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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Mil favours step-daughter

124 replies

Poppy420 · 23/08/2019 09:30

This is my first post on here, i just need some advice as i feel like my head will explode.
To give you the run down, when me and my man met he already had a daughter who was 2 at the time and i had a son was was 3 and a daughter who was almost 2.
We've been together almost 5 years now and have a son together who will be 3 in october.
It's been a rough ride making sure everything is fair and that none of them miss out. My family took his daughter on asif she was mine and has always treated her as such. But she doesn't live with us and the other 3 do.
My partners mum dotes on her. Takes her on holidays and fancy days out leaving out the other 3. At Christmas she brings 1 present each for my 2 but saves loads at her house for my youngest and my step daughter.
It makes my blood boil that she doesnt care about leaving them out, she doesnt care that she's the only person in the kids lives that makes it unfair.
My step daughter will come and brag about the things she's done with mil, upsetting my 2 kids..
She wanted to take my youngest on holiday with step daughter, i said no because of how it would make my other 2 feel...its discusting.
My partner confronted her about it n all she cause say is that she was past caring.
I am angry and upset. I feel powerless. I've even thought of leaving my partner over all this, thinking my children would have a happier upbringing without all this bull.
It's not their fault they aren't his kids.
Thank you in advance for any feedback, I'm goin mad here

OP posts:
user1486915549 · 23/08/2019 09:35

But the others aren’t her grandchildren are they ?

Billiom · 23/08/2019 09:54

Not by blood no, but my partner took my 2 on as his own. We've always tried to make it fair for all of them, christmases and birthdays...we dont go on any days out or do anythin special when step daughter isn't here just so its fair.
She claims she isnt heartless but thats exactly what i think she is. I'd understand if i wasnt with her son. Hence feelin it would get better if i left him

ImNotYourGranny · 23/08/2019 09:55

You don't treat children in the same family differently, regardless of blood. It's cruel. Why would you do that to a child? If nothing else, it's not in the actual grandchild's interest because it creates resentment between them and their siblings. Surely doing the best for your grandkids includes doing what you can to foster good relationships between them and their siblings.

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2019 09:59

You are over reacting, I can’t believe you would leave your husband over this when it doesn’t look like he’s done anything wrong
Your mil buys your children presents by the sound of it, she just buys extra for her grandchildren. Just because your DH sees them all as his children it doesn’t mean his mother has to

HeyMonkey · 23/08/2019 10:11

Hmm, well they aren't her grandchildren. The DSS and your DS are.

I think it's kind of understandable that she treats DSS differently, she's her biological DGC, and has known her from a baby, which she hasn't with your 2. She wont be as close to them. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to take her grandchild on holiday but not her son's 2 step children.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:11

Thank you imnotyourgranny, im glad someone understands, not enough people consider the resentment between the kids or how things like this hurt.
The fact I'm considering my children over my relationship is my business really. I'd question anyone who put their partners feelings over the wellbeing of their kids.
I just want what's best for them, i know the weight of not feeling good enough simply because of who my father was.
Some people are just too self absorbed to consider how damaging they are being

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:12

You're being unreasonable to assume that a step granny can feel as attached and passionate about your children as her own grandchildren. It would be great if she could but it's a huge ask. You just need to accept that and move on with building a happy family.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:14

What about your dc grandparents through their father?

DoolinEnnis · 23/08/2019 10:14

She should treat them all the same regardless of blood or not you aren’t being unreasonable. Does she see child who doesn’t live with you separately or when she comes to stay with you? What does the mum of the daughter say?

There should be another conversation had with you/OH and the grandmother without her taking offence - you are all a family how can she be passed caring? Just rude in my opinion.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:15

If i am being unreasonable how am i supposed to deal with it?
Do i give my 2 extra special treatment to counteract them bein left out? Surely that would make things worse.
It's the fact she hasn't bothered and doesnt care about them hurting. Its me that has to try and explain why they're less important.
It would make sense to be left out if i wasnt with her son.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:15

well, the step daughter isn't op's so by that logic is it ok if she treats her differently than the other kids?

thought not.

dps parents are like this. Favour his child from first relationship and exs child who is not even his, and don't give a shit about poor DS. We don't really see them as a consequence.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:15

I think you're projecting your own feelings onto your dc. They are capable of understanding that this woman isn't their grandmother. It doesn't mean a rejection, it's just fact.

washyourface · 23/08/2019 10:17

Your name change failed.

Anyhoo, I'm in a similar situation. MiL gets DHs kids loads of presents, my son got a (small) box of (out of date) Ferrero Rocher that she obviously found floating around in the cupboard.
Who cares? Not me, not DS. It is what it is. DS isn't her grandchild. DH sees what she does and ultimately it will affect their relationship so I just stand back, am polite and let her dig her own grave so to speak.
I can't believe you'd talk about leaving your partent over this - there must be something else going on ?

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/08/2019 10:18

I think she's been cruel. My MIL treated my children the same as the child I had with her son and I was very grateful. It helped all the children know they were one family, there are no half-siblings here. The ability to open your heart to other's children is the mark of a good person, it can only make things better for everyone.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/08/2019 10:18

Sadly leaving your husband will not rid you of this heartless woman. She is, after all, your youngest child’s grandmother

HeyMonkey · 23/08/2019 10:18

But she does buy your DC presents? Just more for her own DGC?

Do your 3 still see their father and his family?

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:18

I do feel sorry for some elderly people who are expected to treat all children as their own family. It's quite difficult. My cousin had had a few relationships and kids have blown in and out. My aunt and uncle are always kind but they can't fabricate feelings for these step grandchildren.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:18

The father of my 2 has them occasionally but is busy buildin another family and leaves them out.
Step daughters mother isnt bothered, she spoils her as she is her only child.
Seems she gets spoiled from all angles and my 2 are left out all the time. Breaks my heart

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:21

The person at fault here is your ex and his family. They are the ones who have the responsibility to support and nurture your children. You're putting the expectation onto the wrong person. Call your ex to account. You sound very jealous.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:21

I wouldnt say she's elderly, she's 50 and my youngest is her grandson, she leaves him out too, just not as much

BrokenLogs · 23/08/2019 10:22

Not enough people consider the resentment between DC eh 🙄

They're not her dgc. It sounds as though she treats them well but just a bit different.

Perhaps it's you who should have considered all this beforehand??

HeyMonkey · 23/08/2019 10:23

I think you need to focus more on your children's relationship with their own father and his family, rather than expecting your MIL to step into their place and make up for their shortcomings.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:25

I wouldn't say it's jelousy, i just don't want my kids hurting.
Maybe i am projecting my feelings onto the wrong person, it just seems so difficult to make everything right when others cant be bothered.
Im frustrated on all angles in all fairness

museumum · 23/08/2019 10:27

Do your two not see their father at all or their grandparents on his side? In an ideal world the extra attention from them should make it all “fair” as you say.
If your ex and his family are not in the picture at all that’s where the fault lies.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:28

I meant elderly as in an elder in the family not from your generation.
She's not the one bed-hopping from relationship to relationship with kids in tow and expecting a familial relationship to be instantly created. What would happen if she did become really close to them and you and your partner broke up? Likely, she'd never see them again.