This is going to be a divisive one...

[TeaAndWine]

Interested in opinions and ways to deal with this. Will try to be succinct.

4 DC between 5-13. We have them two nights in the week and EOW, plus lots of times one on their own for sleepover etc.

DH pays what is set out on CMS but is officialy through the CMS if that makes sense. We just used the calculator on their website. Plus extras for trips/uniform etc.

DH's ex wife is going with a friend to Disney Orlando for two and a half weeks in September, without the kids, so we will have them that time. No problems, I'm quite looking forward to it.

The kids have been to Florida as holiday many times before, and this will be around her 15th time going. Odd to me why of all the places to go in this world without kids you would choose to go their again but hey ho, horses for courses etc.

My question is - Surely if we're having the kids for nearly three weeks DH should not be expected to pay CMS while she's there? That's effectively giving her spending money. Our bills for food/days out etc will go through the roof.

We simply cannot afford to pay the CMS that month and to have them. The CMS is just that - for the children. Who we will have.

We have them numerous other nights that have never been taken into account with the calculation.

I think part of me that I'm happy to admit is bitter as she's never worked a day in her life, even before she had kids, yet we can't even afford to go for a weekend away despite both working full time, but perhaps that's a different thread.

Would we BU to say we will be paying CMS for the one week she has them that month? As the money is for the children, who will be with us nearly the whole month?

Open to hearing thoughts. Don's tin hat

The ex has never worked
So this man was able to support his family and
No working wife for years

We are now meant to believe that he’s on the bones of his arse for three weeks of full time children when he now shares a hole with another full time working adult and no further children?

Hole should read home!

@snowfalling20 Thank you for your responses, I am listening to them and see all sides. How do you feel about my initial point about us still giving her CMS when we have them for three weeks?

@LASH38 that's a good point. I don't want the kids being punished for their mum's choices. And I wouldn't put it past her to make very obvious points, suddenly be pleading poverty. It needs to be handled carefully.

bring

well considering when they were together she also had a massive inheritance and they would have been receiving some kind of benefits for 4 children, whereas now he cannot rely on that inheritance and receives no benefits, its not very hard to imagine that he's now skint.

Lets not forget he walked away with nothing and had to start again, he's likely paying very expensive rent compared to what was likely not a massive mortgage before.

Have a bit of imagination, wont you!

@Snowfalling20
I don’t fully disagree with you. I shouldn’t have used the word ‘reckless’, in my opinion as mum is presented here, I would not be making those financial choices personally. That is with the assumption that she will refuse to forgo the CM for that period.

What I’m saying is that mum can do what she wants with her cash - dad cannot control that. But he can migrate the effect on his children and that is where his energies should be concentrated. There’s no point in analysing mums income or whether she works as he cannot do anything to change that.

The OP sounds like they are in financial dire straits if having the children an extra few days a week will cause them Financial hardship. so I get why they might ask mum to reduce Some of the CM if it will benefit the children.

For all we know mums response might be a simple yes.

@Bringringbring except now he has a 1150 rent to pay a month, as well as none of her benefits, and has almost double the expenses. It's not that difficult to understand.

Cross post with @get but thought it bared repeating.

@Bringringbring
He’s now paying to house them in two homes, not one. So it costs a lot more money.

I hope so @LASH38 but I won't hold my breath.

She mentioned to DH when the youngest was starting school that she'd be worse of with a job - does anyone with more info know if that's the case? I really don't want the kids to suffer either way.

tea it shouldn't be but i dont think anyone can say for certain with the state of UC. However, that is not your problem. Its up to her whether she works, or doesnt, but she cant expect your husband to pay her more simply because she chooses not to work. Its not his issue, its entirely hers.

I guess her salary might end up replacing her benefits if she works. Many view this as ‘losing’ benefits/income instead of ‘replacing’ benefits with earned income.

I’m surprised that she’s still getting benefits if she has a large inheritance to be honest.

If she says no then I guess you’ll have to stretch the budget. What costs do you expect to rise? How much do you need to cover it?

If she says no then I guess you’ll have to stretch the budget

ah yes, as simple as that.

Well what else can be done @getoff?
The OP and husband can hardly get the kids earning an income.

Going back to court to adjust for a few days a year isn’t going to be that much of a saving surely?

Has the CM and income always been the same? If it’s based on salary from 2 years ago then dad might find himself paying more.

For the record, I’m not advocating that dad shouldn’t be paying appropriate CM or that it’s wallet shut once he has paid his dues, but I am sympathetic to dad’s restricted finances having to be stretched.

But OP he has also gained...you! A full time working adult that presumably contributes?!

@lash38

the op and the husband can go to cms with evidence of how many nights they have the children, and get a reduction.

They could try and get the ex to agree to exactly 50/50 and then no maintenance needs to be paid, and everyone is doing their fair share.

Going to CMS (not court) WILL have probably a substantial effect because the op and dp will fall into the next bracket which reduces the payment for whatever % for each child.

Yes, Bring, lucky OP having to pay more towards these kids than their own mother does

@bringringbring but they're not ops children, and therefore not her financial responsibility - you do realise that?

Oh gosh @bring you’ve opened the stepmum income contributing to ex’s finances can...

But the OP presumably contributing her full time salary to the costs of their shared home together!

X-post

Oh thank you @Bringringbring what a treat for me that is.
Just so I'm clear, and don't want to get my role confused - Do I follow your advice of providing for the children or a PP who told me to keep my nose out?
I'd hate for there to be any ambiguity.

I wasn’t referring to the OP Conroe irony towards her stepchildren (god forbid) I was referring to the fact that his new rent and bills will be shared with the OP!

yes bring but the children arent ops responsibility - they're solely her dh's. The rent is more because he has 4 kids - its also more because he gave up his house, entirely and left with nothing.

Op will have to subsidise her husband presumably, because of this. It doesnt make it OK though, does it?

No ambiguity

Explain how his new costs (nothing to do with children) in terms of rent and bills are not presumably extensively shared with you?

@Bringringbring yes indeed they are, but Christ they're high and we barely cover it month to month. As I advised a PP, please read up about the cost of living and the squeezed middle.

Can I ask your opinion on my original question, which was if we should be paying CMS for the time she is on holiday for three weeks?

ah @TeaAndWine - this is the thing isnt it. Of course, as a step mother, you should be available for child care at all times, whilst also working a FT job so that you can support your step children, and your husbands ex wife. You should also tidy up after them, cook their meals and wash their clothes. However, you should never get involved in any actual parenting decisions, and you should never ever discipline them. More than anything, please remember that your life is now controlled by your husbands ex wife, and you no longer have any will of your own. I'd say thats whats expected of you now.