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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP insists I get a babysitter, not him

94 replies

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 15:45

I wasn't too sure where to post this so thought I'd try here! I have been with my DP for 4 years. We each have 2 DC and we don't live together.

My question is about spending time together. We don't get to do it much as we have our children on opposite weekends (although he still sees his for a few hours on his non contact weekend).

If we do try and plan something, it always has to be on a weekend that I have my kids, and I need to get a babysitter - it is never on his weekend. I have brought this up before and he said that it's fairer that way as his DC don't live with him, but mine do with me and it 'isn't going to change'. I do kind of see his point, but he sees his kids 3 nights each week for dinner, every other weekend, and then for an afternoon on his non contact Saturday. My kids have extra curricular activities on so it's not as though I get to see them all throughout the week, plus I work full time.

Am I being unreasonable in asking that he gets a sitter now and again? Don't get me wrong, we don't go out that much on our own, but I'm getting a little annoyed that it has to be me sacrificing time with my kids, rather than him with his? We seem to be at a stalemate.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:52

Because that's 'his time' with his kids so he doesn't feel he should be asking family to look after them.

But you are expected to ask yours or even pay someone.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 17/02/2020 20:53

I think he’s making clear to you that his kids come first. In many ways I think that is admirable (a man who didn’t put his kids first would probably be slated). It’s up to you whether you’re willing to accept that or not but ultimately if I didn’t have full time access to my kids I wouldn’t be getting a babysitter in so I could go on a date, I would only date in my free time.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 20:53

You let him, Ticktock. Honestly, he's a total user.

Frouby · 17/02/2020 20:53

What do you do the weekends he has his kids and yours are at their dads? I'd be tempted to go out and do lots of fun things with friends, male and female.

Bet if you start doing that, he starts to ask ex to swap.

KatySun · 17/02/2020 20:56

Good grief, the previous posters are right, this man has it made, really.

You are losing quality time with your children; they are having this man in their space; he is taking resources which are for you and your DC (food, money); and he is giving nothing back. For every point where it could be fairer, he seems to have an answer:

Cannot share his space - lives with family (he has had four or more years to sort this one out)
Cannot change his contact weekends - craaaazy ex (there is always one of them, it is amazing)
Cannot get a baby-sitter on his time - he has his DC less than you (even though it is marginal)
Cannot pay his way - pockets sown shut?!?

Good grief.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 17/02/2020 20:57

P.s. for all the other reasons you have given he is a cocklodger and you know it’s not going anywhere (he certainly doesn’t seem to want to integrate you into his family) so I would end it over them not the babysitting issue.

5LeafClover · 17/02/2020 21:00

Hmmm. I think he's only interested in being part of your life when it suits him, not the other way round. Sorry. Also, the fact that he 'plays his face' if you don't act in the way that suits him is a red flag.

TorkTorkBam · 17/02/2020 21:07

Oh well, if he wouldn't be overly impressed with being fair then let him continue taking advantage.

Honestly, it is OK for a cheeky fucker man to be in a huff when you stop him cheeky fuckering to your disadvantage.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 21:11

I love him so I do find the whole situation hard. I think immediately I'm going to make myself less available when he is available, and to start saying no to getting my kids looked after when he asks and see what happens. I always say yes to him. If he starts getting the hump then I think it's pretty clear we can't carry on

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 21:22

Quit spunking money that could be going on your kids on him. Stop hosting him to come over empty handed and run up your bills. You just tell him, 'You need to bring food with you or we'll shop together but you need to pay your share. I can't afford the increase in my bills any more.' FFS. Just cut that shit out! 'My bills are starting to eat into my budget. I'm going to need a contribution of £X to cover your stay.' It's really that simple. He's using you. Taking money away from you and your kids. That's shit. Plus your kids have to put up with him in their space.

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 21:23

Bet he clears off fast once the free wifey treatment comes to an end.

Trahira · 17/02/2020 21:27

We do understand OP that you can't just dump him on the back of one Mumsnet thread. But I always say yes to him is quite worrying really. You do need to have a think about your own (and your kids) needs and desires and draw some clear boundaries. Starting to make yourself less available to him sounds like a good start. And maybe a chat about a financial contribution from him towards food etc while he's at yours?

TorkTorkBam · 17/02/2020 21:31

Go quid pro quo. Don't announce it. Just do it. Whatever he expects from you then you demand from him like it is obvious that's what should happen. Like he comes round on Friday and eats your food, so next Friday invite yourself to his to eat his food. See what happens. If he says no, then when he wants to come to you next Fri, you say no.

This is a useful way of regulating yourself for any person with people pleasing tendencies. Quietly keep a give and take tally. That way you notice quickly when it goes one way too much.

happycamper11 · 17/02/2020 21:37

When a dad spends 4 days a month with a child no he shouldn't be getting babysitters in that time. YABU

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 17/02/2020 21:38

@happycamper11 It's 20 days a month

OP posts:

EuroMillionsWinner · 17/02/2020 21:40

Like he comes round on Friday and eats your food, so next Friday invite yourself to his to eat his food.

She doesn't go to his because he lives with family.

So just stop letting him mooch and tell him, 'My bills are getting too high. So we can work it either you bring all the food you'd like to eat or we can shop together and you can buy your food then.' 'I need to cut back financially and my utility bills are a bit on the high side. So let's say £50/month for your share.'

His response will tell you all you need to know but I can guarantee what it will be once he realises his cushy number is up.

Felic23 · 17/02/2020 21:47

Hi im im sort of in a similar situation. My partner lives full time with his Son and i live with my Son. We have been together 5 yrs. I was just wondering do you feel the need to blend the children and do they want to be blended?
Not many people are in this kind of set up so dont have much advice from others. Im asking as we started to blend the boys (his age 10, mine 11) but my Son was never that keen and due to school and activities and generally busy lives, it always seems like more hassle than its worth to all meet up. My partner i know is keen for us to blend more but for me i dont really mind staying as we are as we have already established moving in is not happening anytime soon for various reasons.

Original poster

Ticktock1234 · 18/02/2020 10:10

@Felic23 Yes I'm kind of the same. Our kids have spent a bit of time together but are completely different characters with different interests and I know mine aren't overly bothered about meeting up with DP's kids. His have extra curricular activities all weekend too so they never have any time. I'm happy not living together as I want to focus on my kids whilst they're still at home etc

OP posts:

PerkyPomPoms · 18/02/2020 10:17

Jesus what a user

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