Looking after DPs kids all the time...

[Rhcat1]

Evening. Looking for some advice..bit of a long post but bare with me.
So I'm currently 7 months pregnant, live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and he has 2 young children to his ex wife who he has around 3-4 days/nights a week.
They've never had set days because his ex wife works different shifts/days each week but he gets the same 2 days off during the week. He keeps pushing to get one weekend off a month but its proving difficult and hes only been in the job a few months. Anyway, They tend to work out at the start of the week what days he will have them and what days she will. Some weeks this works fine, but other weeks, she will demand he have them on the days she knows he is working, and if he tells her hes working she then demands he find childcare. The issue is, he can't afford childcare, he has no family that can help either so it's always down to me. Obviously we live together and share all the bills, so basically since we first got together I'd watch the kids for him on my days off or they'd be dropped off with me for a few hours until he finished work and got home. I adore the kids and we have a great relationship but at the minute I'm exhausted, she's had loads of time off work and I've been watching them every week (sometimes running back and forwards to the toilet throwning up) with zero energy, and found out she's just sat in the house. My bf drops me off and picks me up from work as he doesn't want me getting the bus so early or late at night (I work 11 hour shifts) and the other morning the traffic was so bad, the little one was late for school as he'd dropped me off first, even though we left an hour early. This was the first and only time he was late. The ex then rang and told him he can no longer take me to work or pick me up and that I should get the bus.. Or she will send out a solicitors letter! I had to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut but the woman's constantly trying to dictate our lives. Now, I won't get into all of that right now, but I'm finding it difficult to watch the kids on my own, and when my baby is here I know I'm going to struggle with all three of them. I'm thinking, do we pay for childcare on some of the days and basically go without food shopping or get behind on bills (literally can't afford childcare) or do I suck it up, watch them on his days whilst he's at work and try not to have a nervous breakdown. She knows he has no childcare and that I look after them, and if she needs it on her days they just go to her mums house. Also does child maitnance include childcare costs?he pays csa to her too. Some advise would be nice.. Please if you're just going to lay into me, don't comment...

You and your baby need time out away from the craziness of your DP, his EX and also his children. From what I have read you come bottom of the list in that household whereas the Ex seems to have managed to pull off coming top of the list. That is crazy behaviour from everyone involved. See how he copes and how she behaves when she realises that you are not on tap for her to use anytime she fancies a night out, to work or just a bit of free time - which is all fine if it done in the right way but this is not the right way. Your DH needs to have fixed days to see his kids. This will work to everyone's advantage especially the kids. They will have some order in their life.

I would have no problem with a genuine emergency but her just taking the piss every week is not on. He needs to get his ass in gear and organise his EX and the kids and stop letting her take advantage.

@cstaff tbh it's my fault too for not putting my foot down in the past. There's plenty times I threatened to leave before I even got pregnant and I never did, so I think in his head he thinks ill just keep putting up with it. But since I've been pregnant it's put everything in perspective because it's now my child's happiness that needs to come first too.
There's so much I get frustrated at that he doesn't listen to. He is a fantastic father but what gets right on my tits is his parenting sometimes. Like for instance, when I was little, if I dared to go help myself to food in the kitchen my mam would go nuts. We always had to ask. The eldest comes in and always goes into the fridge and helps herself to food, or climbs on the benches and gets things from the cupboards and I've told them as many a times to ask first... Because it's me who then cooks them a meal that they then won't eat because they're "full" and then an hour later thier complaining theyre hungry again. I keep telling him to tell them but he never does.
Then if the little one does something wrong likes she's cheeky, he will yell at her, but as soon she starts crying he picks her up and cuddles her and is like "aw daddy's sorry, do you wanna snuggle in and watch my phone" and I'm like.... She's just acted like a complete brat, you've told her off and now your cuddling her 2 seconds later.. She's not learning anything about her behaviour. She's just learning that if you shout and she cries you'll cuddle her straight after...".
Ive put her on the naughty step for being rude and cheeky and left her to cry, told her she doesn't come back in the room until she apologises. And she does. She understands why I've put her on the naughty step, and that she's not going to be rewarded for that kind of behaviour.
It's just so frustrating because I'm not thier mother... But they talk to him like crap sometimes and he let's them. He doesn't correct thier manners either sometimes if they don't say please or thank you.
I told him my child's going to be raised being respectful with manners and she's not going to get away with anything., but she needs to be lead by example too.
Honest at the minute I just think he's a fanny. Absolute push over, even with his children.

He sounds like a Disney Dad even though he has them half the week (or more) and not just one day a week. He needs to get his act together. You cant raise two sets of kids in different ways. That is not fair on any of the kids.

With regard to his Ex you definitely need to disappear to your Mums for a while and let them both see that their ways need to change or your relationship wont be able to carry on and from her perspective she wont have free babysitting on tap which is what she is doing right now. It just wont be possible without you there.

Whether you return or not needs to be based on whether your DP or his wife get their act together and make proper arrangements with regard to THEIR kids. You all need a bit of time out once in a while - not just the Ex. You need to let them know that you are serious now.

At least if they make proper arrangements i.e. from Friday to Sunday or whatever suits, you can all make your own arrangement around those days and like I said there will be exceptions but they should only be very occasional, not every bloody week.

They watch and listen to thier mother talk to him like crap... And they think oh well if he doesn't stand up to mummy ill just talk to him the same way.
If I hear them be rude and cheeky, I always say, don't talk to your dad like that. That's really rude.
But he doesn't have thier respect. I don't know how to change it if he continues to let them get away with it. It worries me that they'll think they can go through life talking to anyone like crap.
They'll say "dad get me a drink now." and hell say "hang on"... Not "excuse me, the word is please".. They've tried it with me before. The oldest said "ill have a sandwich, bring it to me".. And I said "firstly, don't demand. Secondly, the word is please and thirdly, you've got legs, if you want me to make you a sandwich you can shift your arse and come and get it."
I keep telling him to monitor thier tablet times as well, the oldest sits in a trance watching YouTube all day, it's not healthy. She actually said the other day" why would I play when I can watch YouTube? " it terrifies me... When I was little I was out playing in the street with the neighbours, climbing trees or riding my bike... Kids are literally absorbed in thier tablets now. I don't even want my baby watching anything on a tablet or phone. Scary the way things have changed

He is a fantastic father but what gets right on my tits is his parenting sometimes...

And then you go on to list half a dozen or more examples showing how useless, nay irresponsible he is...

You clearly are very sensible, but somehow this gormless manchild has somehow managed to screw with your innate commonsense.

This is not going to get better! Before you know it, your own child will behave just like his kids!

Unless you remove yourself from his influence. This relationship has no future - at least not the kind of future you might want,

You deserve so much better. As does your yet to be born child.

I bet if you are honest with yoursef, you'll acknowledge that this is true. You just have to summon up the courage to do what you know you need to do.

Turn off the WiFi.
The kids won't know why it won't play.
As to the rest, got stay with your mum.
Let him deal with it all.

He is a fantastic father

Nope. He is not.

@FlowerArranger I realise I probably should have worded that better. I meant he's a fantastic father in the sense that he loves his kids and shows them that he loves them, and that he supports them and will do anything for them. I just meant parenting in terms that we don't agree on discipline ect.. The more I listen to you guys the more I realise I am in a relationship with a man child and that he needs to seriously get a backbone. I know what I have to do, it's just easier said than done. I want to know where he is in terms of the solicitors before I make any decisions. The minute the fees are paid, he will know where the divorce is at, as it can finally go to court and be settled. Literally his mums paying the solicitors fees in the next week or so...if they come to an agreed arrangement ie set days, csa arrangement revaluated accordingly to his circumstances, and things are legally put in place, then I will stay and see how things go and if they change... But if this is going to drag on for more months and nothing changes, I'll be packing my bags. My mums just down the road so I can leave at any time, or go stay at anytime... I want to hear what the solicitor says before I leave though and give it a chance.

Oh Sweetheart, you are too kind and considerate for your own good!

The fact is, being divorced won't suddenly turn him into good enough dad!

He is who he is, and he won't change.

I urge you to go home to your mum and wait this out. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby (who deserves so much better than your DP).

"I can't bear to lose you", but also "I can't bear to tell her to stop being so unreasonable".
So the only way he can "bear" is for you to just keep taking it and stay quiet?

If you want him to take you seriously then you have to make sure he is in no doubt that either this nonsense from his ex stops or you will be gone gone gone, with no option C available where he doesn't have to actually do anything at all.

Bloody hell. What did I tell yous would happen. Low and behold just now he's said, "you're alright having the girls for 6 hours on Sunday aren't you? Just I told her you were at work tomorrow and so she wants to go out on Sunday instead".
I just fumed, "are you actually kidding me. Do you not listen to a word I say? The answers no. I told you last weekend I've made plans. Why don't you listen to me? I'm too exhausted to keep doing this. I told you last weekend I don't want to do it anymore, I don't care if she wants to go out. Get her to sort out her own childcare".
He's just shat himself and was like "sorry, I forgot. I'll sort it. Don't worry. I'll talk to her."
And I said we'll if you don't I bloody will. I'll tell her myself I'm not doing it anymore.
Total proof that he doesn't listen.

You're a nanny who provides sex.

Sorry but that's how he's treating you. He's not a fantastic father and he doesn't give a shiny shit about you.

You know your mum's down the road? Go now. Turn your phone off and go.

None of this is your problem.

Yep. A nanny who provides sex is about right. If this is how he treats his pregnant partner he’s a disgrace.

Go. To. Your. Mums.

I don't even provide that at the minute. Lol third trimester has got me worn out. By the time I get into bed all I seem to do is feel sick and fall asleep. That and I can't stop pumping at the minute. The babies pushing all my organs up and I feel like an elephant, unsexy and the least bit remotely turned on. I have zero interest in sex at the minute.

Wait a minute, aside from everything else, if he cannot afford his legal fees, how on Earth is it going to go to court? Court is EXPENSIVE and what would he be asking for? He is already relying on you for childcare and he cannot go to court to ask to see his children less, so what he is actually going to ask a court for? Set times? What if his ex turns round and says okay, then he can have residency and she will have the set times two days a week? You are pinning an awful lot on when he is divorced and a court steps in but how will this be paid for and what is actually going to ask a court for?

Of course he cannot bear to lose you, you are looking after his kids, cooking his meals, no doubt doing the cleaning and getting the shopping in - and what is he doing? Selling you a fantasy of how it will all be fine when he is divorced? I cannot see how.

You have to be some sort of masochist to stay in this fucked up situation. Your blood pressure has to be sky high. You've picked a coward to reproduce with. Congratulations this shit show will be forever unless you leave

His mums just paid off the solicitors bill, he's booked in for mediation but the the solicitor said if she refuses to go to mediation, like she has done in the past, this time it'll go to court. I dunno what he'd do if it wasn't for his mum paying it, when he gets his money out of the house (when she sells it) he's paying his mum back every penny like he should.
I've never been married neither do I want to be married and the whole process of divorce confuses me to no end. I never knew just how expensive it is... All he wants is set days, his money out the house, and for something to be put into place for the kids ie childcare on her days or his days if and needs be.
I already put my foot down, barely spoke to him last night or this morning and he apologised again for asking me to look after them and told me he won't ask again.
Can see a big argument happening between them today but I'm going down to my mams anyway so it's between them two now.

Also the solicitor said they don't get involved in childcare arrangements anymore and that it's down to the csa... So he rang them to tell them about his change in income, how many nights he has them and that he's got a baby on the way and they said a case worker will call him back within the next 2 weeks. The solicitor did say because shes down as the primary care holder its up to her to sort childcare out and pay for it and because he pays her maitnance he's not to hand over anymore money for childcare costs if she asks for it.
She always gets her parents to look after them anyway so she'll never have to find a childminder whereas he would as he only has me to help. Now that I've took myself out of it, he'll have to find someone.
I told him last night, "I said to you I'm getting too tired now in this pregnancy to look after them, and that I can't do it anymore, but because your ex wife wants to go out, her happiness is now priority and to keep the peace you've told her ill look after them? Something is very very wrong with that. It's not happening. Tell her no or I will. " and he was like" you're right I'm sorry! ".... I'm away to me mams this weekend though. He can get on with it.

Honestly you sound great and he sounds like a total wally and a massive wet blanket.

It was really irresponsible of him to get someone pregnant in this situation and bring a baby into this chaotic set up.

He should not be relying on anyone else for childcare unless it's a professional arrangement. What would he do if he was single? He'd have to sort something out wouldn't he, I don't buy that someone working full time can't afford any wrap around childcare for school age children.

He used to have a childminder when he first met me, but she went back to work full time in a different role. I remember even back then she'd always ask him to sort it out even on her days and he'd get stung for the cost of it as he was picking up and dropping them off with the childminder. But then I stepped in and basically I've done this to myself... I felt sorry for him so I put myself in that childminder role instead of just being the girlfriend. And because I did that, and I've let things go and not made issues out of it in the past, we've mot really done anything for my birthday or new year or had a holiday alone together yet.
I never made a big deal out of it because I didn't want to come across bratty or selfish or demanding.. I'm not that kind of person anyway I don't like fuss... But sometimes it would be nice to be made to feel special. The meals we have gone out for together have always been interrupted by her texting or calling. I remember a few months into the relationship we'd just dropped off the kids and went out for a meal and she rang half way through the main course demanding he go and get nappies and drop them off for her.. And so we had to rush the rest of the meal.
I look back now and I think, why did you put up with that? It's only since I've been pregnant that I'm like...do I really want this anymore? Do I want my daughter growing up having to rush around because that dragons on the phone yelling again. Nope. I've gone into protective mode now.
And all your advise has helped massively as well to see things clearly.

I am glad you are going to your mum’s for a rest, it sounds like you need it. Honestly, between you and his mum, this man is relying on women to sort his mess out.
As far as I am aware, the CSA sort financial arrangements based on what they are told about how many nights the children are where. They won’t sort out where the children should be, that is up to the parents and if necessary the courts based on what is in the children’s best interests. He cannot go to court to ask to have the children less (he is after all their father and needs to make necessary arrangements for his time with them) so he needs to have a clear idea what he actually thinks is in their best interests and why. He cannot force his ex to put childcare in place on her days, and the best thing you can do probably is take yourself out of the picture until this is all sorted. It sounds a mess.

Sorry I have just read your update. Don’t blame yourself too much. Just look after yourself and your baby and make sure you are alright

What happened today, OP? Did he sort something out?

@HillAreas they had a massive argument apparantly. We talked about it tonight calmly and like adults and literally sat for like 3 hours putting all the cards out on the table. He said he's absolutely done with it all, that he takes responsibility for letting it go on as long as it has, that he's told her she doesn't come in our house and he doesn't go in hers and that from now on they both abide by strict boundaries ie, only call each other if its something about the kids ie they're hurt, or they've forgotten something they need for school etc other than that don't call for the sake of it. He apologised profusely to me and said he should never have assumed or asked me to look after the kids and that from now on he's taken me out of the equation. He also told her I'm not doing it anymore as she just assumed I'd have them too.
He says there's only 4 people important to him right now, his kids, his baby and me and he's going to do everything in his power to make sure we're all happy and not being subjected to anymore shit anymore.
I told him I have to see action not just hear words and false promises and basically told him the whack.. Let it all out.
She told him no one would be home if he tried to drop them off in the morning so hell have to call in sick, and he stood his ground. She's got them tomorrow now.

That all sounds positive - hopefully the penny has finally dropped! As you say though, the proof will be in his actions and whether this will be a lasting change. I wouldn’t rule out still going to your mums for a few days for a bit of headspace after all the heavy chats and drama.