didn’t have to deal with her 1:1. Especially after so long apart.
I probably sound really selfish but fuck it. I have to deal with DSD’s understandable outbursts and upset after these visits and after her FaceTime chats and then have to listen to her being praised like a spoilt child!!!

Gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Jesus Christ ! I’m so angry on your behalf!!!

OP somethings going to break in this situation you are in - I hope it's not you.

You sound on the brink and, given you're expecting another child, and all that goes with it, you need to try and take care of your own self more - though it sounds like there's precious room or energy for that.

Your weak and deluded partner is using you as a shield and doesn't value you even as that. How would he cope if you were suddenly just not there/able to help for a longish period of time (nothing sinister, just VERY inconvenient for him).

What would he do without you there as the buffer?

I know for a fact if I was admitted to hospital that DSD would be back with her mum within 24hrs. DD’s would probably have to fend for themselves to a degree unless my mum intervened (she’s loathed to as she thinks OH should step up and do more - she’s totally right of course!)

I don’t think I could be admitted if it came to it, I’d have to refuse. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been really fucking stupidly avoiding BP checks because I know OH would never cope if I were to be admitted.
I’m literally putting mine and my baby’s life on the line because I’m so worried about what would happen with DD’s if OH was left to his own devices.

OP, if he would leave his small children to 'fend for themselves' if you weren't there, that says something pretty bad about him as a father.

You cannot put yourself at risk. As well as the risk to your baby, to be blunt, you can't afford to die and leave all the others in his care permanently. That means - counter intuitively - he MUST step up now to avoid that.

@user1488481370

Firstly can I say you've been doing a great job in what is a difficult situation.It genuinely sounds as you treat your DSD as your own (it was baby number 4 comment that cemented that).

But I can't help but feel her mother is doing quite well out of at the moment.She's home alone pleasing herself whilst you do the grunt work with 2 little ones as well.

If you're going to have your DSD for such a prolonged period then her father needs to step up and help.If he cannot do that then she needs to go back to her mums for abit.

It's not your fault her mum has put them in a housing situation where the size of the property isn't big enough.If it's a one bed where does your DSD sleep?

Does your DSD have additional needs of what you've said is popping up some red flags

Your DH seems a pretty useless parent tbh.

It’s easy for all of us to say what you should or shouldn’t do but I think considering your load you’re doing an amazing job.
Maybe try to talk to your DH but firmly this time because it’s a tough convo to have and in regards to your DSD washing, my brothers have to be frog marched into the bathroom at home and repeatedly told to flush the toilet, brush their teeth etc so you aren’t alone in that. Hope that helps some what.
I also think your DSD probably thinks of you as her mother more than her biological mother by the sounds of it which is why she might be acting out, of that makes any sense.

I’ve been told several times since Saturday that ‘my mum thinks you’re a waste of space.

I'm sorry love that must have been really hard to hear. Sound like she's testing whether you really do love her or not.

Honestly I’ve tried talking to him firmly. He thinks he has bigger problem and doesn’t see the importance.

You just get fed up of dealing with the fall out from everything. Monotonously, constantly cooking, cleaning, washing, tidying, caring with no end in sight. No help.

Our house is an absolute hovel at the moment and it’s really getting me down. Everything here is so difficult. So awkward. There are so many really simple things that could be put in place to make life easier and make me feel as though I could cope more easily but of course, because it doesn’t affect him, it never gets done.

Can you make him less comfortable? Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry.

I’ve been told several times since Saturday that ‘my mum thinks you’re a waste of space.’

This is unbelievable. So she's happy to leave her DD with someone she thinks is a waste of space? 🙄

That would seriously piss me off and along with him thanking her for helping you out...it would be the final straw for me.

You're beyond patient and you tolerate an awful lot of crap.

You're such a good person and they're both taking advantage of you.

Until you stand up for up for yourself here, nothing will change.

The absolute cheek of him thanking his Ex for helping you out! You have been doing so the parenting of a child that isn't yours, yet he's pandering to her.

I would actually give your H an ultimatum if it were me. I'd say he stops child support immediately, telling his Exb and that you see proof that he's done, or you'll be spending time away with your DDs and he and his ex can look after DSD.

He's unappreciative and ungrateful....he should be telling you how grateful he is that you're doing so much for DSD when her mum isn't.

He should be thanking you for being there as the one stable person who actually cares and listens to what his DD wants...yet he has the barefaced cheek to carry on as he does. Shocking.

He should be ensuring he steps up and gives you a break.

I'll tell you something, you may not like to hear...he's doing this because you let him get away with it.

He fears how his ex will react, so he treated her with kid gloves.

You've shown him this is acceptable for you and ask he sees is you going on and on, yet you stay and continue doing what you do with DSD...

You have a good heart and I can see how concerned you are about your DSD. Her mum's behaviour will affect her more and more...I feel sorry for her that you're the only one who sees this.... but you're being treated badly.

Never mind that he apologised for saying to fu*k off, although I do think you shouldn't have said his medal was in the post.... he was never going to take that comment well...but I fully understand how frustrated you were to say it in the first place...I really do.

It's the sort of thing I've said in my mind many a time

Unless your H feels the impact of having his DD and realises it's only possible because of you....then he will continue he is.

Good post, @SandyY2K.

This man is coasting through his days with his own priorities and he’s demonstrating that you are at the very bottom of everything. Can you take your girls and go to you mums for a while?