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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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jimmyjab · 01/03/2020 13:57

Can only echo what other posters have said. Don't do it! Dh has 3 eow and we have a 4 bed house and it's still a struggle sometimes!

Elieza · 01/03/2020 13:59

When you have that conversation OP you could also soften it by saying that his children may enjoy seeing you now and again as do you, but they will want alone time together with their dad, which is much easier to arrange if you are in different houses. If only my step mother had been that thoughtful and considerate!

NorthernSpirit · 01/03/2020 14:03

@Mustbearealadultnow

My OH has 2 kids - 11 & 14. It was so much easier when they were younger, but now they are older it’s more difficult (they are heavily influenced by their bitter mother).

I earn more than my OH and we pay a proportion of our earning into a join account. The running costs, food shopping, costs of eating out etc etc..... get taken out of the account. His kids can’t even muster a thank you for restaurant meals. I don’t mind paying half for me & my OH but I’ve got to the point where I get resentful paying for the kids. Yes - I know..... I have an OH problem.

Their mum who chooses to work 3 days a week - tells the children ‘NorthernSpirit’ can afford to pay for it. It’s the expectation that pisses me off.

blackcat86 · 01/03/2020 14:12

No previous DC of mine, just teen DSS and our joint toddler. We had been together 5yrs before we married and got pregnant. Ex and DSS seem to believe that my reproduction and housing (DH moved in with me) are a matter of public debate and I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. The latest is that i dont make enough effort (I have a PT job, a business and a toddler) and nor does our toddler (at 18 months). I think its important that your DP gets himself back on his feet financially so he can get his own place. It can be tempting to be a rescuer but it will probably be detrimental to you in the end.

Dontdisturbmenow · 01/03/2020 14:14

It's not just about the kids though. If in 5 years + he hasn't managed to clear joint debts, despite loving with relatives, he is likely not good with money.

If he moves in, would you lose benefits? Would he be on the lease? Many risky aspects to him moving in with you if he is bad with money and the 'it's my ex's fault who ran debt in my name would ring alarm bells to me. It's been heard so many times by men who are just incapable of budgeting or are spending addict.

CrocodileFrock · 01/03/2020 14:15

It doesn't seem fair on your DD either.

I get that it would be convenient for him (which presumably is why he keeps bringing it up) but I'm not seeing many ways in which this arrangement would benefit your DD.

Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 14:22

No, just no. If he moves in and you put him on your tenancy he will have an equal to your rented property. It'd be extremely difficult if you then wanted him to move out and he refused. If he has debts then how will he afford at least a 1/3 of bills? Which would increase when his kids are there. Your gas, electric, council tax, food, water would all massively go up. Your Dd could be made to feel guilty because 'she has her own room, and the other kids dad there full time'. Yes, I'm sure he is very helpful atm, especially when he's mentioning moving in so much 🙄

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/03/2020 14:33

'I think next time it comes up I will have to say I don't want to talk about it anymore as with our current situations it wouldn't work'

This is a good idea as his response will tell you a lot

Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 14:46

Also how much debt does he actually have? It must be pretty high if he still can't afford to rent a 2 bed place himself? It sounds like he's free loading with his family who are also presumably fed up after 5yrs and are pushing him to move out. Even with massive debts he should have managed to clear the bulk of it after 5yrs when presumably paying far less in board? Do you know how much he owes, how much maintenance he pays, and how much he earns?

loststarling · 01/03/2020 18:40

Don't do it. I live with DP, his two boisterous pre teen sons, and our baby in a small two bed flat. So, five people two rooms. It's already very cramped and when DD is a toddler it will be impossible.

Oldest child is nearly a teenager and very private, he has no privacy and hates it.

Aloe6 · 01/03/2020 18:45

Don’t do it. And if you do, then don’t add him to your tenancy.

Lynda07 · 01/03/2020 19:04

Just keep things as they are, it isn't practical on so many levels for him to move in right now. Keep your place just for yourself and your daughter and enjoy having a boyfriend to have good times with.

Jozen · 01/03/2020 19:13

I think next time it comes up I will have to say I don't want to talk about it anymore as with our current situations it wouldn't work

As pp says, his response to this will tell you all you need to know.
Look after you and your DD, it's sounds like you've done sone groundwork getting you and her secure and comfortable. Don't jeopardize that for someone who is essentially bringing nothing to the table but work and inconvenience for you.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2020 19:14

I think often people only realise just how precious their own home is when a whole other family comes to live with them.

I'm with everyone else - don't put him on the tenancy and don't let him live with you. It just wouldn't work. Your lovely home would never be the same again. Besides, I don't think it's fair on your child to do that, either.

ColaFreezePop · 01/03/2020 19:35

I agree with the PP please do not do it

It is unfair for all the children.

Even without a batshit exw stirring the pot, when their individual teenage hormones hit you, your DP, your DD and the other of his children won't have a place to hide.

I grew up in a large family and while I was lucky enough to have large/decent age gaps between myself and my other siblings (full/half/step) all the others apart from one were closer in age to one another. I remember various arguments and fights breaking out as a primary age child between my siblings with them not having places to avoid each other even though my parents houses were bigger than your 2 bedroom flat.

conduitoffortune · 01/03/2020 19:46

I shudder at the thought of this on your behalf! He would make all of his problems and responsibilities YOUR problems and responsibilities if he moved in with you. You would end up cooking, cleaning up after, and paying for, another adult and an extra 3 kids.

And as a side point, why do so many men blame their debts on their exes 'running debts up in my name'. I'm not saying it doesn't ever happen, but a disproportionate amount of men say this. He must be shit with money if he's living with family and is ok with his 3 kids sleeping in the living room every time they spend time with him.

funinthesun19 · 01/03/2020 20:49

No don’t do it. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:02

@NorthernSpirit

Wow it sound like hard work and even my own dd sometimes im like why should I put up with this from you and at the end of the day because I have to and I love her and wouldnt want to be without her.

I guess it's not so easy to feel that way about children that are not yours

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:05

@FraglesRock

When you say beware of him staying nights and eating my food etc as we are together I'm happy for him to stay. And he does eat my food and also brings stuff with him often and always pays when we go out so I honestly don't feel like he's trying to free load. But I can't ask him to pay towards bills etc as he doesn't live here.

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:08

@blackcat86
So up for debate do you mean your husband and his son are both bringing up issues with you? As in they are both jointly against you? Wow

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:12

@Lalala205

I would never put him on the tenancy, mine and dds security and stability is massively important to me and I would never risk that

I'm not sure where the 5 years came from, he hasnt been apart from his ex for 5 years or living with his family that long, it's around a year.

The debt is quite large over 10k

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:14

@Dontdisturbmenow

It hasn't been 5 years it's been less than around a year. Also I would never put him on my tenancy

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:18

@Jozen

I agree I have worked very hard to make our home as it is and to provide a stable life for my dd.

Dp is very lovely so I feel like he just isn't very stable right now as he left his family home, so it's not like he is not bringing anything to the table but yes moving in would mean me sharing what I have built and him not bringing anything like that to the table

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 21:21

@conduitoffortune

Dp does pay his way and he helps sound the house and cooks etc so I don't feel like that would be the case.

I do feel like my space would be gone and I would feel crowded in my own home

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AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2020 21:26

Trust your gut and your sensible head and tell him it’s not going to happen.

@NorthernSpirit on this and several other threads you sound extremely unhappy and I wonder why you stay with him!