Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Does your DH not feel any obligation to do what is best for DSD?

I am really disappointed that he can't see that DSD having a regular routine where you are the primary carer isn't in her best interests after having her 9 weeks straight and her Mum not even making the effort to speak with her.

Does he not care about DSD needs 😢

It goes to court and you state the facts that you had DSD for 11/12 weeks straight and her Mum declined all offers fo have contact with her and didn't stick to regular phone/VC?

At the very least he can stop paying maintenance without guilt and ask for 50:50 you've already done close enough to 50% of an entire year in 2020 I should think.

Can he not see that his ex uses DSD to get money and not a lot else?

I think he does, but he’s worried about how his ex will react and how, in turn, this will affect DSD.

He knows that his ex uses DSD to her advantage. He worries that taking the money away will unleash hell for everyone. She’s excellent at manipulating OH to get what she wants. It’s been a real bone of contention in the 8/9 years we’ve been together. He still feels incredibly guilty about splitting with his ex and his DD coming from a ‘broken home’.

From my POV, she can only make life difficult to a point and for so long. She will never be denied access to DSD.

Which is why it needs to be sorted so hard DSD knows that she lives with you guys and that she has security etc.

I can't believe he doesn't understand how damaging this is to DSD

DSD is going to see her mum tomorrow for a couple of hours! Finally got the message through to her today after letting DSD listen to excuse after excuse as to why she couldn’t on FaceTime, OH rang back afterwards and had a strong word and told her even a few hours after 9-10 weeks of absence is a cop out but would really lift DSD’s spirits. She eventually agreed - as long as we facilitated drop off and pick up.

DSD is over the moon.

Oh god i hope it goes ahead for that poor little girl

I can't believe this woman's attitude to her child.

I know you're trying to do your best, and I'm glad your OH is taking responsibility, but I honestly don't think I'd even encourage it now. If my ex had treated my son like this, even as the NRP, he'd have to take me to before he would ever lay eyes on him again. She's emotionally abusive and is going to screw that kid up no end.

Me too. I have enough faith in her that she will come. It’s unfortunate that she hasn’t done it off her own bat - or spontaneously shown a desire to see and spend time with her own DD.
DSD is really looking forward to it and seems to have bloomed tonight.

@excelledyourself I completely understand your point of view. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best. Her mum has used the excuse that herself and her partner are both back at work and have no means of caring for DSD.

Although I think she will object due to finances I think the Ex may be more engaged as a Disney Mum knowing that she is never expected to have her overnight again.

I really think your DH needs to put the wheels in motion to have DSD live with you. Look into moving schools etc.

It's clear her Mum doesn't have a deep bond with her

A mother has to be pleaded with to see her own child. ☹️

I really hope she doesn’t pull out at the last minute.

No, it’s clear she doesn’t have a great bond with her. It would all be much easier if I could say the same for DSD

She had the gall to say to OH today that she’s worried about the fact that DSD has lost weight - she’s been able to tell from the last few times she’s spoken
to her on FaceTime. DSD has been steadily piling weight on for the last year. She’s 10 and was wearing women’s size 12 clothes. She’s now wearing age 12-13 clothes. We haven’t put her on a diet, put any emphasis on her weight etc, we just aren’t letting her snack continuously on crap, cooking what we usually cook and we’re going for walks everyday.

@RandomMess once again I completely agree and am getting more and more frustrated with him and his attitude. Not many men have supportive partners when it comes to this sort of thing.

She’s currently in year 5 so this would be a fairly decent time to move her to a school in this area as she would have a year making friends before moving up to secondary. He’s getting braver where his ex is concerned but still has a long way to go. He makes excuses saying that her own mother was useless. But that’s not DSD’s fault. He owes it to her, to me and to our other children to make giving DSD a stable, loving home paramount.

Think I would just apply to move schools and get child benefit and let him deal with the shit show when Ex finds out. Basically force his hand.

Could you ring around some family solicitors (try and get a recommendation for a good one) and make DH go with you to discuss.

If it went to court I would hope CAFCASS could see that DSD need the stability of living with you whilst Mum builds a more positive relationship with her.

Another option would be to find a family therapist and take DH to talk it through with them and get their impartial advice on what they think is best for DSD.

Maintenance money would easily cover the costs 🙄

@RandomMess that’s all very interesting, I’ve never, ever been through a process like this before so not entirely sure of what to expect.

I’ve heard of CAFCASS and love the idea of her having the stability of living with us but DSD and her mum having the help and support to build a stronger, healthier relationship. I’m very reluctant to suggest keeping DSD from her mum. I think that just opens up a whole other can of worms for DSD. Obviously, any contact had to be of benefit to DSD and not detrimental.

All it would mean is DSD living with you in order to attend school local to you and her Mum having her for as much as the weekend as she wants?

DSD is not stupid she is hyper aware that her Mum "doesn't want her". It may be easier to have it reframed that she lives with you so her Mum can only see her sometimes at the weekend.

Clearly Mum doesn't actually want to her lots, just the £ that comes with her officially being resident/majority parent. Unfortunately the more you push away your DC the more they cling to you and are "intense" and it sets up a very difficult dynamic.

@RandomMess, yes, I’ve been there myself, my dad pushed me away and I tried harder to make him love me. I was like a kicked puppy. This is reminiscent of that period in my life. I don’t want that for DSD. But it’s happening as a somewhat normal reaction to an uninterested parent.

DD goes to a wonderful little school, DSD is familiar with it as it’s in the village where her grandad lives and she’s been there several times for school events etc.

When she realises that the money is being stopped, all hell will break loose I’m sure.

Phew, she turned up!

What do you mean "turned up"? I thought your OH was doing drop off? Where was contact taking place?

We drove 5 miles away from her house to a meeting place.

With us driving the remaining 60 miles.

Is DSD going to her house? Or are they just having a few hours out?

And why did you all go? Can your DP not even manage that himself? He should have taken all the kids and given you a break.

I think that these ‘loose’ arrangements are the absolute worst for SMs as in my experience it just means when SM turns up suddenly there is a ‘free childminder’ for Mum and Dad.

Totally not on!

Stand up for yourself and say you are not doing it anymore. It’s the only way. Both her father and mother are bullying you. I had the exact same situation - I had one child FT and one PT and suddenly when I stopped work with our child they were both there FT and their Mum started having ‘holidays’ where she would stay in the house for two weeks, during term time, when she was supposed to have both of them mid week. DP was useless and in fact was more angry at me than his Ex.

It’s really bad for you and for the child. I also think it ruined my relationship with my step children.

Also, I eventually said no to one DSD who wanted to have the option of not going to her Mums at all if she didn’t want to. I had a very serious chat with her, she was 16 at the time - as she was taking out all of her anger on me and treating me like a doormat, but her Mum got adoration and praise. Sad but classic rejection behaviour. I said to DSD that I would agree to this but only if we could have a better relationship; which did mean that she had to acknowledge me as an adult figure and we had to negotiate rules between us - and her passive aggressive anger towards me had to end as it was affecting not only me but my other children.

DSD point blank refused and went mental at me - saying that she ‘could stay here full time if she wanted it was her house’ etc etc - and I eventually said NO - it was me and her fathers house - her father was at work long long hours.

And then I realized something - that girl was only going to have another chance at a relationship with her Mum if I forced her hand. And DSD was certainly not going to thrive if she stayed full time, taking it all out on us. So I told DSD that unless we could come to some agreement of how to live harmoniously together, then she had to live at her Mums. She went to her Mums and although they still have a strained relationship, it did force her Mum to step up, and DSD did start to stand up for herself with her Mum and not just make her the adored one and me the scapegoat. They needed to do it.

Op why didn’t she go to her mum’s house? And stay the night?

Why so far away and as @excelledyourself asked, why did you all have to go?

@excelledyourself she asked if we’d meet her at a beach which isn’t far from her house.

I went of my own accord, we thought there was no point in going home when we had DSD to pick up again and OH had some tractor parts to pick up nearby, there’s a big Morrison’s nearby to do a decent food shop and we had a picnic for dinner after picking DSD up. Made a bit of a day of it.

@SummerCherry yes, the loose arrangements are a nightmare. Myself and DSD don’t react well to it at all. I can see why it would be detrimental to your relationship with your stepchildren, the balance is already delicate. Yes! I also find he’s more pissed at me for putting my foot down than his ex although she’s having her cake and eating it. To be fair DSD is fairly respectful of me at the moment but I’m aware all of that could change as time goes on ....

@MeridianB answered a couple of your Q’s above - I don’t know why she didn’t have her for the night, she agreed to have DSD for a couple of hours but wanted up to drop her off and pick her up from her choice of meeting place.