Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

[Mustbearealadultnow]

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

Op - sorry for getting your name wrong! I need glasses 🤓

It seems quite emotionally manipulative and suffocating though - and all about him and his needs and because it is dressed up as love (your point about him saying he loves being with you), you find it difficult to say no. I think you should learn to say no very quickly! And then stick with it, ie don’t let him wheedle around your no with protestations of love.

@KatySun

I do agree with your earlier comment I do feel like he has been wearing me down, as the frequency of these conversations has become much more frequent to the point that I started feeling it is 'expected' that he will move in and I will just have to put up with being crowded because his family accept it so why wouldn't I?

So I am still loosing sleep over this, I think because I just really wnat to have the conversation now and wont see him until the weekend so we can have time alone. it has given me lots of time to think and this is what I think I need to say:

there has been alot of comments and 'jokes' about you moving into my flat but I think we need to have a serious conversation about this, as I have been giving this alot of thought.

Anytime you mention moving in i reply with things like 'there is not enough space' 'where would everyone sleep' 'what if one of your dc's have to move in with you at some point' you seem to have not heard me or my concerns, and you keep talking about moving in.

1. I undertsand you think it is ok for your dc to sleep in my livingroom. (he always says he thinks ahead into the future and plans it out etc in his mind)

do you think that will be ok on a permenant basis? Until all of your dc are 18? (if so that is 12 years).

If not how would the situation change? Would you stay here until you can afford your own place? then move out and leave me and dd? whats the long term plan?

2. now you confirmed its fine for your dc to sleep in the livingroom and your happy with that for their sakes - have you thought about how this would impact my life and my dd's life?

would it improve our lives?

would it cause us stress?

3. how would that impact on mine and dp's relationship? -do you think I would be happy in our relationship knowing everyother weekend i would be completely over crowded? in my own home?

I can honestly say I would not be happy to live like this and I would then dread his dc's coming over (which is no fault of theirs).

4. if you currently lived in a 3 bedroomed property that you could comfortably afford - would you be talking about moving into my 2 bedroomed flat on such a regular basis? (3 bedrooms would be needed for him and his dc's due to their differnt genders).

because you love me and want to live with me, would you find it acceptable to give that up and ask your dc's who normally have plenty of space when they come to visit you to sleep on my livingroom floor on blow up beds?

if he says yes - that is complete and utter rubbish, I will tell him this.

if he says no - then I would ask him why not? he loves me and wants to be with me so why would he not give up all his and his dc's space to be with me?

and explain that is exaclty what he is asking me to do.

I honestly feel like if i say all of this he will just say i will have dc's at my families house.

I do not want to do that and i am also not at a moving in stage.

and in fact, you stay here more then you stay at your families house (where you actully live) and I think that maybe where part of the confusion came from.

we have been together for less than a year and things have progressed to you practically living here already and we have skipped all the romantic side of weekends away etc and lots of fun times out.

This relationship has turned into us being in my home with my dd and me cooking all the time.

I think right now we really need to scale back on how much you stay at my house as i think you being here might have caused us all confusion on weather or not you will move in.

But to be very very clear, there is no way I want you to move into my home, this would not work for me. It would also ruin our relationship and it would end.

If you genuinely want us to move in together in the future then we as adults both need to work towards that and make steps to make that work in a way that is comfortable for us and all of our dcs.

@forrestgreen

it is not always 5 nights in one week then 3 the next, but as much as he can make it like that it is. it is always upto me to say no not tonight, i'm busy, i'm tired etc. he wants to be here all of the time. anytime i'm home he wants to be here if hes not at work or with his dc's.

but he also wants to come to my house with his dc's so we can all spend time together.

@ChristmasFlint

You seem to be the plan...In your case I think it could happen slowly and insidiously and you'll be made to feel like the bad guy. They comes for sleepovers so why not the weekend? Then it becomes can his girl (s) sleep in your DDs bedroom?

I completely agree with this, and also a pp suggested letting him move in but have his dc at his families. I would also look like the bad guy.

@KatySun

because it is dressed up as love (your point about him saying he loves being with you), you find it difficult to say no. I think you should learn to say no very quickly! And then stick with it, ie don’t let him wheedle around your no with protestations of love.

I agree with this, sometimes it stresses me out when i feel he is pushing and pushing to be here, sometimes I let him come over even if i don't feel like it. But sometimes I have just said no. and he does seem to take it well when I say no at times. a couple of times I found him being needy (but those times was the times I felt down and actully needed space) I felt like he wouldn't give it.

I did discuss this with him but he said he understands I sometimes need space and hes cool with it.

I'm not sure if I belive that but I decided next time I feel this way i will just say no and watch how he reacts.

but i don't know why it feels like I basically have to ask for or create space for me. this again brings me back to him not having anything in the world to do aparts from see his dc (one evening every week + EOW) and work.

so if hes always asking to come over then it feels like i have to say yes or no. its never just the case that he is busy.

I think as I said in my massive message above I will tell him at this stage in our relationship we need to scale back the amount of nights he stays over.

I might say:

so while i love spending time with you we need to limit it to maximum 2 nights her week that you stay over so we can also have time for other things.

you can find things you are interested in and it also then means i have more time for the things I need.

regarding this:

*I might say:

so while i love spending time with you we need to limit it to maximum 2 nights her week that you stay over so we can also have time for other things.

you can find things you are interested in and it also then means i have more time for the things I need.*

I'm not trying to sound patronsing, maybe i should actully say just do your own thing or just be at your home.

Either way I don't want to always feel like your expecting to come to my home. so lets agree you stay at mine maxium of 2 nights per week.

i think this way I wont feel like i'm always expected to have him over.

I honestly don't think hes going to like this althought I'm not sure he will outright say it.

so now i'm thinkimg about the come backs he will have, i feel like it is going to be emotionally manliputive.

him - don't you like spending time with me?
me - yes I do but why does that mean we are always in my home all the time and me cooking?
2 nights per week is enough for you to stay over as you don't live here.

also I am going to tell him i am setting this as a maxium and i hope he will respect my boundries, as I have realised he has basically moved in without bringing his belongings and I was not consulted on this. I do not want to be in a situation in a couple of months time where again he is staying every night (apart from when I work evenings and he has dc). So if this does happen it will show me is is not respecting my wishes.

if he pushes me about the moving in and it being unfair etc as he said before I'm going to have to go further into details and say, look i am not responsible for providing a home for you and your dc. I understand you are not in a great financial situation right now and it doesn't feel great that you are staying with family, BUT this is not my doing and it is not MY responsibility to fix these issue.

I am in a relationship with you and of course I will support you as I always do, but you must be responsible for your own life and not look to me to fix it. That is unfair and actully unattractive.

Hi OP, I think it's very valuable that you've gone through this mental process of working out what you feel and why. You don't have to persuade him though - it's not a debate, it's a decision. Be careful about giving him points that he can then refute, because you might then find yourself confused and doubting your decision. You're asserting a boundary, and you don't have to extensively justify why the boundary is located here.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have a key to your place!

All you have to do is tell him, "No, it's too soon and not practical in my home. We can think about living together in the future but we're alright as we are for now".

That is quite reasonable.

@bibliomania

I feel like I need to go through all the things I said above not to justify my decision, but to find out his point of view of my thoughts.

If he cannot understand my points then I think it might nbe the case that our values are too different for this to work out, so I am trying to understand him as well as set my boundries.

@lynda07

no he does not have keys although there have been plenty of 'jokes' from him about getting keys. I have to admit there was even 'jokes' from me going back to him which always said NO.

I do feel like I should have been more firm and clear before now, however thinking about it all i think I was trying to be nice about it and also copying his 'jokey' tone

HI OP, you are being worn down by him and you are too nice. Please, do not explain to him. Just say no, it does not suit me. No more, do not start discussing long term plans - for God's sake, this man is not even 1 year separated from his wife and he wants to move in with you and your DD - he does not have the concept of long term planning.

If, and it is a big if, he can find a place for himself and his DC and support them alone for a few years, then you can move along to get a place together - but always remember, right now you are providing for you and your DD. If you move in with him, long term (ie now and when you die) you will be providing for another 2DC on top of your DD so unless you plan on trebling your income potential, the only people who will lose out are you and your DD.

@annasgirl

I feel like I want to try to understand where he is coming from as it has turned into as massive deal for me and I'm feeling like he is not being considerate towards me, thats why I feel like I want to understand if this is correct or not.

I also feel like going more into detail becuase actully I have said no on many occasions but I'm feeling like he has not heard me. So i feel like if i have an indepth conversarion then I will know I have been cystal clear and there is no room to say he doesn't understand.

So if he then brings it up again then I without a doubt know he does not respect me.

This has more red flags than a Labour convention. This guy has latched onto you because he doesn't want to be alone, he never learned to be content with his own company and someone like this never makes for a good relationship. He's wearing your down, moving in by stealth and his needs are his top priority.

He's selfish. Because a person who is not would have their priority on: a) making enough money to provide a suitable home for their kids themselves, not seeing their new girlfriend as a convenient place to crash b) doing a) with regards to getting rid of debt. Everything else, including their need to have a sexual and romantic relationship would be secondary.

After all, this is how you behaved, because you're a responsible adult. Why do you put up or expect anything less for yourself? Honestly ask yourself why you don't deserve someone who functions at the same adult level you do?

He's not giving this a second thought because 'Got to move in with OP' and you're over here tying yourself in knots trying to justify to him why it's not a good idea.

He is NOT your top priority! Or his feelings! Yourself and your DD are.

It's not a discussion. The 'jokes' need to stop. 'I'm not interested in having a live-in relationship for a long while so really all suggestions of it need to stop' 'I need space in my life so I think 1-2 nights a week at the most is where I need to be in life just now.'

This guy has no respect for your boundaries! So you need to or expect them to be walked all over.

He needs to grow the fuck up and create solutions to his problems not use other people, family, girlfriend, as a crutch.

How unattractive! There's nothing as unsexy as a needy, clingy person who doesn't function as an adult (except a mean person). Yuk.

I didn't make it through your 'conversation me as it was way too long and gives him every opportunity to tell you you're wrong.
'Dp, I've been thinking seriously about you moving in, I've decided that it'll be too hard on me and dd. That we'd need more space all together. I'll work towards buying my flat and you need to work towards buying a flat so you'll have some equity to put towards it'

Tbh I'd leave the conversation about too many overnights for now. Do the big conversation and then just say see you Monday etc.

@datasgingercatspot

I understand your thinking on this but don't you think it could just be that he isn't in a great situation and need to get out of debt first and also his entire family are not high earners when it comes to jobs and so his ambition or expectation is not as high as others!

@forrestgreen

I know there were some very long posts there from me.

I feel like if I don't go through it all I won't understand where he is coming from. This is important so I can work out if we can work out or not.

I also feel like if I don't have the conversation about how often he stays over now it will continue as it has with me feeling like he wants to come everyday then I have to keep saying no

Don't you think it's better just to lay my feelings out in the open? If he doesn't like them or says he understands and then keeps pushing anyway then I know where I stand! There would be no way for this to work

Yes as long as you're strong enough not to be worn down by him because you know he's got an answer for all that.
I honestly wish the best for you and sorry if it's too overwhelming

I think this process has been really valuable for you to think carefully about what you want and why. I agree with others that you can ask for his thoughts but try not to keep justifying yourself as you could come across as defensive or seem to be putting yourself in the wrong.

Good luck OP. I really hope the conversation goes well.

Please come back and update us op once you've met

don't you think it could just be that he isn't in a great situation and need to get out of debt first and also his entire family are not high earners when it comes to jobs and so his ambition or expectation is not as high as others!

By your own admission you said he was 'lonely'. He's not used to being single. He was broken up with his wife for the relationship equivalent of 5 minutes and then hooked up with you and is now at yours several nights a week and making 'jokes' (they're not, they are pressure) to move in with you and your DD. Things have moved really fast here!

His debt, again, very concerning. Bailiffs show up at yours and he's living there you'll need to prove you own what you do with receipts or they'll take it.

And again, you're here analysing this in detail. He's not. He's after moving in with you and that's that. You justify it, he'll have a counterpoint to every excuse you raise. So the best approach is to tell him it's off the table and that you're not ready for a live-in relationship at present.

I understand why you are having the conversation with him in your head but I think it demonstrates really that you expect to find resistance from him to what you are quite reasonably saying. You expect to find resistance because you know really that he has overstepped boundaries and as you say, effectively moved in without his things and is pressuring you (and doing it jokingly does not make it any less of a pressure) to get a key and move in properly. Thus, you know this is a man who is not paying attention to your needs and not listening to you saying no.

You think that if you explain enough, he will understand and respect your wishes. In reality, he is not stupid. One no should be enough, even jokingly. One ‘this is not working for me’ should be enough. The conversation should then move on to how it would work for you, and if he is a decent person, with an apology from him for going too far too quickly.

In truth, I think you might find it hard to come back from the realisations you have had about how pushy and manipulative he has been and is being. You actually should not have to explain all this to him.

Any decent man would want to be debt-free before moving in with a woman & her child. But there's no need for any deep conversation with him on this anyway, you've not even known him for year! Tell him you don't want a live-in relationship. When he asks why, say you're not ready. Bet he asks when you'll be ready. To be honest you shouldn't be inflicting a debt-ridden man with 3 DCs of his own and no stable home, onto your DD anyway; in that, him moving in with you both will negatively impact her emotionally and financially.

Have you thought about the future if 1 of his DCs wants to move in with you permanently at say age 16? I've seen that situation cause havoc, exW throws son/daughter out or s/he doesn't want to be at home, you can't say no to moving into yours as of course, Dad lives there. Total nightmare.

And every one of these guys is 'helpful round the house', the OP's DC's 'love' having him there, but rarely do you hear of them slipping 50 quid into the OP's purse for the bills they run up, or offering to pay the bill for the month. Then it all runs about the same, things change over time, he gets 'short' of money and 'can't' contribute/loses job/etc., the ex throws out one of the kids and they're there all the time, etc.

It's far too soon for him to be parking his feet under your table and the bollocks about how it's 'fine' for them to be on some lilo in the kitchen, well, they are staying with his family which is their family then, not his girlfriend and her child.