Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

[Mustbearealadultnow]

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

But like I said I felt this way then seem to have slotted into exactly what he wants

Exactly. You need to reaffirm your boundaries.

When you have plans and your hobby, is he staying at yours? Does he come over after to stay? I think an easy one would be to not have him stay over on nights you are busy. He shouldn't be coming over just to sleep!

I would find a man who was making no attempt to even provide a home for his children very unattractive.

@techway

He has recently moved into a new job which will be a lower wage for a certain period and then he will get commission so the amount he earns depends on him.

I do not know what he was earning in his last job, I don't like to ask questions like that as I like to keep my income private, I think he thought it was a good wage but I don't think it was because of his money situation. Anyone earning a decent wage surely would have savings in the back and if he suddenly found out about debts an ex ran up he would have money to pay them if necessary.

However he has no savings. I think he just lives differently financially to me.

My hobby has actually turned into work so I'm out for 3 evenings per week so 2 of them I don't have him over atall as they are mid week and I get in late and one is a Friday so if he doesn't have his children he usually comes over after.

Actually there was a Friday he wasn't at work, he knew I would be out in the evening and knew I was home in the day. He asked to come over I said I didn't mind but as you know I will be out for several hours tonight he said he didn't mind, I didn't want to just say no so agreed and he came over stayed in my house for like 3 hours while me and dd were out. I did find this quite annoying.

But when these things happen I seem to learn after how annoying it is and then start putting my foot down.

After this he had another day off one time and said could he come over I just said no and he was fine with it.

So I feel like he wants to be here alot and I have allowed s him to when I should have said no

I did say to him once your here more then your at your families house and you don't have to pay rent here. He said something like I can pay rent if your want. I replied with no it's OK Coz then you will definitely think you can move in
Could you be giving him mix messages? The above sounds like you had a conversation about him moving in. Why would you have such talk if you are clearly not even close to considering it?

I don't think he is a bad guy at all. As you've said, he was used to living with someone and maybe that's what he is comfortable with. He is with you a lot, you talked about him moving in, it's you who seem to be taking a step back.

There is nothing wrong with a man with wanting to move in two years into a relationship, as there is nothing wrong with not wanting to and continuing to just see each other as and when, but you both need to be on the same path and you need to be totally honest with each other. My OH and I discussed moving in together less than 6 months from meeting. In the end, it did take another 6 months to do so for a number of reasons. It's what both wanted and we've now been together for 13 years, married for 10.

The issue seems to be that you don't want to live your place yet but can't accommodate his children, so you are indeed not at that point of considering doing so. You need to talk openly about what steps you need to take to do so and when so that you are both clear where each other stands and can decide whether it suits or not.

This sounds intrusive and demanding, but because it is done in a gentle way, you are not seeing it like that. This man is basically putting his feet under your table by stealth. Five nights a week, access to your home when you are not there and constant comments about moving in? In less than a year?
He has no home of his own, your lives are different in terms of hobbies and social lives and finances, and you don’t seem to be able to say no to him but over time what will happen if you do not say no is that your own life will narrow down, your responsibilities will increase and he will be there demanding your attention, money and resources the whole time. He has basically moved himself in when he doesn’t have his kids anyway by the sounds of it.

OP it's great to hear that you're independent and financially sorted.

In addition to the space thing, his debt would bother me. If he's in so much debt yet doesn't seem to be a big spender, I'd worry there was something else going on (eg gambling). It could be his ex wife overspending, but then again it might not. So that's another good reason not to move in together until you know him a bit better.

Keep your freedom and your space. You have worked hard to make your own home and to be secure and independent. That is worth more than all the treasures in the world.

Totally agree with what KatySun says, I would be extremely wary of this man.

He might be being very nice and gentle about it but he is clearly trying to worm his way into your comfortable home and family. Look at his situation- no home to offer his own children, no hobbies or interests, only one friend, no savings, would rather just sit in your empty flat in his free time than do anything proactive .... he really doesn't sound very attractive at all.

You are being far too accommodating towards him.

@Dontdisturbmenow

As I've been saying there has been lots of talk about him moving in by the way of little comments here and there, I feel like on his part. I have never said I want him to move in, but as he comments on it alot then it's 'jokey conversations' most of which me protesting by saying things like no there is not enough space and even things like the rent comment.

Perhaps I am giving mixed messages as I have not said a clear no, tbh all the little conversations have amounted me feeling like he is working on my bit by bit to move in.

Yes I also feel he's not a bad guy and because he is so used to being with someone and everything was about them and what they wanted to do he has this massive gap and space in his life which he wants to fill with being with me all the time.

@KatySun

Well at times I do see it as demanding and sometimes i feel it is intrusive, like I said more recently I seem to have got used to it and have enjoyed having him around all the time and he is nice to be around.

But yes I do need to have a clear conversation and put some boundries in place.

I feel like with his constant talking about moving in it became almost as if it was going to happen that way in the future like if someone constantly talks about something it becomes normal. But I feel like I have had a wake up call now and need to be straight with him that it will not happen that way and if we do what to live together in the future we both have work to do.

@IceColdCat

I don't think there is a gambling issue or anything, I don't think he earns a massive wage and I think him and his ex were silly with money, but your right I don't know the ins and outs just yet.

I'm sure you're right OP. Just something to be wary of.

Sorry but you actually need to dump this guy.

He's being nice - because he wants in.
He sounds very selfish.

What does your DD think of all this?
I feel sorry for her.

@lorenzostdubios

My dd loves having him around, like I said he is kind to us both and nice to be around.

I think I need to have the conversation with him and then if he does not respect my boundaries once I know I have clearly laid them out then maybe its not going to work out. I feel like right now maybe it's my fault for not being clear on what does or doesn't work for me.

I'm also not sure if I could be blowing this all out of proportion

It is not your fault he has overstepped normal boundaries. You have noticed your own discomfort at this which is what prompted you to post and you are right, you need to have the conversation and see how he reacts. You are not doing anything wrong and you are not blowing it out of proportion.

He is normalising the idea of him being around by being nice and kind about it (but still in a presumptive way) and he is wearing you down on the moving in by normalising it. If he did not have three children, he would be in the door by now, without it being your decision because he has planted the idea in your head and started working towards it. It is only the three children which made you pause and question, whereas hopefully now reading the replies about the whole scenario will give you a chance to act on what you want and do not want from this relationship. Trust your instincts, not what he says. Whether you like it or not, as a single parent, you are in a vulnerable position to be taken advantage of.

From what you've said he's there 16 nights out of 31.
So if you take off your work nights and his child nights how many nights a week or month does he stay by himself?

He is normalising the idea of him being around by being nice and kind about it (but still in a presumptive way) and he is wearing you down on the moving in by normalising it.

Completely agree with Katy about this. If he is genuinely a good guy, he'll hear your concerns, accept them, and drop the subject permanently. If he doesn't, he's not the good guy he appears to be.

I do not know what he was earning in his last job, I don't like to ask questions like that as I like to keep my income private,
@Mustbeanadultnow, privacy around finances is perfectly fine when couples aren't living together. However I personally feel that financial openness is very important if a couple are going to live together, take on a house & blend children - otherwise you don't know what you're getting yourself in to. If he's pushing to move in then I think you have every right to ask him about his finances. I also think it's very unfair that he's at yours so much & pays no rent. When I was with exdp he 'lived' in mine - was here eow & 2/3 nights during the week & he INSISTED on paying me a weekly amount to cover my expenses accrued by him.
On a different note my exh was the poster boy for 'niceness' - but he used it all to excuse a drinking habit, cheating, using joint money to fund his own secret lifestyle - I could go on & on. I am very wary of 'nice' people as they tend to be very passive aggressive & always manage to get THEIR needs met by bamboozling everyone else into thinking they're being the unreasonable ones.
I would be very careful if I were you.

I think up until now you have been wanting him to take the hint that you don't want him to move in, because you are good at taking a hint. Clearly he isn't, so when you give him a reason (eg nowhere for his DC to sleep) he just sees that as a thing to be overcome or dismissed and then it'll be fine. I think you need to point out in a very direct manner that you don't want it. So, literally, when he tells you it'll work because whatever, you have to say "That won't work for me" or "I don't want to live that way". It's not up to you to solve all his little issues, it's up to you to keep yourself and your DD happy and comfortable. I'm not saying to not be kind and helpful to him, but don't sacrifice too much of yourself to it.

You have a few times said that you want something but think it might hurt his feelings (to have him stay over less often for instance). You don't even know for sure that he would be hurt by it and, even if it does hurt his feelings a bit, he's a grown up and can cope with minor disappointments. I wouldn't overthink about the impact on him of every little decision that you make.

Also, I'm like you in that I need a bit of headspace and alone time to process things or just to relax. Don't give that away, you need it. You need it more than he needs whatever it is he's trying to push you into.

Also, don't go with a pp suggestion of letting him move in but continue his dc's contact in his family home. Bit by bit, there will be reasons why they have to come for yours, "Just for this weekend..... And then next weekend, why not? It was fine last time, wasn't it? Why are you being so mean to his dcs? Do you not like them? Why is it suddenly a problem when you agreed the last time?" etc etc.

What I'm saying is that I'm afraid that this guy is eroding your boundaries, bit by bit. No matter how nice he is to you, it's hard to see this as entirely accidental.

I don't want you to do this but if he moved in and went to family gone to see his children how much more would you see him because it sounds like he's nearly moved in by stealth.

My guess is that these are young children and mixed genders. Sleeping in the living room together isn't going to last forever. So what is his plan? You seem to be the plan...In your case I think it could happen slowly and insidiously and you'll be made to feel like the bad guy. They comes for sleepovers so why not the weekend? Then it becomes can his girl (s) sleep in your DDs bedroom? That's a lot of kids to have in a very small space. Then he will want to apply together to move into a bigger property....and then it's done. What happens when as they age the kids don't get on? Your DD will have no where to retreat. This has bad written all over it. He may be "nice" and you may want to excuse his poor parenting with his past but on your own head be it.

@forrestgreen

I'm not moving him in so don't worry about that. But yes you are right, I often feel that every free moment he has he wants to be here in my home, if he knows I'm not at work.

If I was to say that to him I'm sure he would say because he loves being with me.

@bibliomania

I woudnt have him move in and have dcs at his families home. I think if I did that it would look bad on me, his family would think I'm stuck up or something because if they are happy to be overcrowded why can't I be happy with that?

Also I wouldn't want his dcs to feel like I'm happy to have him live here but not to have them stay and they may think I just don't want them around. When in fact i just don't want to be overcrowded.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I agree so far all my protests have been answered by him in a way that he may think has resolved it. It hasn't. I need to be straight now.

So with regards to thinking I might hurt his feelings etc I think because he always asks 'should u come to yours tonight' etc and I don't always want to have to say no. I have had conversations with him before saying he should get some interests or start going to the gym or something because he never has anything to do and I'm always busy. I also like being at home alone.

But I feel like he is literacy just waiting for me, all he does is work and see his dcs. He visits family members when I'm busy and that's all. He has nothing else to do with his time. So I often feel like obliged to see him as its like he's always waiting for me

@Magda72

I completely agree, if couples are going to live together they should know what financial situation they are getting Into.

I think this shows I'm not at that place with him right now so I don't feel like telling him all about my finances or finding out about his.

Also this post wasnt about me thinking him moving in would be right now. Its really about the fact it dawned on me this could never work in my small space, although he seems to wnat this very soon.