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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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LatentPhase · 01/03/2020 12:36

Where does he live currently? Why wouldn’t you find a different property?

Sounds like you like things as they are and that you’re under pressure.

Listen to your gut.

MellowBird85 · 01/03/2020 12:39

And you’ll feel more overwhelmed if this becomes a reality. We have a 4 bed house and I feel claustrophobic when my DH’s 3 kids come over EOW. Six people in a two bed flat? I guarantee you’ll hate it.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:17

Latent - he currently lives with his family and I live in a council flat which I have been doing up by myself for years so I would never be able to leave my flat unless I bought it and rented it out, but that's not something that would be likely to happen anytime soon.

Well if it was just dp to consider to move in I would be happy with that quite soon I think, it's just with 3 extra children for 2 weekends per month that would be alot of pressure. I am used to having only myself and dd at home

OP posts:
Givemeabreak01 · 01/03/2020 13:18

Yes.... it’s a massive change don’t do it!

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:18

Mellow - how many dc do you have?

And was this your home or did you get it together as a couple?

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MostlyHappyMummy · 01/03/2020 13:20

Don't even consider it
And don't give up a secure tenancy to get a larger place together
Relationships don't have to involve living together especially when kids that aren't shared, are involved

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:20

Also dp currently has alot of debt which he is paying off which he said his ex ran up in his name, so he is not in a great financial position either.

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blackcat86 · 01/03/2020 13:21

Since me and DH lived together there have been a lot more issues with his ex and DSS. Me being pressured by contribute financially or just feeling taken for granted, lack of respect from DSS, mess (over and above what I would expect) etc. Now we have a toddler its even worse. DSS technically has more space here as he has his own room which he didnt before but it feels like he's more resentful of me being around to. A lot of these are DH issues that are worse because we are all under one roof.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:21

Mostlyhappy - no I would never give up my flat, the only way I would leave is if I bought it first which I'm not really in a position to do right now.

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lunar1 · 01/03/2020 13:24

No way would he be moving in, especially with debts. You only have his word that they aren't his!

Where on earth would his children sleep? Does he have them longer in the holidays? And what on earth would happen if access needed to be increased?

Arhjl · 01/03/2020 13:25

I'm not surprised he's keen to move in with you. He'd have it made. He's currently living with family and up to his eyeballs in debt.

What's in this for you exactly? A cocklodger by the sounds of it and his hoard of children.

Would he pull his weight with housework and childcare or would it be left to you?

Living together is overrated imo. Especially when you'll be significantly getting the raw end of the deal.

Lllot5 · 01/03/2020 13:25

No don’t t let him move in.
Too crowded, where will everyone sleep first of all, second he has debts he needs to pay off, good excuse blaming his ex btw, thirdly Your dd might like them visiting but not permanently.

Arhjl · 01/03/2020 13:26

And don't get pregnant by him!

Northernsoullover · 01/03/2020 13:28

I live independently from my partner. We've been together for 5years and we decided that it wouldn't be fair to blend families so we are staying as we are. As it happened I was the one with debt (now cleared) but it would have been the wrong thing to do. We still holiday together and are as serious as you can be. Just in different houses.

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 13:30

3 children and a chunk of debt! No way! He can stay where he is for now!

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:35

Blackcat - do. You also have dcs from a previous relationship? Or just your one toddler together?

I can also imagine more issues from his ex too

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NorthernSpirit · 01/03/2020 13:36

Don’t do it.

My OH moved into my beautiful 2 bed cottage for 18 months and then we bought something together.

He has his children EOW & half the holidays.

I feel like a stranger in my own home when the kids are here.

Since we moved in together his EW (whose batshit bar was high anyway) has gone to death con ten and the bitterness and difficulty from her has increased. The EW & older DSD call me ‘her’.

The kids went from being well mannered and behaved to difficult.

I’m expected to contribute financially.

I’m taken for granted - you’re expected to parent someone else’s kids and get no thanks for it. It’s the sense of entitlement from the kids that frustrates me the most.

The house is constantly a mess as the kids (14 & 11) can’t even flush a toilet, let alone clean up after themselves.

I’m happiest when they are here upstairs on my own or out with friends.

At least with your own kids you get something back. You’ll get nothing back from them.

Would I do it again? No.

Pipandmum · 01/03/2020 13:38

Yes it's likely they will be there for much longer over the holidays.
I did marry a man who had two children and one moved in with us (a teen) almost immediately and the second did after the first moved out. We had two kids of our own when he was there. It worked out fine for us as my husband was the breadwinner and as his kids were a bit older I wasn't really a mother figure, plus we had a big house!
But i have a friend who owns her own house and her partner moved in. She had a primary school aged child he had an adult son. The son moved in. Then his girlfriend stayed 50% of the tme. One bathroom between the lot and my friend felt overwhelmed. She never knew if she was cooking dinner for three or five. Her partner paid some bills but not the son - it became a nightmare. She now has a new partner. Both own their own homes and both now have teen kids. I told her she has the best of both worlds. Why go from being a lover to a mother?
Your partner is in debt, has no home if his own and has three kids. You have your own home and one. Only consider moving in together of he is debt free and has a big enough place to house his kids.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:39

Lunar - all the things you said are exactly my concerns.

With regards to sleeping they currently sleep in the living room at his family members home so he said that would be fine, I don't feel like it's fine for them or for me tbh.

With regards to access I creasing I also think about that and even 2 weekends a month is alot let alone increasing it.

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Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:42

Arjhl - he is very useful around the house and very helpful so I really don't think this would be the case.

But I agree about him being in debt not being great.

I have always been a single mum and I have managed to get myself to a point now where I am stable and comfortable money wise - I'm not loaded atall but I'm above zero and not in debt and it isnt great that he's not even at zeroif if it is the exes fault. I think they were both bad with money and with two of them working should have been better off then me

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AnneElliott · 01/03/2020 13:43

Don't do it op. Why can't you continue the relationship with you living separately?

I find it hard having 6 people in my 5 bed house (we often have friends to stay - normally there's 3 of us) so no way would I do it in a 2 bed flat!

roarfeckingroar · 01/03/2020 13:45

Don't do it. Debts and 3 kids. Nightmare.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:45

Northern - who expects you to Contribute financially? Your dp or his ex?

It sounds like a nightmare. Did you have dcs before?

Has many dcs does your dp have? Just 2?

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FraglesRock · 01/03/2020 13:47

He's probably really enjoying the thought of moving in with you, probably saving on bills etc and to him his kids would be the same wherever he lives but it'll make a massive difference to you.
Don't move somewhere with him until he's proved he can adult, have a flat and pay bills etc.

And beware of him cocklodging, staying overnights using water and electric, washing clothes, using your food.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 13:49

Anne - we can continue the relationship living seperatly. Tbh he talks about moving in quite abit and we have discussed it but I have said because of his kids I'm not sure that would work. And if it was just him I would like him to move in soon I think. But it's not just him and that is the reality.

I think next time it comes up I will have to say I don't want to talk about it anymore as with our current situations it wouldn't work

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