Looking after DPs kids all the time...

[Rhcat1]

Evening. Looking for some advice..bit of a long post but bare with me.
So I'm currently 7 months pregnant, live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and he has 2 young children to his ex wife who he has around 3-4 days/nights a week.
They've never had set days because his ex wife works different shifts/days each week but he gets the same 2 days off during the week. He keeps pushing to get one weekend off a month but its proving difficult and hes only been in the job a few months. Anyway, They tend to work out at the start of the week what days he will have them and what days she will. Some weeks this works fine, but other weeks, she will demand he have them on the days she knows he is working, and if he tells her hes working she then demands he find childcare. The issue is, he can't afford childcare, he has no family that can help either so it's always down to me. Obviously we live together and share all the bills, so basically since we first got together I'd watch the kids for him on my days off or they'd be dropped off with me for a few hours until he finished work and got home. I adore the kids and we have a great relationship but at the minute I'm exhausted, she's had loads of time off work and I've been watching them every week (sometimes running back and forwards to the toilet throwning up) with zero energy, and found out she's just sat in the house. My bf drops me off and picks me up from work as he doesn't want me getting the bus so early or late at night (I work 11 hour shifts) and the other morning the traffic was so bad, the little one was late for school as he'd dropped me off first, even though we left an hour early. This was the first and only time he was late. The ex then rang and told him he can no longer take me to work or pick me up and that I should get the bus.. Or she will send out a solicitors letter! I had to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut but the woman's constantly trying to dictate our lives. Now, I won't get into all of that right now, but I'm finding it difficult to watch the kids on my own, and when my baby is here I know I'm going to struggle with all three of them. I'm thinking, do we pay for childcare on some of the days and basically go without food shopping or get behind on bills (literally can't afford childcare) or do I suck it up, watch them on his days whilst he's at work and try not to have a nervous breakdown. She knows he has no childcare and that I look after them, and if she needs it on her days they just go to her mums house. Also does child maitnance include childcare costs?he pays csa to her too. Some advise would be nice.. Please if you're just going to lay into me, don't comment...

I suspect it will ramp up when you are on maternity leave. After all, you won’t be working and will have loads of time for others to fill up on your behalf as it suits them.

I think I'm just gunna have to start making my own plans.. I always feel guilty if I don't have the kids.. But then he doesn't seem to be bothered that I get stressed as long as someone's watching the kids. Bah.. Its all going to change.

There definitely needs to be a set agreement on childcare. No random days, all prebooked on a calendar. Legally he needs to sort that ASAP.

Then maintenance, if it's 50/50 he doesn't need to pay her anything. So again, once childcare is arranged this will be fixed.

I would tell your DP to take you out of the childcare arrangement and to sort this out with ex/legally now.

He's going to end up losing you cause of how he's not sorting anything out with his divorce

Just tell him you are available to help with childcare when you want to. If you don't want to just say what she says 'find a childminder then'. He needs to sort things with the ex. You need to sort things with him. Stand up to him and he might stand up to her.

It sounds like you’re past the point of telling him this, that and the other as PPs just said. It’s in one ear and out the other.
Time to show him you mean to put your health and your baby’s wellbeing first. Go to your mums. Rest. Physically as well as mentally.
Don’t make any major decisions just now. You are tired and emotional. See what he does. Maybe it will be the toe up the arse he needs? If you decide you are better off without him and all the drama then you do what you have to do without guilt. Those children are being failed by their parents - not you.

I'd tell this woman to go and bollox and sort her own kids and childcare out! Cheeky bitch.. and tell your partner to grow some balls while he's at it allowing her to Control your bloody life that way! I'd make plans every single weekend and sort my own life out before bowing down to that controlling cow! And as for telling him he can't take you to work 😡 Jesus some women just don't know how to move on and be happy! Really feel for you OP being heavily pregnant is so tiring and you'll want time to bond with your own baby. It's great you have a good relationship with the kiddies but they're NOT YOURS to have to keep changing your life around for . She needs a swift kick up the arse and a middle finger

@Lunalady21 love this!! You sound like me lol. I know. Tbh I have told him I would like a few days just me him and the baby when we get home with her, just so I can settle/find my feet/try and recover... But I know she will have a hissy fit if she can't drop the kids off then. I wouldn't stop them from coming, but at the same time, they fight constantly with each other all of the time, they're already arguing over who gets to hold the baby, and I don't want them fighting over her or tantrum city.. I just want a few days with my baby. She had cosmetic surgery done in December and we had the kids for her for 11 days so she could "recover", it'll be interesting to see how she acts when I get out of hospital and if she starts the whole "you only care about the new baby" shit which I'm fully expecting. I would love to stick my fingers up at her and give her a mouthful. I think she'd be gobsmacked and have no come back, but I can't. Everyone tells me not to get involved. I've already made plans next weekend so they'll have to sort it between them.

Being your first baby just having visitors sticking their two pence in will feel overwhelming .. nevermind kids arguing over who’s holding the baby.. I’m ready to have my third child and already have prewarned friends and family to wait until I ask for visitors .. had them thrust on me with my first born and I spiralled into a bad depression because I didn’t have chance to bond with my baby before he was passed around 30 odd family and strangers in a matter of hours coming out of hospital (Lived with my in-laws very over bearing MIL). I can guarantee she’ll be using the ‘you’re pushing the kids out’ bulltripe and don’t let her guilt trip you into putting up with the kids (again nothing against the kiddies you’re great with them but this is your child and you need time to adjust). She honestly sounds like a jealous vindictive shit bag really hate women like this! Lay the law down girl and stick to your guns, he should follow lead and prioritise you for a change. Really hope you get this sorted xxx

I'm more cross about your "D"P to be honest.

She is his problem and he should be shielding you.
The only others I feel sorry for are the children, who have two feckless parents who off load them onto you. Their behaviour may well be because they don't feel either parent really cares for them. They are just being used to continue arguments.

I really advise you to step away and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

I really feel for you! I also think that you need some time off with your mom to take a rest and decide on what you want to do and what you expect from the relationship. If you don't stand up for yourself, it's much easier for your boyfriend to ignore you as oppose to ignoring her.

About the kids already agruing about who will hold the baby, I was in this situation with my skids who I think were older than yours (were 11 and 15 then) and it became a competition, especially from SD who would even compete with me, as well as my older son, constantly taking the baby out of my or his arms, so it became stressful and I had to constantly watch so that she doesn't take initiative with the baby against my will. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but maybe a good idea to make sure that you're assertive enough to deal with it, because I wasn't (didn't want to destroy what I thought was a loving relationship with SD) until I couldn't stand her coming over at that time....

Honestly thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'll take it all on board. Obviously I'll not make any rash decisions, I'd love this relationship to work out because I do adore my dp and his kids, but I know I have a responsibility also to my child to make sure she's happy and getting all the love, care and peace she can coming into this world and I have to protect her at all costs, even if it means stepping away from all the drama. I do think it would take me moving out for a few weeks for him to get that kick up the arse he needs, but I spoke to his mum last night and she said she's going to pay all the solicitors fees for him so she can get this all moved along quicker and get it to family court. (she has a deep hatred for the ex wife too) very kind of her to offer to pay, I'd make sure he pays her back one day.
I know the kids are just excited but you're right, I'll have to explain that the babies not a doll and they have to listen to me.
When my cat had kittens no matter how many times I told them not to pick them up or fight over them they did.. That's why I'm nervous if they can fight over kittens and try and yank them off each other, what will they be like with the baby? I'm a huge animal lover so this stressed me out to no end worried they were going to hurt them.
They didn't, and I did snap a couple of times purely out of frustrating that they werent listening to me. They might be absolutely fine with the baby though, but I will be asking for a few days before everyone starts piling in and asking to hold her and come round.
As for DP. Yous are right, if I don't stand up for myself it makes it easier for him to keep her happy instead of me and gives her all the power.
I'll try come back and give yous an update lol wish me luck, I hope to get this all sorted out before babba arrives.

Wow, OP. That sounds tough.

What would he do if he was single/alone? Would he change his job/shifts, sort something out with ex or arrange some childcare? Just throwing it out there as everything is falling to you.

I agree that the minute you are on maternity leave they will both see you as their childcare resource. Is it possible to go to your mums for a few weeks at the start and then a few set days every week to get some rest and to stop them assuming/defaulting/taking you for granted? In other words, take yourself out of the equation.

When she says 'someone better be in at ... o'clock, just be out. Painful as it is you'll have to go to court for set times. Then all concerned will have to sort proper childcare. 50/50 ideal as no CMS but you'd probably be providing childcare whilst on Mat leave.

Just put it down to one set day a week and be done with it. Much less unsettling for the children also. Does your DH get weekends off? Could you perhaps have the kids on a Saturday night together?

@Iggypoppie he only gets a Wednesday and Thursday off work, the busiest times at work are on a weekend but he starts later on a Sunday. He usually has the kids Thurs, Friday, Sat night and I have them all day Sunday.. Sometimes they'll stay over on the Sunday night too or they'll go back to thier mums house. Through holidays this always changes though and he's expected to either find childcare at the last minute or ask me to look after them if I'm not at work.
Again every other week it's different, sometimes it'll change to a Tuesday, thur and Friday.. The thing is he doesn't want to be put down to 1 night a week as he misses them too much, he still does all the drop offs and pick ups from school on his days, and a lot of the times on hers too. I've asked him why he's picking them up or dropping them off at school on her days and he says "because I want to" which is fine, but he doesn't help uncomplicated things either. I've already started maternity this week early and told him not to tell her, really struggled watching them yesturday as was beyond tired with no energy, made sure he had a meal on the table coming in from work, told him how tired I was and that I can't watch them for much longer and hee was like "I know".. But changed the subject straight away.

@Rhcat1
That response from him when you told (not asked - quite right!) him not to tell her about your maternity leave wasn’t all that reassuring. He should have been apologising for his kids wearing you out and making you feel like he was really listening and hearing what you’re saying.
Does he know at this point you are considering moving out?

I've already told him if things don't change I'll have no other choice, but he always says "I can't even bare to think about that, I'm not going to let anyone come between me and you and the baby, it'll get better I promise. I don't want you to go anywhere."
I didn't feel like he was listening at all last night he kept changing the subject to how good he was doing at work, that's all he talks about tbh and even though I'm happy for him and proud of him that he's doing so well at the new job, I also feel like he's just not getting it about how I'm feeling. I've already told him I've made plans next weekend so it'll be interesting to see if he's actually listened when the time comes or if he asks me to look after them again. There will probably be an argument between them no doubt but I've given him enough notice to sort arrangements out. Shall just wait and see.

It sounds like he's not taking you seriously, unless you lay down the law/rules he's not going to. Be firm

I think it sounds like he’s just not coping with the chaos this woman is inflicting on all your lives so he’s just mentally shutting you down because he’s on overload getting grief every which way.
And if he feels like that, how does he think the pregnant woman and the innocent children are feeling?
Honestly OP, if I could get over there and knock some heads together for you I would take great pleasure in it. Like a physical knock to the head, not tea and biscuits

Your dp is the problem.
Yes the mother maybe causing issues but your dp is doing nothing about it but making fake promises that things will change.

Take a moment to look back at all the problems he has allowed her to cause for no reason, look back at all the issues you have experienced through this and then look back and see what ' action' and I mean actions not words or a quick call to CMS to prevent or stop this behaviour affecting you.

Because if this carries on you will be her soon enough and will be dealing with this guy who has not action about him.

Because I don't believe you and her made those dc, so why does it seem that your to are fighting about contact and money.

This is a grown arse man who has made three children and should take responsibility and act accordingly.
Op I say this as a women who's been in a very similar situation, exdp suffered from MH which meant I allowed a lot of useless behaviour because of it, but after looking back, he used it to make excuses why he couldn't be bothered to sort the situation out or actually sort his life out.
He didn't need to he had ME!

And soon enough there will be my replacement dealing and fixing and stressing about the shit he doesn't do.

Put your foot down. Write a list of what you need.
Don't think about him in this list be selfish, and if he can't act then you will see the truth.

@Graciebutterfly I absolutely agree with you. He needs a kick up the arse. I used to get so protective of him and feel sorry for him all the time but now I don't. He won't help himself and this has been going on since we met. I've already told him if I did leave his problems wouldn't go away. It would all carry on into his next relationship and he'd have TWO women to sort childcare out with. Though I'd never be like his ex. But I can't see another woman having the same patience as I've had. He dismisses it straight away saying "don't talk like that, I couldn't bare to lose you." and I'm like, well do something about it I'm bored of all this shit now.
Time will tell.

Go away for a bit OP - stay with your mum and have a mental and physical rest. Then he'll have to sort things out. H's really not listening to you.

Agree - best thing you can do is go now and make him listen.

At the moment you are falling for the ‘I can’t bare to lose you’ bollox. Listen to yourself, fretting about what’s going to happen next weekend. He has done a number on you!

Wake up! You don’t need words. You need action. Go to your mums. Like, now. Tell him if he can’t support you you’ll go to someone who will.

Go. Put your feet up. If he really loves you he will act.

step away and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Indeed. He's all talk. He needs to take responsibility for the 3 children he fathered.

He is showing you who he is, and it is highly unlikely that he will change.

Please remove yourself from all the chaos and drama and focus on your precious baby.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your advise and support 🙂 x