Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP insists I get a babysitter, not him

94 replies

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 15:45

I wasn't too sure where to post this so thought I'd try here! I have been with my DP for 4 years. We each have 2 DC and we don't live together.

My question is about spending time together. We don't get to do it much as we have our children on opposite weekends (although he still sees his for a few hours on his non contact weekend).

If we do try and plan something, it always has to be on a weekend that I have my kids, and I need to get a babysitter - it is never on his weekend. I have brought this up before and he said that it's fairer that way as his DC don't live with him, but mine do with me and it 'isn't going to change'. I do kind of see his point, but he sees his kids 3 nights each week for dinner, every other weekend, and then for an afternoon on his non contact Saturday. My kids have extra curricular activities on so it's not as though I get to see them all throughout the week, plus I work full time.

Am I being unreasonable in asking that he gets a sitter now and again? Don't get me wrong, we don't go out that much on our own, but I'm getting a little annoyed that it has to be me sacrificing time with my kids, rather than him with his? We seem to be at a stalemate.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 17/02/2020 15:51

The issue here is not that’s he’s asking you to do this, but that he’s not open to compromise and hearing your needs and treating them fairly. It’s a red flag.

Questioncms · 17/02/2020 16:03

The babysitting should definitely be taken in turns. It should not always be on you to sacrifice time with your kids (and money?)

TrebleBadger · 17/02/2020 16:09

There is a very simple solution here: Change the weekend where they have the kids and all of a sudden you both have the same kid free weekend.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 16:12

@TrebleBadger Yes I have suggested this, but my ex won't swap as it currently suits with his partner and her kids, and my DP won't ask his ex as she can be a bit volatile and thinks it will start her off. So it's not an option!

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 17/02/2020 16:15

Does he have any redeeming features? What is great about him and your relationship?

Whynosnowyet · 17/02/2020 16:17

So he would rather piss you off than her ?no thanks..

Time to move on op.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 16:20

@Whynosnowyet I don't think it's a case of he'd rather piss me off than her, she can be a bit of a nightmare and they're at a place now where they are co-parenting amicably so I don't think he wants to rock the boat...

OP posts:

TrebleBadger · 17/02/2020 16:21

Agree with Whynosnowyet tbh

He doesn't seem to want to compromise in any way for you OP

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/02/2020 16:21

Tbh if my ex had been using babysitters so he could go out on his contact weekends (which is for the benefit of the child not the parent) I wouldn't be massively impressed.

Once a while would be understandable (wedding, significant birthday party), but to spend the night at his girlfriend's? No.

TrebleBadger · 17/02/2020 16:26

It's all in the delivery...

Co-Parenting amicably is a great place to start! And if done sensibly then it shouldn't rock the boat

Perhaps offer to have them for two weekends in a row and then start to alternate from there. If she doesn't agree to you having them two weekends in a row then say she has them two weekends in a row.

State that the reason is because he has an upcoming weekend away and won't be around for the kids so is trying to avoid that with the switcharound of weekends

Say that it's because

TrebleBadger · 17/02/2020 16:28

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks fair point. But would that not make you more inclined to change the weekends around?
Presuming it didn't inconvenience your own set up?

Luckystar20 · 17/02/2020 16:28

I agree with milktwosugars I wouldn't be happy if my children had a babysitter when seeing their dc limited time during the week. He has them eow so he has two weekends children. He doesnt get the opportunity to see them daily.

rookiemere · 17/02/2020 16:35

I think it's fair enough that he prefers to spend his time solely with his DCs as he doesn't see them as often, but it's unfair to expect you to have to pay for babysitters every time you go out. I would say to him that you should split the cost between you. If he's not amenable to that I'd tell him you'll be seeing him a lot less as you can't afford it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/02/2020 16:40

@TrebleBadger - tbh personally yes it would, but if the set up already suits the other parents and changing it would cause them as much inconvenience as the current set up inconveniences the OP then I could understand why they were reluctant.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 16:40

I didn't mean it to come across like this is a regular thing, just for example, say an exhibition was coming up that we wanted to attend, it would have to be on a weekend I have my kids rather than one he has his. I have my kids probably 70/30 and he has kids 40/60 so the difference isn't huge

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2020 16:45

Well it does make sense for you to do it more often as you do have more time with them, but I wouldn't say it should be every time and he should definitely be paying 50% for the babysitter since it's for both of your benefit. It's ridiculously unfair of him to expect you to pay each time.

Having said that, I do think he should be trying to change the contact weekend so you are alternating whether ex is volatile or not. It's the obvious solution and at least asking is a compromise he should be willing to make.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 16:48

@aSofaNearYou It was a straight 'no' when I asked him to at least consider running it past his ex...

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2020 16:50

@TickTock1234 what does he say about splitting the cost?

Annasgirl · 17/02/2020 16:51

AS someone said, what are his redeeming features? Honestly, at this point in my life, after 4 years I'd call. it a day and move on. Try to meet someone with grown up DC or someone who has more flexible access. Anyone who refuses to compromise is not a partner in a relationship.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/02/2020 17:04

say an exhibition was coming up that we wanted to attend

Is that not something you could do with the children?

I really don't think it's appropriate for an NRP to be using babysitters for a daytime activity other than a wedding in certain circumstances.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 17:07

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sorry I did mean in the evening, it was just the first thing that popped in to my head!

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 17:09

So he is splitting the cost of these sitters? You're paying to see your boyfriend. I'd be moving on.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/02/2020 17:14

So you always have to pay for a sitter?

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 18:00

Either I would ask family to sit, or sometimes pay for a sitter. It doesn't happen much but considering he sees his kids almost as much as I see mine it would be nice if we took it in turns, for example

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 18:06

And of course, he never offers to contribute towards the cost of paid sitters. It's his way or the highway. I'd move on. You're incompatible.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread