GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

[peekaboob]

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

Does he pay you for managing his business? Are you a shareholder in it? Why do you think you'd be better off if you split? You wouldn't be entitled to his business unless you own part of it? Without you managing how long would it be before turnover dropped off again? How would you get the money you put into his house back?

If you are committed to staying in this relationship then I second the advice to rent out both your homes and rent a place to live together for a year. (Or heck, even rent a house for a week during term time and live together during real life, not on vacation.) I think the truth about what living with this man will be like won't take that long to see.

It sounds like he talks a good game but has nothing to show for it. Will cook a meal for all of you (you, him, your three kids, shared kid, dss and his parents - 8 people?!) When he's never cooked before? Yeah right.

His first wife left because he didn't participate in family life. What exactly is he showing you with your shared DD to indicate he will be different with you?

He wants a cook, skivvy and shag partner who brings equity to expand his house while doing all the drudge work. What are you getting exactly?

I'm not sure you see it op, but your latest update is worse !

To marry a man before living with him and seeing him interact with your children for months on end, doing the daily grind and investing your time in his business...!

Does he pay you for this??

Your kids deserve better than this man in their life, if you don't think you do.
It will be much harder to move away if you give him your house for an extension.
With so much to lose and finances in the mix I'd have to be pretty sure, we'd be together for life, and your relationship doesn't sound like it will last, sorry.

I'd be REALLY interested in what his ex has to say about him. I bet that would be pretty eye-opening.

We can't rent a house together, he needs his house for his work as it has a specific type of workshop.

Both his ex-wife and mother of his son (different people) are still on good terms with his family and he has an ok relationship with his sons mum. They both say they were incompatible from the start but tried to make it work when their son came along early in the relationship. Him and ex's new partner used to go together to hobby and we've all been together to related events.

Yes he pays me for the work I do separately from half the nursery fees. He pays for one of my kids to participate in the expensive hobby.

Good points: same sense of humour. We grew up together. He does house maintenance. He has friends that have been around for 20+ years.

I gave him too much slack is not a good excuse for his shit parenting. Because good parents don't need to be told to parent by their partners.

Your children deserve better than this man.

Good points: same sense of humour. We grew up together. He does house maintenance. He has friends that have been around for 20+ years.

I could say the same about my brother. This doesn't sound like a relationship, it's an arrangement of convenience for him and someone not too bad for you.

You say he's on good terms with exes but you also say he's a shit dad. It doesn't really matter if his exes think he's ok if you know he is a shit dad to his kids.

You can't rent together because he needs xyz.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I hope you have a good lawyer.

When you step back and consider everything, do you think this move is honestly the best thing for your children's happiness and stability?

Those aren't good points, that's just a description.
OP, please stop being so green. This business help you give, is he employing you properly, legally with HMRC because if he isn't you haven't contributed to his business and would get zilch from this side if you split, married or not.
So a solicitor told me, when me and dh set up our business. Are you a director with 50% share?

"So yes, you could say he's a shit parent."

Why in God's name did you have a child with him?

OP, why haven't you told him it's over already? Seriously people are telling you that you should run for the hills, and not look back! Because he apologised, you're going to stay with him aren't you? You children (which you have barely even talked about on here) will have to lose their home, all because their mum is 'dickmatised' by some deadbeat loser who has never cooked you a meal (most men do that within the very early dating) and doesn't cook for his son, is extreme selfish to the extreme and who has no steady dependable job and squanders thousands on a hobby instead of building an extension that he could have at least partly funded by now. Do you not see that we've been trying to get you dump this loser and save your childrens home? You really think you take care of all of his finances? Who are you kidding here? You honestly trust him enough that you don't know that he more than likely (I'd bet a year's salary on it) keeps money aside that you don't know about?

I don't understand why you haven't told that lowlife deadbeat to get to the far side of F. Permanently. Full stop. Is anything going to make you see reason? Is his dick gold-plated? Because otherwise I cannot see why you would put such useless deadbeat rubbish above your own children and their home.

It's a new year. Start it off right. You can do so much better than that bit of whatever.

He does house maintenance.

So he is a self-employed house maintenance person. Not much future in that.

He has friends that have been around for 20+ years.

So did Fred West. So do many, many, many people. In fact, I'd wager that 99% of people do.

So, you have someone that is 'self-employed' as a handyman, who won't cook you a meal, won't cook for his son, is barely interested in his child with you, didn't want you to spend time with your own children to another man, tells you what you are doing, and shouts and leaves when you dare to put your children first. And, who can't even afford to put an extension on his own home - despite pouring thousands into his hobby, when you have made (or rather, your children have made) all the concessions. And yet, despite all of that, and everyone here, you are saying you will 'get legal advice', instead of saying what any normal woman would say "it's over!"

His penis is gold-plated, isn't it? It must be, because any other normal self-respecting woman would have broken up with him by now.

An easier way of thinking about it OP - do you genuinely believe your plan of action is one that's putting your children first and is in their best interests?

Theres a reason his ex left he was useless father then and is now. You would be an idiot to put all you're eggs in one basket. I guarantee the reality if living together you're relationship wont last, he sounds beyond selfish. Pleased to see you're going.

Putting aside that he’s a bit of a shit parent -

Since you have 4 kids living with you permanently and he has 1 living with him occasionally, surely it’s preferable for the greatest number of children for him to move in with you and put an extension on your house if necessary? His son wouldn’t even be with you most of the time, so although there’ll be disruption for him his main living arrangements will be staying the same.

If you’re moving to his because of his workshop attached to the house, then you’re prioritising his best interests over that of your children’s.

OMG. The more I read about this the more concerned I become for your children. Unfortunately if he is on the birth certificate of your youngest child then he can stop you taking them out of the country.
To threaten that there may be no relationship to come back to if you go is beyond vile. If you give in then every time he thinks he is not going to get his own way he will come out with this. But next it will be "I will change the locks cos it's my house." Obviously that will not be the case but he will try.
Please do not sell your house and please read again what Sassbott said. They have this exactly right.

As I've said before, I will make sure we are married before living together
Why oh why would you consider marrying a man you think so little of? And talking about how you'd be better off if you then separated is really not on.

You are clearly resenting him over many things, so just separate now. You both deserve better.

We can't rent a house together, he needs his house for his work as it has a specific type of workshop

Can you rent out your house and move in and see if it works before merging your finances?

Does he financially support the child you jointly have together?

This is all so weirdly hung up on theme park holidays.

If your Mum can’t afford the extra £2k, should she be spending her savings on expensive theme park hols in the first place?

There are so many other ways to enjoy holidays and for your Mum to spend precious times with her Gc and family.

Concentrate on what matters: theme parks are a ‘nice to have’ but a red herring here.

Sorry; accidentally missed out some pages.

OP: good that you are going on the holiday.

I do think there are things to think about.

In addition to your shared Dc you have 3 Dc to house and be responsible for. He has one, for a minority of the time.

This means that the risk rating is nowhere near equal.

Has he ever lived full time in a house with your 4 kids and his Dss? It’s very different from the life he currently lives. How well does he even know your older Dcs given the Saturday and Sunday arrangements?

The fact that his house is his workspace also makes it v tricky if you needed to split and extract your share. His options would be to buy you out (mortgage issues) or sell and lose his livelihood.

Would it not be best to leave living together until all the kids have grown?

Have you thought about wills? How any inheritance for your elder Dc will be affected if you marry?

Moving into his, even as a trial whilst I rented my house out would not work because there is not enough bedrooms for us all and there is a clause in my divorce that states should I cohabit then the family home must be sold.

He cannot live with me because he has the land and workshop required to do his job. He is not a handyman, by saying he does house maintenance, I meant mine. He has large customer vehicles that need to be worked on and I do not have the land to do so.

He does contribute to nursery and takes my son on the hobby.

I do hear what you are all saying, I do. 6 years we've been together, kids have known him longer than they haven't. This side of him they've not seen but you're all right, it may ramp up.
We still haven't managed to talk about Sunday and I'm aware it's critical that we do so but his son is with him until Sunday.

All this because my mum wanted to treat me and my kids.

So he contributes to nursery fees but not living costs?

All this because my mum wanted to treat me and my kids.

All this because you are both jumping into an incredibly precarious situation that is not in the best interests of your children's security and happiness.

I hope you manage to talk about things and to be honest slow the pace of the move. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and I really feel for your kids.