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Original poster

Have you moved your do in who has children? How do you find it?

253 replies

Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 11:53

So I live in a two bedroomed flat with my dd. My dp keeps talking about moving in and we honestly love having him around and if it was just him I would be likely to say yes soon.

He has 3 children who he has every other weekend, they are nice children and my dd gets on with them.

To be completly honest I just feel very overwhelmed by the fact that if he moves in then every other weekend I will have 6 people in my house which has only ever had 2 people in it.

I am used to having peace and quiet and space and having so many people here would be a massive difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

It's not like me and him would get a place together it's that he would move into my space which then means his children would also stay.

I would love to hear how others got in in this situation.

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Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 21:58

Ah apology OP I think I picked up the mistake 5yrs from pp. Although 10k is a very sizeable amount though! I personally wouldn't feel very comfortable with that looming in the background. If it's only been shy of a year dating that's still pretty early days though. Plus there's nothing to say you have to break up, just many reasons it's not reasonable for him to move in. I'd also be wary of the 'ex wife ran the debts up alone' story. Because in that case either she commited fraud and took out hefty loans in his name and he's feeling obligated to pay them off, they both knew exactly what they were signing up for (and he's now the only one paying?), or they were always just his debts alone... I'll be totally honest and state no matter how much of a 'nice' person I am. I'm sure as shit I'd not be picking up a 10k tab for an ex! 😳

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 22:58

@AnneLovesGilbert

Yes you are right I do need to trust my guy instincts here. I actually lost alot of sleep thinking about this last night.

I made the post today and I thought the replies would say I'm selfish or come on its no big deal having so many extra people in my home, as I know I am used to it being just me and dd and maybe my thinking was not right but the things others have said is what I have been thinking.

I just do like having him around and do like the idea of him moving in but he does come as a package and my home is not big enough to accommodate this

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 23:01

I meant gut instincts

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/03/2020 23:04

He should be providing a home for his children. He isnt. He isnt a good bet for a future.

Id be saying we couldn’t consider living together until he was debt free.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 23:08

@Lalala205

I agree the debt thing isn't great, I think even though I had an issue with it I alway thought maybe that is shallow of me!

As I don't want him for his money so why should it matter? but I also feel like if there was two of you as a couple then why am I in a better financial position than you?

Why have you got nothing to show for the debt your in?

Like they didn't take flashy holidays, but flashy cars, they don't own a home I can't for the life of me see how or why they would be in this debt.

Also there is no way I can be sure if the ex made the debts alone or not I also told him its fraud and said he should make this known to the companies etc he is now paying off.

I know he would never expect me to pay towards his exs debt, but of course it does impact on me if he lives with me

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 01/03/2020 23:21

The fact that you can't see where the money went is worrying. Is he paying it off quickly now or does he still prioritise spending.
Your instincts are spot on. He should be working hard to create a home for his children, not muscling in on yours.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 23:25

@FraglesRock

He doesn't seem to overspend to atall, so for this reason I do believe that his ex may have run up the debt or they did together, as I get the impression that he did whatever she wanted so if that meant spending money he would.

He's not tight with money, but I don't see him wasting money and splashing the cash!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 01/03/2020 23:28

Someone earlier mentioned about me being a rescuer, I often find myself in this situation, but I think it is because I am very Independant and self sufficient and also as mentioned I would not give up the security of my home.

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Emptywallet · 01/03/2020 23:37

Don’t do it.

He needs to show you he is financially stable. And he will do that by securing a place for himself and the kids.

If he needs you for housing then that is not a good start to any relationship.

It’s a bit odd he’s be happy for his kids to camp out in your living room. Like honestly how many years does he think you will do that for?

He would soon be on at you to get a bigger place and you both go on the tenancy, losing you your stable home and you’d end up supplementing him so he could pay his debts.

No chance

Lalala205 · 02/03/2020 00:14

So what's the debt? If it wasn't on a car/mortgage, it must be personal loans, overdraft, CCard, doorstep lenders, pay day lenders, CCJ? There's a lot of recourse now with many of the above due to legislation that doesn't naff up your credit rating long term. Has he been to CAB? Or looked at an IVA. Yes, it'd screw up his finances for 6yr if he looks to rent, but it wouldn't count against him to apply for council or housing association properties, and could help him dig his way out of a hole quicker. If it's payday loans, Provident lenders he could look to quash a lot of the debt. Potentially if his family go guarantor on a property post that, and/or he saves a healthy pre overpayment he could still rent privately. Or is he burying his head in the sand and looking to you to 'fix it'?

owlalwaysloveyou · 02/03/2020 05:46

I'm concerned for you and dd tbh.

I'm going to sound harsh but little is extrapolated and most is directly what you've said.

You say he's a good person.

But also:
He is putting pressure on you to move in with little to no consideration to the major impact on you or your dd
It's only been less than a year and when children are involved we should always proceed with caution, you barely know each other and are still in honeymoon phase, how do either of you know it's long term (logically, as "we are so in love" just doesn't cut it when kids are involved)
He comes with debt which would then also be your responsibility to support him with. What if he loses his job? (I'm assuming he is still working?)
He isn't interested in providing appropriate housing for his children's contact. Sleeping on granny's couch is very different to sleeping on dad's new gfs couch and tbh he is putting his contact at risk as quite possible they wouldn't be comfortable staying over - or could become too comfortable. Your living room would not be your own from say 8/9 onwards as the kids would be settling down wanting to do their own thing in 'their bedroom'.
It's so unfair for your dd to have him move in because you feel like you want him to. He's surely still basically a stranger to her, or has he already started the whole new 'family man' angle?

Honestly, I've seen and heard this situation so many times. It never is the fairytale living happily ever after and often much worse. Your instincts and common sense are telling you no, why is that not enough?

blackcat86 · 02/03/2020 05:48

A bit of box, DH will automatically side with DSS, but most issues seem to come from the ex via DSS who seem to believe they both have a say in me having DD. DHs ex seems to believe I now hold equal responsibility for providing for DSS but without any rights and since both ex and DSS behaved horribly during my birth trauma and near loss of DD as a newborn I have backed right out of those relationships. She then uses a lot of emotional blackmail (which I ignore) and tries to insight problems with DSS (which I also ignore. At 16 he needs to be responsible for how he conducts himself). You may find yourself trying to 'keep out the way' in your own home. It also sounds like he has historically done anything to appease his ex so what's to say she wont start trying to make demands of you? How will he handle that? I've gained a lot more life experience in the last few years and would definitely do things differently now.

blackcat86 · 02/03/2020 05:49

That should say both not box!

MumofTinies · 02/03/2020 06:30

OP, even if you had a massive house you really shouldn't move a man you have been dating less than a year into your DD's home. The first question you should be asking yourself is how would this move benefit your DD. I can't see that it would be of any benefit to her really.

forrestgreen · 02/03/2020 07:26

I think it'll be telling when you have a proper conversation about not wanting them to move in.
He'll either see your pov and drop it.
Sulk and keep nagging or
Strop off

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 07:40

@owlalwaysloveyou

Just to be clear this thread isn't about me saying I want him to move in ASAP, what I'm saying is he talks about moving in alot I have started to like the sound of him moving in (doesn't mean I would say he could right away even if he didn't have children involved). I think this is more about it dawned on me that with his children it really wouldnt be possible any time soon and that's why I was starting the thread as I was feeling abit under presser.

But with all the replies others have reinforced what I was thinking and I am now more confident in the fact that no there is not enough space and it would not make me or dd happy and I would feel massively overwhelmed

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 07:46

@MumofTinies

I wasn't talking about him moving in right now, I was stressing over the fact that it's something he wants to happen at some time in the future (I think he would be ready before I would) and that I just feel it wouldn't work even if its in 3 years from now

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Cinderemma · 02/03/2020 07:52

I've gone from just me DS and a dog to DP, DSS and another dog. The house has gone from being tidy and presentable to chaotic and crazy and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My DP drives me insane with his untidiness but he makes up for that by being the most loving, caring person I've ever met, he'll help out with anything I need help with.

It's a big step to take but we did it gradually.

Dontdisturbmenow · 02/03/2020 07:58

So you are stressing about something that won't happen for at least 3 years? Why? Just take things as they come, a lot can happen in 3 years.

Your relationship is new, his separation too, you still have a lot to learn about eachother.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 08:03

@Dontdisturbmenow

Sorry Im not saying it wouldnt happen for atleast 3 years what I'm trying to say is its not like there is a timescale.

Dp keeps talking about moving in and I am just stressing like how would this ever work. I think he would be ready to move in pretty soon and what I'm saying even if I wanted that this year, next year or the following year it still wouldn't work with my small home and the amount of people involved

OP posts:
MumofTinies · 02/03/2020 08:10

You might not be, but he is. The fact that he is putting pressure on you in these early days is a red flag.

Original poster
Mustbearealadultnow · 02/03/2020 08:20

@MumofTinies

I don't think he is putting pressure on me, but I do feel under pressure. I have always lived alone with dd and she is my concern and I work hard to provide a good home and life for us.

He isn't demanding to move in or anything but like I said he keeps mentioning moving in and having little jokes about it etc. This has been going on for a while so I think that's why I started to feel under pressure Coz I'm thinking if we keep talking about it then it will be more likely to happen and I have already thought what others have said about lack of space etc, me loosing my pen space, Me feeling comfortable in my own home.

There was a part of me thinking maybe Im selfish, maybe if I want to be with him and live with him at some point then I should be willing to give up my space etc, even tho this didn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
Felic23 · 02/03/2020 08:53

Hi i live in a council flat with my Son any my partner lives full time with his Son. We have had many conversations about moving in and he is keen. I would not have us all living in my flat as its too small for 4 ppl. Also moving into a house together and giving up my secure tenancy is a massive risk that i cant take. Leaves us in a difficult situation as both single parents its very hard finding time to see each other. I think if your partner only has his kids twice a month and he is free to come and go from your house as much as you both want that is a good situation to be in. You dont have the pressure of his children taking over your flat and access can always increase and with half term summer holidays etc it may well. You can still see each other whenever you want it seems, i know its not the same as living together but sounds like a good enough to be able to build on your relationship.

WhiteBadger · 02/03/2020 08:55

Of Course he's putting pressure on you'! He's mentioning it all the time! He lives with his parents!

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Every single poster on here has said not to do it.

If he genuinely loves you he will stop mentioning it when you say no.

However my money is on the fact that he'll suggest moving in with you but seeing his kids at his parents' house. Then it will be staying the day at yours then a night, then a weekend, then weeks during the holidays.

Who or how the debt incurred is a red herring.

Tread carefully OP, but you sound like you have your head on the right way round! Keep strong and don't be bullied into a situation you're not happy with.

Magda72 · 02/03/2020 09:44

Op I think you need to sit him down & have a frank conversation with him.
If it were me I would be saying:

  1. He won't be moving in - ever - to your two bed flat - there is no room.
  2. You won't be giving up your secure tenancy to move in with him to a larger house unless his debts are cleared.
If he doesn't like this & chooses to walk - let him. I live in a large 5 bed house with my 3 teens & even in a house that size the walls would close in on me when exdp was here with his kids - there was literally people in every single room & bathroom - there was NO peace. I can only imagine how totally stressful it would be having 6 people in a 2 bed - he must be mad to be even mentioning it to you. Like others however, I too would be seeing the debt as a red herring. Unless you know exactly what happened & what type of debt it is you are not in a position to trust him financially. I have a lovely friend who has wracked up massive debt through bad management, not bad circumstances & there is a huge difference. I would give the shirt off my back to someone who had fallen on hard times (job loss/illness) but people who mis-manage their finances & refuse to get a handle on them all the while blaming others (in my friends case her exh but in truth each of them was as bad as the other & both were and still are to blame) are not people to share homes/finances/business interests with. For your dd's sake tread very carefully but let your dp know YOUR boundaries. If he respects you he'll accept that.