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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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forrestgreen · 02/03/2020 14:24

You need to think about how to say it so he doesn't rebuff your concerns.

So
You've mentioned us living together a few times and I've given it a lot of thought this weekend and come to a conclusion. I don't want to live together whilst this flat is the location, it's too small and I'd regret it. So I need to work towards buying the flat and you need to be debt free. So we'll talk about it again when we've met our goals.

Bibidy · 02/03/2020 14:33

My DP lives with me in my flat, and he has two kids. When they stay with us, they stay in our bedroom and we stay on a blow-up in the living room.

BUT it's not EOW. DP has them EOW, but he mainly has them at his mum's since there's more space.

I think tbh unless you're willing to move to a bigger place with him then there's not really a way to make this work. You may just have to be brutally honest with him and tell him that you don't think the weekends with all three kids would work. It would be mega stressful in such a small space.

Bibidy · 02/03/2020 14:35

I do think though, OP, that if you genuinely don't think you'd ever want to leave your flat or have your DP living with you, you need to be honest with him about this sooner rather than later.

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2020 14:58

His ex moved a new partner in after what, a few months, weeks? Why can't your boyfriend get his own housing suitable for his kids? Seems like no-ones putting them first.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 15:16

@forrestgreen

What do you mean rebuff? As in I explain why it doesn't work and he tries to persuade me otherwise?

@Bibidy

Are you happy with the set up of you sleeping on the blow up bed? Tbh I don't think I would be too happy with that.
It's not a case that I would never leave my flat, I would try to work towards buying it and letting it out of we were going to move in together.

@pinkyredrose

His ex moved someone in after a few months, however my dp said she was in that relationship even before he left their home so I guess she felt it was OK and she must have felt she knew the new partner long enough

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/03/2020 15:43

I think @forrestgreen is trying to help you to close down the conversation and stop your other half going on at you all the time.

forrestgreen · 02/03/2020 16:23

Yep
Him. I want to move in
You. No because the kids won't have a room
Him. It's ok as they don't know.

Leaves you constantly trying to explain yourself. Sorry not feeling great. Hope I make sense

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2020 16:44

His ex moved someone in after a few months, however my dp said she was in that relationship even before he left their home did the kids know that?

WhiteBadger · 02/03/2020 16:51

What the hell is it to do with the OP whether her BF's ex moved someone in too soon or who's thinking of the children!

They are not her children

She's quite rightly thinking of her daughter and making sensible suggestions based on her comfort and future. She's said a million times that she doesn't want to move out of her flat unless she's bought it. Blimey people read the thread.

This seems to be a sensible, well adjusted poster, don't start lining up to give her a kicking!! Fuck sake!!

Anyway OP, just ignore the posters who ask stupid questions, don't bother going over what you've explained. As regards the family member who says the more merrier. Well they can stay with them then! Prat!

You seem to be doing amazing.

readitandwept · 02/03/2020 17:06

Nobody's having a go at her as far as I can see @WhiteBadger

People are making the point that he should be putting the kids first and maybe he needs it pointed out that the kids have been though enough already.

He's a twat, not OP.

CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2020 17:42

op, ignore everything else. Focus on this.

He suggested something. You very reasonably said no because it doesn't work for you. Or literally anyone. He wont accept no for an answer. This is not a good.

What is he actually saying about himself and about you? Your opinion doesn't matter as much as his.

Have there been any other times he has wanted something / to do something, that you have said no to? And how did he react?

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 20:06

@forrestgreen

Yes thats why I thought you meant, I agree I just need to be very very clear and see what happens after

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 20:25

@CalleighDoodle

Well the only other thing I can think of which stood out to me massively, so generally I am very upbeat and positive but if something gets to me and makes me feel down I need some time alone to get over stuff.

The whole time we have been together I have felt like this twice and I honestly felt on both occasions he would not give me space.

It's not like I just disappeared or anything I told him what the problems were and how I was feeling, although I didn't say at the time like I just need space. But I felt like each time he became needy and we did speak about it after the last time and I told him I felt like he didn't give me space.

He reassured me that he understands if I need space etc. I don't feel like that is correct but I did think it's fine for now, if I feel like this again I will clearly say I need space and if he doesn't give it then that would be an issue

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2020 21:01

Try saying no to something else soon. Just, no that doesnt work for me.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 22:13

@CalleighDoodle

To something like what? Like him coming over or something?

How do you think he is going to react? He soften seems agreeable but maybe quietly pushy and not outright demanding

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 02/03/2020 22:16

Anything where you'd normally give in for peace. Say no and se what happens. Does he respect your opinion

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 22:28

@forrestgreen

I don't really feel like I normally give in for peace. I know the moving in thing I'm not happy with but generally I do feel like he is a nice person and is thoughtful etc.

I think mainly the issues are that he is more needy than me as in wants all of my time and obviously wants to move in.

More recently we have been spending way more time together so I guess he's happier in that sense and I have also enjoyed it. So I don't feel like I just go alone with much really apart from these types of things

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2020 22:39

Quietly pushy is not respecting you or your boundaries.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 22:54

@CalleighDoodle

I agree it is not respecting boundaries, but it is harder to notice than someone outright doing things.

It's just hard to know isnt it, like he does come across as lovely to me and never seems real demanding but I guess sometimes I do feel under pressure with him.

But I guess when things are done little by little it's harder to pin point them and not so easy to name them really

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/03/2020 23:16

I have told dp I don't think it's fair for his children to sleep in the livingroom, his response was they do at his families home.
So for the rest of his life, he has no plans for suitable accommodation when he has his children visit.

He isn't thinking about their comfort, or that of other members of the house.

What about when you want to stay up late and watch a film, but his kids are tired and want to sleep?

He thinks his kids don't mind...as they get older, they'll get fed up with this sleeping arrangement and stop coming... because who wants leave their own comfy bed for this.

This in turn could affect his future relationship with them..then he'll say how much he loves them and gave up xyz for them.and now they can't be bothered with him...and how selfish they are.

I've seen this so many times. Dads like him just don't get it.

The debt aside...I wouldn't be happy that he lacks the insight to see it from his kids POV.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 10:00

So I havnt managed to speak with dp about this yet, and he has said he wants to come over tonight. I feel like I don't really want to do it tonight as him coming over usually means he stays, I feel like it might be better to have this conversation when we are alone (not at home with my dd there) and possibly out of my house.

After thinking about this alot I have started to feel like he does work on me slowly slowly and just like when I had the issue about needing space since then things have changed and he is always always at mine.

I have enjoyed it but I still feel like it's based on him working on me to get what he wants I'm not sure if that sounds crazy.

I also feel like Considering we have been together less than a year things have gone from a dating to letting him come to my house for a few hours in the evening, to him now staying all the time. And we have missed out the fun excting bit I thought would happen in a new relationship like naughty couples weekends away and things like this.

It seems to have fast forwarded to excactly what he seems to wants which is being around my home.

We have alot of nights in and hardly any out although it's not always easy for me to get childcare but we have slotted in this kind of homely routine.

I think it's all getting to me as I havnt had the conversation yet and I need to but I don't want to feel obliged to have him staying over after when we both might not be in the best moods. Confused

Am I sounding crazy now?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 03/03/2020 10:25

No. I think that's what we've been trying to make you see.
He's a boyfriend and he stays at yours a lot because it's easier and nicer for him. He wants to move in because it's easier and nicer for him.
We don't see a guy who's had a hard time trying to get him and his children a nice flat so they don't sleep on the floor.
We see a guy trying to move in by stealth.

Magda72 · 03/03/2020 10:40

Op you don't sound crazy at all! You sound like all stuff that's been bothering you that you couldn't quite put your finger on is finally clicking & making sense in your head.
I think you're wise to try & have this chat out of the house with him going back to his own accommodation afterwards - would give you both a bit of time to assimilate what you've discussed.
Good luck however & wherever you have the chat.

Annasgirl · 03/03/2020 10:53

Hi OP, I think you are beginning to realise what we can all see. You have a lovely set up, own home, quiet space, one DD.

Your DP (who you have only known less than 1 year) has no home, lives in a crowded space with family (who are probably fed up with him); has debt; has children who he sees and needs a minder for.

So, he wears you down and tells you he wants to move in with you to show his commitment - sorry OP, he wants to move in because you have a fab set up and he does not.

Please, please do not let him move in. As the MN saying goes, NO is a complete sentence.

Have a chat and also say no to him staying over tonight - remember, you asked how you could test his reaction to you saying no to him - say this evening, you want to have a night alone with DD - see how he reacts.

I think he has been ignoring your wishes OP and you are realising that you feel crowded by him.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 03/03/2020 10:56

@forrestgreen

The thing is it is quite normal to have your boyfriend staying regulary tho isn't it? But yes it's the constant pushing little by little it does feel like manilipation

@Magda72

To be really honest I have known this was an issue for me before, especially when he would not give me space but as he has been working on me for a while it seems things went exactly how he wanted and he was always at my house and I then didn't mind.

But I think all this moving in stuff has come to a head now he pushed a little too far.

The thing that got me is we were having a texting conversation about it recently and and I replied to his comments about moving in 'well you should start saving so you can buy us all a big house to live in' he said yes he better start saving and a few jokey comments went back and forward. So I then said so you let me know when your ready as in when he has this big house. He replied and said well that's not fair then I will never be moving in as that'd alot for me to do.

So this brought it all to a head

OP posts: