Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

What has DSD said about the time they spent together?

I wonder what this woman is telling her friends and family about the current situation. I'd be rapidly distancing myself from anyone who treated their child like this.

And I'd still have stayed home and had OH do the big shop as well!

He doesn't exactly spend much time with her, does he? Would have been an opportunity.

This just sounds so familiar. OP you are ‘plugging the gaps’ for their weaknesses as parents - and I do think it just enables her Mum and Dad to neglect their parenting even more than they are doing now. I think DSD seeing you stand up for your own boundaries would be beneficial - you are her SM and not the go to childminder by default. It just means your DSD is rejected more by her parents.

Also, your comment that your DH is more cross with your than his Ex is very key - he is using you like a stay at home wife and being more of a husband to his Ex by being more loyal to her needs than yours. Watch this one! He will think that ‘he is being more of a father’ by his DD ‘choosing him’ and physically being in the house, it will feed his ego about being a better Dad, and feed his ego and any guilt about his Ex - look our separation didnt’ mean I am any less of a father etc etc...

His lack of support for you means he has no insight into his own ego driven needs. Because he’s not actually parenting more is he?!

@excelledyourself he doesn’t spend much time with any of them.

She said they went to the beach for a while and then they spent the rest of the time at her mum’s friends house until it was time for her to go home with us.
I’m surprised her family haven’t said anything to her to be honest. I know mine would if I was neglecting my children the ways she has. She’s been upset again tonight. I don’t know whether this has made things worse in hindsight.

@SummerCherry definitely but I worry about what would happens to DSD if I left. But then on the other hand you've shown me a perspective I hadn’t thought about. I wouldn’t know how best to implement it without feeling like a massive c**t.

Aah, that makes sense about your trip.

Oh wow, you have so much on your plate and in your head. Hang in there.

Just overheard OH on the phone to DSD’s mum thanking her for having DSD as it’s really helped me out.

He doesn’t know why I now won’t speak to him. DSD came through to the kitchen to tell me OH was changing DD’s nappy. I shouted through your medal’s in the post (he very rarely changes nappies but makes a massive song and a dance about it when he does). He said to DSD ‘tell her to fuck off’ really nastily and with intent. I hate giving the silent treatment but I’m constantly banging my head against a brick wall with him 😬

Oh, OP! He is awful!

Helping you out?? Who does he think he is?And swearing like that in front of his kid to get at you?

Are you sure he even likes you??

@excelledyourself his ex being a shit mother doesn’t really affect him so he doesn’t see my problem. I’ve waited for him to go outside so I can bawl my eyes out. I can hear poor DSD upstairs bawling her eyes out and I want to go and comfort her but know I’ll just upset her more if she sees I’m upset. This is so shit.

Is she crying because of how he spoke to her?

I don't know how you're managing to stay there.

When's your baby due?

How can you stay with a man that refuses to be there and stand up for his DC needs

You and they deserve so much more.

Just overheard OH on the phone to DSD’s mum thanking her for having DSD as it’s really helped me out.

Wow OP - could you be me? Ex did the exact same - when I had my c section in hospital and DSD ‘had’ to go to her Mums... he thanked her?! For ‘giving me a break’?!

In response to your other point - there is no way out of this without a right - and without feeling like you are letting down DSD. You are not - because getting her actual parents to step up more is the best thing you can do for her. She will look to them for her primary parental relationships no matter what - so helping their relationship is your number one goal.

However as you can now clearly see - her Mum is a ‘saint’ who if she does a little bit of ‘babysitting’ her own daughter will be valued for your OH. Why? Because it probably makes him feel good. My Ex really felt good that his Ex was not really being parental - weird isn’t it - because I think her helplessness made me feel more fatherly than he was, and still a ‘good man’ who could come to her rescue. Except is it YOU op who comes to the rescue. YOU that should be thanked for giving her mother a break. YOU who should be valued and respected by your OH.

Right? I meant FIGHT! Sorry. They will make you out to be the bad guy. You are the scapegoat. But it’s either be that or be the mug who has to wear herself ragged looking after your own children and someone else’s!

Unbelievable. No wonder you’re in tears.

He’s heading for a lonely, miserable life.

This is heartbreaking but also making me soooo angry. She’s not a mother at all... and she helped you out by spending time with her daughter.... RAAAAHHHHHHH

That poor kid, neither of her parents want her. What would happen if you weren’t on the scene? How are you going to cope with 4 kids and an absent father?

Behaviour has been horrendous today. A really tough day. OH apologised for what he said last night but still reluctant to go for custody. He also said he’d never force DSD’s mum to have her as he worries about who she’ll palm DSD off on when she’s with her which I can understand.

DSD’s mum is now using the excuse of work (she cleans in a pub before it opens 4 mornings a week) and having no one to look after her while she’s there. However pubs only opened at the beginning of the month so what was her excuse before that point?

His argument is totally illogical if DSD was resident with you then her Mum would only have her as and when she wanted to...

DSD behaviour being awful today is totally predictable sadly.

@RandomMess yes agree with everything you’ve said.

I don’t think going to see her mum has actually helped in the slightest. Especially annoying that she’s thinking she only has to do a couple of hours parenting every couple of weeks now and then DSD is left in such a state afterwards.

They're both full of pathetic excuses. She could take her to the pub. He's hoping she she'll take her back and that his hand will be tied about that. Neither of them want to be anything remotely like a full time parent. That's what it boils down to.

What's he's planning/hoping for when school is due to start back?

We suggested this - she said she doesn’t want to with covid etc.

Doesn’t matter that I’ve been working from home with 3 DC’s though.

@excelledyourself yes, I think us having DSD all this time reflects well on OH and makes him look like a good dad when in actual fact, behind the scenes it’s me doing everything. His family, one of his sisters in particular, give me a very hard time in relation to DSD. She’s always made a huge fuss of DSD and ignored our other DD’s, she’s so far up DSD’s mums arse that she can’t see daylight yet barely bothers to acknowledge me. She tells other family members that we leave DSD out. Comments on photos of my other DD’s and asks where DSD and shame we couldn’t have waited until we had her to do X,Y or Z.

I feel so dictated to, run down and judged and I’m only doing my best.

He’s hoping she goes back to her mum through the week when school starts back and then with us every weekend holiday.

Maybe she could choose to move to a secondary school near you once her primary school years are over. DD is voting with her feet.

Ask dsd what she wants. Start a WhatsApp group where you can thrash things out and put DD needs first.