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Step-parenting

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Original poster

GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

174 replies

peekaboob · 29/12/2019 11:55

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

OP posts:
Palavah · 29/12/2019 14:11

If your DP doesn't want to go then just take DSS andeave DO behind - you can still fit into 2 rooms. Would DSS's grandparents or mother chip in if you really can't afford any extra for his flight?

crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 14:16

God I feel like I need to call mum and tell her to book it and I'll deal with the fallout (which when I last mentioned going to DP was not having a relationship to come back to, a statement retracted quite quickly!)

Retracted after you said you weren't going?

Youseethethingis · 29/12/2019 14:18

which when I last mentioned going to DP was not having a relationship to come back to, a statement retracted quite quickly!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

7yo7yo · 29/12/2019 14:21

Fuck me!
Can’t you see the unfairness to your own kids or do you not care???

notapizzaeater · 29/12/2019 14:22

Sorry but if he'd said that to me, I'd walk !

champagneandfromage50 · 29/12/2019 14:30

He and you have a DC which he also doesn't take to his parents house. He doesn't spend time with her and hasn't really parented her at all. Good luck when you all move into together. He hasn't had to do anything for you or your DC or his future step children and yet your selling your family home to invest in an extension at his..... I think you need to seek some counselling as you clearly haven't recovered from a difficult divorce and have set your bar low ....

FrivolousPancake · 29/12/2019 14:31

OP you are MAD to consider selling your HOME for this prick.

Wildorchidz · 29/12/2019 14:31

Don’t sell your house
You will need it

Dontdisturbmenow · 29/12/2019 14:37

If it'd been me, I would have gone, but would have looked at reducing the cost of the extension by £2k so that DSS could have gone somewhere with his dad before you all moved together. If it meant this coming out of your money, you could then agree that bills were divided 50/50. Since bills will include your three kids and his only during holidays, him paying 50/50 would more than make up the £2K after a certain time. This way, everyone benefits.

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 14:42

Latest update reveals he's an impulsive prick. Horrible thing to say to you even if he retracted it.

This is such a shame for the children who could go. Sensible parents would sit down and work out a way of managing the situation so the kids understand what's happening and why.

Give the ones who can't go along a lovely alternative treat so they know they are just as loved and valued.

Obviously this conversation is difficult to have when your manchild of a partner throws a shitfit instead of talking like an adult.

Your poor mum, she's made such a lovely gesture and had it thrown back in her face.

Do you not think it's a bit crazy to not be able to discuss this without him threatening to leave you but still expecting to be able to live in a blended household having never lived together previously?

Genuinely, I don't get how you can think it's the best option for the kids. You haven't tested living together at all and are selling up your kids home in the hope it'll all be ok. Do you really?

Aren't you worried about that, particularly now you've had first hand experience of being unable to communicate maturely even about a bloody holiday?

Dipsydoodle · 29/12/2019 14:49

I'm perplexed! You're trying to live as a blended family but the one child you actually have together is 'your responsibility' and he doesn't do much with her? Confused

Magda72 · 29/12/2019 14:53

@crochetandshit I didn't mean that shared dc gets 'left out' as a general rule but that rather this once it wouldn't matter as dc is too young to really enjoy the holiday. However op has updated that dc is very dependent on her.
@peekaboo tbh this situation sounds less & less good the more you post & I too would be very wary of selling my home at this point. I don't know the circumstances of you having a dc together & to an extent I can understand why logistically you're still living apart, but to not be able to leave your toddler (aside from the bfing) with their dad because he's not had much input raises a lot of red flags.
Take all kids, go with your dm & maybe use the time to think if you really want to get financially embroiled with this man.

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 14:54

@Dontdisturbmenow then the holiday costs me £2k which at the moment is not costing me anything.

Anyway, we've just discussed it again as he's popped over and I said mum was upset as she wants to spend time with her own grandchildren, he said toddler couldn't go. I asked him what he was going to do with her for four days and he said I wouldn't be going either.
I had coat and shoes on anyway and toddler in buggy as we were getting ready for a walk. Told him he was basically making me choose between mum and his son, he started raising his voice so I told him I was done with every other weekend revolving around his son and his mum and my mum isn't allowed to spend time on her own with her own grandchild, told him to fuck off and went out the door. Heard him shouting something then he came through door and went off in his car.
I've called my best friend and she said to stand my ground.
Thank you all. Also, for some reason I had to create a new account but can assure you all this is not a first thread troll Smile

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 15:00

Well he's really showing you who he is isn't he?

I'd be doing more than standing my ground op, I'd be putting a fuck ton of ground between us.

If your house is on the market, I would implore you to take it off.

HE THINKS HE IS IN CHARGE OF YOU

Doyoumind · 29/12/2019 15:00

I don't like to be judgemental but OP you really have got yourself a mess here. You have a toddler together but he has little to do with her and you've never lived together. You are going to sell your house to improve his, despite never having lived with him. The first thing you should be doing is renting out your homes and renting one to live in and see how it goes because this has so much potential to go tits up. I agree there is an issue with your shared DC going on holiday without her half brother.

selmabear · 29/12/2019 15:01

It's not your DC's fault if your DP and his son can't go. You'll be causing problems in the long run if you start taking opportunities away from your own children. Call your DM and tell her you've changed your mind and take your DC on holiday.

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 15:03

OP, please, please listen to us carefully. He is already telling you if you are or are not going somewhere.

He is telling you that you cannot go on holidays with your own children.

He is ordering you and telling you what you can or cannot do. With your own children. If you had a friend, and they told you that their boyfriend and them have arranged she will sell her and her children's house to put on an extension on his house, that your friend's partner takes his son to his mothers and doesn't take his other child with her, that he expects her to not going on holiday with her own children - just because he cannot provide enough to cover his son going - what would you say to her?

If your friend told you her boyfriend 'won't let' her go on holidays with her children, and said they'd have no relationship to come back to if she took her children to Disneyland - what would you say to her?

Please, please get out of this relationship now. Please don't sell your children's house from them. It sounds like they've already had so much taken from them. From your posts, he sounds like a dangerous, manipulative and controlling pig. Consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet and didn't actually combine assets with this louse. Please, please get out of this relationship now. Please.

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 15:05

Are you going to stay in this relationship and still sell the house then?

LoveSummerLife · 29/12/2019 15:05

HE decided that YOU couldn’t go?

He’s a controlling manipulative idiot.

LunchBoxPolice · 29/12/2019 15:06

Bollocks to him. Take your children on holiday with your Mum, don’t let them miss out.

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 15:09

making me choose between mum and his son

He is doing far more than that. He is making you choose between your own children and his son. He doesn't care about your children from your previous marriage. He thinks they should suffer if his own son to another woman can't go.

AdriannaP · 29/12/2019 15:12

An extra bedroom for 3 nights is 2k? I don’t believe that. Even a super amazing 5 star
Hotel in Paris you can get a room for less than that. If you want your families to blend together you find a way to take DSS. Poor boy will be crushed.
Seriously just book a cheaper Hotel, the children won’t care!

ColaFreezePop · 29/12/2019 15:13

OP this isn't about step-parenting but relationships, and you are in a relationship with a controlling man.

Please take your house of the market on Monday. Pay whatever costs you need to as you need to provide yourself and your DC a home.

Dontdisturbmenow · 29/12/2019 15:18

No it wouldn't cost you it would cost him as he would repay you by paying more of the bills. Surely the important aspect is the fact that your kids get to do things that your dss CV would love to do but can't because you can't as a coupe afford it, so the issue is about finding away for it to be afforded?

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 15:28

@AdriannaP it's the actual Disneyland hotel, with dining plan, show etc.

OP posts:
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