Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

[Mustbearealadultnow]

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

Op you wrote I completely agree that it has moved very quickly to the settled stage (which is nice) but it has bypassed the fun romantic start of a relationship

When it should read I completely agree that it has moved very quickly to the dont-make-any-effort stage (which is easy), but it has bypassed the fun romantic making an effort start of a relationship

Why is continuing a relationship without living together not an option?
Also, how frequently does he stay at yours? Does he make any financial contribution towards that?

How old are all the children involved? He honestly doesn't seem like he's a great dad if he can't see that his children sleeping in a living room is a good arrangement for them! He needs to house his kids!

@Ragwort

I feel he is abit needy however he was in a long term relationship with one person for many years so I feel like it may be because he is used to always being with someone and not because he is a mean person.

With regards to his dcs I think he loves them alot and he is a good dad, he never ever messes around with contact and is always on time for them, always willing to have them more and always pays for them.

I think the thing about letting them sleep in a livingroom, I don't agree with this however I think it's not due to him not caring it may be due to his background as none of his family have any money or no security, I think it's just how he was brought up. So perhaps they think it's OK to manage with family members sleeping in cramped conditions.

@CalleighDoodle

So we havnt done alot of going out, however sometimes it's very difficult for me to get childcare (certain months of the year) not right now.

But when we go out it is usually somewhere nice and he does put thought into it.

I don't feel like he just wants to take take take from me, I do feel like he wants to move in as it's convenient for him and also he may think it woukd be a nice cheap rent and my home is comfortable and he likes being with me.

@MostlyHappyMummy

For me not living together is not an issue, he is the one that keeps pushing it. I'm thinking in the longterm then we might want to live together. I think the panick just came to me recently when certain things were said.

So he stays at mine usually 5 nigths one week then 3 the next (dependant on when he has his children).

He doesn't make a financial contribution as such. If we go out for dinner he pays. he would regulary pick some food up on the way to mine and pays for take aways.

What sort of financial contribution would you expect would be reasonable for him to pay?

My DP stays less often than yours and he contributes a couple of hundred ££ to help with costs while he's here. He's on a very good income so it isn't a lot to him, but makes my life easier.

But he has his DCs to stay at his own house and we won't be moving in together any time soon.

I wouldn't let him give up his own place until you can get somewhere suitable for his DC to stay. I'd imagine the days when its just you and DD feel very peaceful - To add 3 more people into the mix on a regular basis is madness! Sounds like a cost saving exercise for him. He needs to realise that it isn't sensible for any of you, least of all his DCs who will have to share him with you and DD in a small space without a room of their own whenever they see him.

I actually feel like saying I think your very inconsiderate to even think this let alone try to push it on me with regular comments.

I spoke to a friend about it and she thinks I should simply point out my place is too small end of discussion and not bring feelings into it.

This is all bang on. You can phrase it in as diplomatic a way as you choose, but he needs to realise its a stupid idea. And if he's staying with you that often he needs to contribute a bit anyway, not just if he moves in permanently.

So he doesn't have a home/room for them on his own either? That's not really good enough is it. Poor kids. They need their own space, especially as they grow up.

He sounds like a decent dad and partner, just has a different vision of the future than you. I'd maybe try and phrase it that you'll plan to move into somewhere bigger at some point and work from there. He needs to be providing a home for his DCs, not just shoe-horning them into yours.

I think I echo what everyone else said. I have done this. DP has 3 kids and did not have a lot of money but had been working 2 jobs and living with parents to build a deposit as fast as possible. He moved into mine but was temporary and it did change the moods on weekends from calm and relaxed to super intense. We have now bought a bigger home together, with a written legal doc that he insisted on that outlines my larger proportion. He actively helps with school runs and shopping etc for my DC. All this and I still feel resentful at times as my domestic load has increased massively even with contact EOW. I love him dearly and I love the DC but it is A LOT and I would move much more slowly if I had my time again (which is what wise MNetters would have said but we were in lurvvve!).

5 nights a week, at less than a year?!

He sounds absolutely suffocating. I would not be having that in my child's home.

5 nights a week

Ffs op. This is far too soon for that for the sake of your daughter. 8 days out of 14. Thats more than half the time and he doesn't pay towards his keep.

Boundaries are needed here. For your child.

Send him home. See him when your daughter is with her father. If he has to live at his actual home, he might do something about providing a home for his children.

@RUSU92

He is not on a high income, I wouldnt feel comfortable to ask him to contribute financially to my bills or anything as I really do feel like then he would feel even more like he wants to move in.

I did say to him once your here more then your at your families house and you don't have to pay rent here. He said something like I can pay rent if your want. I replied with no it's OK Coz then you will definitely think you can move in.

With regards to this:
I actually feel like saying I think your very inconsiderate to even think this let alone try to push it on me with regular comments

Do you think this is still factual though? Or is that bringing my feelings into it too much and sounding accusing?

@HappyHedgehog247

This all makes sense and I can imagine adding 4 extra people into my home being crazily intense

I think it depends a bit on how he says it and how the rest of your relationship is.

If you want to keep it drama free then just concentrate on the practicalities or use the old MN phrase "that doesn't work for me" ?

I think if you throw the 'inconsiderate' thing at him he'll just get defensive and your message won't hit home. I'd just keep it along the lines of it not being practical and that you'll be happy to do it once you can both afford a bigger place together. But if he persists then you might need to be more forceful about the fact that this isn't something he gets to decide, it impacts you and your DD (and his DCs too) so you won't be railroaded into it.

@CalleighDoodle

It is not always 5 nights then 3 nights but it has been like that alot very recently.

Do you think normally guys contribute as in actually give money if they stay alot? I did think it's maybe not fair that he stays more here than where he technically lives and pays rent there but I also think if he paid me money towards my bills he woukd what to move in even more.

I'm abit funny about money and never ask anyone for money. I am very Independant but if it comes to a stage where I feel I'm being taken advantage of then I will completely withdraw.

As I said he does pay for meals, takeaways and soemtimes bits of food.

My dd hasn't seen her dad for many years so I never have a weekend or a night without her unless I plan to go out and then ask friends or family if she can stay over.

@RUSU92

When I have thoughts in my mind I am very honest and I do feel the need to express them completely or else I won't be able to move on fully knowing I have been holding back. So I do feel like saying have you considered how this affects me and my dd? I don't feel you have considered me in this atall. That is inconsiderate.

Doesn't sound too bad regarding his contributions towards food, although if you're doing his washing and most of the cooking then that does seem unfair.
But the number of nights he stays over is crazy. Seems unfair in your daughter to have somebody else in the house so often.
Wouldn't 1-2 nights per week seem like a better balance? I'm sure he wouldn't like it, and no doubt having the conversation and getting him to stick to that will probably be horrible too but it may be worth aiming for.
But, it's your life and only you know what you're willing to put up with.

@MostlyHappyMummy

I do nearly all the cooking, he takes his washing home.

My dd actually really likes him being around, he is nice to be around and doesn't come across as intrusive or overbearing and is helpful around my house. If I asked him to do anything to help out in my house he would.

I feel like if I said to him now to only stay 1-2 nights per week then he might feel like we are back tracking.

At one point I was feeling stressed out by the fact he always wanted to be here and I wanted space but I'm not sure how it happened but then the amount of nights he stayed increased after me getting stressed about it and I then became comfortable and not stressed about it.

I feel like if I said to him now to only stay 1-2 nights per week then he might feel like we are back tracking.

You are prioritising his feelings far too much. And it's not done you any favours so far.

As for your DD liking having him around. She'd probably rather regularly have her mum to herself.

There's a balance to be had.

Did you answer how old the kids are? It's a fairly relevant point.

At one point I was feeling stressed out by the fact he always wanted to be here and I wanted space but I'm not sure how it happened but then the amount of nights he stayed increased after me getting stressed about it and I then became comfortable and not stressed about it.

He doesnt care about what you want at all, does he?!

@readitandwept

When dp is not her my dd always asks when he is coming snd she does like having him around, as I said he is nice to be around.

But yes I do also feel we need time alone as that's what we are use to.

@ChristmasFlint

I didn't answer the question about the ages as I really don't want to expose myself incase anyone I know is on here.

Though I'm not sure thats relevant now as I have quite firmly decided him moving in is not going to work for me.

Don't answer the questions you don't wish to.

I'm pleased you are prioritising yourself and your child!

Nothing about him moving in would be good for either you or her!

@CalleighDoodle

Right now I'm starting to feel like that is true.

I don't think he is setting out to be mean or anything like that. He goes about everything in a gentle way, but I feel like he has come out of a long term relationship where they both never left each others sides they both didn't have seperate things going on.

I on the other hand have a busy life with friends and family etc.

I actually at one point was Completly freaking out about him not having any hobbies or interests or friends really.

He goes to visit family members and like one friend and thats it.

I have a hobby I love, I exercise and I have people to see.

I think maybe he just need dto male a life by himself which I can be included in but it's not based fully on me for entertainment - this makes me feel under pressure and obliged.

But like I said I felt this way then seem to have slotted into exactly what he wants

as none of his family have any money or no security, I think it's just how he was brought up

You can't teach someone something that they should have learned in childhood. What strikes me is his lack of empathy towards you, your dd and his children. You are having to push him to understand what every single person on this thread sees..it is unworkable for him to move in, yet you are doubting yourself.

Also it's highly likely that he ran up the debt, he is a low earner, 3 children so it is very plausible that the debt was jointly accrued. If he is solely blaming the ex then that suggests something about his character and willingness to accept responsibility.

Rather than debate moving in, just keep asking him what his long term plan is to get his own place. From what you know about his income will he be able to afford monthly rent in your area? If not then you know his motives towards you might not be innocent.

It is very common for separated men to seek a home to move into, it happened to a friend of mine..and then she struggled to get him to move out.