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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holidaying with my kids only?

115 replies

Bookaholic73 · 01/02/2020 09:00

I am living with my partner, my 2 teens and his 2 kids who are under 12.
I said to my other half that I’d really like to go on holiday with my kids.
He thinks I’m being unreasonable, and that we should all go together.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PityParty4one · 01/02/2020 10:44

I wasn't being daft it appears you didn't read the OP correctly.

Annasgirl · 01/02/2020 10:46

OP please tell us whether you plan to go alone with your DC (then you are not being unreasonable) or you intend for your DP to go too (then you are being U).

whiteroseredrose · 01/02/2020 10:56

No problem at all as long as it's you and your DC.

I've been away with each of my DC separately as has DC. It doesn't have to be everyone doing everything every time.

Your DH's DC might like having their dad to themselves for a bit.

WooMaWang · 01/02/2020 11:03

It's always silly his quickly people jump in with implications that an OP is a wicked stepmother.

The fact is that there are far more things you can do with teens than you can with little kids (without it just bring torture for everyone). Should the OP's teens always be restricted to holidays (with her) that are suitable for little ones because her partner has little children?

It is really easy for the limitations of younger children to come to dictate what you can do as a family. You end up not going to nice restaurants because they won't sit properly for long enough or won't eat anything u familiar. You end up doing the things that keep them interested and busy because it's just not worth trying to do other stuff when you know they'll be a pain in the arse. Or just that you know that there'll be absolutely nothing for them to do when you take your teenager to do something they want to. So it is really, really easy for the older ones to be the ones compromising and fitting in around the younger children.

That's true in any family with age gaps. But it is likely to be more keenly felt in a blended family. Especially by teens who didn't used to have up accommodate younger children.

It may actually be fairer for the OP to take her teens away while the DSC are with their mother (probably doing stuff they enjoy with her). It wouldn't be ridiculous for the DH to go if he didn't want to be home on his own (since his kids would be elsewhere) either. Similarly, he might want to take his kids somewhere without the teens (while they're with their father). That'd be fine too.

WooMaWang · 01/02/2020 11:05

The stepchildren living with their father doesn't mean they don't spend time with their mother. It could mean 50-50. It could even mean that they're only there EOW but the OP (and the family) consider them as living with them rather than visitors (surely that would be better?).

It's likely that the planned holiday would be timed for when then DSC are with their mother.

Nonnymum · 01/02/2020 11:12

Fivetillmidnight if I was your partner and my children lived with us. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you and your children if you didn't invite my children too.

Nonnymum · 01/02/2020 11:14

I think it's fine if you and your children go on holiday together. But not if you expect it to be you, your children and your DH leaving his children behind. I would be upset too if that's what you are proposing

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/02/2020 11:16

Yabu , selfish and should never have started a relationship with a man who already had children.

LittleDragonGirl · 01/02/2020 11:55

This depends on multiple factors.
Do the dsc live at home with OP and DH full time?
Then yes it seems unfair for them to be babysit while they see there dad SM, and Stepsiblings go on holiday - unless a holiday is planned for just them and DF and SM later on.
If the DSC do not live with OP full time then I personally dont see the issue as they will also get holidays with their DM that the OPs children will not.
If they live at with OP full time then it is fair for her to go on holiday just her and her teenagers if the OP's DH is also given the opportunity to go away with just him and his children.

sassbott · 01/02/2020 13:23

Omg. The amount of factors on here.

OP. Go on holiday with your children. They are only this young once, you will blink and before you know it they will be taking holidays with their friends / partners and not you.

I don’t have to explain to my partner or his children why they aren’t coming on holiday with me. I’m not their mother. They holiday with their parents / families.

Why does everyone seem to think that everyone should contort to fit in around children all the time? How on Earth are any of you raising your children to be resilient human beings? You do realise that when they go into the big wide world it won’t pander non stop to their needs?

funinthesun19 · 01/02/2020 13:28

Yabu , selfish and should never have started a relationship with a man who already had children.

Why? Because she wants some quality time with her own children?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/02/2020 13:47

You and just them fine but if expecting your DP to go without his children YABVU.

I don’t get why people blend families though unless absolutely willing 100% to ensure the same treatment to all. The children left behind with no holiday are going to feel very second best I would imagine,

sassbott · 01/02/2020 14:24

Well icecream, that argument can be used for many things.

Why bother having children if both parents are going to WOHM and use childcare?
Why bother having children if the parents are going to holiday / take a romantic break without their children?
Why bother having more than one child if you’re going to do activities with just one child and not include the others?

One size does not fit all. Am important part of parenting is to teach children the importance of understanding, compromise, empathy and humility. Humility that the world does not rotate around the child and that others needs can and should come before yours.

I holiday without my children when I can afford it. Think they feel left out or second best? Or do you think they understand that mummy works hard and deserves a treat/ downtime?

We need to stop raising a generation of me first navel gazers

KatherineJaneway · 01/02/2020 14:26

I think it's fine and actually good you have time together without him and his kids there.

Fivetillmidnight · 01/02/2020 15:30

Nonnymum i*f I was your partner and my children lived with us. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you and your children if you didn't invite my children too.
*
If you were my partner and I was taking my children away and YOUR children LIVED with us, then you wouldn't be coming anyway ! As presumably YOU would need to look after your children !

Fivetillmidnight · 01/02/2020 15:34

This year one of my children has been away 3 times. Another hasn't been away at all. Pretty sure, that being fairly logical , non hysteric children, they are perfectly ok with this an accept that circumstances sometimes dictate different events. Regardless of wether you are a dc or a sdc

funinthesun19 · 01/02/2020 15:49

The children left behind with no holiday are going to feel very second best I would imagine,

But they don’t have the same mum. The op isn’t their mum and nothing will ever be equal between the children when they have different mums and different extended families. She isn’t leaving them behind because she isn’t their mum. Their mum can always take them on holiday. And to be brutally honest, they kind of are second best to the op.

I bet if the op’s partner’s children get a holiday with their mum, nobody will be feeling sorry for the op’s children if they don’t get to tag along too...

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 01/02/2020 15:56

Our family is me, dh, my dd his dd and our son.

This summer me and dd had a holiday on our own - she has had mh issues this year and we felt that she just needed some time with me and her. We had a lovely 2 weeks in Greece having a holiday that ds would have been bored on and hated.

Sd went away with her mum and ds had a great time doing boys stuff with his dad!

Different things work for different families

Fivetillmidnight · 01/02/2020 16:35

*Practicallyperfectwithprosecco
*
Exactly. Blended families need to in-blend sometimes to suit their own particular circumstances.

lunar1 · 01/02/2020 18:05

This thread went in a really odd direction. The OP never said she was planning to take her children and husband while leaving the step children behind.

She wants quality time with her children, which I think is so important. The dad can do the same with his children.

The idea that that the entire household should go away with the exception of the two youngest is abhorrent. Your husband isn't a possession, his children are just as important as yours! This is not what the op is suggesting at all.

Can you imagine dropping the two unwanted children off while daddy trots off in holiday with someone else's children.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 01/02/2020 18:09

Thanks for all the replies.

To clarify:
Step kids live with us full time.
I meat that me and my kids went on holiday, leaving him and his kids at home.

OP posts:

LittleDragonGirl · 01/02/2020 18:16

I dont see that theres any issue in that at all!

funinthesun19 · 01/02/2020 18:23

She wants quality time with her children, which I think is so important. The dad can do the same with his children.

Exactly! It’s always said on here that dads should have quality time with their children when they get a new partner. And I think mums should be given the same respect regarding their relationship with their own children. That quality time is so important.

There was a thread a few weeks ago where the mum wanted to go to an event with just her children (no partner with her), but people said she should take her partner’s children too or they would feel left out. It just feels like a mum’s biological children should be made to put up and shut up but yet if it was a dad’s biological children people would be screaming about the children’s rights to have time with their father alone.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/02/2020 18:26

Do you have separate finances so retain your own salary or is he expected to fund the holiday hence why he could be unhappy with the situation?

Maybe he thinks you all live together as a family so holidays should reflect that.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 01/02/2020 18:27

I work full time and have my own money, we split everything 50/50 so I’ll be paying for it.

OP posts:

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