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Step-parenting

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Original poster

GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

174 replies

peekaboob · 29/12/2019 11:55

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 29/12/2019 11:58

I think it's really weird to be holidaying separately if you're supposed to be a blended family, to be honest.

Imtootired · 29/12/2019 12:07

Why are you living apart? How long have you been together? Do the kids get along? Seems like a very strange situation. Very sad that out of all the grown ups no one can afford an extra children’s ticket for your stepson...

Youseethethingis · 29/12/2019 12:07

It doesn’t sound like your DSS sees much of your DM or would regard her as family anyway. Would he be that shocked if a woman he barely knows treats her own daughter and grandchildren but not him?
Anyway, why can’t it be booked for a year later allowing the extra to be saved for? Would that be a possible compromise to make sure everyone’s included? I realise this would probably mean the DC under 2 would cost more to take.

Branleuse · 29/12/2019 12:10

I wouldn't turn her diwn. You do loads seperatly. If your bf who doesnt even live with you, cant afford to come, thats not your problem

EsmeeMerlin · 29/12/2019 12:14

I wouldn’t let my children miss out on a holiday tbh just because my partner and stepchild could not afford to go. It’s not as if you all live together so you do loads all separately so what difference does a couple of days away make.

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 12:15

@Imtootired We are selling my house in order to build an extension on his. It's in the near future hopefully that we'll all be together and has been in planning for a while.
DPs parents wouldn't pay for DSS to go on a trip and they are the only ones who could possibly contribute. For him and DP to go it would cost an extra £2k.

@Youseethethingis There's no way we could afford to take all kids as we'd need two rooms and for 3 nights there we could go on a beach holiday for 10 days. Either way, there isn't a holiday, abroad or here that we can't afford in the next few years due to moving.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/12/2019 12:15

His dm doesnt even invite your lot for lunch, yet your mum is supposed to pay for his kid?

Dipsydoodle · 29/12/2019 12:15

I don't see the problem with going?

Dipsydoodle · 29/12/2019 12:18

Maybe DP and DSS could do something else instead just the two of them when you're away anyway. Like a theme park or something.

Winterdaysarehere · 29/12/2019 12:21

You aren't a blended family yet. Holiday alone with your dc.
Or they will resent their step siblings imo...

SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2019 12:22

He isn’t her Grandchild, he is someone she hardly ever sees, who has his own Grandparents. You don’t live with your boyfriend yet, you aren’t married, why would she have to pay for all of you, rather than just treat her daughter and grandchildren ?

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 12:23

@Branleuse I have mentioned the lunch before and how it will stop when we are living together and he won't be trotting off to his mums for a roast every other week.

@EsmeeMerlin That's how I feel but DSS would be crushed if he found out they'd gone without him, especially his half-sister.

@Dipsydoodle DP hates theme parks which is why it kills me to turn this down as he wouldn't enjoy it anyway. DSS wouldn't be with him during the time we would be away anyway.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/12/2019 12:24

I really hope to god your boyfriend has told you not to be silly and to enjoy the time with your mum

zasknbg · 29/12/2019 12:25

You and your mum could easily have 5 kids with you on a Disney holiday. Her in one room with 2 of your kids and you in another room with the other 3 kids. Your dp doesn’t want to go anyway.

I can’t see how 2 adults and 4 kids versus 2 adults and 5 kids necessitates another room. It doesn’t. 2 rooms will accomodate 6 people or 7 people. The extra cost would just be tickets for one child?

Have I misunderstood?

zasknbg · 29/12/2019 12:27

Disney is such an emotive thing to kids. I would think that yes relationships would be damaged when your dss finds out that his half sibling and 3 step siblings all went but not him.

Wildthyme · 29/12/2019 12:27

You're selling your house to pay to update his house? Are you out of your mind?

You want your name on the deeds and mortgage if you think that this is a good idea. Even then you'll probably end up out on your arse with nothing to show for it but 4, possibly 5 distraught children.

Dipsydoodle · 29/12/2019 12:28

We are selling my house in order to build an extension on his

NOOOOOOO. This is a horrendous idea. Will you be on deeds? Mortgage? How are you protecting your money? Are you getting married first?

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 12:29

@zasknbg me,DM,3 kids and DC in travel cot can all fit in one room. DSS and DP coming would mean another room which she can't afford and neither can DP.
She wants to go to the best hotel as it'll be her only time to do it. Cost wise it's an extra £2k.

OP posts:
titchy · 29/12/2019 12:29

How do you expect your respective families to see you as a family unit when they see their biological grandchildren weekly, and their dc's step children once or twice a year? Confused

You're NOT a family unit. You don't even live together. Take your dm's kind offer and go ffs. Presumably your dss has his own mother and her parents for holidays and Sunday lunches.

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 12:32

@Wildthyme I'll be going on the deeds and we'll get married prior to extension bricks being laid. I've told him I'm not fighting for what is mine again if it all goes tits up like it did with ex-h.
Won't be a fancy wedding, just me and him and witnessed. He knows it's for admin purposes and we do have a proper wedding planned in a couple of years time.
I'll make sure I am financially protected this time around as I've worked hard to keep and maintain my house.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 29/12/2019 12:33

Sorry this is harsh but the way i see it is your kids miss out for your life choices.
And why can’t the dinners stop now if they will stop when you move in together?
And seeing your house to pay for an extension on his??

7yo7yo · 29/12/2019 12:33

*selling

Dipsydoodle · 29/12/2019 12:33

Whew

LoveSummerLife · 29/12/2019 12:37

I agree with all the points made by others, I think it’s unfair that your kids would have to miss out on a holiday that they would love with their grandma.
I think it’s sweet that your mum even tried to figure out a way to pay an extra 2k for your stepson considering she hardly see’s him.
Unfortunately things like this sometimes happen and you’ll have to explain to your stepson that they have different grandparents who are able to offer different things to their grandkids.
But is there any way you can manage so you wouldn’t need an extra hotel room?
If your partner feels negatively about his son missing out then it’s up to him (or both of you together) to find the money to fund his son going, certainly not your mum’s responsibility.

Aragog · 29/12/2019 12:40

You could easily change the accommodation. Disney is definitely one of the places you don't need the most expensive hot. The idea is you spend the whole time out and about at the theme parks you pay so much for or maybe in the pool. A fancy room just isn't needed.

I've done Disney in expensive hotels, cheaper hotels and villas over the past 15 years. The hotel is definitely one area you can save.

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