GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

[peekaboob]

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

I'd still go. Your parents don't hardly see dss. DPs parents don't see your dc.
You're not a blended family.
I'd go

I think it's totally reasonable for your mum to want that experience
Your dp sounds like a sulking arse of a manchild.
Don't sell your house op

I do think you are being unfair now. You'd ready turn her down and now you are changing your mind and trying to make him feel guilty for the decision you'd already taken.

I think that your mum is not helping putting pressure on you by playing the poor grandma who deserves s holiday with her grandchildren but not prepared to take them on their own. She doesn't seem to appreciate or care that her selfish wishes are putting pressure on your partnership.

I did propose a compromise that would be fair on everyone though, so it's up to you to propose options 7nless what you really want is to go with your mum but with no guilty conscience and putting the blame on your partner.

AdriannaP even if the thread hadn't moved on, the GM has chosen the destination and is paying for everything so it would not be for op to start changing everything because her selfish prick has thousands for a hobby but can't afford to pay for his child to gate crash a trip he hasn't actually been invited on.

Funnily enough, one of the shared children in my marriage has been to Disneyland and another big theme park in the uk multiple times while 2 have been to neither.
Nobody was "crushed"

I'd have gone. You don't actually live together as yet so not a blended family at this time.

If the only way that dss can go on this trip is for op to sell her house, then that is fucking ridiculous.

Read the thread now. WTF have you been thinking OP? I am enraged for your children! You're stepping up now thank goodness. Stay strong. You're totally in the right.

Oh lord. OP, there is absolutely no way I would turn this down. These are the trips where memories of a lifetime are made! Your children will remember and cherish this trip forever. And bless your mum for offering to do this.

These trips cost an arm and a leg and no, I’m sorry, but if no adult on your DP’s side can afford this then you go, with your children. End of. I cannot believe you are considering not taking your children for a child (bluntly) who is not related to your mum.

And if your last update is correct (you won’t have a relationship to come back to), please think long and hard before progressing this relationship. Your DP has given you a very nasty ultimatum that is based in control/ jealousy.

I take my children away (just the 4 of us) on trips that my DP can not afford with his children. I make no apology for it. And if he ever gave me an ultimatum? He wouldn’t have a relationship to make that ultimatum within.

I would also think long and hard before selling your house to move in with this man. Have you taken any legal advice before taking this step?
Have you pre agreed / signed a co-habitting agreement before taking this step? Have you both done full financial disclosure to one another?

Let me make it clear, your negotiation power is at it strongest now. Whilst you are in your own home and financially stable and independent from this man. Do you know for example if he has any borrowing against his house? Is he financially stable and if you split up, can he afford to give you his equity back? (If he cant afford $2k for the trip of a lifetime for his son then I am hazarding the answer is no).

If you sell your house and plow your equity into doing an extension on his house. His house will increase in value. If you split up, on top of your equity, what % of the additional value on the property is yours? Given it is 100% of your equity that has increased the value? Have you discussed these terms? With lawyers? Has he agreed to them and signed anything?

I’m sorry but you seem wholly naive. And I cannot believe that you are selling your house to live with a man and a child whom you have never done this with. You may think the children will be fine but the reality of fulltime blending is far more complex than you think. How do your children feel about their home being sold?

If I was ever to live with my DP, iron clad agreements would be signed. One of us would rent our home to live with the other. And if after a period of 6-18 months everyone had adjusted, we would maybe look to get a property together. But there is no chance I would ever sell my house to move in with my partner. My home (and the equity) is my stability and future for my children. And they come first.

Your boyfriend is a selfish man. Why should you mum pay to take his son on holiday - she barely knows him. Would his mum treat you and your three children To a holiday, when she won’t even pull up a few extra chairs for Sunday dinner?

His son doesn’t live with you, he doesn’t live with you. I don’t think it would seem odd to the child if you and your children go on holiday with your mum. She’s not his grandparent, he barely knows her, so he can’t expect her to treat him to an expensive holiday.

Also, seriously rethink your relationship with this man. He sounds awful.

If you are going to Disneyland Paris dont easte your money on the Disney hotel. We stayed at Seqoia lodge at night expense and litters got up and out for 8 am and then collapsed in our beds for 10.30 pm we didn't see any of the hotel!

So @peekaboob are you reassessing the relationship in general and the house sale plan? Or still think it's a good idea to stay together?

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I'd be doing more than standing my ground op, I'd be putting a fuck ton of ground between us.

About 6 feet ought to do it.

Seriously though op, he is telling you exactly what he demands from you.
Your children cannot if his cannot.
You cannot.
He can do whatever he likes with his time and money.
You will provide.
You will look after your joint dc.

I'd be interested to know how much actual parenting he does of his older child independent of you and his mum.

Personally I think it's a recipe for disaster when people in a blended family expect everyone in their wider family to treat them exactly the same, and quite cheeky as well. It's a choice made by the parents alone, it doesn't effect other people's natural familial bonds.

The children interact with their sets of grandparents largely separately, so surely they are aware they have different family members? She barely knows them, surely they feel the same about her?

I would not hold your children back from an experience they are unlikely to otherwise have, especially while you don't live together and are effectively two different households.

Also, he is not your step son and your mother is not his grandparent (biological or non biological). You aren’t married to his dad and you don’t live with his dad. He is your boyfriend’s son.

There are more red flags here than Soviet Russia

He's done you a massive favour op.

He's reveled, before you sold your children's home to make his house bigger, that he's a controlling dick. Now you can get out before you're tied in my marriage and bricks.

If you are going to Disneyland Paris dont easte your money on the Disney hotel. We stayed at Seqoia lodge at night expense and litters got up and out for 8 am and then collapsed in our beds for 10.30 pm we didn't see any of the hotel!

I do agree with this but only @peekaboob if your Mum doesn't mind.

My DM generously paid for us all to go to Disneyworld earlier this year. We stayed in a villa due to room logistics with my son who has ASD.... but we were hardly there

Go on the trip. You really need to have a long think about whether to move in with him. He's shown you what a controlling bully he is now, so if I were you I wouldn't be so quick to sell the house.

That escalated quickly. You’ve had some excellent advice here OP. Time to take a long hard look at the situation you’ve got yourself and your children in and who benefits from the changes you’re planning. From my POV it’s him, and possibly his son. Not you, not any of your kids. Don’t marry him. Don’t risk the roof over your heads for him.

Op you need to think long and hard here, this trip would be a memory you, your mother and your children cherish forever. I still remember every detail of my trip with my parents there and it was a long time ago ! Whereas from the signals you are getting from your partner your relationship may last very long anyway.

You don’t want to make your mother and children miss out over something that may quite frankly be nothing in a few years time. I know it’s hard but think of the bigger picture, your world can not just revolve around this man and his tantrums!

My dss goes on around 4 holidays a year whilst my children have never been away, get away with your children and enjoy, as much as you try to make everything equal it can't always be that way and your children deserve a holiday

I'm going, it's all booked. We are telling the kids this coming weekend.

When we saw each other again he said he was wrong, how his son had been in at him to go there and for my lot to go there again (they last went last year with their dad) would upset him. But he was wrong to deny my kids the chance to go with mum.
I said about the lunches, what a PP said, how our child is never invited to lunch and yet he expected his son to be invited on an all expenses holiday by someone he sees a couple of times a year. I also said how she's not bothered about seeing toddler with her older brother unless I instigate and arrange it. And how every other weekend has to revolve around what his son wants to do (hobby) or what his mum wants to do (lunch) and my kids are stuck at home each weekend they're with me now because we always have a toddler in tow and can't do what they enjoy (we had merlin passes until she was born). I said they deserve this, they are the ones who are affected by having her in our lives, whereas for his son his life has improved as everyone is so conscious to make him feel he is not left out. And how I deserve to have something nice. I asked what would happen when we live together regarding the lunches and he said they'd come to us and he would cook. He's never cooked for me yet and anyway he's missing the point there but I'll address that another time.
He now has his son until Monday so I won't get the chance to talk to him before then.
Thank you all for your input, it helped greatly.