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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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SandyY2K · 04/03/2020 21:13

No doubt he would rather say he lives with his GF, than with his parents. To add to that he has no plan, without you or some other woman of living independently, away from mum and dad.

He replied and said well that's not fair then I will never be moving in as that'd alot for me to do.
^ You are his way out of living with his parents.

He prefers your home...he wants to be there, even when you're not in.

I wonder how long things will last when he knows moving in is not an option and you cut back to him staying over on 5 nights a week.

I'd feel suffocated in this situation.

datasgingercatspot · 04/03/2020 21:20

He replied and said well that's not fair then I will never be moving in as that'd alot for me to do.

Fucking hell! You are under no obligation to have your home imposed on because life isn't fair to him. FFS. A lot for him to do? He owes 10 grand. Tough. Life's not fair.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 04/03/2020 21:27

@forrestgreen

Yes I feel now its straight in my mind I won't be sawyed.

@IceColdCat

Yes I see what your saying, I don't feel like I'm in the wrong I just want to be clear on where I am coming from. And I'm hoping to also be clearer on where he is coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 04/03/2020 21:34

@datasgingercatspot

It's fine if he tries to combat and justify things, now I feel clear that won't make any difference to me. Im not doing this to be mean I'm being honest with him, this you make me very unhappy and ruin our relationship and we would not last very long atall in this situation.

@KatySun

I agree I should not have to explain all of this to him, I think the explaining and then seeing how he deals with it once I have been completely honest with him is for me and not for him.

I do like being with him and I'm not happy with these things so I think to be fair to me I need to state what I need and what won't work for me, if he is not listening then it cannot work.

@DeeCeeCherry

I have thought about what if one of his dcs need to move in, I know that is a big possibility, he is the dad and of course if they need to move in it's his responsibility so that is why being at my house wouldn't work.

OP posts:
KatySun · 04/03/2020 21:35

Yes, I agree with what you say. Good luck with the conversation.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 04/03/2020 21:39

@SandyY2K

The comment you highlighted above of mine is exactly what has sparked all of this for me in such a big way - this was the relasition.

If it doesn't last once he knwod he's not moving in tjsyd fine by me, I cannot turn my family home upside down. I'm very solid on that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 04/03/2020 21:41

@datasgingercatspot

Well that was in response to me 'jokingly' saying back to something he said that he needs to buy is a 4 bedroomed house.

Obviously I'm not expecting him to run out and buy a 4 bedroomed house, it was a silly comment I made as I was feeling under presser

OP posts:
Techway · 04/03/2020 22:36

Imagine if the situation was reversed, would you be trying to move in with him and his DC? I really doubt any woman would, their focus would be on getting a property so they could house their children comfortably.

He doesn't have his children often so he has the opportunity to earn money and build a firm foundation.

Be wary of the Mr Nice guy, like others, I had one of these..they often change when they get established.

WhiteBadger · 05/03/2020 11:19

You don't need to understand where he's coming from. You are overthinking.

He simply wants somewhere to live and you're the solution. It's easier to move in with you than try and sort his life out on his own.

That's it! Nothing more!

You know you'd be mad to have him move him, for the million reasons you and PPs have mentioned.

I don't even think you need a long deep conversation about it. You're not ready for him to move in, and there's not enough space. You don't need to go into anymore detail than that.

If he doesn't accept it, well you know then what he really thinks of your relationship.

As I said earlier "No man falls in love quicker, than a man who needs a place to stay".

He sounds like a manchild and potential cocklodger.

Qwertygert · 05/03/2020 12:14

My DH moved in with me. I have a 3 bed house. He has 2 kids (only getting access to DSS the last 6 months) i toy with the idea of a 4 bed but the cost is too much and I own this. The step children are having to share a room as they are here a max of 2 nights, my DD is here 3/4 nights so has the largest room but it can be a nightmare with 3 kids especially as mine is the oldest and moodiest. I deffo enjoy the time I get alone! x

datasgingercatspot · 06/03/2020 17:48

Have you told him NO yet or is he moving on in?

monkeymonkey2010 · 07/03/2020 18:35

so now i'm thinking about the come backs he will have, i feel like it is going to be emotionally manipulative

Look...personally, i think you'd be better off moving on from him.

He might come across as 'gentle' in some ways but i think he's actually rather sneaky, manipulative and underhand.
He's also very selfish.

He is choosing not to take responsibility for housing his kids - and he doesn't give a shit about their discomfort.
Housing kids comes before paying off all the debt.....you CAN do both as plenty of people do.
He just doesn't WANT the responsibility.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable and insecure those kids feel couchsurfing? No privacy, nowhere to store their clothes or feel like it's 'their' space?

Yea, i bet his ex moved on long before he moved out.....she was probably fed up with his manipulative schemes and played hardball to FORCE him out.

He's moving in by stealth...and then uses passive aggressive manipulative means to make you question and doubt yourself.

How about you tell him to prioritize housing himself and his kids?
Just because he's not used to being 'on his own' doesn't mean he can't LEARN.

Your DD has never had a 'father figure' in her life so naturally she is 'taken' with him.....however, his type of role model is not healthy.

Don't tolerate breadcrumbs OP.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 08/03/2020 13:04

How did the conversation go?
I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned yet that if you move together while he has a big debt and he defaults, you will have the bailifs knocking around your door and they are not the sort of people you can say the shoes by the door are his but the television is not. Sharing a home with someone in debt also affects your credit record by association.

It can also affect other stuff like you will loose the council tax single occupant discount and any tax credits/benefits you may be having now.

To be honest, I don’t see much problem in having him around so much if you are enjoying his company, but he shouldn’t move in until he is financially in a good place and is showing he is responsible enough to provide for his kids.

You may be in the best situation you can hope for having a child of your own, if you continue living separately you have a good amount of one-2-one time with your DD while he is away having some very healthy one-2-ones with his children.

... in fact, I would probably change tack and tell him that, that contact time is for him to strengthen the bond he has with his children but that you also need that separate time to catch up with DD.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 08/03/2020 13:11

@Northernsoullover, what kind of leaving apart arrangement do you have? I’m looking at the possibility of never blending families for the sake of both families. We both have houses and kids, I’m concerned him moving in may reduce the amount of student loans my teen can aspire to, while I am also worried about the high likelihood of feeling uncomfortable in my own home every other weekend. I love kids, these wouldn’t be my first pair of SKs but they are the most rude entitled kids I ever met as boyfriend let’s them get away with murderand as they treat me and my house as if we were covered with shit, I really want to spend as much time with them as they do with me. (and no, I am not the OW, I’m in good terms with their mum, thank you)

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 08/03/2020 22:45

so we had the conversation today and I said all the jokes etc have gone too far, I have had a good think about it and I'm not ready to move in right now, but if we were to move in together in the future it would have to be somewhere else which we would both have to work towards. we both agreed all the jokes will stop.

He said all the moving in stuff was a joke and he knows it wouldn't work and he also is not ready now.

I also said about sitting in all the time and always being in my house, and he never says should we meet up or go out or anything. He said he agrees we have got into a bit of a routine of always being at mine and he thinks its abit boring.

I also said he is staying too much and I think 1-2 nights per week is enough, he said he doesn't like how i'm putting a rule in there like that and if i didn't want him over i should just say.

I explaned that he asks all the time and I don't want to always have to say no, so we agreed from now on I will ask him and he wont ask.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 08/03/2020 23:04

Brilliant result all round. Do you feel better now

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 08/03/2020 23:15

Good that you have cleared it with him. It was too much too soon.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 08/03/2020 23:24

I do feel better now but I'm not sure he's been completely honest, but I have been very honest and he knows where I stand and where he does.

So now it's just seeing where we go from here and how it goes.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/03/2020 08:22

Do you think he's paying you lip service to keep you sweet?

bibliomania · 09/03/2020 09:19

Well done on stating your boundaries. Time will tell if he respects them. I hope he will, and I hope this will work out for you. But do keep an eye on those boundaries to make sure they don't get subtly eroded.

forrestgreen · 09/03/2020 09:37

Your eyes will see more so if he's not been honest you will definitely see it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 09/03/2020 14:35

so we agreed from now on I will ask him and he wont ask

Great! So now it's all on you again to 'manage' the boundaries of your relationship.
Is he seriously so deficient in brain cells that he can't figure out for himself to arrange staying over only a couple of nights a week?

So you're now going to ask him every time you want him to stay over?
How long do you think it will be before you get sick of asking and just wish HE would initiate common sense?
Why can't HE choose one day and you the other?

he said he doesn't like how i'm putting a rule in there like that and if i didn't want him over i should just say
Classic emotional blackmail response to you setting boundaries.

He's used to - and WANTS - to live in your pocket and at your expense.
He's paying you lip service - through gritted teeth.
He knows perfectly well how sly and manipulative he's been - he's just pissed off that you didn't buckle and allow him to walk all over you.

He WILL try again...watch it all slowly start to creep back in.

The guy plays batshit, immature, abusive games with you- your choice being to 'give-in' or take on all the mental load yourself.
You've chosen to take on the mental load.

He's just going to bide his time at his parents house until he manages to convince you that you've been together long enough now to move in "just like you said ages ago..."

forrestgreen · 09/03/2020 14:40

Op has said they shouldn't move in and that their future would lie in a joint house.

MauriceandAlec · 09/03/2020 14:40

I think he's still playing you. You need to make sure he doesn't slide back into habit.

KatySun · 09/03/2020 15:36

Do you mean that from now on you will have to say when you want him over? every time? Would it not be better to agree provisionally in which days work for you and which for him so that you have a pattern which you can review? He is putting it all on you so he can blame you later on for whatever further changes are necessary or he wants to complain about.

It is a bit immature- like he is chucking his toys out of the pram and making you pick them up because he cannot have what he wants.

And surely he is not saying that all the time you have been hosting him has been boring... cheeky sod. Not so boring he came up with an alternative.

Sorry, not convinced by this but I do think you have done well to notice the erosion of your boundaries and be clear about what needs to change. As other posters say, I also think you will notice how much it does or not.