Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 10:16

@WhiteBadger

I guess it does feel like he is putting pressure on, but he's not doing it in a very obvious way, it's small and frequent comments and suggestions.

So far I have not outright said no but I have said I'm concerned about lack of space and his response was at his families house they stay in the living room so that's when I started thinking maybe I am the one being out of order.

But I do think now a very straight conversation is needed. When I express my concerns to him about things he does listen and is understanding alot so yes it would be good to see his reaction to me answering this in a Confident manner.

As normally it sounds like me protesting and just saying things like 'there's not enough space' 'my place is too small' and comes across as I have commitment issues.

But I feel after getting others opinions it would be sensible to say I would love to move in with you in the future, however moving into my small home isn't an option I would feel unhappy being so over crowded, its also not fair on your children to sleep in my living room and it's not fair for dd and I to be so cramped.

If we want to move in together we both need to make steps to make it work and not to be so cramped.

OP posts:
WhiteBadger · 02/03/2020 10:35

Well done OP!! You have really got this sorted in your head. Perfect response!!!

Once you've said a confident no, he should accept that and never mention it again. However if he continues his passive aggressive remarks, then you really need to rethink your relationship.

Well done! It's lovely to see a strong confident women on here!!

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 10:42

@Magda72

I agree with your first point but not the second point. I would never give up my tenancy to go into private rented accommodation.

The only way I can see us moving in is if I buy my property and let it out. I have worked too hard to give it up. So I would need to work towards that and dp will need to work towards being debt free.

I have also expressed to him before that the fact he has so much debt is a worry to me but as he blames his ex I feel like it's only fair to give him time to see if his financial situation changes

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 10:44

@WhiteBadger

I do feel like it's sorted in my head now, so I feel able to explain where I am coming from and that I am not being unreasonable but if we both wish to live together in the future then we both need to plan and work towards it and overcrowding my home is not a quick fix.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 02/03/2020 10:52

Once you’ve said a clear “no” to him, whether or not he starts mentioning it again will tell you a lot about what he wants from and prioritises in his relationship with you.

Frequent ‘casual’ remarks can be more pressurising than less frequent clear requests. It’s potentially quite passive-agressive.

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 10:59

you sound like you need to outright say no to hime. i don’t think it would be fair on his DC to sleep in a living room whilst everyone else has there own space. i think it would make them feel quite left out

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 11:11

@SparklingLime

Dp comes across as kind and considerate so I'm hoping he would understand, but yes once I have been very clear with my take on this then if he keeps mentioning moving in that would be an issue.

However if he talks about plans for us to progress to move In together in the future and the steps we need to take etc that's fine, it's good to try to make plans even if it is some time away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 11:12

@KLS02

I agree and I have told dp I don't think it's fair for his children to sleep in the livingroom, his response was they do at his families home.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/03/2020 11:14

Big fat don't do it from me - you haven't got the space. I extended my house and added another bedroom, bathroom and living area before my husband and his two kids moved in. The only reason it's bearable is because we all have our own space. You would be on top of each other and you would grow to resent them all.

user1423578854468 · 02/03/2020 11:16

I'm curious why you think saying a two bedroom flat is too small for six people should be considered "commitment issues" (or selfish!)? It just seems like stating a fairly self evident fact to me.

If he's been making "jokes" and comments about moving in for a while, how long had you actually been seeing each other when he first started?

I do agree it will be important to see whether he changes his behaviour in response to you making your reasonable position clear, or if he carries on putting pressure on you.

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 11:18

@Mustbearealadultnow personally him saying that would put me off, it sounds like he isn’t too bothered about his children’s happiness and how comfortable they are

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 02/03/2020 11:22

I agree that it’s not a great idea. You don’t want to lose your council house and also you will feel responsible for providing a home for the other children. Lots of couples live very happily and committed to each other but apart. It sounds like that would be in all the children’s best interests.

Perhaps suggest (in relation to being committed) that you all go regularly on holiday together as a blended family. Then reconsider in 2-3 years.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 02/03/2020 11:23

I also think he needs to stop seeing you as the solution to his housing situation and urgently seek a family gone for his children.

CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2020 11:28

He isnt taking any responsibility at all is he?!

You will not be moving him in to your flat.

When he is able to provide a home for you all, then you will of course consider moving in together at a suitable time in the future.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 11:56

@user1423578854468

I think because when I say my space is too small his reaction is well they sleep in a livingroom where they are now. And he has an attitude like its fine so I then wonder if I'm being too precious about needing space etc as I have always been alone with dd and that's how I have had it.

Also the commitment issues part is because I have only been in one committed relationship apart from this one since having dd and breaking up with her dad. So I wonder if it's me having issues and of course because dp is more open to this than I am etc

I also spoke to a family member of mine who likes dp and who really wants me to at some point live with a long term partner and build a life together. When I said things like he has too many kids and I have no space my family member was saying things like it's only weekends and the more the merrier your not thinking about the good points and how my dd will have company etc and it will be fun for her.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/03/2020 12:03

I'm sorry but having people sleeping on your living room floor on a regular basis is not a feasible option in my opinion. You are not in any way being unreasonable or precious.

BearimyJeremy · 02/03/2020 12:03

I don't know how long you've been together but it sounds like it's not that long, a year or two? From your posts you're saying it's too soon (given kids come too). I agree living room floor is no way ideal and you're right to be cautious especially with his form on debt. It's your castle and you're the queen. You've worked hard for it so don't be pushed over.

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2020 12:21

When I express my concerns to him about things he does listen he isn't though is he because he keeps bringing it up.

How long have you been together and how did you meet?

Hanab · 02/03/2020 12:27

A big fat no!

sodabreadjam · 02/03/2020 13:07

I am guessing that he is getting pressure from the family members he is staying with to move out and he is therefore putting pressure on you to be the solution to his problems.

Just because it is ok for his kids to sleep on the floor when with family, it doesn't have to be ok in your home. Maintain your own standards and protect your own DC.

I think he should also be clearing his debts before you move in together.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 13:27

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I agree I think I just needed to get it all straight in my mind

@BearimyJeremy and @pinkyredrose

Yea have been together just under one year. And I met him through a friend of a friend.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 02/03/2020 13:33

No way. That is in no way a home! Where will their clothes go? Their toys and other belongings? No privacy?

I think it's pretty shameful that he thinks that's an acceptable long term arrangement for his kids.

Doesn't he want better for them?

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2020 13:33

You met him immediately after his marriage ended then? I think he's looking for someone to look after him and his kids

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 13:46

@readitandwept

I think he thinks are it's everyother weekend it's fine. If it was my dd I would think differently.

@pinkyredrose

I met him a few months after he moved out of his family home. He told me the relationship had been over for sometime which normally I would not belive but his ex was already in a new relationship and soon after moved the new partner in.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 02/03/2020 13:51

And you'd be right to think differently. I'd be telling him every time he mentions it that his kids deserve better and it's about time somebody put them first; especially if the mum's already shacked then up with a virtual stranger.