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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Mil favours step-daughter

124 replies

Poppy420 · 23/08/2019 09:30

This is my first post on here, i just need some advice as i feel like my head will explode.
To give you the run down, when me and my man met he already had a daughter who was 2 at the time and i had a son was was 3 and a daughter who was almost 2.
We've been together almost 5 years now and have a son together who will be 3 in october.
It's been a rough ride making sure everything is fair and that none of them miss out. My family took his daughter on asif she was mine and has always treated her as such. But she doesn't live with us and the other 3 do.
My partners mum dotes on her. Takes her on holidays and fancy days out leaving out the other 3. At Christmas she brings 1 present each for my 2 but saves loads at her house for my youngest and my step daughter.
It makes my blood boil that she doesnt care about leaving them out, she doesnt care that she's the only person in the kids lives that makes it unfair.
My step daughter will come and brag about the things she's done with mil, upsetting my 2 kids..
She wanted to take my youngest on holiday with step daughter, i said no because of how it would make my other 2 feel...its discusting.
My partner confronted her about it n all she cause say is that she was past caring.
I am angry and upset. I feel powerless. I've even thought of leaving my partner over all this, thinking my children would have a happier upbringing without all this bull.
It's not their fault they aren't his kids.
Thank you in advance for any feedback, I'm goin mad here

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:29

She's not the one bed-hopping from relationship to relationship with kids in tow and expecting a familial relationship to be instantly created

did you mean to be so rude? Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:30

What would happen if she did become really close to them and you and your partner broke up? Likely, she'd never see them again

so by that logic op shouldn't become really close to her step daughter incase her and her OH split up?

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:30

No she doesnt do anythin with my 2, maybe your right n i need to just leave her to it. Makes me angry that she claims to be their nana then excludes them.
Your right brokenlogs i should have thought about all this before i even got with him, i know that. I didnt think it would be this hard.
Im sure things would be very different for us all if we could see into the future

NoCauseRebel · 23/08/2019 10:31

this is one of the pitfalls of a blended family though. You have a mix of children from different backgrounds all with different family, and it is almost impossible to have them all have the same life experiences...

With regards to the treatment of the children in your house, you are absolutely not unreasonable to expect they all be treated equally, even by grandparents.

However, when it comes to their treatment away from your house and with their respective family it is absolutely unreasonable to expect the same treatment.

Your DSD and your DS are your MIL’s grandchildren. It therefore stands to reason that she would take them away with her, and not your children. There is no reason for her needing to do so. Equally it is not up to her to compensate for the life and experiences your own children don’t have.

I know that my ex MIL treats my ex’s DS and his DSD the same when they’re there. They even go to see DSD in productions etc. But if it came down to taking the DC on holiday they would take their biological grandchildren, and i don’t think it even should occur to them to take the non biological ones.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:33

@Bonjourfreddie
Give it a rest with that old chestnut.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:33

I wasnt exactly bed hopping with kids in tow. I find that extremely rude when you dont know me. I was in a relationship with my 2s father until he slept with my sister. Fun times right?
I took his daughter on and have always done right by her and made her feel as part of the family as possible. I asked for advice. I dont need to be belittled

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:34

why ourkidmolly is it ok to treat children differently when you are "elderly" then?

its a new one on me.

Everyone has to be inclusive in a step family - except wait its actually only the step mum who does, everyone else can exclude who they like.

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2019 10:34

My older dc aren’t dp’s. I wouldn’t expect MIL to pay for them to go on holiday with her.

Your MIL does include your older dc as much as possible but it sounds like there are some things she wants to do with her own grandchildren and it would be very expensive including more dc for example taking four DGC on holiday would be expensive and exhausting.

I think you need to let some things go, and also do holidays and stuff for your dc as well as with your DSD. Doesn’t DSD get holidays and gifts and stuff from her mother’s side? Don’t your older dc have gifts and outing with their dad and his side of the family?

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:34

Yes it's not nice if she's claiming to be their nanna and then acting like that. That's confusing for them. I wouldn't let them call her that. Just her first name then. Be polite but lower your expectations of her.

Suebnm · 23/08/2019 10:36

Do your children not have their own set of grandparents from their fathers side? How do they treat your boyfriend children?

Your boyfriends mum maybe assumes that they do have their own grandparents.

Sometimes, and I may be off the mark here for your specific family, it is because you're not married. I don't have experience of any of this.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:38

No one is belittling you, it's just a phrase. But you're now considering leaving your dp over this so you've now got 3 kids in a fractured family? To what end?

flamingjune123 · 23/08/2019 10:39

My parents are early 90's and have been expected by DS to provide for her SS and now the SS's children by two different women since he was 3 and in DS's life ( over 30 years!)
They are not related to the SS or his offspring in any way and they have numerous blood related children, GC and GGC. They find it a struggle both financially and physically but do it to keep the peace. Should they forget anyone of the many DS creates hell. I think a token gift is fine, your children are not related to you partner's parents and will only ever be if you get married and if he adopts them.

flamingjune123 · 23/08/2019 10:40

My first DS is sister btw

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:41

ourkidmolly I don't think telling someone theyre bedhopping is "just a phrase" it was incredibly rude and totally off the mark.

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:43

We're engaged to be married, life hasn't exactly been easy for any of us.
My 2 dont seem to have much contact with family on their dads side apart from their great grandparents who are in their 70s, and even they include my step daughter and youngest son who aren't their grandchildren.

Teddybear45 · 23/08/2019 10:45

If your ex slept with your sister then you need to consider that your family may be involving your stepdaughter out of guilt, and as time goes on (and the guilt fades) that relationship will dissolve. The truth here is that your kids have a dad (and possibly grandparents / aunts / uncles) to spoil them - it’s not your DP’s parents’ responsibility to plug in those gap if they don’t do their part.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:47

@Bonjourfreddie
Why don't you actually engage with the op and try to help her (like I am!) rather than just dissect my posts. Where's your advice?

Billiom · 23/08/2019 10:47

I just feel it's all gone toxic, she says toxic things in front of step daughter, i feel she will make it very difficult to keep the peace within my own house between the kids. The older they're all getting, the harder it seems to be and im exhausted

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 10:48

ourkidmolly don't think you telling her she is bed hopping is particularly helpful at all, to be honest.

My advice is stop seeing them, which is what I have done with DS grandparents. I wont let my child know that they're being excluded.

I don't need to dissect your posts, its very clear with no dissection that youre being very rude.

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2019 10:49

Blending families is hard but it seems as if you are just focussing on your mil.

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:49

Just think carefully before marrying him and decide whether you can grin and bear this situation for years to come. Step families are so difficult and if your own family are split ( no support from sister etc) then you're even more on your own.

Teddybear45 · 23/08/2019 10:49

@billiom - are you sure she says anything to your stepdaughter? Kids aren’t stupid and a lot of them can be vicious too — she might be deliberately being cruel to your kids and hiding behind her gran.

BraveGoldie · 23/08/2019 10:53

Op, while I can see it might be a let down sometimes being treated differently by your MIL, I don't think it will traumatize your children unless you project on to them your very strong feelings about it. Their sense of worth and being loved will come from your treatment of them, your DP, and the quality of relationship they have with their father....I would focus on that.

I think there are emotional and practical difficulties in expecting grandparents to act equally towards everyone - especially with big things, like holidays.

You could look at it that your Step daughter does not get to live with her dad, like your son does. That will be hard for her and she probably feels left out and that that is unfair.... having a doting grandma who treats her as special is probably a good counterbalance to that....

ourkidmolly · 23/08/2019 10:55

@BraveGoldie speaks a lot of sense. Good luck with it all. Remember you're responsible for your behaviour but you can't control how others behave.

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/08/2019 10:56

I would ask your oh to talk his mum and see if a compromise can be reached. If not you need to take a step back from his family. If you can't change the situation, you need to change how your children view the situation. Don't spend much time with them, explain that she isn't grandma (and shouldn't be called that) and don't spend special occasions with them. Focus on the relationships with people who do care, and hopefully in time your children won't feel so left out.

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