Looking after DPs kids all the time...

[Rhcat1]

Evening. Looking for some advice..bit of a long post but bare with me.
So I'm currently 7 months pregnant, live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and he has 2 young children to his ex wife who he has around 3-4 days/nights a week.
They've never had set days because his ex wife works different shifts/days each week but he gets the same 2 days off during the week. He keeps pushing to get one weekend off a month but its proving difficult and hes only been in the job a few months. Anyway, They tend to work out at the start of the week what days he will have them and what days she will. Some weeks this works fine, but other weeks, she will demand he have them on the days she knows he is working, and if he tells her hes working she then demands he find childcare. The issue is, he can't afford childcare, he has no family that can help either so it's always down to me. Obviously we live together and share all the bills, so basically since we first got together I'd watch the kids for him on my days off or they'd be dropped off with me for a few hours until he finished work and got home. I adore the kids and we have a great relationship but at the minute I'm exhausted, she's had loads of time off work and I've been watching them every week (sometimes running back and forwards to the toilet throwning up) with zero energy, and found out she's just sat in the house. My bf drops me off and picks me up from work as he doesn't want me getting the bus so early or late at night (I work 11 hour shifts) and the other morning the traffic was so bad, the little one was late for school as he'd dropped me off first, even though we left an hour early. This was the first and only time he was late. The ex then rang and told him he can no longer take me to work or pick me up and that I should get the bus.. Or she will send out a solicitors letter! I had to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut but the woman's constantly trying to dictate our lives. Now, I won't get into all of that right now, but I'm finding it difficult to watch the kids on my own, and when my baby is here I know I'm going to struggle with all three of them. I'm thinking, do we pay for childcare on some of the days and basically go without food shopping or get behind on bills (literally can't afford childcare) or do I suck it up, watch them on his days whilst he's at work and try not to have a nervous breakdown. She knows he has no childcare and that I look after them, and if she needs it on her days they just go to her mums house. Also does child maitnance include childcare costs?he pays csa to her too. Some advise would be nice.. Please if you're just going to lay into me, don't comment...

She told him no one would be home if he tried to drop them off in the morning so hell have to call in sick, and he stood his ground.

He should warn her that if she pulls a trick like that, it will be the end of all the flexibility and the favours he ever does her (which are going to be reined in big time anyway, but he can save that bit)

Stop now before the baby comes tell your DP the kids can only come when he can have them - pointless them coming when he’s not there and it will get worse believe me.

I agree with @meme70
If you’re not firm now can you imagine how much she’ll take the piss when you’re on maternity leave!
If she doesn’t answer the door when she’s supposed to have them then that works both ways, remind her of that.
You could easily just not answer the door when she tries to drop them off on one of her whims.

You need set days and do it 50/50. Each person organises their own childcare on those days. End of. No more.

He apologised profusely to me and said he should never have assumed or asked me to look after the kids and that from now on he's taken me out of the equation. He also told her I'm not doing it anymore as she just assumed I'd have them too.

Words. Just words. Let his actions do the talking!

Please, stay at your mum's, take care of your baby once she is born, and leave him to sort out his own mess.

If he ever does - and I'm not holding my breath - you can perhaps become a proper family.

In the meantime, lead the best life you can

So was there someone at her house to let the kids in OP. I hope you have a quiet peaceful day today.

Take it from me after 7 years of being the only proper leant to a step children it will get worse
Your DP is also taking the P out of you

Refuse to have his children when he is. It there your not a babysitter if he can’t afford childcare he need to say to BM he can’t have them as they live with her I don’t see why your having them when he’s working ?

@meme70 that's what our whole argument was about the other night. He's apologised for this and said in future he's going to have to find someone else to help. The ex wife is going away on holiday for a week in March without the kids so he's having them that full week. I'm going to be 9 months pregnant then so I absolutely cannot and will not help being that so close to dropping. He understands this. He's finishing work early everyday that week so he can get them from school and come home with them and then he's making up the hours the week before.
The ex is throwing it in his face saying he needs to have them on one of the days at the weekend every week, but he works weekends. Hes trying to sort it out with work to get one weekend off a month but he can't take every weekend off. It's thier busiest times. She complains that he's only seeing them at night times, when he gets in from work and not spending full days with them. This has only been since he started his new job. His old job he had every Sunday off... Moving forward he can't do that. He can put holidays in, but not every week.
And its not her looking after them today, its thier grandmother. She's off somewhere with the bf today apparantly. Eye roll.

He needs to say 'look, I don't get to tell you who should be looking after them in your time, or how it's done, so the same goes for me'.

In all honesty I cannot stand the woman. I've spent my whole life avoiding keeping company of the likes of her. Ive always clashed with women who act entitled, spoilt and who are high conflict. Theyre emotional vampires who I have no time for. I just like down to earth people who can laugh at themselves and who are positive souls and don't go out thier way to negatively impact other people's lives. So It pains me that I fell in love with someone who has an ex who displays the very qualities I dislike in people, and people who I avoid.
That's the hardest part, having to keep my mouth shut when I'd LOVE to give her a peace of my mind. I'm not really a confrontational person but there's no way in hell I'd let someone speak to me the way he let's her speak to him. I just wouldn't put up with it. I'd say my peace and cut them off. There's no cutting her off, but he's now limited all contact. He told me he hates confrontation because when he was younger he let people chip away at him, and he'd not say anything, and they'd keep on and keep on until he'd just explode. And he said he doesn't like that side to him and certainly doesn't want the kids to see that side to him, so instead of exploding at her, he let's her do it. He's frightened that one day he'll just snap and see red.. Not in a violent way but in a way where he'd scare the shit out of her. That's the way he explained it to me anyway. He also said he refuses to argue with her in front of the girls, which I fully stand behind... But the ex always shouts at him in front of them and she doesn't realise that's she's actually mentally fucking up thier little minds by doing that. She's just a vicious, toxic nasty bag of shit and I really really hope one day she gets a taste of her own medicine. That's how she makes me feel anyway. I hope karma is real. Surely you can't be a massive bitch your entire life and never have any consequences at all?

Surely you can't be a massive bitch your entire life and never have any consequences at all?
Sadly, yes, you can!

Typical lol. My friend always says 'just chill, don't rise to it. The best revenge is just having a good life. You do you. Be your own success and don't let them drag you down' so I just keep chanting that like a mantra haha like a mad woman. Walk away. Just keep walking away.
I tell you before I was pregnant I had wine to get me through. I have never missed wine so much in my entire life. Though I still won't be able to drink it for months after I've given birth if breastfeeding works out. Not looking forward to cracked nipples though. Ouch.

Sound lie the ex is jealous your havhng his baby hence holiday when your due

BM here went away for 16 nights left SD and her other daughter at hime SD was 8 then and her sister 12
I was pregnant very poorly I had hemoraghing lost twins one at 2 months pregnant - I then caught sepsis and I was seriously ill at 5 months pregnant BM knew this she knew I’d been blue lighted to hospital a couple time’s but she still choose to go abroad for 16 nites
When she was away I ended up in critical care in intensive care nearly died lost 2 litres blood and our baby girl
When BM came back she was moaning that she had to have her daughter for 2 nites whilst I lay in intensive care fidgeting first my life

This is why I don’t care about what BM demand yours is obviously jealous and controlling
Go to court get it set you have the kids set days when DP can have them that way it has to legally stay that way.

Some women really don’t deserve children and should never of been blessed

Put your foot down NOW don’t be like me and be walked all over in the end it makes you bitter xx

@meme70 omg I'm so so sorry to hear that. That's horrific. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I can't even begin to imagine it.
I cant believe she would act like that after you've nearly died and lost your babies. How insensitive, especially complaining that she had to look after her kids for 2 nights.
It does make you bitter doesn't it? I don't want to live my life being bitter. Like I say I'm taking all your advise on board and I'm thankful for all of you taking time out of your day to drop me some advise. I won't ignore it. It truly does put everything in perspective.

When you have your baby you will be more naturally protective and your baby will come first it’s normal.
I feel for your own sake and your DP get a court order when he can have the kids. If he works a lot and has to work away then you shouldn’t be having the children I don’t care what anyone says on here they come see their dad pointless if he’s not even there.
Seems BM has got her ex exactly where she wants him and you DP has got you where he wants you.
Do not feel guilty or bullied into doing above and beyond I have and I tell you eventually you will snap and say no more.

Thankyou for your kind works I have older daughters our twins were our only children as my age and it was too dangerous to try again.
Some BMs are jealous just stand up for yourself you owe DP and BM nothing and anything you do for your SK is from love for your DP xx

His ex is being ridiculous she cannot make him have the DC.

He can just day I will have them Monday morning until he goes to work Thursday and that's it. If she takes him to court and his asks for that to fit in with his work rota they will side with him.

If he has them 50:5O then she won't be main carer anymore!

Your DP either sorts out childcare for Tuesdays or you can choose to do it.

I think I have it right that his days off are Mon and Wednesday?

Yeah theyre his days off at the moment, which I do understand dont benefit the kids at all, but he still has them say on a Thursday night, Friday night and a sat night Or he'll do the Monday and Wednesday night and another night. If he has them on a sat night, I've been having them nearly every Sunday through the day until he finishes work and then takes them home. I was told this is because she was at work.. But later came to hear (when he tripped up) that she'd been out all day..or having a rest.. So I went off it because he's not even here it's just me playing babysitter.
I've since had this discussion with him the other night and completely taken myself out of the equation now for childcare.
She won't do 50/50 because she's difficult, wants the child maitnance money AND that she likes to throw in his face that she's the primary care holder. But like I said in previous posts.. Last year there were months where we were having them 4 to 5 nights a week because she told him he had to be more flexible.
Like if she's "on call" for work, she won't have them and she'll say "you'll have to have them if I get called out to work" and it's always a last minute thing so we've never been able to settle or plan anything.
This is what I mean when I say it all revolves around her, her life and her job.. And this is what he's trying to get sorted out once this goes to court and also when the csa case worker calls him back.

She basically just wants to have her cake and eat it.

He told her if she drops the maitnance money he will happily have the kids 50/50, but she refuses. When I tell my mam about it she's actually gobsmacked. My own mam took my dad to court when me and my siblings were little to try and stop him from seeing us (long story) and my dad fought tooth and nail to see us.. And my mam was laughed out of court. The judge said "how dare you try to keep this man away from his kids".. My dad hadn't actually done anything wrong either. Point is, he only had us once a weekend.... My partner has his kids atleast 3 times a week and is terrified the judge would take her side and put him down to 1 night a week. I told him it can't happen, if anything she'd probably get a rollicking off the judge

Thing is there are a lot of school holidays so actually just fixing days Monday morning to Thursday morning or Sunday evening to Wednesday evening in the long run does benefit their relationship.

Means contact is fixed and he can sort childcare after school on Tuesdays.

Means Mon and Wed he can take them to school and pick them up plus full days together in the school holidays.

It's ridiculous for him to have them at the weekend when he is at work. She doesn't want to do shared care and wants maintenance so she will have to lump it.

He needs to make his offer and stand his ground!!! If he has them extra in the school holidays it sounds like it's more like a 50:50 arrangement anyway

Yep. This is why we need to get it sorted once and for all.. Or rather he does. He's played along to her tune for long enough when they could have had this sorted when they first seperated, but it's always been a power play. She just won't be reasonable. That's why I'd love something on paper to be like 'right grow up you can't behave like this anymore. These are your days, these are his.. This works. This is stable for the children. Everyone knows where they are. Done".. But it's just never been that easy.

So what is your DP actually going to be asking the court for? This is the bit I don’t understand - is he going to court for 50/50 when he only has Wednesdays and Thursdays off? Or is he looking for his contact to be Wednesdays and Thursdays only?
Forget all the toxicity about the ex - your DP is not in a position to look after his children full-time because of his own job as far as I understand it. So he cannot ask for residency unless he is willing and able to sort out childcare (which does not rely on you).
So the other thing which has been mentioned is 50/50 - does this also rely on you or will he put the necessary childcare in place?
Or is he asking for set times when he is off work - ie if I understand correctly, two days a week? Because with that, he will be going into court and saying yes previously I have had them 4/5 days a week but now I just want two? People go to court for more time not less.
Most importantly, what is in the best interests of the children? Because from an outside perspective, it looks like they are being passed from pillar to post here with a lot of acrimony around who looks after them and who pays.

Of course objectively speaking, none of this is your business except your DP is relying on you to make what contact he does have work (or at least he has been) whilst there is a huge amount of toxicity generated about his ex for not doing her bit to expectations (maybe justified, maybe not, but is he really better if he relies on you and has a job where he cannot look after his own DC?)

However you paint the picture, the point is that your DP has not had the boundaries in place and it is hard to see how he can in all conscience ask a court for more time if he is relying on someone else to facilitate it - so I would be very wary of expecting it all to be fine once he goes to court. I think he is already laying the groundwork for not going by saying he is worried he will get one day a week in a court order. Realistically, though, it sounds like without your help, he would be able to do two, or am I missing something?

Sorry I got the days off wrong, but the point still stands that he has two days a week off and no weekends.

The Dad wants fixed contact rather than as and when is Ex wants it often at short notice.

Obviously it makes sense for the Dad to have contact on his days off, plus another weekday when he can find paid childcare as he works weekends...

Yes but contact is not being denied, as I understand it if they have been having the children 4-5 days a week. Plus, even with a court order, the ex can still ask the DP here to have the children at short notice on ‘her’ days, because they are his children too. And there is no court going to tell her that she cannot ask the children’s father to look after them on days other than the court ordered days.

Yes she can ask but it is not ok that she refuses to allow regular fixed contact (even if it's on a rotation) it's not ok for her to insist, its not ok for her to deny contact if he tries to resolve issues with her.

It's not okay that she gets the Dad to have them more than 50% of the time, still demand maintenance and still insists on being primary carer and refuse shared care...