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Original poster

GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

174 replies

peekaboob · 29/12/2019 11:55

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 30/12/2019 15:15

Thanks for the update @peekaboob, glad to hear you and DP have had a chance to reflect and work things out.
I hope you, your kids and DM have a ball on this trip!

choli · 30/12/2019 15:25

We are selling my house in order to build an extension on his. It's in the near future hopefully that we'll all be together and has been in planning for a while.
I'd say theme park holidays are the least you should be worried about.

crochetandshit · 30/12/2019 15:30

I'm really pleased that you're going op.

I won't lie though, I think selling your house as planned would be crazy.

He may have realized you won't back down on this occasion, but at this point you still hold A LOT of cards.
You won't be able to walk away so easily once you are living together.

QueenOfTheFae · 30/12/2019 16:07

I think that you would be crazy to sell your house and extend his, it will always be his house - I also think that you should go, and if he wants to send his son, he can divert some of his hobby funds

he said toddler couldn't go. I asked him what he was going to do with her for four days and he said I wouldn't be going either. THIS!! this is a warning sign and you should listen to it!

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 16:16

What's your plan to address the bigger issues OP?

Are you confident that you selling up and moving in together is still the right decision?

It seems like you aren't naturally on the same page with some pretty important issues and you haven't even tried living together before!

Wouldn't you rather have higher costs in the short term to test out living as a blended family, rather than literally selling your home and building on his one. What if you are unhappy living together and want out?

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/12/2019 16:37

Sorry op,

He's keeping you sweet, because he's relying on you selling your house for his extension. He won't be so nice once your under his roof.

Ide seriously reconsider all your future plans regarding him

katewhinesalot · 30/12/2019 16:55

I can see why he got upset on behalf of his son who would love to go. I'm pleased he realised that he was being unrealistic though.
I don't think he's the calculating monster people are making him out to be. I think he was just seeing it from his sons perspective.

Make sure that things are watertight financially and legally and get your dp to step up in looking after his dd more. Good luck.

BigChocFrenzy · 30/12/2019 17:13

"He's keeping you sweet, because he's relying on you selling your house for his extension.
He won't be so nice once your under his roof"

Yep
Take your house off the market
and PAUSE for reassessment

This is his "best" behaviour, because you haven't yet handed over your house to finance his extension.
But so many red flags already

Look how he is treating you and your son

Do you really know everything about his finances, equity, any old debt ?

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2019 17:30

I don't think he's the calculating monster people are making him out to be. I think he was just seeing it from his sons perspective.

I don't know - it's perfectly natural that he should be thinking his son would have enjoyed the trip too and feel worried for him but to say "you won't be going either", whilst fully aware she had every intention of going, is a very controlling and passive aggressive thing to say, and almost threatening. He is asserting that he feels he has the final say over her actions, before they even live together (not that that would ever be ok).

It is not his concern for his son that is the problem, it his actions around that.

crochetandshit · 30/12/2019 17:44

I don't think he realised he was being unrealistic, I think he realised he doesn't have everything he needs from op just yet.

Ginger1982 · 30/12/2019 17:59

Glad you've got it sorted but I'm still bemused as to the whole situation, particularly that you thought it a good idea to bring another child into it all before other things were sorted.

FraglesRock · 30/12/2019 22:37

Perhaps another thread about the legalities re selling your house and adding value to his might clear your thoughts.
There's a wealth of info on here and there'll be things you haven't thought of.

And you need to address how family time will work when you blend so that everyone, not just your son gets time.

Original poster
peekaboob · 31/12/2019 00:19

Thank you @FraglesRock I will ask in legal for advice. I agree it's a complicated situation.

This thread has certainly given me food for thought. Mood was subdued when he came to see toddler at bath time. He's staying over with his son tomorrow so maybe we'll get to talk then.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 31/12/2019 00:40

So he doesn’t cook or parent your shared child? He can’t discuss holidays rationally without threatening to leave you. He spends money on a hobby leaving nothing for holidays. Why are you moving your children to live with him?

Ringsender2 · 31/12/2019 00:45

I think you're dead right to not go until DSS can also go. Well done for being an empathetic and considerate SM

Ringsender2 · 31/12/2019 00:50

Sorry, I read first 2 pages then posted. I can see it's moved on a lot! I still think it shows your thoughtfulness

CalleighDoodle · 31/12/2019 00:53

Theres a lot of plans of what will happen. This is all smoke.
What is he actually already doing? Judge him on that.

alexdgr8 · 31/12/2019 00:54

stop. think.. consider. your children have already been disrupted in their young lives. do not get any more entangled with this man.
surely you can see the red flags. he's telling you what you will be doing, already; and suddenly he can and will cook for his DM but not for lesser mortals like you and other children....
and all your weekends must bend to his will.
you are an obviously intelligent woman.
please pause. ? can't see the wood for the trees... maybe..
what do your parents think.
do you listen to the archers... about 2-3 yrs ago...how gradual it was

CalleighDoodle · 31/12/2019 00:55

It sounds like all the compromises are being made by you and your children and his life is staying the same, and his home improving.

He sounds like a shit father to the toddler. Does he cook for his son? Or does his mother always do it? As that will tell you what he thinks of women.

Branleuse · 31/12/2019 11:08

I know its irrelevent to your question , but I really think you should reconsider selling your house when you guys have never lived together. This is your kids inheritance youre gambling with.
Having holidays together is not the same as living togerherr

Original poster
peekaboob · 31/12/2019 11:35

@CalleighDoodle Yes, all compromises are currently from my side. His life has not changed since she was born, mine has in every way possible.

He doesn't cook for his son, no. Takeaway pizza upon pick up, takeaway with all of us on the Saturday and roast dinner on the Sunday. School holidays, his son is usually looked after by nan so she feeds him and puts some by for DP when he collects him.

He didn't raise his son at all, worked mostly then she left when son was 2, they'd been together less than 3 years.

He comes over for DD bath most nights but has never put her to bed, she does feed to sleep though and refused the bottle when she got older. If we have a sitter I feed her then she plays with sitter until she is sleepy (I really need a sleep consultant and will look into it after her op)
Isn't around in the mornings as doesn't stay over because of his dog. Caught him feeding her whole grapes on Boxing Day. So yes, you could say he's a shit parent. Yes, I give him too much slack but have been pushing back lately. On the back of what PPs have said in this thread I did send a ranty text last night about how I feel. I realise I must give the impression of being a doormat but I can assure you I'm not. I manage all his business's finances and admin - my ex-h hid money and it taught me how people do it. As I've said before, I will make sure we are married before living together. If we did split up I would financially be better off as I have contributed to business turnover doubling and will significantly contribute to increasing value in his house. I'm not doing this on a whim.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 31/12/2019 11:47

@peekaboo - I'm honestly not meaning to be rude here but what do you see in this man? He's not helping you, he's not helping your dd & he doesn't (by your admission) parent his ds. You're ruining every aspect of both your lives with no help.
WHY would you marry him?

Youseethethingis · 31/12/2019 11:57

Thanks @Magda72. I was debating whether to ask the same thing. From what OP has said so far he doesn’t seem to be much of a catch.

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 12:18

So you're moving your kids out of their home to live with someone you yourself describe as a "shit parent" who has made no compromises for the relationship or prospect of a blended family at all.

Read your last post back. What in gods name are you thinking?!

Your poor children.

Magda72 · 31/12/2019 12:29

For ruining read running!
Bloody predictive!

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