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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP insists I get a babysitter, not him

94 replies

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 15:45

I wasn't too sure where to post this so thought I'd try here! I have been with my DP for 4 years. We each have 2 DC and we don't live together.

My question is about spending time together. We don't get to do it much as we have our children on opposite weekends (although he still sees his for a few hours on his non contact weekend).

If we do try and plan something, it always has to be on a weekend that I have my kids, and I need to get a babysitter - it is never on his weekend. I have brought this up before and he said that it's fairer that way as his DC don't live with him, but mine do with me and it 'isn't going to change'. I do kind of see his point, but he sees his kids 3 nights each week for dinner, every other weekend, and then for an afternoon on his non contact Saturday. My kids have extra curricular activities on so it's not as though I get to see them all throughout the week, plus I work full time.

Am I being unreasonable in asking that he gets a sitter now and again? Don't get me wrong, we don't go out that much on our own, but I'm getting a little annoyed that it has to be me sacrificing time with my kids, rather than him with his? We seem to be at a stalemate.

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Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 18:13

But surely the unfortunate reason we have our kids on different weekends is not a reason to separate?

OP posts:

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 17/02/2020 18:17

No. It’s because he won’t listen to you or compromise.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 18:23

He doesn't listen to you, or compromise, or even sort out or contribute to the babysitter. That's why.

Delaneyblue · 17/02/2020 18:25

It's not the specifics of this issue, it's how he is dealing with the issue, e.g. completely refusing to consider compromising or even discussing a way of solving the problem.

I can understand why he doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex, but he is quite happy to upset you by refusing to even think about it. How do you see this relationship working going forward? Are you happy living separately and keeping your families apart?

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 18:34

He's only like this when it comes to his kids.. He's fair / reasonable / happy to compromise with most other things (not all, but most!)

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 18:44

Well, he's not going to change on this so continue to burden your family and pay out on babysitters to enable him if it's worth it to you.

Trahira · 17/02/2020 18:48

The current arrangement isn't fair on you and your DC, and he's being unreasonable if he won't listen to you or compromise.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 18:54

Maybe I should just say no next time something comes up that he wants to do.. If we don't do it on my weekend then we wouldn't do it at all and I can't imagine he'd be overly happy about that

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/02/2020 18:55

Well, he’s OK with you not being happy about it!

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 19:00

Maybe I should just say no next time something comes up that he wants to do.. If we don't do it on my weekend then we wouldn't do it at all and I can't imagine he'd be overly happy about that confused

He doesn't give a rat's arse if you're unhappy. Why are you allowing him to dictate to you like this? He insists you sort childcare to enable him?

Trahira · 17/02/2020 19:02

Is there a weekday night when neither of you have your DC? You could go out together then?

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 19:05

Why is he not the one pondering a work round? Guess it's easier just to put it all on you, Ticktock.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:09

@Trahira Unfortunately not, between us we have kids every night of the week

OP posts:

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:10

@EuroMillionsWinner He basically says that we both have kids, it's unfortunate that it's worked out this way with contact arrangements but that's just the way it is

OP posts:

Trahira · 17/02/2020 19:13

If you can't swap weekends with your ex couldn't you rearrange the weekday contact?

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 19:14

Well, then you like it or lump it. He's happy foisting all the sorting childcare and paying for it on you. How do you usually spend time together if you don't go out? You take it in turns to go to each other's houses and cook nice meals for each other?

Northernsoullover · 17/02/2020 19:16

I have my children all the time so if we wanted a rare night out on the weekends my partner didn't have his we would split the cost of a babysitter. I can kind of see his point but the babysitting costs should be split.

TheresWaldo · 17/02/2020 19:17

Surely one of you needs to grasp the nettle and change the weekends? Otherwise it's not worth the hassle.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:22

We can't swap contact in the week as I take my kids to their extra curricular things and he takes his to theirs.

We don't actually spend much time together really - few times a week he'll come over at 7/8pm, stay over then he's up for work at 6 and gone by 6.30.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:23

And on his non contact weekend he'll come round mine for the evening on the Fri and Sat night, but my kids are there

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twinkletoesimnot · 17/02/2020 19:29

I think it's great that he puts his children first - clearly you both do. But I can't see things working if he can't / won't change his weekends if it's important that you have child free time. It's not ok for him to get a sitter so therefore the same goes with you imo!

Kimbo180 · 17/02/2020 19:37

I actually dont think he respects you. Its alri for you to go through all the hassle of babysitters and not him.... id would be rethinking my place in that relationship... my partner has a 6 year old and the ex is accomadating as we are with her for swapped weekends...

anyways i wouldnt be suiting him all the time its totally unfair on you

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 19:40

The last time he asked to swap a weekend so me and him could go away together his ex kicked off and said he doesn't do enough for the kids (which is ridiculous, he is a great dad) and no she wouldn't swap. So he won't ask again!

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Kimbo180 · 17/02/2020 19:47

Yeah becoz she doesnt want him to be enjoying his life...... she will use the kids.. but if he doesnt stand up to her then yous wont get anywere.. the suituation wont change... its ok to have an odd weekend to yourselfs for your relationship to grow..

5LeafClover · 17/02/2020 19:54

I don't think he's playing fair with you either. He's acted like judge and jury regarding how much time you have with your kids but unless I've read it wrong he's there with your kids evenings and your one weekend. However his time alone with his kids is just him and you don't see him. Is that right? It sounds like you're giving much more than him to this.

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