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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holidaying with my kids only?

115 replies

Bookaholic73 · 01/02/2020 09:00

I am living with my partner, my 2 teens and his 2 kids who are under 12.
I said to my other half that I’d really like to go on holiday with my kids.
He thinks I’m being unreasonable, and that we should all go together.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Drum2018 · 01/02/2020 18:58

Do it. There's nothing stopping him doing the same with his kids.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/02/2020 09:38

I go on holiday with just my daughter most years. We've also had holidays with just the stepkids and also the three of us (me, husband, daughter, no stepkids). Also my husband and I go away without any kids once a year. We don't all like to do the same things so why force everyone into a holiday together? I'll probably be shot down for this though, as 'not treating everyone equal.' The boys go on holiday with their mum as well, plus daughter goes with her dad. That's how things are when you divorce.

Infinityandbeyondthestars · 03/02/2020 13:09

Me and our joint DS go away together just the 2 of us every year, this is because we can't afford a holiday for all 5 of us, most of which now count as adult prices. It would mean me saving and paying for it as i'm a higher earner. However dsc go abroad with their mum ever year so seemed unfair that DS never goes anywhere.

Magda72 · 03/02/2020 13:29

It just feels like a mum’s biological children should be made to put up and shut up but yet if it was a dad’s biological children people would be screaming about the children’s rights to have time with their father alone.
So very true. There's a terrible double standard (both on her & irl) regarding a woman's bio kids & a man's bio kids.

Magda72 · 03/02/2020 13:38

Posted too soon.
It never ceases to amaze me how in a relationship a woman's bio kids are expected to put up with every piece of crap dished out by the man's bio kids! Op - your finances, your kids - so go book your holiday & have a ball. Your dp will either get it or not & if not you're honestly better off without. Otherwise your entire life (& that of your dc will be forever dominated by the wants of him & his dc.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 14:29

I don't get how OP is the wicked stepmother for wanting to holiday with her own kids, while her partner is not a wicked stepfather for wanting to stop her taking her own kids on holiday??

That said, @Bookaholic73 - is there a reason why you don't want to all to together? I can see how it could be awkward for your OH since he has his children all the time so it's not like they're getting holidays with their mum.

Are you planning on doing something which only your older kids would enjoy?

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/02/2020 17:24

@Bibidy yes, we want to lounge around the pool, go to a few nice restaurants and just have some grown up (ish) time together.
We don’t want to eat at ‘family friendly’ restaurants, AKA listen to other people’s kids screaming.
We don’t want to go to kids discos, or do kids activities.
We want to just thoroughly relax by the pool.

With the step kids there, it would just be constant noise and no time for just us, like it used to be. We miss it.

No, I don’t mind if they never see us all as a big happy family..16 and 19 year olds don’t have anything in common with 9 and 11 year olds!

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/02/2020 18:16

16 and 19 year olds don’t have anything in common with 9 and 11 year olds!

I think you've hit the nail on the head there OP. My 16yo daughter has absolutely nothing in common with her 12yo step brother. The holiday we had all together a couple off years ago ended up with me and her lying in the sun while the SS got bored and took himself off to his room to play computer games - something he can do all year at home without it costing ££ to take him on holiday!

tisonlymeagain · 04/02/2020 10:15

We all went on holiday together last year, it was the first year of us living under the same roof and it felt the right thing to do but in all honesty, I couldn't relax in the way I wanted to because I am very aware of having someone else's children around. (We do live together 50/50 but I don't really get involved with parenting them and same goes for DP with my kids).

I definitely plan to take my children away in the future just me and them. It feels important that I have that time with them and they have that complete access to me. We've also been away with just my kids when his were away with their mother, I can't see an issue with that. We now have our own child which changes the dynamic a little and I'm not sure how to navigate that!

Butterflyflower1234 · 04/02/2020 16:59

OP you should absolutely go away just you and your kids. There's nothing stopping your DP and his also going away without you and your kids.

I hate it when people bash step parents, you will never love your step children the way you love your own children. That doesn't make you evil, it makes you a parent!

Enko · 05/02/2020 09:03

If you take yours and he takes his somewhere equal it's fine. However if you take yours say to Disneyland and he takes his to a house in the Midlands then his will feel resentment.

I was that stepchild who had to watch my then step mother take her dd to Grece whilst dad to my brother and I to live in a borrowed flat in the capital for the same time. I am almost 50 now and it is still one thing I do not understand they did.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 05/02/2020 09:17

@enko surely it depends on their individual budgets? This 'everything has to be equal' crap is ridiculous.

Enko · 05/02/2020 10:59

@chocolatesaltyballs22 Why is it " crap?" you are talking about a blended family here. I am all for each biological family taking time out together. However, you also want to make some level of fairness within it and if one-half of the children get big huge holidays and the other half gets a caravan in the middle of nowhere. It is bound to make that half feel they are not worth anywhere near as much.

In the case of my dad and then stepmother it was a joint household budget too. So the decision was made to take a larger portion out for the favourited child (her daughter) and not as big a portion out for the other children. I promise you all it did was make 10 year old me feel like I was not worth as much as the other child was.

Again I am all for there being a biological family holiday. Bonding is important and feeling like you have time with your parent is important. Ensuring the children all feel equal in the blended family is ALSO important. This doesn't mean treating them the same. However, they should in my opinion certainly be treated equally. How you as a family go about that equality is something you work out.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 05/02/2020 11:30

So my stepkids mum should take my daughter on hols if she takes her kids then? As surely it wouldn't be equal otherwise. There will never be true equality in blended families and step parents need to stop being made to feel guilty about it.

HalfBiscuit · 05/02/2020 12:10

I think you should go on your holiday OP, have a lovely chilled time.

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/02/2020 14:02

I work full time and have my own money, we split everything 50/50 so I’ll be paying for it
The question is more whether you have similar disposable income once all bills are paid, ie. could he afford to take his children away on his own too?

I think in principle it is absolutely right that you should be able to go away with your older kids and indeed they should be able to spend that time with you as I expect they used to.

However, it wouldn't be right if as a family, you could do so with your kids and he couldn't. Also, ideally, would be nice to do it if you could also then afford another joint holiday.

Motherlandismylife · 05/02/2020 14:36

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 05/02/2020 14:50

We have almost identical disposable income, and he could afford to take his children away if he wanted to.

@Enko I really don’t think you’re being objective about the whole ‘everything has to be equal’ crap.
We could both afford to save for Disneyland (as an example, my kids are too old for that though). But I f he chooses to waste his money on clothes, lunches out etc, or decides to buy himself a new car, why on Earth does that mean my kids couldn’t go to Disneyland?

OP posts:

WeHaveSnowdrops · 05/02/2020 15:17

If he pays for himself and his kids I don't see a problem. If he expects you to pay for his kids he can fuck right off.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2020 17:27

Go on the holiday. I think he just knows a holiday with him and his kids alone isn't so much fun....it's hard work keeping an eye on them.

You don't need to do that with your teens.

Also means he has to parent 100% on his own.

Even if this was not a blended family, I see no issue with different holidays given the age gap... I imagine that nobody would want to stay home with the youngers though..in this case the youngers are his. So he needs to accept your decision.

It's a great idea.

Nonnymum · 05/02/2020 17:33

meat that me and my kids went on holiday, leaving him and his kids at home.
That is perfectly OK. Nice to have a bit of time to yourselves. Then he and his children could go away together too

Beamur · 05/02/2020 17:39

YANBU

BaronessBomburst · 05/02/2020 17:47

My brother and I used to do different trips with our parents and we're not a blended family. Being treated equally doesn't mean being treated the same. The children have different wants and needs.

WooMaWang · 05/02/2020 18:08

@SandyY2K I think you're right. He probably just thinks that a holiday on his own with his kids (where he has to do all the parenting) sounds unappealing.

Just about the only thing that annoys me about my DP is a similar attitude. He complains if I organise things with/for my DS (10) that don't include his two (6 and 3). That's not fair on DS, who doesn't want his life to be restricted to stuff 3 year olds can do (the 6 year old acts like a 3 year old too tbh, so it's soft play/the park/restaurants serving things with beans etc).

But I've come to the conclusion that 'we need to do things as a family' actually means he doesn't have to entertain his children on his own. The fact is that he'd rather be doing the kinds of things DS can do and he finds his kids a bit dull and very difficult. Or, if what DS is doing is boring (a whole weekend of swimming gala, anyone?), then DP seems to resent the fact that he's got to be entirely responsible for entertaining his kids all weekend.

Thing is: they're his kids and that's just how it is. He could try parenting differently (clear expectations and consistent consequences perhaps?) and maybe they'd be less difficult to spend all day with.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 05/02/2020 19:55

Thank you everyone. @WooMaWang I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want to parent his kids, I think it’s because, honestly, he finds the things I do on holiday with my kids, more exciting.
With his kids around it’s always noisy, them whining and arguing etc, the idea of laying by a pool and maybe going hiking appeals to him more

However, like has already been said, they are his kids and he has to do those things with them, I don’t.

OP posts:

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