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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP insists I get a babysitter, not him

94 replies

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 15:45

I wasn't too sure where to post this so thought I'd try here! I have been with my DP for 4 years. We each have 2 DC and we don't live together.

My question is about spending time together. We don't get to do it much as we have our children on opposite weekends (although he still sees his for a few hours on his non contact weekend).

If we do try and plan something, it always has to be on a weekend that I have my kids, and I need to get a babysitter - it is never on his weekend. I have brought this up before and he said that it's fairer that way as his DC don't live with him, but mine do with me and it 'isn't going to change'. I do kind of see his point, but he sees his kids 3 nights each week for dinner, every other weekend, and then for an afternoon on his non contact Saturday. My kids have extra curricular activities on so it's not as though I get to see them all throughout the week, plus I work full time.

Am I being unreasonable in asking that he gets a sitter now and again? Don't get me wrong, we don't go out that much on our own, but I'm getting a little annoyed that it has to be me sacrificing time with my kids, rather than him with his? We seem to be at a stalemate.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:56

@5LeafClover Yes that's exactly right! His weekends with his kids I leave them to it, my weekend with my kids he's at mine (not for the whole weekend, but quite a lot of it). And the same for during the week

OP posts:

5LeafClover · 17/02/2020 20:07

In that case I'd probably have a cards on the table chat with him then. You opened up your life and home to him but it seems like he's happy to take but not to give. That's a lot more than an unfortunate situation of clashing calendar dates imo.

Kimbo180 · 17/02/2020 20:13

Yes id agree with previous poster

Trahira · 17/02/2020 20:13

OP, is this how you would choose things to be if it was up to you? Or is it completely his choice and you're expected just to fall in with it? What if you wanted to see him on a weekend when he has his kids - not necessarily going out together and getting a babysitter (we already know he won't compromise on that) but just going over to his house? Or conversely if you wanted him not to come to yours when you have your kids- you wanted to spend some quality time with them? How would he react to that?

Tulipan · 17/02/2020 20:15

This is a one-sided relationship and it is on you that you have allowed it to become so. Up to you if you allow it to continue this way. I wouldn't actually be impressed if my ex was going out dating on his days with the kids (and neither would the kids - they'd just come back to mine!) But currently his stance doesn't leave much room for you two. He might prefer it that way tbh. If you push it, he might prefer to split. At least that way you'd know where you stood.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:19

And on his non contact weekend he'll come round mine for the evening on the Fri and Sat night, but my kids are there

This is my surprised face. So when he comes to yours he brings all the food or pays for half the food, you share the cooking and cleaning up afterwards. He brings wine and chocolates and the like. Let me guess . . .

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:22

@EuroMillionsWinner Er no, he generally comes round empty handed...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:23

@Trahira Yes I do get the impression I'm supposed to fit in with his life. He doesn't object if I do things with kids on my weekend, but he has made a comment or two if I've done something with them with the evening. He actually invited himself last time I did that

OP posts:

Trahira · 17/02/2020 20:23

Also, how do you see things going in future OP? You've been together 4 years, so it might be reasonable to start thinking about moving in together, but it sounds like that isn't on the cards? Is that ok with you or would you like to see this relationship moving forwards towards a commitment?

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:25

@Trahira He lives with family, I own my own house, which isn't anywhere near big enough to fit him or his kids in. I'm not prepared to sell my house to rent with him when our families aren't blended even i the slightest, and we can't afford to buy, so I don't actually know how we'd be able to move in together!

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 17/02/2020 20:26

OP I hope PPs have made you realise that you are being used and it is time for you to move on.

Not all fathers are as selfish as your current partner.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:27

Comes empty handed, doesn't offer to contribute to the extra food and bills whilst he's there, cook and clean, not even a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine. What a catch!

He's costing you money. You're paying to have him in your life, and on top of this he doesn't listen to you or compromise. He's got it good! He gets a girlfriend whenever he needs, goes to her house and loafs, gets the wifey treatment and sex and it doesn't cost him a penny into the bargain. He landed on his feet alright.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:29

It's perfectly possible to have a fulfilling and committed relationship without shaking up. And moving in with this bloke would be a huge mistake. In fact, he's a mistake now. He's a user.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 17/02/2020 20:30

Hmm, funny how do many fathers have worked it so that the mum has to do all the school runs and childcare juggling (and cost) on her time, while he gets the weekends. How did that happen? This one has you paying for childcare at weekends too. I could not be arsed with that and your missing out on the only 'fun' time you get with your kids.

I'd tell him it's not working out.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:31

He doesn't object if I do things with kids on my weekend

What business is it of his if you do things with your own kids on your weekend? He invited himself along? You let him? Did he pay for himself at least? Good grief.

CalleighDoodle · 17/02/2020 20:36

He is taking quality time away from your children and giving you nothing in return.

Move on

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:40

@EuroMillionsWinner I can't actually remember, I think it was the cinema, and I think I bought his ticket..

OP posts:

5LeafClover · 17/02/2020 20:42

Have you ever met the 'family' that he lives with?

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:43

@5LeafClover I have! I do go to his house occasionally, just not very often.

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:47

You think? You did. Good grief. Sit down and tab up how much extra you've paid out for food, his using your gas and leccy, paying babysitters, buying him tickets and such and that's how much you are paying to have A Man in your life. And one who gives you nothing in return, won't listen or compromise, mooches round at your house, and kicks back whilst you wine and dine him.

5LeafClover · 17/02/2020 20:47

That's good at least! Why do you think he doesn't ask them to babysit? Even for a drink when his kids are in bed?

Kimbo180 · 17/02/2020 20:49

Ya need to give your head a wobble what advice would you give to a friend.... if in the same boat......if its the same as us then take the advice and call it a day see where it goes from there

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:49

@5LeafClover Because that's 'his time' with his kids so he doesn't feel he should be asking family to look after them. Even when they're in bed!

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:50

I'm sure he's paying his family a fuck ton of rent, too, for his lodgings, same way he comes to yours and offers to buy all the food, cook, clean up, gives you a bit of extra cash for using your shower/bath, treat you and the kids to trips to the cinema.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 20:51

@EuroMillionsWinner I know. He eats me out of house and home when he's at mine too. It's like having 3 teenagers

OP posts:

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