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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/03/2020 11:11

OP my ex husband was very much like this, and still is. He pushes and pushes until he gets his way. He does it now to our daughter. He basically only considers his own needs and has no concern for anyone else's. Once you know it's happening it's clear as day but it took me years to see that. I can't stress enough how you should only do what you are comfortable with, and you would clearly not be comfortable with the living situation which he is proposing. If you give in, something like that is very difficult to undo.

For context, my husband (no2) asked me to marry him after we had been together for nearly 5 years. I had to think long and hard about it as it meant us combining our families and all living together (his two sons, and my daughter). But he wasn't proposing to cram us all into my existing house which would have been too small. He sold his house and we used that money to fund an extension to my house to make it big enough for us all to have some space. He didn't do it for convenience or to make his living situation better, as if anything it was difficult to get everything lined up! Neither of us went into this lightly, knowing the impact it would have on our kids.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/03/2020 11:42

To be honest, your comment about moving in with him when he's got you a big house is not great. Why should this be a condition? Surely it is something you'd both contribute towards?

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 11:45

@Annasgirl

I think I will say no to tonight, but he won't be overly pushy and will be like sure I understand but then wants to spend alot of time on the phone to me in the evening.

I had made a post about him not giving me space thing on mum's net months ago under a different name and everyone on there replied saying it sounds like I'm not that into him and he's more Into me. And basically called me selfish because I said he wants to talk on the phone for hours when hes not with me and tells me he misses me after not seeing me for one day etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 11:50

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I think the problem is when they push little by little and gently and I feel like if I said something it could make me look crazy. Although I do still say the things I think

@Dontdisturbmenow

I agree with you, an it actually would be a case of something for us both to work towards but I honestly think I felt backed into a corner so just came out with that comment - trying to be lighthearted and also trying to be like this is on you as much as me so don't think it's all upto me deciding its time to move in as my home is not appropriate.

That's why I need to have a straight conversation to clear things up and let him know something like that would take work on both parts

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Yahboosnubsme · 03/03/2020 11:58

Don't do it, he wants to move in to make his life easier, but it would make your life miserable.

IceColdCat · 03/03/2020 12:07

Yes OP, I agree you need to have a straight direct conversation rather than little comments and jokes etc. Tell him that it just won't work with your current flat and you'll have to work towards another solution in the long term.

His comment "when I say my space is too small his reaction is well they sleep in a livingroom where they are now" makes me angry because he's replying that it wouldn't actually be much of a change for his kids. He's completely failed to acknowledge the fact that it will be a massive change for YOU and your DD!

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 12:37

@IceColdcat

I agree, I am thinking when I do get to speak with him to ask that exact question, as in I know you keep saying they sleep in the long room now, I don't agree that's suitable for them long term - which I doubt your family think it would be long term. but that's your decision. However have you even thought about how this impacts me and my dd? This is our home, with 2 people having always lived here. If your family are here that's triples the number of people in this space going from 2 all the way to 6 this is insane.

I actually feel like saying I think your very inconsiderate to even think this let alone try to push it on me with regular comments.

I spoke to a friend about it and she thinks I should simply point out my place is too small end of discussion and not bring feelings into it.

But if I hold back and don't say what I need to say then I feel I will keep stewing on it. I have been loosing sleep over this from Saturday night

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Annasgirl · 03/03/2020 13:22

OP, I also think it is not good that he moved out from his marital home less than 1 year ago (according to your post) and has lived with family since, and now wants to move straight in with you - he really needs to show that he can make his own way in the world for his DC before you even think of moving in to any home with him. I would not tie myself to a man who could not show he was providing for his existing children.

bibliomania · 03/03/2020 13:26

Of course he's being nice to you now - he's in the business of charming his way in, getting his feet properly under the table. I'd expect the niceness to end fairly abruptly once he's succeeded and you're unhappy with the life you've ended up with.

In your discussion, you have to avoid giving him any points to argue with. The decision is made, it's not appropriate for him to even attempt to talk you round. He's already making you feel unsure of yourself - just make it clear that you won't engage with a further discussion on the subject.

LittleDragonGirl · 03/03/2020 13:34

To me the biggest issue is your refusal to move. Its doable in a bigger house if you have been together long enough to become established, but it would definately be too much in a 2 bed flat.
My 2 dsc staying in our tiny 2 bed Terrance feels claustrophobic nevermind having 4 children in a 2 bedroom.
I think if it's to work you would need a bigger home, as otherwise your DD is going to get resentful at having to share her space, and your DP children really need a room (or 2 if different sexes long term) for it to work otherwise none of you are going to have the space needed.

Could you discuss with your DP maybe if he moves in but has the children at his parents house and use the excuse of keeping their routine and his parents being able to be involved and not losing out on time?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/03/2020 13:40

To me the biggest issue is your refusal to move.

@littledragongirl that is the most un-useful advice I've seen and you clearly haven't read the full thread. a) the OP is not refusing to move, but her partner has not demonstrated any ability or desire to help to fund a bigger place, and b) why the hell should she move in with him if she doesn't want to?!

Also, have him move in and leave his kids with their grandparents? Yep, completely responsible parenting NOT!

IceColdCat · 03/03/2020 14:01

I agree with your friend actually. Better to keep things factual (unless he ignores your comments this time). He maybe doesn't realise he's being inconsiderate, because he thought you were enjoying the jokey chat about moving in together.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 14:03

@bibliomania

I agree I will have to say what I need to say, let him say what he needs to say and then say I don't want it coming up again, and then if it does keep being brought up it's very clear he doesn't respect my choices.

@LittleDragonGirl

I have not said I would never move out, I said it's not an option right now but maybe in the future but it's something I would have to work towards.

Also I don't think it's the correct thing to do to say he can move in but his children cannot stay at my house. It would then appear to everyone like I'm selfish and don't want them around, I assume all of dps family would think why can't they stay at mine in the living room the same way they do at dps families house. I woudnt be happy to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 14:09

@IceColdCat

When you say keep it factual do you mean simply mention the lack of space for his children? Or also advise that it impacts me and dd massively and means we would then be over crowded in my own home.

And what about saying I feel like he's pushing and pushing me bit by bit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 14:11

So I told him I would prefer he didn't come over to mine tonigjt and he replied asking when will I see you next

OP posts:
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 03/03/2020 14:35

Your boyfriend just doesn't get it does he? It is totally irrelevant how he/his children feel about sleeping in your sitting room.

You don't want anyone sleeping in your sitting room. I very much doubt that your DD wants that either. Only your opinion matters because it is your flat. His opinion counts for nothing.

If he had his own place, if he was solvent, would he be as keen to blend families at this stage?

OP, you have been dating for a short time. It appears that the relationship has totally bypassed the fun aspects of dating and moved straight into the "comfortable" stage of staying in and watching TV together.

I know it can be hard to say no, particularly when you don't want to potentially upset someone but he is not listening to you. Because he doesn't want to hear it. He needs to sort himself out and not use you to better his situation.

IceColdCat · 03/03/2020 14:43

Yes, definitely say that it impacts you and dd massively and means you would be over crowded. By keeping it factual I meant maybe don't accuse him of being inconsiderate and pushing you etc. But do say that you've given this a lot of thought and it's your final decision. Then if he mentions it again, remind him that you've discussed this and he knows how you feel so he needs to stop saying it.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 14:45

@didyouever

I do feel like asking him if he had a stable home for him and his children would he be looking to move into my home which is too small? Would he give up alot of space to have us all cramped together? He can't possibly say yes to this so it may help him see my point of view.

I completely agree that it has moved very quickly to the settled stage (which is nice) but it has bypassed the fun romantic start of a relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 14:59

@IceColdCat

Yes I agree I would need to say how it impacts us and not just his children as maybe he didn't think of this and he does need to

OP posts:
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 03/03/2020 15:05

Don't allow him to make his problems your problem. His situation is not of your making and you should not be expected to solve it for him. He's a grown man with responsibilities of his own.

He should be working towards getting his own place and paying his debts off. He appears to see you as a means to sorting out both of these problems for him. You have no responsibility towards him whatsoever. Your priority is your stability and that of your own child. He must sort himself out.

forrestgreen · 03/03/2020 15:42

When can you next see him without dd?
Text
I'll see you xday, I thought we could have a date, do x and have a good chance to talk.

forrestgreen · 03/03/2020 15:44

I've not been in the step role but people on here talk about introducing children up to a year? I don't know if that's excessive or accurate but for him to feel like he could blend families into a not ideal house is him running too fast for me.

Itwontrainallthetime · 03/03/2020 16:17

If he lives with family could you and his family not compromise that the weekend he has his children they stay with him at his family's house, and then he could live with you when he doesn't have his DC.
Then it will save everyone's sanity.
Plus you could just say that your house is too small for all of you. Nothing much will change ,the weekends he has his DC will stay the same as is now.

forrestgreen · 03/03/2020 17:59

Tbh that's a compromise too far. He's not adulted at all, not found a home for his family and if a bloke couldn't show that then why would I want a relationship never mind them living at mine.

Ragwort · 03/03/2020 18:21

He sounds totally needy and I agree with everyone else - he is just trying to charm his way into your home. What decent Dad would want his children to sleep on the sitting room floor in his girl friend's house? He doesn't sound as though he cares for his children at all, as a PP said, he doesn't seem like a responsible adult. And why should your DD's life be compromised by him moving in?

Please, don't do it, and I would scale back letting him stay over so much ...see how he much enjoys dating with you when it means going out and having fun (and spending money), not just staying in, presumably you cooking for him and then having sex Hmm.