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Step-parenting

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Original poster

GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

174 replies

peekaboob · 29/12/2019 11:55

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 29/12/2019 12:41

Could you bring DSS without your DP?

LoveSummerLife · 29/12/2019 12:41

Your partner has said several times he wouldn’t enjoy that kind of holiday so I’d have no issue leaving him behind considering the extra cost of bringing him. So it’s only your stepson you’d have to find extra money for.

crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 12:42

Your poor mum is missing out on her grandchildren enjoying a break with her for a man who doesn't want to go and a child that is unrelated to her who wouldn't be missing time with his parent?

OP I have a blended family.
We have had day trips with one kid, 2 kids, 3 kids.
Weekends away with one kid, 2 kids, 3 kids.
Holidays in uk with one kid, 2 kids, 3 kids.
Holidays abroad with one kid, 2 kids, 3 kids.
Sometimes the adult has been the biological parent, sometimes not, sometimes both and sometimes we've both been with any combination of children.
All children are now older teens and are happy and secure.

Not all families do everything together at all times even without the added issue of different parents and sdc in the mix.

NataliaOsipova · 29/12/2019 12:51

His dm doesnt even invite your lot for lunch, yet your mum is supposed to pay for his kid?

This was my thought too!

Blended family dynamics can be very tricky and there are times when it would be quite unconscionable to leave out one child. But this doesn’t strike me as one of them, given that you don’t be live with your DP and his son and there is already a strong precedent set for doing things separately and with your “own” grandparents.

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 12:55

If DSS came it would be an extra room needed. At the moment it's me,DM 3 kids and toddler. DM would also not feel comfortable even if there was room for him in the one room for privacy reasons.

I thought I was doing the right thing by turning it down for DSS feelings (and DPs need to deal with the fallout). Now I'm doubting myself.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/12/2019 12:59

Ive got a horrible feeling for you OP, that you are putting a lot into building a fantasy family already, when youve never even lived together. His own family meals with his parents will stop and you already cant take your kids awY because he doesnt want to go?

Whose benefit is this for?

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 12:59

Sorry but it seems such a mess. Surely you can both buy a bigger home together by selling both homes, and buy a larger one without even needing extensions? It sounds like you both are not truly committed and are complicating things that don't need to be complicated.

You're not even a proper family, so why should your boyfriend's son care? You don't live together, you are not a family, you are nothing to him. You're just the woman his father dates. It really is none of your boyfriend's or his son's business where you and your family (ie you and your DC) go. It has nothing to do with him. Nor should GM pay for some strange kid she doesn't know that has nothing to do with you or your kids.

You are acting like he is your DSS and you are family. Do you really believe your boyfriend will build an extension on his home, when you sell yours? Really? Or that he will marry you? You are setting you and your DC up to be homeless. There is no....need to build an extension on (which takes a very long time, believe me I've been through it, you may not even be in there until 4 years later). You sell BOTH your homes and buy a LARGER HOUSE. It is so much simpler. You are making yourself homeless for a relationship that likely won't even survive to the move in stage. His son is a red herring and it shows that you are thinking about trivial things about your boyfriend's kid who has nothing to do with you, rather than seeing the financial mess you are walking right into, in front of you. Please snap out of it and worry about real things. Not inviting someone else's kid to some theme park. Your priorities are back to front, and I feel for your children.

champagneandfromage50 · 29/12/2019 13:05

So You happen to have a DC together. He lives elsewhere and has a DSS. He sees his own parents with the DSS for lunch and your not invited to due to lack of space which I assume includes his shared DC with you?

Take your DC on holiday with there GM. I would also ask you to rethink selling your home to pay for an extension on his. As if it all falls apart it will be you and your DC on the street . Even if you do protect what you put in it can take a long time to sort out the legalities. Why would you put your DC and yourself in this situation? Your DP happily goes to his own parents for Sunday lunch with his DSS leaving you all and hasn't insisted this changes to ensure your all part of it. I can't see it ending very well

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 13:08

@SarahNade We are already in the planning application process. It is the most cost effective way of living together given we are both self employed so mortgages are tricky for us. My equity pays for the extension outright with no more money needed. We could sell his house and do the same to mine but his has land required to complete his work.
We have DSS every school holiday, every other weekend. Him and my DS share a hobby with DP and he has spent a few thousand so far on it for them both. He is very much integrated into our lives.
As well as a marriage we will also be seeing a solicitor to ensure financial equity takes place.

OP posts:
SarahNade · 29/12/2019 13:09

I agree with a PP. Your children are suffering because their mother (you) has a messy life with a boyfriend (not even partner), and you have no DSS. He is your boyfriend's kid. Seriously, I'd end the relationship with your boyfriend and get your life back on track. Your children are suffering because of you and your boyfriend, your imaginary 'blended family' that doesn't even exist yet, for a house that lets be honest, most likely will not get to the extension stage. You and your boyfriend are messing everyone about. You seem to be living in fantasy world, and not reality. You are pretending you are all one big family. You are not a family at all. You have a family. You and your DC. Please concentrate on them.

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 13:11

Cross-posted with your last post OP. I still think you are living in a fantasy, OP. Sorry. Hey I hope I'm wrong. But I don't think I am. I think your children are sacrificing holiday happiness for something that isn't going to eventuate.

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 13:13

Good luck and wishes regardless, and I really do hope it works out for you all and you all move in together.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 13:19

Would you have done the same?

Heck no, I would have gone on the holiday.

crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 13:21

We have DSS every school holiday, every other weekend. Him and my DS share a hobby with DP and he has spent a few thousand so far on it for them both. He is very much integrated into our lives

You don't live together.
Your dp has his son eow and school holidays.
Your dp prioritises THOUSANDS on a hobby and yet you need to sell your home to fund an extension of his and give up holidays for your dc.

LittleTinselTown · 29/12/2019 13:24

There's no way I would turn that down when you're not even living together. Your kids will miss out, DP would hate it anyway and his son barely even knows your DM. You're not a blended family.

Butterfly02 · 29/12/2019 13:27

When I had a partner I struggled with this side of things because dsd got 'treats' at both mum and dads my dc did not (as they only had my family) we always had to wait for dsd to do anything special, dsd always got more spent on her (because she was from a broken home and guilt crept in), even though she got from both sides she ended up being a spoilt brat because where ever she was mum/ dad would give give give. My dc saw straight through this and saw the unfairness of what was going on because dsd didn't live full time with dad. It shouldn't be that your dc miss out on things every time because stepchildren have to be involved as this will just bring resentment from your dc. All the children need to understand they won't be included all of the time. Don't let your dc resent you because you are turning something down that will make them happy because of stepchild. Stepchildren should be part of the family wholeheartedly however this shouldn't be to the detriment of the other children.

Drabarni · 29/12/2019 13:27

I find the whole thing weird tbh, and will only get worse if you try to blend the families, too many kids belonging to too many parents.
How will you manage when you both move onto the next partner, having more kids to share.
You are right though as it stands you have 5 kids, and 5 kids to include in all expenses.

helpfulperson · 29/12/2019 13:27

I think the problem is the shared DC. A child will understand why Dad's girlfriends children are going to Disneyland without them but not why their baby sibling is going but they aren't.

saraclara · 29/12/2019 13:32

Your mum is sad, your kids are missing out. You should go.

Apologise to her. Explain that you are trying to do the right thing by everyone, but came to the wrong decision.

readitandwept · 29/12/2019 13:36

I have mentioned the lunch before and how it will stop when we are living together and he won't be trotting off to his mums for a roast every other week.

God forbid him and his son should get some time with his mother/gran twice a month.

misspiggy19 · 29/12/2019 13:39

He isn’t her Grandchild, he is someone she hardly ever sees, who has his own Grandparents. You don’t live with your boyfriend yet, you aren’t married, why would she have to pay for all of you, rather than just treat her daughter and grandchildren ?

^I agree with this. You are letting your kids suffer. I could never do that.

Magda72 · 29/12/2019 13:58

@peekaboo - as I see it the problem is your shared dc. Dss would probably be ok with your dc going with their gm but it would be hard for him if his half sibling is going too. Your dc is just a toddler so why not leave dc at home with dss & dp and you, your dm & your other 3 dc go and have a ball. Your dc is too young to miss out & in truth having a child that small with you will limit what you can do.
This way your dm & your dc get their holiday & dss gets some alone time with his sibling and his dad & the explanation of different grandparents will work.
As your shared dc gets older I can see problems though as this child could end up being pulled in all directions to keep grandparents happy.

Whatnowlol · 29/12/2019 14:00

Do you think if your partners parents had the money to take your dss away they would also pay to take your dc’s too ?
Because from what I can work out from your posts I don’t think it would be considered.

Your children come first, if you lived in a house together it would be different but lucky for you at this stage you don’t do you can get away with it.

Wnjoy your holiday for the sake of your children and get your partner to do something fun with your DSS whisky you are away x

crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 14:06

But magda the GM wants to take her dgc and her daughter away.

I described my blended family above and tbh it extends to all the gp too.
Sometimes they do things together, sometimes one on one, and sometimes travelling gp come to visit when they know one of the teens is unavailable for the duration.

It has never been presented as anything other than the way it is, and yes there is sadness that not everyone can catch up at every visit but no child has been forced to not attend something because another is not invited or not available.

Original poster
peekaboob · 29/12/2019 14:08

@Magda72 toddler DC has never spent any real time with her dad on her own as she's still breastfeeding a lot, mainly for comfort as she's uncomfortable. She's having an operation in a couple of months. For now she is solely my responsibility aside from a couple of hours every now and then.

God I feel like I need to call mum and tell her to book it and I'll deal with the fallout (which when I last mentioned going to DP was not having a relationship to come back to, a statement retracted quite quickly!)

On paper this is all a bit shit and one sided in DPs and DSS favour isn't it.

OP posts:
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