Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Do you really think he’ll ever change and be a great parent? This is your life now, sadly..

@MeridianB

Good post, @SandyY2K.

Thanks

This man is coasting through his days with his own priorities and he’s demonstrating that you are at the very bottom of everything.

I totally agree with this 💯%

You need to think about not attending appointments that could have health implications for you and the baby, because you cannot rely on or trust your H to look after his own children if you were to be admitted to hospital.

It's all very sad indeed.

I’ve accepted that he’s just bloody useless.

I worry about DSD, our DD’s contact with him if we were to split up and I even worry about him as I don’t think he’s even capable of looking after himself very well. He’ll just work and work and work until he’s in a grave. Despite everything I do love him.

DSD’s mum came for her today and told us that herself and DSD would be staying the night at her sisters (she lives near us) I’m incredibly grateful of some quality time with middle DD as between DSD and toddler DD, she’s really had to take a backseat but has been a star about it all to be honest.
DSD’s mum rang tonight to discuss DSD coming back to us tomorrow, OH said well I thought you would just drop her back with us on your way home and she said oh I’m not staying over night anymore but DSD wants to still so you’ll have to pick her up in the morning.
I’m sure DSD will have a lovely time with her auntie, uncle and cousins but it’s the principle. She’s passed the responsibility to her sister and then fucked off.

Is it worth speaking to DSD aunt when you pick her up and see if she has any idea why her Mum is refusing to spend time/look after her?

Hopefully it's her dad picking her up, not OP. Although he obviously won't want to ask questions and rock the boat.

OH is picking her up. I doubt anything will be mentioned.
She will do no wrong in her family’s eyes. Despite saying she’d spend the night with her and then binning her off yet again 🙄

DSD’s auntie fetched an incredibly upset DSD back to us today.
I’ve actually had a good chat with her and she apologised for how her sister was behaving and said she couldn’t fathom her.
DSD’s mum stayed with them last night after her sister had ‘strong words’ with her despite her earlier change of heart to leave DSD and go back home. She’s also offered to have DSD for an afternoon once a week to try and make up for her sister’s absence which I though was incredibly kind. I’m pleased that DSD has someone in her life who evidently cares for and loves her so much.
She’s had a lovely day/night with her auntie and cousins but broke down when she was dropped off.
Her mum had a word with DSD last night and said that she will be unable to go back there until September when the school s (hopefully) go back thanks to work commitments and there being no holidays clubs etc to put DSD into so that she can work.
By the time she goes back in September DSD a will have been with us for almost 19 weeks. This plan hasn’t been discussed with myself or my OH.

Poor DSD. Your husband now has to stop maintenance. D S D's mum has declared unilaterally you will be having her full time for the school holiday period. You need that money and he can tell her it can be reviewed in September - though it can be a stepping stone then to her being mostly with you and visiting her mum.

Can you get the aunt to back you up with your husband on this? Glad she is prepared to get involved in some capacity.

And the answer to the excuse 'but Ex will go mad' is SO WHAT? This is for his daughter's good. She comes first.

I feel a bit as though I’ve got an ally in DSD’s auntie - she’s the first person I’ve spoken to about it in RL who hasn’t made me feel unreasonable and like I’m going mad. I’m very grateful I got the chance to speak to her today and it would be nice if we could remain on good terms for the sake of DSD.
He’s stopped all standing orders today. He’s furious with his ex.

I’m very grateful I got the chance to speak to her today and it would be nice if we could remain on good terms for the sake of DSD.

That would be nice. It's good to see that her sister helped out.

He’s stopped all standing orders today.

Finally. That's good.

He’s furious with his ex.

Hey he doesn't say anything to her.

Make sure this is all logged on paper OP... she will be furious once the money stops.

Please ask your DH to apply for a court order so that she lives with you guys

@RandomMess I’m just going it keep bringing it up and pushing it until he considers it.

@Noshowlomo she’ll be absolutely beside herself when the money stops. At first I wasn’t bothered about there money but now I just think we’ll you deserve everything you get, or don’t get, as the case may be.

Great progress, OP. Especially with the aunt and maintenance.

Why is your DH suddenly furious with her when he never has been before?

DSD has had another meltdown tonight which culminated in her lashing out at her sister, then at me and having a panic attack.

This is so damn difficult. She said she doesn’t want to fall out with her mum but said she was angry with her at the weekend for saying nasty things about me. I didn’t push for what she said. I can’t be arsed with it and think it probably comes from her own self preservation and guilt for being such a fucking useless mother. Still hurts though when you’ve spent the last hour trying to defend her to her DD.

OH is ringing citizens advice bureau tomorrow for advice regarding custody.
I’m really worried about her and worried about what this is going to do to her long term. She’s terrified of having another panic attack which of course makes another one more likely. She’s apologised profusely for hitting myself and DD but she she felt like she wasn’t in her own body and like she didn’t have control. Classic panic/anxiety attack 😢

She’s just 10 😢

Give her lots of cuddles tell her it's not her fault, ask her if she wants to stay living with you. Tell you don't care what her Mum says about you because you love DSD and you know that she loves you even when she has done something unkind like hitting and shouting etc.

Go on line, find the documents to download to fill in and take it to court.

Not that this helps OP but it says a lot about the security you (not your husband, you personally) provide for her that she lashes out at you. She can do that because she knows you won't walk away and give up on her. It's terribly sad that she does not get that from either of her biological parents. Just made me think of that reading what Random wrote above.

Still hurts though when you’ve spent the last hour trying to defend her to her DD.
Perhaps you shouldn't do that any more? Firstly why would you - isn't it enough you are not actually saying bad things about DSD's mother? Secondly, isn't DSD then just being confused about her own feelings about both you and her mother when she's seeing and hearing conflicting things? Even though your positive words re DSD's morning are said because you care for DSD?

Thank goodness she has you, OP. And it sounds as though her father is FINALLY stepping up - I hope he maintains the momentum. 🌹

Totally agree with the three posters above. But especially with @Happynow001 about not defending DSDs mum to her. You shouldn’t say anything bad but you really shouldn’t be her apologist. I totally get why you do it but I think you do enough and it’s fine to just say nothing bad.

Stay strong. You’ve made some big steps in the right direction in the last couple of weeks and you’re doing so brilliantly.

Thank you all, I never know what to do for the best. I thought trying to explain the situation to DSD would help her to understand why her mum may not be able to have her. She’s not stupid though. I won’t defend her in future, I’ll be more neutral.

We rang CAB. They suggested talking to ex but OH said we’d tried and it’s out of the window. They asked about the usual contact time etc which is pretty set in stone during term time - every weekend. It’s holidays and times like this that are the issue - her mum just abandons her. They said mediation would be preferable to sort it out but from what was said we will probably have a better outcome at court.

They’ve told us to log everything, including when DSD’s mum is late for her contact or dropping her off etc.

DSD was on FaceTime to her mum this morning. I overheard her mum say that she has to come over every Saturday to give me a break! It’s telling that she doesn’t see it as quality time with her DD but more a chore to give me a ‘break’ which is laughable really. Her own child.

Good luck with all of this.
I am glad your DH has taken this step.💐

What I'm taking from this post is that you are super woman, but..you are having the piss taken out of you immensely.
It's obvious you love your DSD and I also totally get that you feel a sense of loyalty to your husband(you did marry him for a reason) and are defending him.
It is ok to still be in love with the man who's being a complete twat.
Your husband is clearly trying to do everything for a better life for his family, as you've already said, but this doesn't mean he can forget about everything else.
He needs to know exactly how you feel and a plan put in place to help everyone and so everyone pulls their weight.
DSD does sound like she's attention seeking so definitely agree with the other poster about setting the shower up for her so there is no excuse, you are parenting her more than anyone so don't be afraid to be firm with her a say "you are 10, you have got to learn to do this by your self"
You have got to get it all out in the open sooner rather than later cause it's only going to get harder with a new baby.
Maybe you should be telling the children you are having a baby and explaining to them that it's making you feel more tired and you need everyone's help? DSD might just need a role to play that's her own, tell her you need her to learn to help with all of these things in the house as she will be the oldest sister and you would really like her to help with the new baby.
I hope this makes sense and you can figure out what's best for you and your family. Xx

After reading your most recent post I'm actually really sad for your DSD and definitely think a court order and supervised visits with her mother would benefit her.
She clearly wants to be with you so sort that situation and then sort with OH about how you are going to make it work TOGETHER!!

The court system has changed now, you have to go through mediation before you can go to court. You don’t need a solicitor your OH can represent himself and save a fortune. Your DSD will be able to make her wishes known and it will be taken into consideration. Keep a diary, so that you’re prepared