Looking after DPs kids all the time...

[Rhcat1]

Evening. Looking for some advice..bit of a long post but bare with me.
So I'm currently 7 months pregnant, live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and he has 2 young children to his ex wife who he has around 3-4 days/nights a week.
They've never had set days because his ex wife works different shifts/days each week but he gets the same 2 days off during the week. He keeps pushing to get one weekend off a month but its proving difficult and hes only been in the job a few months. Anyway, They tend to work out at the start of the week what days he will have them and what days she will. Some weeks this works fine, but other weeks, she will demand he have them on the days she knows he is working, and if he tells her hes working she then demands he find childcare. The issue is, he can't afford childcare, he has no family that can help either so it's always down to me. Obviously we live together and share all the bills, so basically since we first got together I'd watch the kids for him on my days off or they'd be dropped off with me for a few hours until he finished work and got home. I adore the kids and we have a great relationship but at the minute I'm exhausted, she's had loads of time off work and I've been watching them every week (sometimes running back and forwards to the toilet throwning up) with zero energy, and found out she's just sat in the house. My bf drops me off and picks me up from work as he doesn't want me getting the bus so early or late at night (I work 11 hour shifts) and the other morning the traffic was so bad, the little one was late for school as he'd dropped me off first, even though we left an hour early. This was the first and only time he was late. The ex then rang and told him he can no longer take me to work or pick me up and that I should get the bus.. Or she will send out a solicitors letter! I had to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut but the woman's constantly trying to dictate our lives. Now, I won't get into all of that right now, but I'm finding it difficult to watch the kids on my own, and when my baby is here I know I'm going to struggle with all three of them. I'm thinking, do we pay for childcare on some of the days and basically go without food shopping or get behind on bills (literally can't afford childcare) or do I suck it up, watch them on his days whilst he's at work and try not to have a nervous breakdown. She knows he has no childcare and that I look after them, and if she needs it on her days they just go to her mums house. Also does child maitnance include childcare costs?he pays csa to her too. Some advise would be nice.. Please if you're just going to lay into me, don't comment...

@Rhcat1
You sound bitter to me and are bringing that to a forum of exhusted step parents who need help not slagging off and you should be ashamed.
1000% when you fall in love with someone you don’t think about how being a step parent will be and some birth parents take advantage of kind step parents
No way is it OP job to be a baby sitter for the SK why should she be looking after them whilst DP is away working and BM on Holiday ? BM shouldn’t be going away when DP is that’s not a good mother.
Stop lecturing someone who hasn’t got to be a mum to SK they have a mum and dad and SM and SF don’t get enough appreciation.

You Marty the person you do not marry the step kids they one day leave home and won’t look back and think oh daddy stayed alone all because my mum couldn’t sort her issues out that he had a new partner.

There’s too many bully’s on here and it’s sad to see you are allowed to have ago at a stranger as you think your right.

IF YOUVE GOT NOTHING NICE TO SAY THEN DONT SAY ANYTHING

I won’t read your reply as it will be angry as you are angry and directing it where it belongs is better than at strangers.

And stop complaining that you're expected to as per the "jd" of stepmother.

The OP has no parental responsibility for these children.

She's not a free childminder for their mum's social life.

Having your own older kids when pregnant, is very different to your DPs kids.

While I do think it's messy/unwise getting involved with a married man, even though he's separated and who needs him mum to finance his divorce.... the childcare issue is a separate matter.

OP... if he backslides on this, keep going to your mum's.

@SoloMummy
OP is not responsible for these kids and never will be unless this demented woman was sign them over legally. Anything she or any other step parent does beyond simply being nice to the kids is optional, not obligatory.
If this situation is in any way damaging those kids, it the fault of their Golden Uterus DM and wet lettuce DF.
Honestly don’t know what rock you crawled out from under but you should be ashamed of that message to a good woman who is clearly struggling to do the right thing by everyone and more importantly put her own baby first. Just as these children’s mother should bloody well be doing.

Well said, HillAreas.

Some vile people here tonight just to have a go. Weird behaviour.

Ignore, OP, you are doing the right thing.

@SoloMummy - that is a disgusting post you wrote. Totally uncalled for, extremely unkind & full of your own issues which you have just spewed all over the op. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself - extremely trolling.

RandomMess I agree with you that the only thing which could be resolved is the maintenance issue. But I re-read the posts from the OP last night and it seems to me neither parent is particularly well-placed to look after the children full-time and therefore the flexible arrangement they have (because the mother is on call and the father has two week days off which seem to change from the start of the thread to now) may be what has ‘worked’ best. There is contact in place, it is regular and the question of consistency if it is on a rotation cannot, I don’t think, be set by a court order, the parents need to sort it out. If he goes to court and gets say, Monday to Wednesday, he gets Monday to Wednesday. Or can the courts make an order which compel them to agree contact days on a monthly basis, say? I would be surprised at that. The dad should have initiated mediation already to get greater consistency if that is what he wanted, but it seems he has been happy to let the situation carry on.

The problem is not what the parents have decided here, because that is their business, it is that the OP has become the childcare on ‘his’ days. It is not clear to me at all how 50/50 would solve that without the dad putting proper childcare in place again.

Anyway, my point is really that there is a lot of unpleasantness directed at the ex here when the DP is not really covering himself in glory either - he has been relying on the OP to look after the children and got her pregnant when he has not even sorted out the existing mess. And the OP seems to be holding out unrealistic expectations that everything will be fine once a court gets involved. I think that is unfounded optimism.

@HillAreas @Magda72

Op has CHOSEN to become a step parent by her own volition. Albeit, she does not seem to think things through in advance in a mature manner.

As such she doesn't need PR to now share that responsibility with her partner. That's what she's signed up for getting involved with a married man with 2 children.

If she cannot manage that then she needs to be a grown up about the situation.

Let's be fair, anyone with child knows that managing an older child is a doddle compared to the full on absolute responsibility of a baby/young child.

She's now on maternity leave - exhausted - yet couldn't manage by choice a day with the 2 children.

So let's be honest, it would be ill advice to suggest she become a lone parent to solve the situation as she may well not manage that either.

No thought went into the relationship and the implications. Then an accidental pregnancy with no thought to boot. Doesn't bode well.

Of course courts award contact on a rotational basis!!! It is also usual to award fixed contact when parents cannot co-parent flexibly without it.

It seems like the Mums family are willing and able to continue childcare but only when it suits Mum...

The whole purpose of contact is for the DC to maintain a relationship with both parents not to enable one to have the nights out and holidays they want, nor to withdraw contact at will to punish the other...

Why is it ok to insist one parent looks after the DC on their working day just they can go out, where is the flexibility in that? I only see selfishness and someone that uses her DC to punish the Ex?

All this ad hoc contact is not about enabling the Mum to work or to enable the DC to spend time with their Dad is about power and control...

Thank you guys 🙂 I've just woke up so only seen these messages.
@SoloMummy
I'm not gunna rehash everything as I've explained the best I can over this thread what he wants IF it does go to court. He wants his money/share out the family home that she still lives in when she decides to sell it, that he paid into and lived in for 7 years. He doesn't want reduced hours, he's happy to have them the same amount of time he's been having them.. But exactly like @RandomMess said, he wants her to stop with all the dictating times, contact, asking for child maitnance and then asking him to have them 50% on some weeks when it suits her, but then other weeks will put him down to 1 day or threaten him with 1 day.. If she's not getting her own way about something. This is why he wants to go to mediation first so they can hash these things out and try to work something out amicably working with professionals.... But she refuses to go.

You asked why I got involved with a married man with two children, and that were supposed to be a family which includes the two children.... OK I never said it didn't! I met him when he'd been seperated from her nearly a year..he was honest and upfront on our first date that he wasn't yet divorced..and he got the divorce papers through probably a few weeks into our relationship. Like all people are when they first meet someone, I was all starry eyed and giddy and literally hadn't had that connection with someone before. I was 29..I wasnt going to pie someone off just because he'd been married before and had children. If anything, I admired him more because I got to see what kind of father he was, and I got to see his relationship with his kids. Some people will swerve people with kids because they want to have all the "firsts" with them... I didn't. I fell in love with him for who he was, his kind heart and how much chemistry we had. He didn't have a pot to piss in, but he made me laugh and he treat his kids right and that's all that mattered. And I didn't just fall in love with him. I fell Inlove with his kids too.
Yes I've had a moan about thier behaviour at times, but they're kids.. They have thier good days and bad days. But they're amazing and when I say I adore them, I adore them with all my heart.
I have a great relationship with his girls.. Even when the little one tests my patience by being naughty.. She'll go and do something really cute and melt my heart again the next minute. I wasnt well the other day and lay down on the sofa for 5 minutes and she came over and put a blanket over me and said "ill take care of you my baby sister in your belly."...so don't think I don't "accept" the children.. I've bought them bunkbeds, clothes, shoes, all of the Christmas presents, birthday presents.. I take the oldest to the pictures or shopping so we can have girl days when she doesn't want to be around her sister and wants some time on her own. I do thier homework with them, I sit and talk to them when they're upset, or have been picked on in school, I give them advise, I look after them when they're not well, bath them, make them laugh, even play barbies with them sometimes... "a family I did opt to become a part of"... And have been apart of.. All the while listening to his ex wife's shit in the background.
Ive done this for coming up to 3 years now soon. Ive kept out of his arguements with her. I've helped as much as I can, I've looked after those girls.
Try to imagine EVERY SINGLE DAY you listen to the verbal abuse down the phone, because that's what he gets, everyday. "you didn't bath the girls last night. That's child abuse."... "you didn't read her school book with her last night. You're a shit father."... "you shouted at her and put her on the naughty step. How dare you shout at my children."...."youre useless, you're worthless,
Stupid.. The kids don't even care about you."
Ive heard it all. And I've seen the abusive text messages too. I've also seen how broken my partner has been with having this abuse for years that he doesn't stand up for himself... And as his partner.. It makes me internally angry to the point I feel helpless because I can't get involved. It makes me angry too that he doesn't stick up for himself. That's why I get bitter. Because he allows her to treat him like that, and bends over backwards to make sure she doesn't kick off about something else. This is entirely what I've been discussing with everyone on this post, had you read it properly.
My mental health has suffered through this relationship, mostly because I'm fighting an internal battle of wanting to stay and stand by his side, not wanting to leave the kids, and hoping everyday that things will change and get better and that the ex wife stops dictating our lives. The other half of me is bitter, angry and trying to protect myself and my own mental health.
So excuse me if YOU think I'm shitty and manipulative for considering taking some time out at my mums house to have a breather and time to think, but I think when you're completely and utterly overwhelmed, heavily pregnant, with every emotion already heightened because of your pregnancy hormones... Add on that your partners clearly putting your needs after his ex wife's to save conflict... Its kind of necessary. Especially - as you put it- I won't have the "luxury of time post birth"... No I won't, so I'd like to take the remaining time I do have to have a mental breather from all this bullshit, because I'll never get this time back.
That's exactly what these lovely ladies have been advising me to do. That's why I created this thread.. To ask more about csa, courts, childcare, general advise.. Because some of them have been through it and they know what they're talking about.

@SoloMummy and can you stop putting emphasis on him being a "married man" that's all you keep saying "you chose to be with a married man".. As if he's some kind of adulterer and I'm the this wicked woman who's unconvinced his family.
They were seperated a year before I even met him.
So because I "chose" to be in this relationship, i just have to take the abuse, accept that's the way it is and get on with it? Excellent advise for someone struggling in thier mental health.
And don't insinuate that if I did become a lone parent that I wouldn't be able to cope with a baby on my own. Kids have boundless energy, I have none right now in this stage of pregnancy, I'm suffering from SPD and still have morning sickness everyday. What happens if one of the kids has an accident under my watch? I'm literally waddling around here like an elephant. I'm out of breath, uncomfortable and yes exhausted and highly emotional right now. This is my first pregnancy, I'm trying to take it all in and deal with my body changing, look after my unborn child and make sure she's OK in there, and look after my own health. Yes if they lived here id have to get on with it but the fact is.. They don't! And of course its easier when you have you're own older children. They're YOUR children. You have you're own routine with them, they listen to you. You've had them since birth. If I tell them off they'll just run straight back to her and tell them I told them off.

@SoloMummy
You can witter on as much as you like but the fact of the matter is that no step parent signs up to be everyone’s bloody servant.
It’s not just an odd day - OP is expected to arrange her whole life around this woman’s whims. There is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS WHATSOEVER- THEY ARE NOT HER CHILDREN

SoloMummy has her own issues. Sad woman.

That much is clear. Not having her attack @Rhcat1 without being answered back though. She’s having enough of a time of it without this bullshit.

@HillAreas thanks for having my back 😊 xx

Just another voice to support you OP.

There is little point in your OH 'having' his kids when he's not even there. Since he's the one who's got the 2 fixed days off each week I don't understand why he can't have the kids on those days.

He told her if she drops the maitnance money he will happily have the kids 50/50, but she refuses

Well it wouldn't be up to her, if he had them 50/50 then legally he wouldn't have to pay her anything, or he'd have to give her something minimal if she had the 4 nights and he had 3. Only thing would be whether he's actually be able to manage 50/50 with his job, it doesn't sound like it.

Like say he did have them 50/50.He can do the drop offs at school and work would let him out to pick them up from school and drop them off with me until he finishes work at 5, then hed be home. Its only an hour from when they get home from school to which I wouldn't mind that so much as I could get them changed and bathed and sort thier teas out... I have actually done that hundreds of times over the years.. Even when she's picked them up from school and dropped them off with me on a night/nights he's had them and she's been off work. It's the weekends that are tricky. He used to always get a Sunday off so it was easier.. And he's trying to sort that out now at his new job so he has one day off during the week and one at the weekend. But the nature of her job means sometimes she starts work at 5am...and she's back by 2..so if she starts that early she'll ask him to have them overnight. But then she can be off work but be "on call" and she'll still ask him to have them just encase she gets called out. Sometimes she'll have them and then call him last minute and say she's been called into work and that she's dropping them off.. And this is where the arguements start because he'll be in the middle of dinner.. Or there's days we've bought cinema tickets thinking we don't have the kids and she will ring and say she's dropping them off and if he says "I've got cinema tickets I'm literally on my way there now" and her answer is always "tough".
She won't do anything on her end to meet him half way. If she gets the same day off as him she'll say "I'm having them that day, your getting them this day" knowing he's at work and I'm off.

I should mention I don't drive.. Otherwise I'd obviously collect them. But we live about 15 minutes away from thier school.

Your posts drip with anger at her. She has never made any commitment to you. She never had unprotected sex with you. She didn't get you pregnant. Your anger is misplaced.

Every time you find yourself angry at her, having a little mental rant about her, stop. Just stop. You are in a relationship with him not her. If you are feeling angry, sad, frustrated, put upon, look at how HE is doing that to you.

People act like enablers are lovely people. They aren't. He isn't nicer than her. He enables her to behave badly and abdicate reaponsibility. You aren't nicer than him. You have been enabling him to behave badly and abdicate responsibility. Yes, it's easier to believe he's lovely, your are Mrs sensible and she's the wicked witch. The fact is the whole dynamic is fucked up and he's the primary one enabling it.

Yes, it's easier to believe he's lovely, your are Mrs sensible and she's the wicked witch.

Absolutely how it looks to me. Spot on.

@TorkTorkBam I do agree with you, as I've agreed with the others when they've told me I'm living with a manchild. A couple comments back ago I said so myself that he's let her do that. And he's admitted it himself when we aired everything out the other night.
And I will hold my hands up and say because i haven't put my own foot down, he hasn't felt the need to either. I'm angry at her, I'm angry at him and I'm angry at myself. In the earlier stages of the relationship I didn't want to rock the boat or cause a fuss, so I never put my foot down or expressed how it was really effecting me.. And that's on me.
But I'd say for the past year or more, I have been expressing everything and it's fallen on deaf ears.. Again.. Angry at him and angry at myself for not making more of a stand. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't know what's changed, but somethings changed inside me where I'm ready to wash my hands with it all.
I know my comments drip with anger towards her. Because she's not a nice person. She psychologically abuses him and I really really feel strongly about people like that. I can't help it the way it makes me feel, when I see that behaviour from people, it effects me.

I'm not saying he's perfect he's far from it, and I'm not saying I'm perfect either. We all have a hand in this. Plenty of times I should have probably walked away and said I wasn't putting up with it, but I didn't. Like when I told him I wasn't watching the kids on Sunday a week ago and 2 days before he asked me to watch them like he'd not just heard me the week before. I've said all this to him the other night.
Honest the more I talk about it the more I get stressed out.

You are still misdirecting. I can understand why. It's a really bad time to realise you've been fooling yourself.

You should not have to put your foot down to request basic human kindness from your partner. At most a little reminder now and again should be it.

If you think you can manipulate him into having a totally different personality, totally different instincts then you are on track for much heartache. Your behaviour will not make him start spontaneously giving a shit about you. Your behaviour will not make him have different childcare instincts. If he's too weak to discipline his first children despite them presumably desperately needing one smart stable parent then why would you have the magic personality changing words? He would rather take advantage of you than have a row. Wow. I never worry about whether my husband will have my back or not.

Forget trying to change him. Change yourself. Decide on your boundaries and rigidly enforce them for a while. I'd start with not one second of solo childcare. Make it happen with zero argument too. Just say no then refuse to discuss. Mr Head In Sand can get his own treatment. Get yourself strong and stable ready for when he has two nightmare exes that won't stand for his teflon behaviour.

Yeah that's what I did yesturday. I said no and meant it. It did cause an argument between them nonetheless but she ended up getting her mother to have them. It hurt me that he didn't listen and he just assumed I'd do it. I aired this to him. I've already told him I'm not doing solo childcare anymore and made sure he listened this time.
Do you know what I might just get a dog lol.. I was the happiest I've ever been when I was single, living with my friend and walking the dog everyday without a care in the world. That dog helped me lost 5 stone lol. I genuinely sometimes feel I prefer the company of animals rather than people. I had no idea what I was getting myself in for on that first date...
But I've made my bed. We have to work at it, I have to work on myself. He has to work on his self and we all just need to clash our heads together and move forward.
I feel like I'm even boring myself with all this now.

By the way that was a joke I'm not actually going to go out and get a dog lol... Although I'm definitely wanting to get a rescue dog in the future. 100%. Nevermind, that's not even remotely related to this post.