GM wants to treat my DC but can't DSS

[peekaboob]

Background is me, DP, my 3 DC, DSS and a shared DC. We do not live together yet but try hard to get both mine and his families to see us as a family unit. Finances are very limited as we run two homes but we are working on moving in together.
On weekends when we're all together DP will take DSS for Sunday lunch at his parents, there is not enough room for all of us. My DM is usually out on Sundays so I take mine to see her on Saturdays. DP takes DSS to work with him. Maybe twice a year all DC and DSS will see their non-bio GPs.
Prior to meeting DP (6 years) my DF (split from DM) treated me,ex-h and my DC frequently to theme park holidays as I grew up on them with him and DM. I have also taken the kids on my own prior to DP being around and ex-h has also taken kids so you could say the kids have grown up on this type of holiday too.
DP and I could not afford to take all kids together, and he has expressed many times how he would hate that type of holiday anyway.
My DM has just had an ISA nature and would like to take me and my kids, including shared DC who is under 2. She feels she has missed out on seeing my kids enjoy this type of holiday so I understand her reasoning behind wanting to take them as she refers to my DF seeing them enjoy it lots. However she can't afford to include DP or DSS and they can't afford to join us. She's tried many workings out but the extra room is too much for her. I've said to her she could take the 3 on their own but she doesn't want the responsibility if anything happened to them.
So I've had to turn her down. I feel awful for her, and for the kids as we'll never be able to go again.
I have no friends in the same situation.
Would you have done the same?

@ElloBrian He gives me the same as he gives his son's mother. I use it toward nursery fees.

Look he could at least live with you, as in sleep at your house, and the. Work at his home during the day.

I mean I would have expected him to WANT to spend as much. Time as possible with his own child tbh. Instead, he is doing as little as possible whilst expecting to be able to tell you what to do re your dcs holidays....

If you move in with him, I would want to lay down the rules FIRST and and have a very clear agreement on what is going to happen.
It’s about hw, finances, parenting, holidays (incl is it ok for your dcs to ive treated for a hols by your mum but not his dc etc...). And also inlc the thousands of pounds spent on his hobby...

And YY about needing to go see a lawyer, YOUR lawyer, in your own. Not one you will see together and will not have your best interests at heart.

He gives me the same as he gives his son's mother. I use it toward nursery fees.
That’s child maintenance, not living costs.

How much is he planning to ‘contribute’ once you are living together, seeing that this will be ‘his’ house?

@CanIHaveADrink he has an elderly dog that can't be left overnight. When we go away the dog goes to his parents but doesn't get on too well as they have a dog that doesn't take well to dog sleepovers. He can do the occasional night.

Workshop, your divorce terms, elderly dog, number of rooms etc.

Sometimes people just aren't able to live together fairly without both parties making a huge sacrifices. You are making them, he isn't.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible when it comes to the reality of living together.

"he has an elderly dog that can't be left overnight. When we go away the dog goes to his parents but doesn't get on too well as they have a dog that doesn't take well to dog sleepovers. He can do the occasional night."

Jeezo, dogs, workshops...did you not think about all of these issues before you had a child? Seems crazy to me.

I'm with most others on here. You're giving up a lot , he is gaining.
He will not be cooking Sunday lunch.
My main worry is he's 'let' you go on the holiday to keep you in line.

OP, does you moving in with him benefit anyone but him?

You will lose the security of your home.
Your dc lose the security of their home.
You will need to live in a building site until they have their own(?) rooms.
You will have no immediate access to the proceeds of your house sale and it could be actual YEARS before you get access to it if you split up.
You will have to live with a man you have only had occasional nights with.
Your children will have to live with a man they have only had occasional nights with.
You will all have to live with a man that isn't a good parent.
You will all have to live with a man that hasn't cooked for any of you ever.
You will all have to live with a man that storms out when defied.
Your children will have to live with a man who thinks he can decide how your mother can treat them.
You will have to live with a man who thinks he can tell you whether or not you can take your children anywhere without his son.
You will have the responsibility of his son.

What does he get?

Bigger house and a live in babysitter and cook.

I'm baffled how you can have a joint child be in a relationship together but ultimately parent alone. He knows excately what hes doing. This is a recipe for disaster.

Going to attempt to have "the chat" tonight. I go the Living with the dominator book and read that but it doesn't really cover the narcissist as some of the time he can be "the friend" and also "the negotiator".

People who spend thousands of pounds on expensive hobbies can’t afford trips to Disneyland. Or house extensions.

How did it go op?

@crochetandshit it went ok, didn't manage to discuss lots but good discussion.
We talked calmly. I asked him to talk me through his thought process when he blew up. He said he knew we would have an argument about Disney eventually as it's been part of my whole life and not his so naturally I'm going to jump at the first chance I get to go, and that his DS has been asking to go so his first thought was about him and how unfair it would be on him. And he overreacted about it. I asked him whether he views his overreaction as an isolated incident and he said yes. I said I didn't and that when he said DD couldn't go and neither could I that a million different scenarios went through my head and I imagined me saying I was going somewhere and him saying the locks would be changed. He again said he needs to stop overreacting.
I also said DS has plenty of people to take him away and we brainstormed and he is going to take DS away on a road trip connected to the hobby at the same time I'm away.
We spoke about him not looking after DD, he said she just cries if she sees me or senses me. We've agreed that to start with, once a week, I'm going to take a book to the late night coffee shop and spend a couple of hours there so he can sort out DDwhen she wakes(as she does multiple times).
I said to him how lately he is more nasty than nice and he needs to stop seeking revenge or being spiteful for no reason.
We haven't yet managed to talk about other stuff like the extension yet but will in due course.
In the meantime me and mum told the kids where we're going and the pure joy of that occasion confirmed it was the right thing to do

Haven't read the whole thread op but he sounds like my exh. The resentment he felt that I had my dc full time when he barely saw his (csa dependant mostly) just grew and grew. He turned abusive - occasionally violent. He turned financially abusive. Once swore really bad at my dd. Turned into a lair and I threw him out and filed for divorce..
I am glad your update read well, stay safe op.

I don't understand what there was to chat about. Having just read the thread, I don't understand why you talked to him at all, other than to say it's over. You're going to stay with him aren't you? And your children will suffer. He will talk you into sticking with the extension on his house. He will not change. He doesn't even look after his own child with you, and has no interest in parenting her. When will you read what people are saying, and tell him it is O.V.E.R and you never want to speak to him again except for arranging custody of your shared DC?

Good on you Whynosnowyet unfortunately I don't see the OP putting her children first like you have, and kick the scumbag to the curb. The fact she is still even talking to him other than to organise custody is a concern and shows the future.

Enjoy Disney with your mum and children. I’d advise having a long think about whether this relationship has run its course now

OP, are your finances and those of your DP’s vastly different?

Mine are, I am more financially stable than my DP in part down time the fact that my divorce was amicable (his wasnt) and my outgoings are lower.
That essentially means I take my DC on breaks that he cannot afford to do with his DC. I have absolutely zero intention on stopping them. And I also have zero intention of paying for anyone other than myself and my children (as I can just about afford that).

My DP has not once implied or stated that my doing so is ‘unfair’ on his children. If he did, that would not be remotely acceptable. It is not my issue regarding my DP’s finances and what he is able to afford for his children. Nor should it be yours.

It’s great that you’ve spoken and he’s apologised. But really? Have red flags not gone up? Have you asked yourself if this would be his reaction if you already had your money invested in his home and were essentially financially and physically ‘stuck’ with him.

There is absolutely no way his reaction was acceptable. And in your shoes I would delay the house/ extension stuff. Plan another break with your children and see how that plays out.

I’m sorry but I think he’s playing ‘nice’, simply because he knows if he doesn’t, you’ll tell him to take a hike.

I will also add. I am firmly of the opinion that once ‘blended’ or semi blended, it becomes increasingly important for the children to have occasional 121 time with their parent.
My DC get on very well with my partner. But they also love our trips with just me and them as it gives them time to bond with just me and vice versa.

I think a lot of what happens re moving in a pack serves the needs of the adults and not necessarily the children. Your DP could do with understanding that and enabling healthy relationships. The world does not pivot around his child.

I will also add. I am firmly of the opinion that once ‘blended’ or semi blended, it becomes increasingly important for the children to have occasional 121 time with their parent.

I do agree with this. The op and her children need time together on their own, and a holiday is the perfect chance to spend some quality time together. She shouldn’t have to take her partner’s children everywhere with her, especially when it’s something particularly special like this and grandparents have paid for it.

Even in a household where the parents are together it is good for the children to have some days put with one parent or the other 1-1.

I still understand why he overreacted as he did. He was disappointed on his sons behalf. It's good he's apologised. I think this is a bump in the road but unlike a lot of posters I don't see it as necessarily spelling doom and gloom for the future.
Poor little chap will be disappointed and jealous of his step and half siblings. That's natural and its natural for his father's first reaction to be one where he tries to even things up.
Now the issue has come up, in future it can be discussed without the spur of the moment reaction.

But he didn't try to even it up by cutting back on spending, starting a savings account for his son to be able to go, or by suggesting selling any of the very expensive hobby stuff he prioritises.
He tried to even it up by telling a grown woman she wasn't allowed to go and threatened to dump her if she did.

He sounds controlling op and is now showing u his true colours ... DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE FOR THIS MAN u will regret it